To expect Sunday Dinner as the agreement?

[TipJarTroubadours]

Small details changed but the short of it is:

1. We allow people to stay in self contained accommodation for 'free'
2. The only 'cost' is attendance to Sunday dinner
3. Aibu to refuse to let someone stay (or charge them market rent) if they don't attend dinner

The long of it is

DH and I own a residential static caravan site. It has been in DH family a long time. It has great transport links to a major city.

We allow close family/friends to stay rent free whilst they attend uni in the city/start a new job. We have had 15 different people over the years, some for six months, the longest five years.

Currently house DS and nephew who are both at uni and DHs best friends daughter and her partner who has just started an apprenticeship. All four attend Sunday dinner, as have the 15 beforehand.

(For those that are interested, I cook the meal and then they take turns to make/buy a pudding and wash up (most goes in the dishwasher) I have had one with severe allergies who used to bring their own food, and one that was fussy so I used to make them beans on toast every Sunday. )

My sister's son has been living with us since September, I was very clear on the rules- it might seem odd but for a 10k saving a year I expect attendance at one meal a week.- they both knew about this.
Since starting he has attended one, preferring to go to the pub/gym/game on a Sunday. It has been raised with him and we have said if he doesn't attend then we will charge him rent (we have other uni students renting although they are all mature)

I have gone to my parents for half term and have just met my sister and told her the same. My parents and her think I am completely unreasonable to ask him to attend Sunday dinner, I think they are completely unreasonable to expect me to house him for free after agreeing to my rules ( there are costs involved for me, utilities etc plus not being able to rent it out)

I've said he has to attend tomorrow or I will bill them from now until Christmas and if it isn't paid will evict at Christmas.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my nephew to do what he agreed to in return for accommodation? (I don't think I am, even if expecting to attend dinner is unreasonable, he has agreed to the terms, he could have just rented halls)

Ew, this smacks of taking advantage of poor people.

You still aren't saying why you have this rule! What's the point? And us there a reason you are ignoring people's questions asking you why you have this rule?

@TipJarTroubadours You are free to make whatever rules you like and if accommodation is contingent on following those rules then it is reasonable to insist.

But you know we are wildly curious as to why you've set that rule and would really like to know!

As it's not always family, is it a religious thing?

Must admit, I'd be happy to have a 'free' Sunday lunch and I do see that you are somewhat flexible about what they can eat

But what's the 'advantage'?

Making them dance to her tune.

It says (to me) that your morals are pretty twisted if you think that this kind of behaviour is a nice way to treat people.

I’d sell it to everyone else going forward as “I charge the market rent, but if you come to dinner, you won’t have to pay that week” rather than the current way you’re framing it.
And what a lovely thing you’re doing! I wish I had a way of helping my younger family members out like this- everyone is struggling so much with the cost of living.

Why does it have to be Sunday dinner @Op ?

I get wanting to spend time with people living on your property for free, I suppose, but the fact that it has to be Sunday, it has to be for a specific meal, and it has to be weekly, that makes it weird, controlling, and a wee bit creepy.

YANBU to expect people to play by the rules agreed too. However, your rule is OTT. Yes, expect spotless caravans, maybe a bottle of wine every week to say thanks. Maybe even take away bought to you by your guests as a thanks. But making them turn up to your house and take part in a ritualised Sunday dinner is mad. They may feel uncomfortable with this. Have you ever thought of that. Why not just suggest they buy you a thank you gift?
This sounds very Emily Gilmore or even Miss Havisham

If you made it clear before he moved in that he had two options for staying (1) rent-free, but must attend Sunday lunch each week (unless ill or away) and (2) x amount of rent - then YANBU to warn him once that he's moving from Cat 1 to Cat 2 as he hasn't fulfilled his obligations under 1 and let him know what he needs to do if he wants to stay in Cat 1.

I don't find the rule that weird in a family or quasi-family context; I remember as a teen my mother expected us home for dinner every weeknight unless we'd let her know in advance we wouldn't be there. Some of my friends thought it was unusual, cumbersome, and interfered with doing what we wanted - but it was just her way of making sure we all had a chance to "connect" on a regular basis.

If I were in a situation where I needed a cheap/free place to stay now, I think I'd be OK with this arrangement. Much more relevantly, I wouldn't agree to it up front if I weren't willing and able to give my best efforts to comply.

Getting to control them and making them do what she wants every week.

But why would you want them to come because they’re forced?? So odd. YABU.

This is giving me scary movie vibes.

I think it’s incredibly generous of you to let your extended family live in the caravan rent free. I think it’s fucking weird that you insist they come for Sunday lunch.

Just why? It’s extra work for you, uncomfortable silences round the table, even more expense, just what do you get out of forcing unwilling young people to eat Sunday dinner with you?

"we saved our house deposit by attending Sunday dinner"

No you didn't. You saved a house deposit by benefiting from generational wealth and being allowed to live for free.

Your husband inherited loads of property.

You have the opportunity to help family members by sharing your huge amount of inherent property for cheaper than the market rent. Whether or not you want to do that is up to you.

But none of it is anything to do with mandatory Sunday lunch which a fucking weird tradition you can end if you want.

Exactly this.

What an unpleasant power trip complex. And make no mistake, that's exactly what it is. My parents used to do this, like lording about like the "great providers". Then they would add conditions and expectation, or they'd pull whatever they'd offered from underneath you. They walked round with this superiority that everyone was beholden to them. It was like being a permanent hostage to their terms. Do you tell everyone how super generous you are and how you host these wonderful dinners every week...which you can't humble brag about if no one attends...

Right, well, so far, you have completely failed to explain to any of us WHY exactly this is "your rule". What's your rationale?

You asked if "the rule" is unreasonable, well, yes, imo it is incredibly creepy and controlling a rule to impose on other adults you may or may not be related to and I don't think any of us are any the wiser as to why you are insisting on it as this major red line that you are in charge of. Do you have some belief about the sanctity of Sunday meals that is part of your reasoning on this?

For example, some families insist that all children in the household must show up at family meals, everyone eats at the table and not with dinners on laps in front of the telly etc etc, and that's a "house rule" for the children, to ensure family time etc. But generally, I've only ever seen it imposed as part of a rule for children, not adults. So what's the reasoning in your case?

I understand that was the agreement prior to moving in, but I wouldn't like the idea that the guests have to attend under obligation over the fact they want to. Do you really want people sat there under duress?
Having said that, free accommodation means you are saving them a lot of money and I guess they have a choice to attend or move out - and you have the choice of telling them to attend the weekly dinner or it is to be rented out instead (either to them or someone else).
It actually reminds me when I stayed somewhere briefly and had to go to mandatory house meetings. You've got to do what you've got to do at the time to get by.

That's no better!

It's a horrible thing she's doing. Lording her wealth over her family/friends and controlling their free time every single week as a form of "gratitude". Gross.

Yeah, maybe the OP is gearing up to poison them!

Extremely weird set up if you ask me, and very controlling.
But fair enough to charge enough rent to cover utilities if he doesn’t want to attend Sunday lunches. Or maybe some kind of compromise- one lunch a month for reduced rent?

Your last two sentences ARE the issue. Odd you can’t see that.

Seriously? Even though both are coerced, dinner does NOT equate to sex!

SMH at those few posters who've made that comparison.

I have no idea about the Gilmore Girls, I know it is a programme but I haven't watched it.

Name is due to Radio 2 Thursday night country night.

Somewhere to live and a home cooked dinner once a week? Where do I sign up?