To find DDs in-laws level of wealth overwhelming at times

[Glowanna]

My DD is in her 30s, she’s been married for 8 years, has two lovely little boys. When DD got married her in-laws gifted them the money for the house. This is in London and the house ended up buying was almost 2 million, no mortgage etc.
When her DHs younger brother got married they did the same for him and his wife. It’s always been very clear that if they divorce it gets split, the house was a gift to both etc. her in laws are lovely people.
Now her two little boys are enrolled in a private prep, her in-laws pay half the fees, DD and her DH pay the other half. Her in-laws also take all of them (her DHs brother, his wife and 2 children) on holiday every April, usually the Caribbean, always in business class etc. I can’t imagine it’s a cheap trip.

On the flip I’d say we are rather ordinary. We are now mortgage free but like most people spent many years paying it off. We state educated our children, they went to grammar for secondary. Right now in retirement we are fine, we take all the family to center parcs once a year but definitely couldn’t afford all inclusive at a fancy resort in the Caribbean for 10.

This week we went to visit DD for a little while. Her DHs brother and his wife invited us over for dinner one night, they live in this massive detached house in what I believe is a very nice part of London.

We just got home and I’m feeling really overwhelmed by it all? I understand that rich people will always exist and that as a result their children always benefit but I’ve never really been this close to crazy amounts of money before. Sometimes I feel like we just don’t compare well, that our center parcs holidays will be lost in the memories of April in the Caribbean for our grandsons.

AIBU to feel this way? Has anyone experienced similar? How did you handle it?
You’d think 8 years in I’d be used to it but I’m just not!

‘our center parcs holidays will be lost in the memories of April in the Caribbean for our grandsons.’
My parents took us on many lovely, expensive, exotic holidays as children, it’s the weeks in the caravan at skegness with my grandad that I remember the most, don’t worry x

We are not broke and have bought everything we own, nothing has been gifted. And that’s ok.

my (step) cousin on the other hand didn’t think twice in hitting her DM and her DH up for a couple of million for a new home. She works but I’m not exactly sure what in her lifetime she has bought for herself, with the previous home being a family trust property. Her partner is useless.

in the meanwhile the parent/s rarely see or hear from her and that’s what I struggle with. Neither does the rest of our family.

the money they have is of no concern to me and I know how they made it, through hard work and investments. They generally fly first class and regularly replace the Bentley and Mercs. I get to drive a spare one when I’m visiting, yay!

but it hasn’t bought them better health. For some reason they are worried about claims on the estate when the DH dies and I’m not sure who from. I don’t believe it would be anyone from our side.

we don’t have that worry…

This whole thread (‘just a couple of million for a new home for the lovely young couple’🤢) is basically an advertisement for the wealth tax Reeves will never impose, because she’s here to represent the people with trust funds.

what a nasty post

I'm in a similar situation with my DD but I don't care. We're just different people who have lived differently. I also didn't send my kids to boarding school and spent time with them instead. I'm not criticising their choice at all. There were good reasons for it. I'm just using it to illustrate - different priorities. We'd be wealthier if we'd done things differently but chose not to. I'm happy my DD isn't struggling.

Just try and think of it this way…on these fancy holidays those kids are probably shoved into Kids Club so the adults can do what they want. At CP the kids are enjoying some quality time bonding with their GP, as much as I hate the expression “making memories” in this case it’s true and that’s what the kids will remember for years to come ❤️

Or they’re also having a great time and making memories in the Caribbean. They can enjoy both. There’s no need to tear down one in order to prop up the other.

I don't understand why it's okay (at least it is okay for many people on this thread) to make negative comments and assumptions about what goes on during "fancy holidays". Just as possible to spend quality time bonding on those holidays as it is at CP. The OP's DD's in-laws seem lovely (see the bit about the house being equally gifted to both of them, for example), no need to assume the worst about their vacations. Not saying that the Caribbean vacations are better - they just aren't inherently going to build fewer memories than a CP vacation.

You have just got to remember that whilst you don’t have the benefit, one of your closest kin does.

From the other side, my family is extremely wealthy (tho my DB has made even more money than that) unlike my DH’s family. This means that whilst we have made money ourselves he has definitely ended up with a lifestyle he could not have expected.

My MIL and SIL have both made comments about how they should benefit in various ways. There was even comments about how my DC should share with SIL’s children (ie: if DC have property they should offer them mates rates or better) and I find it infuriating. It’s nothing to do with them and it means I view all interactions suspiciously.

It’s just a fact you can’t change, you just need to find a way to live with it, good luck.

I’d be overwhelmed too .
However , we took out kids to CenterParcs one year and they loved it so there you go 😆
Other holidays they have enjoyed were little cottages throughout the UK 🇬🇧

I don't think it's about holidays , I think it's about caring about the grandchildren on a daily basis, video calling , being excited about their achievements and knowing what is going on in their lives. The grandparents that love and care will the ones that will be remembered, not one week a year. And center parcs is so much fun for them. All the activities and swimming , it's a special experience too.

My in laws are wealthy in a similar situation to what you describe. My family are comfortable professionals who live an enriched and cultured lifestyle but have nowhere near the wealth or extravagance of my in-laws. My kids choose going to family events and for weekends with my side of the family 99% of the time as it’s where they feel the most comfortable and the most loved based on being seen and heard. Please don’t put yourself down OP.

I should add that actually the resentment of my in laws means they engage less well with my DC. My DP’s engage fully with my DC on a number of levels and are people DC genuinely want to include in their lives. In laws not so much.

That's sad. But if you ask my child about their favourite holiday, Butlins ranks extremely highly. I also have very fond memories of my childhood holidays at Haven holidays. I've been on much more exotic holidays which I have also enjoyed, but I wouldn't say I've always enjoyed them more. Some I actively hated.

YABVU

I can’t afford centerparcs and will never own a property. I have read Status Anxiety by Alain de Boton though. Stop comparing yourselves to insanely wealthy people and enjoy what sounds like a very lovely life.

Some Caribbean resorts are cheaper than CenterParcs, Tbf!

I have never thought about it in terms of not being able to have a regular moan or brag without it coming off as being insensitive or sounding like a hint for money 😱. That sounds difficult to navigate, since most conversations will inevitably come down to money.

Money absolutely can buy your health….!! Have you been living under a rock? Do you know how long nhs waiting lists are for anything…?

Agreed. And so would I. I love Centerparcs and we had some fab holidays there with the kids. The Caribbean doesn’t appeal at all.

I personally preferred the Caribbean, but each to their own. It isn’t a competition, and the kids in question will hopefully enjoy both.

I think the point is that with that level of wealth you could do both and not just settle for the quite expensive Centerparcs.
People saying they prefer a weekend in Blackpool/ Skegness over the Maldives would have had to have been to the Maldives in the first place to form that opinion and probably won't have done Butlins etc since they were kids poor and are being nice or sentimental.

Well yeah, you can absolutely can do and enjoy both, and you’d think their grandmother would want that to be the case for the children in question.

She may feel she’s in competition with her daughter’s in-laws, but if she is it’s a one sided one fueled by her own insecurities. Looking for reassurance that her grandchildren will have a comparatively shit time anywhere that’s more expensive than what she can offer (and who knows what they’ll enjoy? Only they do. All anyone can offer OP here is platitudes) in order to make herself feel better isn’t a particularly great mindset to encourage, and nor is it conducive to having healthy relationships with her daughter and grandchildren. That mum/grandma has a chip on her shoulder about their family’s wealth is something they’ll pick up on very quickly (if they haven’t already) and create the very barriers between them that she wants to avoid.

I'd much rather one of my children married into money than was scrimping on food and when to put the heating on and that my grandchildren were going to get a privileged upbringing. I think that even when you are rich there is always somebody richer - not just holidaying in the Maldives but owning the island type rich - so people who might seem terribly privileged are comparing themselves with people who are even more terribly privileged. I don't think it means though that your grandchildren will love you less as long as you are fun and not squeezing the joy out of everything with a chip on your shoulder about their wealth.

My mother was elderly when her grandchildren were young and when my husband and I went on holiday she came to stay and a nanny lived in to do the hands-on stuff with the children. I was pleased I was able to afford to give her the fun side of being a grandmother. Apparently the annual very well paid gig was keenly sought after at the nanny agency - they took the children out for lunches, outings and I provided plenty of spending money. My mother had a miserable childhood in grinding poverty and grew up half starved without any chance of a good education and left home at 14. She too thought it was wonderful that her grandchildren would grow up with so many more opportunities than she or I had. No, I didn't marry wealth - I was quite successful in my career but I had to work very hard for it. I like the thought that my children have a bedrock of financial security to fall back on if they stumble.