To expect Sunday Dinner as the agreement?

[TipJarTroubadours]

Small details changed but the short of it is:

1. We allow people to stay in self contained accommodation for 'free'
2. The only 'cost' is attendance to Sunday dinner
3. Aibu to refuse to let someone stay (or charge them market rent) if they don't attend dinner

The long of it is

DH and I own a residential static caravan site. It has been in DH family a long time. It has great transport links to a major city.

We allow close family/friends to stay rent free whilst they attend uni in the city/start a new job. We have had 15 different people over the years, some for six months, the longest five years.

Currently house DS and nephew who are both at uni and DHs best friends daughter and her partner who has just started an apprenticeship. All four attend Sunday dinner, as have the 15 beforehand.

(For those that are interested, I cook the meal and then they take turns to make/buy a pudding and wash up (most goes in the dishwasher) I have had one with severe allergies who used to bring their own food, and one that was fussy so I used to make them beans on toast every Sunday. )

My sister's son has been living with us since September, I was very clear on the rules- it might seem odd but for a 10k saving a year I expect attendance at one meal a week.- they both knew about this.
Since starting he has attended one, preferring to go to the pub/gym/game on a Sunday. It has been raised with him and we have said if he doesn't attend then we will charge him rent (we have other uni students renting although they are all mature)

I have gone to my parents for half term and have just met my sister and told her the same. My parents and her think I am completely unreasonable to ask him to attend Sunday dinner, I think they are completely unreasonable to expect me to house him for free after agreeing to my rules ( there are costs involved for me, utilities etc plus not being able to rent it out)

I've said he has to attend tomorrow or I will bill them from now until Christmas and if it isn't paid will evict at Christmas.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my nephew to do what he agreed to in return for accommodation? (I don't think I am, even if expecting to attend dinner is unreasonable, he has agreed to the terms, he could have just rented halls)

It’s a rather unusual rule but if that’s your rule that’s your rule. You’ve made that clear. It’s a better deal than having to pay or having to work on site or something.

Would you accept them attending a meal on another night if, for example, they got a job that required them to work over that meal?

The fact that the OP’s name has ‘troubadour’ in it too…

It might be the ‘rule’ but it’s a weird one. I’d hate to be hosting a lunch where people didn’t want to be there, it would feel so awkward.

I don’t think YABU to enforce it, but I’d really like an explanation of the rule. Why are you doing it?

She's either VERY bad company or a VERY bad cook ...

She’s not dictating… he has a choice. Attend dinner or pay rent.

Barshit crazy, and really quite nasty. How can you think imposing a ‘rule’ that these people must have Sunday dinner with you is reasonable?

the basic question of whether they should observe the rules as set down in your agreement is clear - they should - but these rules are so manifestly unfair & controlling, that negates your position.

Charge a minimal rent, and only invite people to dinner where you mutually enjoy being together.

I imagine they are afraid of breaking the periwinkle china 😊

Yes this. I mean they know the rules but honestly I cannot think of one reason why you want to force ppl to do this. You don't live alone and you say there are lots of other ppl at Sunday lunch

It just doesn't make any sense!

The rules are clear upfront. As you say they are free to accept them or not, but if accepted then they should be kept to.

it doesn’t matter if they are unusual, they agreed to the principle and should move out if they don’t want to stick to them.

That is actually repulsive.

No one has to live here, or attend this uni.

I do not ask their finances but I assume they have loans which are bigger because they live away from home.

Most that have stayed over the years haven't worked because not having to pay accommodation has meant they do not need to work during term time. I guess you could say attending dinner was their job.

Maybe he has an eating disorder. I find the idea of using food to control another adult deeply problematic and disturbing. I hope they tell you where to stick your free caravan.

You still haven't said why it's the expectation though. Does it make you feel popular and nurturing to have people sitting around your table? I can't think of any other reason, other than it makes you feel like Lady Benevolence with the serfs worshipping at your table.

I'd have an all day Sunday shift in Sainsbos PDQ.

I was just thinking the same that it’s no different than expecting sex in return for free lodgings. It’s beyond strange and I don’t know anyone who would think differently. You can’t hold people to ransom like that and yes, they agreed but desperate people agree to all sorts - it doesn’t make it right. The OP’s posts do not acknowledge how weird this is at all.

I guess you could say attending dinner was their job.

🤢

Quite vile OP. You are not even pretending you care about these people as individuals, just that you can control them into a certain situation.

Please let this be untrue …

Totally weird rule but they have agreed to it so I guess you aren't unreasonable to enforce it. Utterly weird to let people stay for free , pay their utility bills and then spend even more of your own money catering Sunday dinner for multiple people who are completely capable of feeding themselves in whatever way they choose but are required to eat with you.

It’s weird and controlling because you are essentially paying young people to eat dinner with you. Not only that, these appear to be young people who are either students, or apprentices, and therefore very short on cash. Probably parental funding to some extent. So their parents probably do lean on them a bot to take the deal.

FIL tried this shit with DH’s nephew. Trying to get him to have dinner with us in exchange for money. DH went along for a while until I said that it was batshit, just give him FIL’s cash with no expectation and tell FIL we weren’t being flying monkeys for his weird control any more.

It’s very odd, and not hospitality or generosity.

YANBU.

You are providing a kind of community living, where people can live for free, but are expected to turn up on one community event a week.
I suppose many of your previous guests actually enjoyed it.

The issue is that this guy is using the free accommodation and ignores you.
I don't think you can let it go, it is breaking the concept.

Thing is, it’s not just a couple of hours is it? The whole day is dominated by having to be at a certain place at a certain time, so for people with only weekends off, the effect is that they have no choice of what to do on half of their free days.

at a push, if it was Sunday night, it wouldn’t be too bad because at least they can go out for the day.

v weird rule, and very very controlling

You either let them stay or don't stay but insisting they to eat with you is, quite frankly, bizarre

What happens when they aren't free some Sundays- weddings, christenings, weekends away, holiday, just fancy a sofa Sunday.
I'm seriously hoping that none of these young people are having to turn down other events/ social occasions so they don't miss Sunday dinner. It would be so controlling.
I'd rather help my young adult children pay their rent ( but not to you) than have them stuck in this kind of arrangement.

You are living out the plot of Gilmore Girls.

It sounds like a weird set up- but if they agreed to it 🤷🏼‍♀️

Your rule is batshit but he agreed to it…

I get its "a rule" but it honestly feels like blackmail...."You have to attend Sunday meal unless I deem your reasons for non attendance good enough (so going the gym or a game is not a good enough reason) If you don't agree, you must pay rent or move out"

I get you don't want to feel taken advantage of by providing free accommodation, but then a peppercorn rent would be better than forcing people to come to a meal every week .

They maybe didn't realise how they would feel about this enforced meal before moving in which is why they agreed to it, they may now dread this part of the week but have to do it or be made to move out if they can't afford rent

Its an odd way to treat family.