To expect Sunday Dinner as the agreement?

[TipJarTroubadours]

Small details changed but the short of it is:

1. We allow people to stay in self contained accommodation for 'free'
2. The only 'cost' is attendance to Sunday dinner
3. Aibu to refuse to let someone stay (or charge them market rent) if they don't attend dinner

The long of it is

DH and I own a residential static caravan site. It has been in DH family a long time. It has great transport links to a major city.

We allow close family/friends to stay rent free whilst they attend uni in the city/start a new job. We have had 15 different people over the years, some for six months, the longest five years.

Currently house DS and nephew who are both at uni and DHs best friends daughter and her partner who has just started an apprenticeship. All four attend Sunday dinner, as have the 15 beforehand.

(For those that are interested, I cook the meal and then they take turns to make/buy a pudding and wash up (most goes in the dishwasher) I have had one with severe allergies who used to bring their own food, and one that was fussy so I used to make them beans on toast every Sunday. )

My sister's son has been living with us since September, I was very clear on the rules- it might seem odd but for a 10k saving a year I expect attendance at one meal a week.- they both knew about this.
Since starting he has attended one, preferring to go to the pub/gym/game on a Sunday. It has been raised with him and we have said if he doesn't attend then we will charge him rent (we have other uni students renting although they are all mature)

I have gone to my parents for half term and have just met my sister and told her the same. My parents and her think I am completely unreasonable to ask him to attend Sunday dinner, I think they are completely unreasonable to expect me to house him for free after agreeing to my rules ( there are costs involved for me, utilities etc plus not being able to rent it out)

I've said he has to attend tomorrow or I will bill them from now until Christmas and if it isn't paid will evict at Christmas.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my nephew to do what he agreed to in return for accommodation? (I don't think I am, even if expecting to attend dinner is unreasonable, he has agreed to the terms, he could have just rented halls)

Anyone can pay rent instead, but for a couple of hours once a week they get free accommodation. It is a choice.

It's not a choice though, is it? Because they clearly can't afford to pay the rent.

What you're doing is so snidely unpleasant it's mind-blowing, to be honest.

Odd, but free accommodation and one free meal per week. How wonderful.

It's not wonderful, it's deeply controlling.

What's the rationale behind the Sunday dinner?
Your property your rules, but it seems like an odd power play. Weirdly controlling and nosey.

YANBU to enforce the rule, given that this is the basis on which you allow others to live on your property.

YABTU with the rule in the first place. It’s awful, controlling, and probably ensures your family think you quite odd/unpleasant.

ETA: If I were your relative/‘friend’ I would absolutely, 100% insist on paying you.

OP where is this caravan? I'm sure there would be loads of students who would jump at free accommodation for attending one Sunday dinner each week. My foster son would not only attend the dinner but offer to cook it as well for free accommodation. Your request might be a bit cooky but it's not unreasonable and it he doesn't comply then either charge him rent or evict. He would struggle to find alternative student accomodation mid year though.

Can i move in rent free and i love a sunday roast.

I haven't watched Gilmore Girls - could the OP be hypothetically wondering how this would work in real life?
That would be preferable to this being a real situation, imo.

I am shocked that you can't see how weird and controlling this is. There's a power dynamic here that you're exploiting, and you seemingly don't care that you have these people over a barrel or that your "generosity" has whacking great strings attached.

Sooooo weird! You’d rather he sits at your table under duress, forcing himself to swallow food that he clearly doesn’t want, all for… what? This pseudo-family lunch idea is just so dysfunctional - just because nobody has refused before, doesn’t mean it’s not batshit! Enforcing your demands in this controlling way taints the whole idea that you are doing a nice thing for these people, with your strange Lady Bountiful complex . You aren’t!

Exactly what I thought - OP, you seem very oddly controlling and transactional in your thinking. But equally, I guess if you have made the “conditions” clear from the start (which seems highly manipulative tbh) and they have agreed and are aware of the deal then they can’t really complain about your (weird) rules.

It's a weird rule, but I like it.

They get something for nothing because of a connection to you. If they can't be bothered to maintain a regular connection......

You'd really allow your son to live somewhere he is forced to attend an event with an oddly controlling adult?

I'd be advising my kids to stay the fuck away from the crazy person.

I think I get it OP, is the reasoning as follows:

• you don’t just let randoms stay for free but people who are in your family/friendship circle with whom there is a connection.
• that connection is maintained and grown by the communal meals on a Sunday night
• not being willing to attend this meal shows shows to you the person staying is all take and no give.

am I right?

It is a power trip. Plain and simple.

You like it?

That says... a lot.

I can’t imagine wanting someone to have dinner with me who doesn’t want to! But it’s your property so you can impose what rules you like.

It is generous of you but a little unusual to expect every Sunday. I would have thought a student would jump at the chance of a free dinner.

Only one person of the 20 has caused any issue, so I don't think I'm either.

DH's family did the same before we moved back to run it, they only did it for very close family, we have included friends, but we saved our house deposit by attending Sunday dinner and having free rent- his parents are still alive and also attend now. Some of those that have moved on saved what it would have cost to rent and were able to put down decent deposits - plus all of them now choose to come back for dinner a few times a year, and they don't get free accommodation anymore!

As for being vulnerable, financially my nephew is a lot less vulnerable by not having to pay rent. University rent is astronomical plus they have to pay during lots of the holidays.

What does it say?

Try once a month instead. That's a bit more reasonable.

I actually feel sorry for you that you can only get people to eat Sunday dinner with you like that
I would much prefer that people did it because they like my company and/or cooking

They're students or similar. Why can they "clearly" not afford rent? Everyone else in their situation does.

I can see my Dad making this a condition for young relatives living with him. A kind of traditional family values payback for free accomodation.

I'd like to know why it's important to OP.

Couldn't they "pay" differently, like doing some jobs around the site or something?
At least they could fit that around their lives.
I'd hate to cook for and eat with people who are probably really resenting me.

But OP- why do you want to have this rule?!

are you lonely? Do you think if you don’t force people to spend time with you no one would choose to?

I can see why a PP suggested it’s like the landlords who ask for sex in exchange for accommodation- you are asking for fake friendship instead. So odd.

Perhaps if you explain your purpose for the rule it would make more sense as to if you need it to be enforced or not. What on earth made you think of it in the first place?