To expect Sunday Dinner as the agreement?

[TipJarTroubadours]

Small details changed but the short of it is:

1. We allow people to stay in self contained accommodation for 'free'
2. The only 'cost' is attendance to Sunday dinner
3. Aibu to refuse to let someone stay (or charge them market rent) if they don't attend dinner

The long of it is

DH and I own a residential static caravan site. It has been in DH family a long time. It has great transport links to a major city.

We allow close family/friends to stay rent free whilst they attend uni in the city/start a new job. We have had 15 different people over the years, some for six months, the longest five years.

Currently house DS and nephew who are both at uni and DHs best friends daughter and her partner who has just started an apprenticeship. All four attend Sunday dinner, as have the 15 beforehand.

(For those that are interested, I cook the meal and then they take turns to make/buy a pudding and wash up (most goes in the dishwasher) I have had one with severe allergies who used to bring their own food, and one that was fussy so I used to make them beans on toast every Sunday. )

My sister's son has been living with us since September, I was very clear on the rules- it might seem odd but for a 10k saving a year I expect attendance at one meal a week.- they both knew about this.
Since starting he has attended one, preferring to go to the pub/gym/game on a Sunday. It has been raised with him and we have said if he doesn't attend then we will charge him rent (we have other uni students renting although they are all mature)

I have gone to my parents for half term and have just met my sister and told her the same. My parents and her think I am completely unreasonable to ask him to attend Sunday dinner, I think they are completely unreasonable to expect me to house him for free after agreeing to my rules ( there are costs involved for me, utilities etc plus not being able to rent it out)

I've said he has to attend tomorrow or I will bill them from now until Christmas and if it isn't paid will evict at Christmas.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my nephew to do what he agreed to in return for accommodation? (I don't think I am, even if expecting to attend dinner is unreasonable, he has agreed to the terms, he could have just rented halls)

Lol freely agreeing to have sunday dinner in exchange for free accommodation with the complete freedom to either pay rent instead or live elsewhere is not akin to coercive control.

Yes, and that is utterly bonkers.

It’s very odd. Can’t imagine anything worse than eating Sunday dinner with people who don’t want to be there. Such a bizarre demand. I don’t think you’ve fully answered the question of why? Why can’t these people choose what to do with their own Sundays? It’s very controlling

It sounds anything but wholesome that’s for sure. OP is holding a metaphorical gun to her own nephew’s head. Offering him something very tempting for any young new student (free rent) but with a caveat that is unreasonable for a new student (dinner attendance every single Sunday). I wouldn’t want to have to go and have dinner at a relative house every Sunday under threat, who would? OP has played nasty games tempting a young student with the irresistible pull of free rent. Dinner might sound harmless enough but the price to be paid for not attending is harsh. Like something out of the Victorian times, maybe OP ran a workhouse in a previous life.

Where do you think he’s going to magic up 800 quid a month, good god.

Why do you think that post is funny, exactly?

On the very dubious assumption this is real, then I hope that the people OP is abusing seek help if they need it. There are some very weird vibes coming from her and her mate on this thread.

Or, as the adult, OP could similarly instigate a conversation but it sounds like she wouldn't budge. As a student he could be in sports clubs etc, OP said pub/gym/game. Sounds like a healthy life for an 18 year old student.

And yes, 18 year olds can be awkward! And don't always value family connections - that's quite normal. But what OP is doing is likely to result in resentment. So when he is older and does value those connections, he won't be interested in her.

It’s extremely controlling behaviour. You’re making out you’re so kind letting people live in these caravans but you’re exerting your control over them, for no other reason other than you enjoy having that control. They can’t afford to rent elsewhere so they have to come to dinner even if they don’t want to. That’s controlling. You can dress it up any way you like OP- it’s weird controlling behaviour

edited to wonder if this is just a bored OP

This is very interesting because it is such an unusual obligation. I think if OP had said “all we ask is that he walks our dog every Tuesday” or “all we ask is that he mows the lawn every week” people would be much more on her side… there’s something about the idea of showing up to dinner (if it’s not High Table at Oxford I suppose) giving us all a feeling of oooh, I dunno about that… Apols if the millionth person to observe this, it’s a long thread and haven’t read it all

Why won't you tell anyone what you get out of coercively controlling people who dont want to be there to sit in a room with you for several hours once a week? What, in your strange mind, does this achieve?

You do know they will dine out on talking about your weird behaviour for the rest of their lives, right?

Do you also dangle being written into the will over their heads to ensure they never quite escape you? I would imagine that would have varying success depending on how poor, and how old they are.

Well op, you might win the battle but you will lose the war. You maybe able to force him to sit with you till next summer, as he can’t afford the rent and it’s always difficult to find student accommodation mid year. But you will lose the war and your family will never forgive or forget how you’ve behaved. Inc your own mother and they will all be talking about you and your creepy controlling ways. The whole family.

will it make you feel superior. Watching him sit there every Sunday, knowing he’s no option till he can get alternate accommodation and a job?

my only hope is his parents have enough money they can pay your invoice and then get him the fuck out of there and they call cut all contact with you. But there will be other young people won’t there, that you do this too. As it’s not just him. There’s been 14 others. And you will find more. As long as you’ve those caravans you can use them to force these young people every Sunday to tolerate you.

You’re taking this a bit far. Are you joking? So now he should have the right to free accommodation because it’s abusive to make him come for dinner?

Of course it’s a free choice, he can pay rent or live with his parents like every other person has to.

He’s just started uni. It’s a very busy time for uni students, making friends their own age, going to lectures etc. It can be a whirlwind. Maybe he doesn’t have the brain space to be with his strange aunt.

I totally agree. So weird (if real)

The same way he would for any other landlord.

Or go back to living with mummy.

My children as teenagers were never expected to be free for Sunday lunch..should I have evicted them ? OP you are very very controlling!!

Yes, I think it’s because for those things it’s jobs that you might pay someone to do. So you’re exchanging rent for something else that has potential monetary value.

Whereas most people don’t pay for company at a family Sunday dinner.

That sounds so utterly creepy. Shudder.

Oh, are you also an abusive creep pretending that being homeless or paying enormous amounts of rent doesn't put him in a vulnerable position and utterly change the dynamic of the situation?

Do you also weirdly blackmail your relatives to tolerate you because you have power and privilege?

Or are you just the OP's weird husband?

And you don’t know how far away from uni his mother lives, and he hadn’t planned to have that sort of money for rent. Or I’m sure he’d not be living there,

But he’s better off out of uni and back with his mother and restarting next year than dealing with this.

this is just so deeply weird 😶... and yes disturbing. I can't imagine feeling good about myself about coercing someone into socialising (or doing anything else tbh) with me.

Weird.

OP is living up to HER end of the bargain.

The onus is upon the freeloader to explain his absence.

What do you think his fellow students are doing? Do you think they're all getting free housing. Can we stop acting like his aunt is his only option.

So why are you so on OP’s side sbout this? Don’t you think mowing the lawn or dog walking is better than making someone attend dinner every week?