To expect Sunday Dinner as the agreement?

[TipJarTroubadours]

Small details changed but the short of it is:

1. We allow people to stay in self contained accommodation for 'free'
2. The only 'cost' is attendance to Sunday dinner
3. Aibu to refuse to let someone stay (or charge them market rent) if they don't attend dinner

The long of it is

DH and I own a residential static caravan site. It has been in DH family a long time. It has great transport links to a major city.

We allow close family/friends to stay rent free whilst they attend uni in the city/start a new job. We have had 15 different people over the years, some for six months, the longest five years.

Currently house DS and nephew who are both at uni and DHs best friends daughter and her partner who has just started an apprenticeship. All four attend Sunday dinner, as have the 15 beforehand.

(For those that are interested, I cook the meal and then they take turns to make/buy a pudding and wash up (most goes in the dishwasher) I have had one with severe allergies who used to bring their own food, and one that was fussy so I used to make them beans on toast every Sunday. )

My sister's son has been living with us since September, I was very clear on the rules- it might seem odd but for a 10k saving a year I expect attendance at one meal a week.- they both knew about this.
Since starting he has attended one, preferring to go to the pub/gym/game on a Sunday. It has been raised with him and we have said if he doesn't attend then we will charge him rent (we have other uni students renting although they are all mature)

I have gone to my parents for half term and have just met my sister and told her the same. My parents and her think I am completely unreasonable to ask him to attend Sunday dinner, I think they are completely unreasonable to expect me to house him for free after agreeing to my rules ( there are costs involved for me, utilities etc plus not being able to rent it out)

I've said he has to attend tomorrow or I will bill them from now until Christmas and if it isn't paid will evict at Christmas.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my nephew to do what he agreed to in return for accommodation? (I don't think I am, even if expecting to attend dinner is unreasonable, he has agreed to the terms, he could have just rented halls)

I was asking the OP.

And I imagine the young man didn't really think OP would impose the freakish toll, he probably imagined she would let it go as it's such a creepy and bizarre demand.

He's learning that the world is full of weird people who do shitty things and will use their privilege and money to move people around like toys for their amusement.

I hope he finds somewhere else to live, and quickly. Pretty much anything would be better than having to kowtow to this creepy demand, but he's young so he may take some time to realise that.

Why does she need to explain? She wasn't asking if people approved, she asked if she would be unreasonable to hold her nephew to the agreement he entered into with her BEFORE he moved in.

Maybe he should read this thread and start a go fund me to move out of the crazy house. We'll all contribute 🤣

What happens during these hideous dinners?? Picking out the eyes of baby rabbits? Burning small animals on the stake? Some other depraved routine? Bloody hell op. Just leave the kids alone.

It’s creeping me out too. And I’ve a horrible feeling it’s real.

These young people being forced to attend this Sunday dinner every week , they don’t have to eat, but need to be there and then wash the dishes, every single Sunday, whilst the op makes happy small talk and pretends they are all happy, exhibiting huge amount of control over them as she’s making them do it for free accommodation.

it’s utterly disturbing,

Or he could just tell her to piss off.

If I'd agreed to those conditions, I'm not sure I'd have understood that you really meant it! I'd probably assume you were joking and maybe even that it would be easier for you if I didn't come to dinner. I'd rather pay something in order to have my Sunday to myself rather than be forced to attend a dinner.

Quite right, schoolgirl error there.

I can’t begin to imagine why you would do this. Either kindly offer the accommodation without strings, or rent it out commercially. What you are doing OP is extremely odd at best.

I absolutely would!

Urgh you’re just so awful I can’t even comprehend. So weird and controlling.

Has op answered the question about the reason for this requirement?

And the majority think the agreement was unreasonable in the first place. But she refuses to accept that, so why ask the questions?

Well her own mother and sister thinks shes unreasonable. So..

No reason, just because she wants to!

Not as batshit as giving your nephew the ultimatum of having dinner every Sunday or else.

Please may I come and live rent free in exchange for attending a free meal once a week?

The whole thing, OPs responses, her initial question, the scenario you've just evoked, it really makes my skin crawl.

It's literally the plot of a shitty straight to video horror movie.

is Op child free? Is that what this is about?

I am childfree myself and can’t imagine anything worse than having all those people to dinner.

I feel like this isn’t as weird as everyone is making out. Asking your relatives to pay rent with their company once a week for a family Sunday dinner is not the usual set up, but it’s hardly that unusual.

I personally would’ve bitten my aunts hand off if she offered me this when I was a student. I’d have turned up half drunk and hungover mind you.

It’s your rules, and I think you’re doubling down because he’s refused to come to so many and now it’s the principle

I’ve a funny feeling unless you’re really in a dire situation you’d go once, wash the dishes and not want to go again either, like her nephew,

I don't disagree with your 3rd paragraph about the importance of family and community. But I don't agree the way to do this is by "forced" (I know he could pay or live elsewhere but if he wants to remain in the accommodation that he is settled in he has to attend) family meal

Why can he not express interest in spending time with others, develop family relationships and be an active member of the family a different way if he doesn't want the meal?

Why can't he help out around the house or grounds? Come round for a cup of tea a different day? He could be an active member of the family and continue family relationship in other ways.

This meal way runs the risk of him either moving out and never speaking to op again or suffering through the family meals for the next 3 years, hating them and deciding hes never coming to a family meal again, whereas if there was more "choice" in attending, he may grow to love them and continue to come many years after. Sometimes the more you push, the more people pull away

I hate how some people with money think they can control situations and and buy people, yuck. Sorry op this would make me feel uncomfortable. Please make your own life instead of forcing your traditions on people.