To expect Sunday Dinner as the agreement?

[TipJarTroubadours]

Small details changed but the short of it is:

1. We allow people to stay in self contained accommodation for 'free'
2. The only 'cost' is attendance to Sunday dinner
3. Aibu to refuse to let someone stay (or charge them market rent) if they don't attend dinner

The long of it is

DH and I own a residential static caravan site. It has been in DH family a long time. It has great transport links to a major city.

We allow close family/friends to stay rent free whilst they attend uni in the city/start a new job. We have had 15 different people over the years, some for six months, the longest five years.

Currently house DS and nephew who are both at uni and DHs best friends daughter and her partner who has just started an apprenticeship. All four attend Sunday dinner, as have the 15 beforehand.

(For those that are interested, I cook the meal and then they take turns to make/buy a pudding and wash up (most goes in the dishwasher) I have had one with severe allergies who used to bring their own food, and one that was fussy so I used to make them beans on toast every Sunday. )

My sister's son has been living with us since September, I was very clear on the rules- it might seem odd but for a 10k saving a year I expect attendance at one meal a week.- they both knew about this.
Since starting he has attended one, preferring to go to the pub/gym/game on a Sunday. It has been raised with him and we have said if he doesn't attend then we will charge him rent (we have other uni students renting although they are all mature)

I have gone to my parents for half term and have just met my sister and told her the same. My parents and her think I am completely unreasonable to ask him to attend Sunday dinner, I think they are completely unreasonable to expect me to house him for free after agreeing to my rules ( there are costs involved for me, utilities etc plus not being able to rent it out)

I've said he has to attend tomorrow or I will bill them from now until Christmas and if it isn't paid will evict at Christmas.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my nephew to do what he agreed to in return for accommodation? (I don't think I am, even if expecting to attend dinner is unreasonable, he has agreed to the terms, he could have just rented halls)

Offering free accommodation in return for eating a meal with you is elite serial killer level creepy weird.

This

This is a weird requirement. A bit creapy to be completely honest. Sounds like you shouldn't give people free accommodation if you are really going to begrudge it and force them to do something they don't want to do.

You sound incredibly controlling and actually quite unpleasant.

I presume that she would only offer rent free accommodation to close family and friends and so would expect there to be some reciprocation in the form of getting together once a week for a meal that OP cooks.

Otherwise, she can rent to complete strangers at a market rent. It may seem odd and over the top, but her nephew agreed to this arrangement and he is not keeping his side of the bargain.

If he doesn't like it, he can either pay OP rent or move out.

It makes me think of those landlords who offer free accommodation to vulnerable poor people in return for sex.

I wouldn’t make this an absolute stipulation myself, but I can see OP seeing it that - if a person doesn’t care enough about you to spend time with you doing something that is obviously very important to you, why should you do them a massive favour that costs you £10k?

I think if my aunt offered this, I’d be so grateful that I’d be happy to spend time with my generous family member. I’m sure OP would be flexible about missing the odd one but the nephew has only bothered to show his face once. I’d see that as a bit of a kick in the teeth tbh

It’s exploitative OP. That’s why it’s weird & controlling. These are young people without much cash (which you know) and you’re taking advantage of their vulnerable position to force them to spend time with you.

Bit of an odd rule, but YANBU. You made the rule clear when offering the free accommodation and he must have agreed to this before moving in. And I know I said it was an odd rule, but frankly, if someone was offering me free accommodation on the condition that I showed up at theirs for a Sunday roast each week, I'd not say no to that. I assume you wouldn't have a problem if they had booked holidays away (ergo can't attend Sunday lunch) or have a booked event?

I think I get it Op. You have property that you can rent out but you are happy to lend for free to “close friends and family”. The problem is the definition of close friends and family as it would be easy for you to find a ton of randomers shacked up for free if you aren’t careful. “They want to come for dinner on a Sunday” is a good definition.

Incidentally when my dad was a student (in the 60s!) he lived in lodgings and Sunday lunch with the widow he lived with was part of the deal. He rarely missed it as he was a student and he didn’t have the sort of cash that meant you could turn down a decent meal. Apparently her sherry trifle meant that he often had a nap on Sunday afternoons!

You made the rules clear so I guess you are not being unreasonable. I can’t imagine the discomfort or lack of fun in having dinner with someone who i had forced to be there though. Where is the joy in that for you? If you are looking for connection with people would it not be better for you to have it with willing participants?

WHY is it the rule though? And what does your husband think, since it's his. not yours, anyway?

If I were to have someone live on my property, I would want a frequent check in. If it were rent
free, I'd be expecting them to cook the lunch!

People may say this is controlling, I would question how many of them have ever had someone live in an annex/ outbuilding on their property. I may alter cadence to fortnightly, but that's a preference.

I think in your shoes, I’d be asking myself why I want to force someone to spend every Sunday with me when they don’t want to (whether it’s agreed or in return for lodgings or whatever). It’s a bit sad that you’re happy to stay home every week, to cook and have round people under duress who are only doing it to avoid eviction. Don’t you have family or real friends that you could spend time with? Life is precious and this is such a waste for everyone.

This is a bizarre rule but it is what it is I suppose. Fair enough to charge rent otherwise if they agreed to this.

Have you explained why this is so important to you? If you haven’t then they are probably just assuming it’s a batshit rule you weren’t serious about.

Why would you want to share a meal with someone who doesn’t want to be there?

To be clear, of course things come up. People go away and have shows/concerts etc, but the general expectation is to attend on a Sunday dinner (which is evening not lunch)

Anyone can pay rent instead, but for a couple of hours once a week they get free accommodation. It is a choice.

There are a lot of us at the meal, one person will not affect the atmosphere.

For those that ask why post, I wanted to know if I was unreasonable to enforce a rule that was agreed.

Oh FGS just kick him out so. Get a homeless person instead rent free who would love to join you for Sunday dinner. Now THAT would be a very kind thing to do.

I've said YANBU because you made the deal clear from the outset. But how is this different to a dirty old man letting a young student stay in his flat in the city for free as long as she has a weekly date with him? It's horribly coercive.

Good question.
OPs husband inherent a large amount of property. OPs nephew etc are growing up in a shit property situation and bad job market.
OP is risking her relationship with her sister and nephew by doing something nice but making it pointlessly conditional on quite a controlling rule.

If I was your “tenants” I’d come round for dinner, eat and leave quickly. Or is there a set time they have to stay too.

💯 how odd !

@TipJarTroubadours do you intend to tell us why you insist they come to your Sunday dinner on pain of eviction?

This is weird you can’t dictate what someone does in their free time. Just have it as an open invitation and leave it up to them to decide if they do or don’t want to. They might want to spend their Sunday lounging in their PJ’s it’s their choice what they do and don’t want to do.

Have you explained why this is so important to you? If you haven’t then they are probably just assuming it’s a batshit rule you weren’t serious about.

This.
He may have thought you were doing it to be kind rather than because...
Well, whatever reason you have for doing it.
I'd go along with it in his shoes for free accommodation but I'd think it was weird and wouldn't be comfortable.
And, for me, dinner would be worse than lunch as I like having Sunday evening free before starting the week again.
My weekend would end late afternoon otherwise as my "duty visit" would be coming up.