To expect Sunday Dinner as the agreement?

[TipJarTroubadours]

Small details changed but the short of it is:

1. We allow people to stay in self contained accommodation for 'free'
2. The only 'cost' is attendance to Sunday dinner
3. Aibu to refuse to let someone stay (or charge them market rent) if they don't attend dinner

The long of it is

DH and I own a residential static caravan site. It has been in DH family a long time. It has great transport links to a major city.

We allow close family/friends to stay rent free whilst they attend uni in the city/start a new job. We have had 15 different people over the years, some for six months, the longest five years.

Currently house DS and nephew who are both at uni and DHs best friends daughter and her partner who has just started an apprenticeship. All four attend Sunday dinner, as have the 15 beforehand.

(For those that are interested, I cook the meal and then they take turns to make/buy a pudding and wash up (most goes in the dishwasher) I have had one with severe allergies who used to bring their own food, and one that was fussy so I used to make them beans on toast every Sunday. )

My sister's son has been living with us since September, I was very clear on the rules- it might seem odd but for a 10k saving a year I expect attendance at one meal a week.- they both knew about this.
Since starting he has attended one, preferring to go to the pub/gym/game on a Sunday. It has been raised with him and we have said if he doesn't attend then we will charge him rent (we have other uni students renting although they are all mature)

I have gone to my parents for half term and have just met my sister and told her the same. My parents and her think I am completely unreasonable to ask him to attend Sunday dinner, I think they are completely unreasonable to expect me to house him for free after agreeing to my rules ( there are costs involved for me, utilities etc plus not being able to rent it out)

I've said he has to attend tomorrow or I will bill them from now until Christmas and if it isn't paid will evict at Christmas.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my nephew to do what he agreed to in return for accommodation? (I don't think I am, even if expecting to attend dinner is unreasonable, he has agreed to the terms, he could have just rented halls)

I am actually not joking about it sounding like the start of a horror movie. It's disturbing, for real.

@No5ChalksRoad While I agree that family connections and eating together is a positive thing, there should be compromise.

This young adult has started a new Uni, he is making, hopefully, life long friendships. The OP mentions a game, but hasn't clarified if he's playing football etc, if he's involved in the Uni/local football team, he can't miss games and they often play on a Sunday afternoon. Likewise a game often ends in the pub, it is important to keep friendship groups going. The other thing is the gym. All these are great for physical and mental health. Being forced to a Sunday dinner, not so much. The OP is exceptionally, weirdly controlling.

Jesus wept! It is not that deep!

The OP has a condition attached to her very generous offer. The nephew or anyone else is free to say no thanks. The OP doesn't owe him a single thing, but she has a tradition she expects everyone to participate in - which is a sunday evening dinner.

So many puerile and weird comments on here.

OP, yanbu, bill him or send him packing.

This was my very first thought. Although Emily would never with a static caravan park.

As a minimum it’s likely to be in ‘breach’ of health and safety regulations in multiple ways. It does come across like exploited vulnerable people are being subjected to inhumane over crowding, coercive control etc.

It's not the same though.

If you are living in someone's actual house, it makes sense to say "let's eat together" and I absolutely bet if you had said "oh, but tuesday night is my gym night", your cousin wouldn't have thrown you out.

But the nephew is in a caravan, entirely separate to the OP's house. There is not reason to make this demand other than as a power play.

Assuming he moved in mid-september then OP has been flexible enough to accept him not coming for 5/6 weeks. It's not like it was attend all dinners or be evicted, it's more that she's come to realise that he isn't willing to really integrate himself into the community.

If OP had posted after the first absence I'd have a very different view of her.

Of course i read the thread. The fact that the wealthier ones in this family think it's ok to be generous only on condition of getting something back strikes me as crass and nasty. It is so easy to get what you want from other people when you are the one controlling the purse strings but the ethical thing imo is to not do that. Make your generous gesture with no strings attached.

All joking aside, I have to admit I’m quite surprised that a student wouldn’t jump at the chance of a free meal. It does make me wonder what these gatherings are like.

They have a caravan each, how is that overcrowding?

(Although the rest is bloody weird I agree).

All you need to know is that the caravan park has an enormous wicker man at one end…

Maybe he's trying to integrate into student life with his peers and make friends locally. Friends that aren't his crazy aunt.

I wonder what she forces her family to do in exchange for birthday gifts etc. Does she only gift at Christmas if they attend her Christmas dinner? At what point do these 'reasonable' requests become unreasonable?

Well yeah, but I sometimes feel like that when I’ve agreed to go round my mums on a weekend after working all week. But I go because she’s my mum, and she’s not even offering to pay for me to live rent free.

He made an agreement when he moved in. If my aunt made that offer to me right now I’d say no thanks I’d rather pay rent as I can afford it and my Sundays are worth more than free accommodation now. Ask me 15 years ago, and I would have done it happily. And I don’t even like my aunt.

But he’s getting free accommodation and a free meal once a week. It’s like saying it’s unfair for him to have to go to work as he might not feel like it and he shouldn’t have to be obligated to go. They should just pay him anyway. He’s paying for his accommodation with his time. If he’s not up for that, he can pay rent

If anyone is actually living with this kind of arrangement please contact

https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

safelives.org.uk/about-domestic-abuse/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

I think the oddest thing the OP has said is this:
Meals are different, have options but you don't have to eat. But you do have to regularly turn up.
So she'd be satisfied if the nephew turned up and just sat, watching everybody else eating? Presumably he'd still have to bring a pudding and help with the clearing up.
I voted YANBU because I think if the nephew agreed to this he should honour it and - if it's "his job" as the OP also suggested - it's good money for the hours.
But don't let's pretend it's fostering warm family bonds as it patently ,isn't.
It's weird and the OP hasn't explained despite another PP making up stories about "family traditions" on her behalf.

Can’t stand financially controlling people. Using their money to control people. Everyone will toe the line but secretly they’ll be waiting for you to pop your clogs so they can inherit and they won’t miss you in the slightest! Better to be nice to people during your lifetime rather than use your money to bend people to your will.

This thread is batshit 😂

People keep comparing it to shit it isn’t!

yeah but what if it was a bank? What if it was his job…etc

Yes, then in those situations you exchange your time and labour for goods and services. This isn’t that you weirdos. Your poor family members don’t work for you.

Again, OP, you are a creep and an awful person.

And anybody who is trying to defend you is clearly a sock puppet account, or another creep and awful person.

There is no world in which coercing anyone to tolerate your company or be made homeless is a kind move, a normal move, an understandable move or a justifiable move.

You have a caravan, you can choose to give it for free or you don't give it, or rent it out. Those are the non-weird options..

The only normal, fair string attached is that they keep it in good condition and are a reasonable tenant.

You're weird. This is coercion and I feel so very sorry for any young person who is so desperate in these times of economic stress that they have to put up with you.

Maybe I was boring as a student but I didn't go out 7 days a week, and tbh Wednesday nights were as good as any other (Sundays tended to be quiet anyway!)

If he wasn't able to keep up the Sundays then he could have had a conversation with OP and asked if he could pop round another time. But 18 year olds can be awkward and I'm guessing he was just hoping that she'd forgive him and they'd never have to have the conversation

Agreed. This is fucking bizarre.

😆

Coercive control isn't very fucking funny

you find abuse and coercive control amusing?

Are you the OP?

Sounds like a scenario from Gilmore Girls.

[for the uninitiated, Lorelais' parents would only pay for their grand daughters' posh school tuition fees if both Lorelai and Rory agreed to attending a meal ... every Friday.]

Are you a rabid fan??? 👀

It was the OP who originally compared it to a job:

I guess you could say attending dinner was their job