To expect Sunday Dinner as the agreement?

[TipJarTroubadours]

Small details changed but the short of it is:

1. We allow people to stay in self contained accommodation for 'free'
2. The only 'cost' is attendance to Sunday dinner
3. Aibu to refuse to let someone stay (or charge them market rent) if they don't attend dinner

The long of it is

DH and I own a residential static caravan site. It has been in DH family a long time. It has great transport links to a major city.

We allow close family/friends to stay rent free whilst they attend uni in the city/start a new job. We have had 15 different people over the years, some for six months, the longest five years.

Currently house DS and nephew who are both at uni and DHs best friends daughter and her partner who has just started an apprenticeship. All four attend Sunday dinner, as have the 15 beforehand.

(For those that are interested, I cook the meal and then they take turns to make/buy a pudding and wash up (most goes in the dishwasher) I have had one with severe allergies who used to bring their own food, and one that was fussy so I used to make them beans on toast every Sunday. )

My sister's son has been living with us since September, I was very clear on the rules- it might seem odd but for a 10k saving a year I expect attendance at one meal a week.- they both knew about this.
Since starting he has attended one, preferring to go to the pub/gym/game on a Sunday. It has been raised with him and we have said if he doesn't attend then we will charge him rent (we have other uni students renting although they are all mature)

I have gone to my parents for half term and have just met my sister and told her the same. My parents and her think I am completely unreasonable to ask him to attend Sunday dinner, I think they are completely unreasonable to expect me to house him for free after agreeing to my rules ( there are costs involved for me, utilities etc plus not being able to rent it out)

I've said he has to attend tomorrow or I will bill them from now until Christmas and if it isn't paid will evict at Christmas.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my nephew to do what he agreed to in return for accommodation? (I don't think I am, even if expecting to attend dinner is unreasonable, he has agreed to the terms, he could have just rented halls)

You can establish traditions and invite people to partake. And release them from any obligation if they indicate that it's too onerous.

And then one also is released from further obligation to THEM.

Best wishes to the nephew for his escape. I wonder what he'll think about those horrid dinners 20 years ago when he's still forking out student loan repayment...

He agreed, then attended one of her dinners and clearly didn't enjoy it. It's extremely weird to force an adult to socialise or risk eviction.

Yes, as I also said - the AIBU question about whether it's unreasonable to ask him to stick to terms. Yes that is theoretically reasonable. But the request itself is not.

Gosh it must be like a hostage situation around that dinner table 🤣 do they all have to sit there waiting for you to dismiss them, how long do you keep them captive each week?

I mean your accommodation your rules and all, but this is very very weird. I just couldn't imagine having people round who are only there out of fear of eviction. What an odd setup.

There is something so cold and therefore quite frightening in OP’s ability to so easily evict young people from the property. Relatives too. Wow. I hope our paths never cross op because of this is what you are like with young relatives I wonder what you are like with others who don’t stick to your rules.

Or under the patio, if they are lucky

Yes some of them still come to Sunday dinner on an entirely voluntarily basis. 😮

No one is debating the value of communal meals

You're missing the point.

Its the choice that's important.

Exercise is good for you. What if her condition was he could live there but only if he became vegetarian and went running 2x weekly? Whether or not a thing is good for you is not the point.

She's going about it all the wrong way.

If he gatherings aren't attractive to people, she maybe needs to examine why not. Getting huffy that people don't want a thing rarely makes them want the thing.

Or they'll be cut from her will 🫠🤣

I thought it was a bit odd/unreasonable at first but having read some of the replies and all of OPs responses I don’t think it is unreasonable at all.

He’s not contributing anything in lieu of rent - time is a valuable commodity and to turn up each week and spend a couple of hours with family is respecting the arrangement.

Psychopathic tendencies you are picking up on.

You understand that the two options available aren’t ’eating alone’ and ‘being bribed to eat with someone’

And he’s not holed up scrolling with a takeaway. He’s out. Socialising. You know, like the research says is good for you.

God I hope they don’t start having Pot Noodles for Sunday dinner…. 😱

He won't be evicted for not going, only if he doesn't go AND refuses to pay rent. It's in the OP.

OP, I think it's not wrong of you at all to say this is the rule. I think it's that you want nephew to want to come to dinner as a way of saying thank you. He should be grateful you are providing this free place to live, and he should want to go to dinner, not be forced to. It leaves a sour taste in the mouth to realise that he actually doesn't seem that grateful after all. I'm not saying he should be bowing and scraping to you but is it possible he always expected this would be offered to him, and he doesn't really understand the handout he's extremely lucky to be receiving?
This is just what you do, isn't it, when you are getting something for free? Surely we all understand the unstated payment in kind rules... I don't particularly enjoy seeing my elderly great aunt as her conversation is very self-centred and her flat is a nightmare of fragile china, but I understand the expectation is we spend time with her, and in return she gives my children generous presents and me occasional gifts of money.

The sweet release of death

Yes but after a few visits you might feel you’ve had enough. You might find it’s becoming a chore. I can imagine the first one I’d be ok with, maybe the second and third but after that I’d be thinking I don’t feel like going today. Then I’d wake up Sunday morning and think, shit I’ve got to go to aunt’s again later. I’m an aunt myself and wouldn’t blame my nephew one bit for feeling like that because I know I would.

Op genuinely, this is a total abuse of power. I would be contacting social services and maybe the police to check out your ‘caravan site’ and how it is being used to exploit young people.

Apparently a couple of her ex ̶p̶o̶v̶e̶r̶t̶y̶ ̶s̶t̶r̶i̶c̶k̶e̶n̶ ̶h̶o̶s̶t̶a̶g̶e̶s̶ tenants visit her a couple of times a year, because they hope to be written into her will.

I mean, the will part is my assumption given the entirely transactional nature of their relationship.

The difference being something awful isn't going to be inflicted on you if you didn't go and see your aunt.

Its an obligation, but it's still a free choice.

Choosing to kick out your nephew from accommodation that you can afford to give him, because he doesn't want to eat with you, seems breathtakingly cold and controlling.

This reminds me of having to go to Rosings and visit with Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and marvel at her largesse. You do know we're not meant to admire those kinds of characters, right?

I really can't imagine how just plain psychotic you would have to be to hold an 18 year old to an obligation of sitting having Sunday dinner every week under threat of withdrawing their home.

I mean, if you did that to your own child most people would rightly label you as a monster, but somehow you - who clearly, obviously are either the OP or someone very close to the OP - think it's justifiable.

I mean, I'm joking about this sounding like a horror movie but you and the OP could certainly pass as the antagonist in one. It's just fucking weird on top of being abusive.

It does seem a tad shady.

The real bullshit to this whole charade is that she's pretending what a community and family tradition this is, she so generously provides.

But she'll happily cut herself off from that same family, her own mother, sister and nephew if she can't force them to sit through what she wants. Not needs. Wants.

It's a power trip, because MIL did it to her. Now it's OP's hard earned "crown" to wear.

I'd be so freaked out if the price of rent was attendance at weekly dinner - but as a broke student I'd still have taken the dinner and just hoped the dinners didn't get stranger and I'd end up having to watch sex shows between the crazy aunt and her partner or something.

Absolutely this!

I lived with my cousin for a time when I was at uni and her rules were nightly family dinner unless I had specific plans, for the same reasons.