Husband constant white lies, what to do?

[Teanandtoast]

My husband has a history of telling lies. These have ranged from saying he drives to saying he'd been to new Zealand when he hadn't to more recently tiny white lies which are seemingly pointless. Other than this, we are happy and get on well. We have 3 kids and are about to move house.

Yesterday i had a cup of tea, and asked where he's put the biscuits. (We'd had a pack in the car) He said I ate one, but the other was smashed and I had to bin it. I could tell it was a lie, so asked multiple times about it, and after a while he said yeah I ate them both.

We were driving, and his driving was erratic and fast, in a 30 the '30' light flashed on, and I said what speed are you doing? He said 36, it 100% wasn't it was faster, I asked him and I said I know you're not telling the truth, I then said I could see the speed, he said. Yeah it was 38.

He will say something to kids eg I'll ask mum to text them, and I said no you can text, then it's I didn't say that etc and he'll lie about what he's said to the kids. So we end up arguing as I'm trying to work out what the hell is going on.

These seem like small little lies, but it's constant the 3 examples I've provided were the 3 I worked out were lies just yesterday.

we've been together 14 years. I am absolutely sick of it. I don't get it. I don't understand why can't just say the truth rather than a half truth.

I feel like he gaslights me about it as he will say things like, why are you even asking? Or why would I lie about something like that? Etc then eventually say yes I lied. We've done couples counselling years ago. I feel like I'm going crazy as I can't trust the simplest thing that he says. I don't know what to do.
Has anyone got any advice or been through anything like this before? Help please!! ❤️

https://www.additudemag.com/compulsive-lying-adhd-adults/amp/

I had one of these. Little lies to mass fantasies. He still does it now.

You have 2 choices. Put up with it and assume he's lying or get rid of him. They don't change

There's an interesting article here, about how to distinguish between a compulsive liar and a pathological liar and how it affects relationships. Pathological Liar vs. Compulsive Liar Partners: 7 Key Differences

You cam understand why he does it. You certainly do not have to put up with it. I didnt. Dh went and got therapy or I was walking

Leave him or don't leave him, it really is your choice. It all depends on what you think you can put up with. Seems to be his constant lying versus your needs as a family for financial security. You have to figure out which one is most important to you - both in the short and long term.

BUT, I lie all the time, am diagnosed autistic, have carried some sort of formal diagnosis of MH since before I was 10 - and I'm nearly 60 now. It's most likely connected to having to mask 24/7 and early trauma. However, I am in therapy (and have been for years) because I recognise that I need to take responsibility for my actions. I've also been married 35 years. Have never done anything dreadful that I've covered up with lies. It's more like I invent my own version of reality because it's so hard to process everyone else's in real time. Although quite intelligent, I do have significantly slow processing speeds. As I say, though, I'm accountable for my actions so once I've had a chance to process something I'll go back to my husband and tell him about my mistake. Over the years, he's come to understand that I'm just an unreliable narrator if he springs stuff on me, so he doesn't spring stuff on me.

On a related note, I'd say most people are liars. They form opinions without sufficient evidence and they have a point of view that requires them to ignore anything significant that would make them change their point of view.

@Teanandtoast I wonder if this article would be of use to him, would he read it?

OP's DH sounds selfish and reckless as well as dishonest. Your advice is to let him break the speed limit or eat OP's share of the biscuits and either never confront him about his behaviour or raise the issue and accept his dishonest response and never challenge his lies in case he feels ashamed?

If I were her, I would much rather split up.

I don't disagree with your New Zealand point. In this scenario I wonder if it is to "fit in". Whatever the reason, I find it baffling because people usually get found out in the end.

It's a known thing and your husband isn't the only one, if that makes you feel a bit better. It's entrenched in childhood and almost always based on a fear of confrontation. It then becomes pathological so it is a learned response even when there wouldn't be any confrontation or adverse consequences from telling the truth. That's what makes it so difficult. They still lie even when the truth has no consequences and they know they will be found out. You can't say you can drive to your partner and never be found out.
It needs specific help directed at the learned behaviour. And it doesn't mean there actually was high levels of confrontation in childhood. It can be low level triggers that develop it. I had to deal with a work colleague like this as a manager. It was difficult, to put it mildly.

Oh sorry I thought you said you couldn’t contemplate raising chn with him .

My ex-husband was exactly the same. He lied about everything, even things there was no reason to lie about. Part of it was his constant attempts to wrong-foot me. Whenever he was exposed in a lie he'd either laugh it off or fly into a rage; the point of rages was to intimidate me enough so that I'd stop exposing his lies.

Anyway, turned out he also lied about all the affairs he claimed he wasn't having. I assume he is still lying to his second wife, and I know he lies to all his children. He's just full of BS from head to foot. I've reached the point where I can pity him.

Can you manage the lies better. Make him responsible regardless of his inexact answers.

For example.
The biscuits. As soon as you sniff a lie ask him to please bring you a biscuit. If need be, ask him to please buy a packet tomorrow.
The driving. He answered incorrectly but, whatever his answer, you needed to ask him to slow down please, because you felt unsafe.

You both need to know that you have agency to make some decisions that the other will respect. DH is acting like a child who is fudging the truth so that he doesn't get into trouble. Will he get into trouble? Do you admonish him? Why can't he direct you sometimes to text the children? That seems reasonable. Why would you disagree? Let him make more decisions.
And simply ask him more directly to act in a reliable adult way.
Pay him the same respect.
Try not to get caught up in the fine detail; some people don't register the fine detail like you.

This is hard going for you. I’m really interested in the answer for personal reasons too.

I just put this into Chatgpt - I know it’s not going to be 100% correct / trustworthy / not expert advice etc but it gives some interesting theories.

‘What’s the science and reasoning behind an adult that continually tells lies (large ones and small ones) or hides the truth.’

Might be interesting to know what his childhood was like / how his parents were with him?

Hope you get somewhere. It must be really frustrating x

This is exactly my experience! It’s exhausting. What I hated was the stuff he’d say about me that was totally untrue but in a room full of people. It was designed to make me feel small or dying with embarrassment and he clearly got a kick out of it.

I went through the same thing.
At first, I wanted closure after we separated. I want to know "the truth" about the life he'd really been living all those years. But gradually I understood that he would never be able to do anything but lie to me, even though it didn't matter any more; our relationship had already been destroyed. Now that the kids are adults I have gone no-contact with him. Talking with him is pointless. He does nothing but lie.

Does he lie to the children?

My brother is a compulsive liar, and it's gotten worse as he's gotten older.

He lies to cover up for perceived failures, lies to impress people, lies to get out of doing things, lies and gaslights to control, to be the top man, the best in the room.

He lies when the truth would have been easier. He opens his mouth and lies fall out.

Extraordinary lies, white lies, every time he opens his mouth it's a lie.

And the worst thing is they he's so f@cking convincing a lot of the time! Because you just don't expect lies when it's a simple matter of how many biscuits he ate or whatever.

So I would start looking at everything your dp is saying through the lenses of "is this actually true". And decide if you want to live like this the rest of your life, regardless of what everyone else thinks.

Also you might be surprised, there will be pp who see through his lies but as they seem so harmless they've not said anything. But they don't have to live with him 24/7.

Also, @Teanandtoast what type of job does he have? Does he lie there as well?
Would it be an issue if he did?

Have you/he considered the he may also be ND? I know someone like this too, lies constantly. It’s not a conscious thing, not attempting to deceive, they just give the answer that is most likely to “fit” with how they perceive the question, masking without realising.

What are you saying by posting this link? Should the op give her dp a free pass because "ADHD makes him lie"?

Forgive me if it was just to help the op understand where it might be coming from.

Living with someone who constantly lies is destabilising and a form of abuse.
Yes it's helpful to understand why but it's not the op's responsibility to put up with it.

How do your ND DC cope with the lies?

I’m surprised by these responses. It’s about avoiding conflict. Obviously however, it’s causing huge conflict but it’s engrained behaviour that he can’t easily change, unless the context also changes. I think you need to think about the prompts that lead to this. If he had said re biscuits, there were only 2 left, I ate them, would you have been cross, and saying they should have been divided? The examples you give do have a policing his behaviour flavour, and that’s quite an unhealthy dynamic for a marriage. Me and my husband tell these sorts of lies to each other, when we haven’t done something or done something wrong, but as a joke, sometimes truly outrageous, like I made dinner but burglars came and stole it, sometimes really subtle to see if we can slip one past the other person( we never can).If he had said an albatross took both biscuits, would you have laughed?
I worry for you because your children will also lie to you at times, and I think you’ll get angry and think they’ve caught it from their Dad, but actually it is normal behaviour for children. It’s when it’s met with overreaction and concern that it becomes engrained. I wonder if your Dh swapped his critical parents for a critical wife. We all mess up, we drive too fast, ignore the alarm , forget to put the dishwasher on, finish the biscuits. Most of us minimise: We tell people we were just about to do something we’d clean forgotten, that the traffic was awful, that we’d love to join their book club but have a prior commitment. Does that mean we should all be divorced, or not trusted around children?

You've mentioned your kids are ND. Does your DH have ADHD? Compulsive lying is an ADHD thing, I have a few family members with ADHD like this and I can't spend much time with them as it's too frustrating. Clearly not an excuse, but an explanation, and one that would show it's unlikely to change.

No, not at all. Just communicate differently.
Slow down please.

It’s normal to change how we communicate according to the needs of other people. Avoiding sarcasm with ND people, for example.
Speaking clearly for people with impaired hearing.

She can choose to make changes to how she communicates, or carry on getting frustrated, or split up though it sounds as though she likes him.

Yes there are things he can do as well, but he isn’t here asking.

It really is in my extensive experience. With my own child I pull him up every time. I also have a SN related job and see it a lot within that.