To expect Sunday Dinner as the agreement?

[TipJarTroubadours]

Small details changed but the short of it is:

1. We allow people to stay in self contained accommodation for 'free'
2. The only 'cost' is attendance to Sunday dinner
3. Aibu to refuse to let someone stay (or charge them market rent) if they don't attend dinner

The long of it is

DH and I own a residential static caravan site. It has been in DH family a long time. It has great transport links to a major city.

We allow close family/friends to stay rent free whilst they attend uni in the city/start a new job. We have had 15 different people over the years, some for six months, the longest five years.

Currently house DS and nephew who are both at uni and DHs best friends daughter and her partner who has just started an apprenticeship. All four attend Sunday dinner, as have the 15 beforehand.

(For those that are interested, I cook the meal and then they take turns to make/buy a pudding and wash up (most goes in the dishwasher) I have had one with severe allergies who used to bring their own food, and one that was fussy so I used to make them beans on toast every Sunday. )

My sister's son has been living with us since September, I was very clear on the rules- it might seem odd but for a 10k saving a year I expect attendance at one meal a week.- they both knew about this.
Since starting he has attended one, preferring to go to the pub/gym/game on a Sunday. It has been raised with him and we have said if he doesn't attend then we will charge him rent (we have other uni students renting although they are all mature)

I have gone to my parents for half term and have just met my sister and told her the same. My parents and her think I am completely unreasonable to ask him to attend Sunday dinner, I think they are completely unreasonable to expect me to house him for free after agreeing to my rules ( there are costs involved for me, utilities etc plus not being able to rent it out)

I've said he has to attend tomorrow or I will bill them from now until Christmas and if it isn't paid will evict at Christmas.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my nephew to do what he agreed to in return for accommodation? (I don't think I am, even if expecting to attend dinner is unreasonable, he has agreed to the terms, he could have just rented halls)

If I was being forced by an adult member of my family-ish to go over for Sunday dinner every Sunday I would feel extremely awkward and rather you charge me tbh 🤣

honestly, they probably see the ‘deal’ as a lighthearted joke, and attended out of courtesy.. then realised your serious and now feel like they’re trapped in this weird deal with you so avoid you like the plague.

YANBU with regards to expecting them to abide by the terms of the agreement, no. If they don’t like it, he can live elsewhere.

I genuinely don’t understand why you would want someone to attend a meal under duress, though. Would you mind explaining?

If it is anything like the Sunday dinner my dad used to force us all to attend, then I fully agree it would be a disincentive . We used to call it slop on a plate.

Can you cook OP?

I think it's a very odd deal, why is the lunch (with someone who doesn't want to be there) so important to you? It almost seems like what someone hoping to bring young people into some sort of cult would do, but if those were your terms I'd ask him to leave, rather than pay rent.

So you expect a couple of hours of company a week, plus a bit of washing up and a pudding, in return for a rent free caravan? I think that's a good deal, but if they don't like it they can pay full rent like any other customer. They can't have it both ways.

Why would you want people to come to Sunday dinner who don’t want to be there? Let’s just all sit round the table together and be fake? That’s a weird rule.

WTF? This is bizarre.
I’d rather pay £50 a week than be forced to attend a Sunday dinner.
Is your cooking shit OP? Is that why you threaten people to get them to attend?

Absolute batshit rule. But it's your rule I suppose.

It's fucking bizarre. Trying to understand why you would force someone to attend Sunday dinner every single week though.

Is the ‘Sunday dinner’ on Friday?

Plus… I think we need a picture of your Sunday lunch to be absolutely sure whether YABU or not..

Honestly I don't know if the quality of cooking is relevant.

I'd rather have a plate of mush with family or friends I chose to see, than a delicious weekly meal with someone who was going to evict me if I made other plans 😂 can you imagine the atmosphere? If someone leaves before coffee and mints do you increase their council tax?

Why disturbing or controlling for that matter?

Everything comes with rules, most self contained places come with rules to pay rent and utilities, no one would say I was controlling or disturbing if I charged for it.

I am happy to rent it out around market rate if he doesn't want to attend but if he wants to live here for free that is the rule

(It does sound weirder in writing than it is in real life. Have been doing this for years and have never had a problem.)

It seems like a really odd rule. We used to go to my parents' house for lunch every Sunday. I appreciated their hospitality but found the weekly expectation too much. It took up most of every Sunday, meaning I only had one weekend day to do other things/see other people.

Plus, if I was making a big Sunday lunch I'd rather share it with people who want to be there rather than being there because they don't want to be evicted.

On one hand - he agreed to the 'rule' so YANBU.
On the other hand, I think YABU to have the rule in the first place.

It’s a weird set up but I guess if it was agreed and he’s reneging, fair enough to feel salty.
Why is it so important to you?

If someone offered my rent free accommodation on the basis that I have Sunday lunch I would snap their hands off. If they down want to do Sunday lunch that is not unreasonable, they can decide to not move in/ find somewhere else to live. Nobody is forcing them to live there. Edited for clarity.

Not really a nice thing to use your wealth to control others. Yes they have a choice, but how can they really turn that down?

This is weird. So weird. Just don't gift the accommodation at all if you're going to enforce people to spend time with you. It sounds like the start of some horror film tbh. I can picture uncomfortable young people forced to eat with a creepy old couple.

As a young adult, I lived somewhere a bit like this. My cousin and I weren’t charged rent but we were required to give half of what we would have paid on rent to a charity of our choice instead. We had to give them proof we’d done it each month. My cousin didn’t so after about 6 months they told her to leave. Thems the rules! So no, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.

May i ask why you wish them to attend a Sunday dinner with you?

Odd, but dem's the rules!
If I was staying there, I'd happy rock up for Sunday dinner 😋🍽️

Every single Sunday is a bit much. It’s like forcing visits to parents. What if they want to go away for the weekend, see other friends, have a busy week and just want to chill for the day? It’s lovely that you are doing this rent free but demanding company is weird. I really hope you are a fabulous cook and the portions are massive with a dessert and lots of wine thrown in. I think ultimately it would be better if you just charged mates rates so there is a monetary benefit for both of you.

So people who stay in your accommodation have to agree in advance to never plan anything or attend an event on a Sunday?

What if they get jobs on a Sunday? What if a friends christening or wedding? Do they have to decline to go as 6 weeks ago when they chose to stay in your accommodation, they agreed to attend Sunday lunch?!

This is nuts and so controlling!

Your nephew probably didn't realise that he would be beholden to this dinner the entire time he lived with you. I'd be telling him to move out now rarher than be blackmailed into having lunch with you.

@TipJarTroubadoursi don’t think it matters what your specific rules are- you could have said white socks on a Monday every week? They are your rules, you explained them and he isn’t doing it. Doesn’t bode well if they can’t stick to one rule does it? Our lives are full of structure and rules.

This is so weird!
You know after the first 2 times, they’re all sitting there thinking “again with this fucking Sunday dinner”. It’s so controlling!! Why are you obsessed with Sunday dinners? Rent it out and let people make their own choices for things to do on a weekend. Especially as weekend time is precious!

This is absolutely not the same as being forced to work your social life around someone insisting you go round there’s for Sunday dinner every single Sunday.