To expect Sunday Dinner as the agreement?

[TipJarTroubadours]

Small details changed but the short of it is:

1. We allow people to stay in self contained accommodation for 'free'
2. The only 'cost' is attendance to Sunday dinner
3. Aibu to refuse to let someone stay (or charge them market rent) if they don't attend dinner

The long of it is

DH and I own a residential static caravan site. It has been in DH family a long time. It has great transport links to a major city.

We allow close family/friends to stay rent free whilst they attend uni in the city/start a new job. We have had 15 different people over the years, some for six months, the longest five years.

Currently house DS and nephew who are both at uni and DHs best friends daughter and her partner who has just started an apprenticeship. All four attend Sunday dinner, as have the 15 beforehand.

(For those that are interested, I cook the meal and then they take turns to make/buy a pudding and wash up (most goes in the dishwasher) I have had one with severe allergies who used to bring their own food, and one that was fussy so I used to make them beans on toast every Sunday. )

My sister's son has been living with us since September, I was very clear on the rules- it might seem odd but for a 10k saving a year I expect attendance at one meal a week.- they both knew about this.
Since starting he has attended one, preferring to go to the pub/gym/game on a Sunday. It has been raised with him and we have said if he doesn't attend then we will charge him rent (we have other uni students renting although they are all mature)

I have gone to my parents for half term and have just met my sister and told her the same. My parents and her think I am completely unreasonable to ask him to attend Sunday dinner, I think they are completely unreasonable to expect me to house him for free after agreeing to my rules ( there are costs involved for me, utilities etc plus not being able to rent it out)

I've said he has to attend tomorrow or I will bill them from now until Christmas and if it isn't paid will evict at Christmas.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my nephew to do what he agreed to in return for accommodation? (I don't think I am, even if expecting to attend dinner is unreasonable, he has agreed to the terms, he could have just rented halls)

Have you married into a settled traveller family OP? I know the Sunday gathering is very important in that community.

Indeed. I paid a year's tuition for my niece's first degree and will be paying the full 5 years of tuition when she goes to medical school next year. I do this because I love her and I attach no strings at all.

When she messages me and comes to visit, I'm really pleased but it's entirely up to her.

This is her family, not an ‘investment’.

She could just help them out without strings. Or, you know, not.

How grateful does your sister have to be? Do you knock a bit off if she’s less than effusive?

I would be betting they are Jehovah witnesses or some other cult. Otherwise paying/forcing/blackmailing people to have dinner with you is just so desperately sad. How insufferable do you need to be to even come up with this scenario.

Are actually an alias of the OP 🤣

OP has already said there is no religious reason for it.

Not that if it was, it would be a good reason in any case.

Well op your creepy offer is clear, and you’re about to fall out spectacularly with your family. Or sit there enjoying the discomfort of your own nephew as he is forced to sit there with you every Sunday night like the others.

disturbing doesn’t come close to describe this. Disturbing and sad as hell.

Did you not read the thread? This is a long-established arrangement that has been offered to many other young people over the years, with some considerable success.

If the nephew doesn't like the terms of the offer he is free to move on. OP and her family are not interested in merely providing a free place to live to someone who can't be bothered with them. Let the nephew's parents do that.

Obviously.

One of the strangest things I have ever read on here. Like something from a movie. You can stay for free but MUST attend dinner. Beyond weird.

I question the 'success'. Has it fostered good relationships or led to resentment with the other 'guests'

Come on! I can’t believe anyone would say this was reasonable. It’s bloody weird. It sounds like one of those old Tales of
the Unexpected. What if they don’t like your cooking? Offering a free home to young people is an amazing kindness but if it was me I think I would take on extra work and pay my own way to escape your odd control.

Wait wait wait.

Ungrateful nephew, have to leave the family estate due to not following the rules, weird rituals and expectations due to previous generations, a lackey in the thread….

OP, are you the Queen?! I thought you were dead!

they agreed to the (strange) situation and they’ve broken it. They’re choice.

I think you should get an invite to one of OP’s much coveted Sunday Night Dinners, you sound like you will get on well.

What do you consider success? A dinner party with people who don’t wish to be there but only turn up as they have to for free accommodation. It is utterly tragic. And not any form of success. Success is people coming willingly. Not bribing or blackmailing them to do so. Yes, she was successful in forcing these people to endure it in return for free accommodation, but there can be no part of her doesn’t know they wouldn’t be there if she wasn’t offering them free accommodation to spend time with her, and forcing it with threats.

Agree with this. Kind if you to house them for free but absolutely weird to evict someone because they haven't attended Sunday dinner.

I wouldnt attend either because (and im sorry to say this) i would be weirded out by the forcefulness of having to sit and attend a dinner for rent...

No she had not!

she said her in-laws did it and she was grateful for being able to live for free and save.

she has said why she’s continued with the tradition of offering free accommodation- but not explained why she’s made the dinners a condition of the free accommodation at all!

She hadn’t explained why they matter to her, just that it’s the deal and as a deal he should keep to it. Nothing as to what she gets from this, why she’s made cares about them, why she thinks it’s a good thing.

she must have a reason or else she’d let it go. you have presumed that “being an active member of the family” is the condition- and that this dinner on this evening is the only way they could do that. And have you missed that 2 of the young people currently living under these terms are not related to either her or her DH but the daughter of a friend of DHs - why do they need to pretend to be family?!

OP gives me the absolute creeps. I keep imagining a Miss Haversham powdered face and a faint smell of lavender talcum powder, strange little dolls posed around the living room and a loudly ticking clock.

Someone upthread mentioned Tales of the Unexpected and I totally get that vibe from OP.

People are unable to address the question asked and are projecting their own issues onto the OP's situation. This is probably one of the most batshit threads I've seen on Mumsnet. OP won't give the mob a satisfactory explanation for the agreement she made with her nephew so they've filled in the gaps with bullying speculation. You'd think mature adults would be ashamed of behaving so badly but apparently not.

She's abusive, coercive, a shit cook, poor company, can't make friends and her caravans are not fit to be rented on the open market. Batshit.

How about the flip side: Thanks for the free accommodation Aunty Tipjar, now piss off and leave me alone as I don't want anything to do with you. Sod your family dinners.

This thread has surely got to go into the Mumsnet Hall of Fame.

Or he could just pay the rent.

Princess Margaret, surely? But also dead.