To find DDs in-laws level of wealth overwhelming at times

[Glowanna]

My DD is in her 30s, she’s been married for 8 years, has two lovely little boys. When DD got married her in-laws gifted them the money for the house. This is in London and the house ended up buying was almost 2 million, no mortgage etc.
When her DHs younger brother got married they did the same for him and his wife. It’s always been very clear that if they divorce it gets split, the house was a gift to both etc. her in laws are lovely people.
Now her two little boys are enrolled in a private prep, her in-laws pay half the fees, DD and her DH pay the other half. Her in-laws also take all of them (her DHs brother, his wife and 2 children) on holiday every April, usually the Caribbean, always in business class etc. I can’t imagine it’s a cheap trip.

On the flip I’d say we are rather ordinary. We are now mortgage free but like most people spent many years paying it off. We state educated our children, they went to grammar for secondary. Right now in retirement we are fine, we take all the family to center parcs once a year but definitely couldn’t afford all inclusive at a fancy resort in the Caribbean for 10.

This week we went to visit DD for a little while. Her DHs brother and his wife invited us over for dinner one night, they live in this massive detached house in what I believe is a very nice part of London.

We just got home and I’m feeling really overwhelmed by it all? I understand that rich people will always exist and that as a result their children always benefit but I’ve never really been this close to crazy amounts of money before. Sometimes I feel like we just don’t compare well, that our center parcs holidays will be lost in the memories of April in the Caribbean for our grandsons.

AIBU to feel this way? Has anyone experienced similar? How did you handle it?
You’d think 8 years in I’d be used to it but I’m just not!

Some of these comments are really bitter and resentful, full of Jealousy, for people they know who have money or even the ops daughter. And I think sadly that’s what causes much of the divide.

I'm sure you DGC love the holidays they have with you. My DD9 loves whatever she's on whether it's abroad luxury or uk break

I think this is just a convoluted, pick-me humblebrag post because OP is clearly connected to these wealthy people and enjoys their company. So they secretly love the fact that they are rich by proxy but feel too ingrained to act humble. Hence a weird rambling post about how it's unreal or unbelievable that people could have that much money, combined with the morally superior high-ground of being hard working middle-class people.

No normal adult in a capitalist society will find wealth "overwhelming" because we are constantly confronted by it. Pop culture normalises the extreme top 5% of lifestyles to the point that most people, regardless of class, adjust to luxury extremely quickly. Putting on a wide-eyed "how can people be this wealthy" show is fawning and disingenuous at best. This whole post gives off an aura of desperately wanting to show off how privileged they are by using reverse psychology and trying to gain public sympathy points for being humble in the face of incredible wealth.

Sounds like DD has the status anxiety due to the other members of her now family having even more money....

It makes me think DD has forgotten where she came from!

What has your daughter done wrong, exactly? This is very much a you problem.

You are basically bringing your down daughter because you feel insecure, and that is not nice at all.

Your DD’s problems in life are relative to her circumstances, just like everyone else’s.

You find it difficult that your daughter doesn’t seem to appreciate how lucky she is. But nor do you. How lucky you are that the extent of your daughters problems are her not being able to afford a ski trip, or a more expensive prep school.

If its any comfort, I found our Caribbean holidays quite dull and disappointing. Beach and water were fabulous but the rest was a bit sterile. I much prefer a walking holiday with friends. Experiences matter more.

You sound like you are ok financially (own a house, can afford centre parcs). To many many people in this country you are probably considered rich. (and you don't seem to realise this)

So what if you can't afford what they can? It sounds like they are nice people.

Just enjoy their hospitality and reciprocate if you can.

As long as your dc don't end up being spoilt.

Sure, but there will always be people with more money than you, just as your own lifestyle will appear staggeringly wealthy to others. I have friends with yachts and racehorses and immense amounts of land, and friends who live very modestly in rented houses, friends whose lives were modest up to a certain point when trust funds from grandparents matured or they inherited large amounts of money, or whose parents left them London houses they’d bought for ordinary money, but which are now worth a couple of million.

I've voted YABU for comparing. Id be happy if my daughter was gifted a house and had extra money to live on

I've put you are being unreasonable, though can completely understand how you feel. I think the thing to remember is its presence not presents, good quality time together and a loving relationship is what your daughter, and her children will remember (should remember). That her in laws seem to be more financially fortunate, but also lovely people is a good thing - the kids are benefitting from a private education that may well give them a bit of a boost in life, and it isn't always the case that we'll off inlaws are pleasant and generous. Try not to compare, you sound lovely and your daughter knows what's what. X

I used to work with a very wealthy man, he kindly offered a piece of furniture to my DD and said he'd deliver it, but would call in and pick me up to go with him. I was horrified at the thought of him seeing my home, which was not only humble, but I was in the middle of decorating a room that hadn't been done since the 70's. When he came to collect me, I didn't invite him in because I felt embarrassed, but when he brought me home, he asked if I was going to give him a coffee for all the work he'd done. I felt obliged, and was dreading him looking down his nose, I should have known better, as he knew how much I earned, so was obviously aware I wasn't rich. We sat chatting over coffee, and he amazed me by saying 'I really envy you', I thought it was some sort of weird joke, but he said 'Honestly, I know how lucky I am to have the money and home, etc, that we do, but I'm nowhere near as happy now as I was when I had a home like yours, and had to save to get work done on it, or do it myself. In fact I often wonder why I bothered, obviously the wife and kids are happy to have everything they have, but for me, life is boring, because it's all too easy now.' As I said, I was shocked by this, but it just goes to show that money doesn't always make you happy, and the OP's daughter proves it, as even though she's wealthy now, it just makes her want more, rather than being happy with what she's got.

Same. My DC have been to the Maldives, Caribbean, California, skiing etc etc etc. Business class flights. With us rather than in laws but yet the hols they go in about the most? Glamping in Dorset and seeing their cousins in the West of Ireland and running around on a beach in the rain eating slightly sandy sandwiches. Every year they beg if we can go back again.

I was going to say you shouldn’t worry that the grandchildren will prefer one over the other as it is all about relationships, you being there for them and having fun with them. I also agree at this age centre parcs probably seems more fun. However I can see why you find your DD’s attitude more difficult. Everything is relative though and people live to their means. People may see you say you are mortgage free and can treat your family to a trip to centre parcs every year and think that’s extravagant or you’re bragging. I don’t think that’s the case at all but my point is if you keep comparing yourself it will always be overwhelming. If they are lovely people as you have suggested that is the most important thing. They can’t help how much money they have and so try not to judge them for it.

My dh's parents are wealthy - maybe not quite in the same realm as your dd's in laws, but FIL drives a Porsche, has a lot of designer clothes / furniture etc.

I come from a working class background and my mum lives in an ex-council 3 bed semi and lives off her state pension.

I can honestly say my dc have never compared in a financial sense so please don't worry about your grandchildren finding you 'lacking'. They know that the £20 and hand knitted socks my mum gives them for Christmas is worth just as much as the £1000 that grandpa has deposited in their accounts recently just because he needs to skim a bit off the top of his investments. The love and time spent with them is so much more important.

(DD's comments about her financial situation would piss me off big time though!)

Tbh I wonder if he said that because he picked up on your anxiety and was trying to put you at ease.

Where does she say that her daughter isn’t happy? Having the occasional complaint about something or another, whether it’s a genuine complaint or an attempt to relate, doesn’t mean she isn’t happy.

You sound like a wonderful parent and grandmother, some of my DC’s favourite holidays were center parcs with extended family.

If you start reminding your DD where she came from in response to her moaning about the cost of ski holidays, you may find that the divide between you becomes even more noticeable.

My DH and I have achieved financially what neither of our parents were able to and I’ve found it increasingly difficult to find a meeting of minds on many things because they just don’t understand.

Yeap, got it.

It is hard to imagine how others can have it so much better and it is not even jealousy just yes, overwhelming.

The all family seems to be rather nice so honestly well done for raising children whom match with other nice people. It seems you have done a very good job! Well done mama!!

Enjoy the invitations!

Too many comments, apologies I didn’t read. I just wanted to say that it’s about memories. Not what is spent. It’s easy to get drawn into the luxury of it all, but honestly, it is what they will be accustomed to. What’s the old adage? ‘Buy a toy and kids play with the box’…
make memories, not debt. That’s what’s actually important. (Coming from someone who has seen both sides of the coin)

I ended a friendship with a guy whose parents were similar levels of wealth. The wealthy son was academically a failure (went to private school & still got bad grades). His family paid for his £2m home and several flash foreign holidays for him, his wife, 2 kids & the other brother’s wife & kids. I estimated £80k holiday x 2-3 per year, every year for years. Basically, the failure son was always tapping his parents for money. Speaking to the ex-friend his parents were chavs, it took some years to get the info out of him, then he said they had won the lottery as I couldn’t understand how they came from poverty & suddenly had tons of wealth. Basically, the ex-friend was intensely selfish, didn’t give a fook about anyone. Odious man. Money bought him respectability ie nice area, but his character was a chav, rude, arrogant, self-obsessed, entitled bore. He thought money buys you everything, but he had no friends.

I don't think you are unreasonable in worrying, it's very normal to compare situation when you're confronted with such big differences. But I think your daughter still appreciates what you have done for her and are still doing, and I'm sure she and her family still enjoy the centerparcs holidays. I have a friend who takes her grandchild to the seaside for a week every summer - to the child that's the highlight of the holiday, nót the trip to Thailand with his parents 😃

Comparison is the thief of joy. Your DD is comparing what she has with her DH's brother and you are comparing what you have with them and you're both unhappy. I bet the kids love their Center Parcs holidays as much, if not more, than the Caribbean holidays. STOP COMPARING!

I can see why you find it difficult. But they will remember the kind of person their grandparents were, the way they made them feel and the relationship they had with them at the end of the day. Doesn’t matter if you’re a grandma living in a one bed flat in a retirement complex who buys the kids a selection box at Christmas. Are you fully present with them, affirming, interested in what they have to say?

I remember telling my grandad I had a new job and the next time we spoke he’d looked at a map of where the job was, looked up the places all around it and had thoughts and questions. He never forgot a detail of anything I told him.

my in-laws are incredibly wealthy and my parents feel this, however they spend far more quality time with our dcs doing crafts, taking them on hols for a week to a cottage in wales etc. helping them with homework/ Halloween costumes all the stuff that we haven’t got the head space for working crazy jobs and that means the most to my dc (one of which is sc) they all prefer to spend time with my dp than DH dp, it’s not always about money xx

I was the child in your post…

I am now in my 40’s and let me tell you, the best times of my childhood were ‘cheap’ camping holidays in the UK, not flashy, expensive trips abroad.

Memories are created by positive feelings and feeling safe/loved, not from money.