Colleagues missed my birthday

[englishrosi3]

Every year in my small workplace we have a collection and buy a birthday present for whoever’s birthday it is. I run the birthday collections and buying of the gift. There are 8 of us and we usually contribute £10 each. Nobody complains about the out and they can out as much or as little as they want but £10 is average. I’ve topped it up a couple of times if it’s something that costs a little more.
it was my birthday last week and I didnt even get a card. I’m a bit upset about this and never want to get any of them anything ever again. Only 2 out of them wished me a happy birthday. I had been off work for two days as I went away with a friend and they knew this was happening and why I was off. I posted on Facebook photos of my birthday night away and caption it “birthday” they “liked” the pictures.
I do a lot to help everyone in their jobs as I’m the most senior and experienced there, I really appreciate all my colleagues and that they work well together.. I’m not in massively higher pay than them. I do things for them outside of work like help with lifts and picking up items they need if I pop out to the shops.
im often told I’m a kind and considerate person.

I know I’m a big girl and it’s just a birthday but I love to make a fuss of others and make them feel special and appreciated.

even things like if someone’s work anniversary eg they’ve been here a year I get them Starbucks or cinema voucher.

I work woth children and was always asked to get them help make birthday cards and leaving cards for the staff in the setting. My birthday falls in a holiday period when nobody is at work (Easter) and nobody made me a card. I was quite hurt as it doesnt take much to fold a piece of card and get some fingerprints on it and management had told me to make others but had completely forgotten to get someone to do mine.
I decided to say no to any requests after that and told them why. Now, nobody gets cards 😀

I am like you - always doing things for others. It comes with a cost. I have given away thousands of pounds and hours of my time to help family and close friends. People take this stuff for granted and may even come to resent you. I have been burned a few times and so am learning to be different. I am saving my efforts (and money) for myself. It’s great. Try it.

Happy birthday! I would be upset too. You sound like a lovely person. Just stop with the birthday collections because they wouldn't do it for you. If people enquire just say, I'm not doing it anymore.

I do things for them outside of work like help with lifts and picking up items they need if I pop out to the shops

Its lovely that you want to help, but I would stop all of this , it's sort of blurring the lines if you are the senior member of staff.

In the OP's situation it's actually really not that kind to expect people to regularly hand over money they may not be able to afford and almost certainly can think of other things/people they'd rather spend it on. @ApiratesaysYarrr makes an especially good point that it is likely OP is placing this expectation on people who are paid less than her. Again, really not that kind.

Stop bothering.

It's not necessary to buy gifts out of your own money for your colleagues 'work anniversary' or even birthday.

The fact you do the collection means that nobody else ever thinks about it. I think people aren't that bothered by this so just stop making such an effort.

In my workplace as an office manager we did nothing for birthdays. A collection and card for leavers or PL, but that was it. Nobody got me one when I left as it was my job to organise it. They aren't my friends so I wasn't bothered.

Just rein in your gift giving.

Your co-workers just don’t place as much importance on birthdays as you do. Stop with all the presents! A card is enough (and frankly even that, to celebrate a daft anniversary like being there for a year, is too intense).You are obviously a kind person but if I were one of your co-employees I would hate being expected to spend £70 each year on gifts for co-workers, and I wouldn’t really want gifts I knew people had felt forced to contribute to.

I'm sorry this happened and totally understand why you felt upset

But £70 per year is a lot to spend on colleague's birthdays. And I'd be a little embarraswed to recrive such a generous gift when my family's budget is cliser to £40. And anniversary gifts are unnecessary / OTT, unless for long service eg 25 years

It could be that everyone likes your colleagues more than you. That's probably how it feels to you right now. But, think about it, surely it's far more likely that (a) everyone assumed someone else would step up and / or (b) they're less invested in these birthday gifts than you are. Which is fine, by the way. Your way isn't necessarily "right"

I'd suggest - don't throw your toys out of the pram as you'll appear petty.. Suggest to one colleague that people might prefer a different arrangement eg secret santa and / or each person buys a £10 gift for the next person's birthday etc. See how they react. They may politely agree that generous gifts for everyone are not necessary and you can take it from there

I've always contributed to all gifts etc in my work place.In my area donations in lieu of flowers on the occasion of a death is very popular.All through the years I've organised and/or donated to these also.
My landmark 50th birthday came and went without even a card being given.At the time my Mother was dying and things were particularly grim so I wouldn't have wanted a fuss but a £3 bunch of carnations would have been appreciated.
Mother died followed quickly by 3 other very close family deaths. Not a single donation was given to any charities and no sympathy cards sent.
It's work, these are work colleagues who are fired together and who are not necessarily friends.Remind yourself of that and forget about the group effort.Send a card or a small token yourself if you wish.Personally I'd prioritise those who are suffering through grief or illness over birthdays.

It's REALLY shitty of them to ignore your birthday BUT you need to stop the whole forced, expensive, team birthday gifting thing - it's a bit weird & intense. And as for wedding anniversaries & the like.....just no. They should have had the balls to face the issue & let you know that they were over it, though. That's rude & unkind.

I have never worked anywhere where we even know the dates of colleagues' birthdays, let alone marked them. Everyone is an adult - it's really time to knock this "birthday fuss" on the head.

I had a colleague who probably would have written a similar post to you. She loved doing gifts for everyone and we were constantly asked to chip in for someone's birthday, or graduation, or wedding or whatever. There was always "no pressure," except that there was. Who wants to be the one person whose name isn't on the card, or who everyone knows didn't give money? It is really hard to say no. Some months it was really hard to find the money even though it was a small amount and it was stressful to find it.

Eventually she left, and no-one took over, it was never spoken and never happened again. It just wasn't that important to people. I suspect the OP's colleagues lack of interest in doing it for her, means that they are also not that interested in it and are just going along with it. I would stop all these communal gifts, OP. I don't think this is the gesture you would like it to be. If people want to give gifts, they can buy and give them on their own.

Yes and no. I do find kindness and willingness to help others in the UK plenty as well, but the attitude of ‘what am I getting in return’ or asking money for small favours is definitely creeping in.

For example, a guy helped me with my car a couple of times and I thought ‘oh he’s really nice and kind’. Third time, asked me on a date.

I certainly do a lot of things for people in the UK also and people do a lot for me, but I’m certainly keeping one eye out on ‘what might they want in return’

A £70 present is a lot to get for a colleague. Maybe they wanted to drop the practice and this is their clumsy and insensitive way of telling you?

I'd examine why you are doing so much for colleagues - it seems very OTT.

I think you've got to assume they aren't really invested in this, so just stop doing all of this stuff now and put your energy into your own life.

I like my colleagues and due to my job have fairly active friendships, but mostly I'd just wish them a happy birthday. Collections for birthday presents would drive me bonkers, and giving presents for work anniversaries is really quite crazy.

Nobody complains about the out and they can out as much or as little as they want but £10 is average. I’ve topped it up a couple of times

Well yes, because who can complain that it's too much without looking like scrooge? You have put them in an impossible situation.

Its all very well saying they can opt in or out but thats not how peer pressure works- people will feel obliged to do it because they will be worried they'll look like a dick otherwise.

Spending £70 or over on a colleague is inappropriate- many people cant even spend that on their own relatives! I know you like to think you are being generous and kind but you really arent - you are placing undue pressure on people probably might earn far less than you. That isnt kind.

I work with someone who is overly invested in birthdays, celebrations etc, and I find it overwhelming.

I've even asked that they not get me anything for my birthday, and that they not buy me a bottle of wine at Christmas (out of their own money), because I really really don't want it - only to be told by the organiser that they enjoy sorting this.

I've now reached the stage where I don't sign the communal cards, I don't contribute at all when the request for money comes round - and it's such a relief.

I have to wonder whether the organising of these cards and gifts is really for the recipients, or for the organiser?

Have they always given you a card in the previous years though? It sounds like you just do the organising, and its backfired on you because nobody else thought to do it for you. I wouldn't rely on work colleagues for birthday celebrations - YABU.

OP- in a previous thread you said you run your own small business.

This must mean you are the boss and earn the most out of everyone. Surely in that context you can see how your post comes across?

We had this in my team when I first started working there, thankfully covid killed it off. I thought it was excessive and a couple of my colleagues weren’t very pleasant, one woman looked at the necklace we’d bought her and said, “nah I don’t like this, give me the receipt and I’ll get the money for it”.

It’s a shame you didn’t get much acknowledgment of your birthday, that’s very hurtful but it’s clearly a sign that you’re doing too much for your colleagues. Time to take a step back and stop the birthday gifts now.

Belated Happy Birthday wishes from me, OP xxx

Decades ago, I worked in a place where the team leader was very manipulative and divisive. She made a huge deal of all the other members' birthdays, and knew the date of mine, but ignored the only birthday I had while working there. She knew I had only recently moved to that town and was on my own.

I still remember how crushed I felt, all this time later! I knew it was silly to care so much, but I did and I feel for you. It reminds me to appreciate how much happier my life is now -- and I keep a list of people's birthdays and special occasions on my computer.

I know I’m a big girl and it’s just a birthday but I love to make a fuss of others and make them feel special and appreciated.

You're not being honest with yourself. If you were motivated entirely by altruism you would be satisfied by spoiling others but you are not, you are hurt when it's not reciprocated. You cannot force other people to go to the lengths you do for colleagues so you need to decide if you want to continue what you're doing and receive nothing in return or acknowledge you find the lack of reciprocity hurtful and it makes you feel resentful and stop. Personally I would stop bending over backwards to help colleagues or assuming responsibility for making them feel special.

I think they were tacitly sending you a message.

(The message is “stop with the birthday gifts” btw).

Second this. Was once in a work team where one senior and incredibly paid man organised for an even more senior and well paid man to get a gift paid for by £20 across small and much much less well paid team. The young p.a. who was paid barely anything had to fork out twice and when she left abruptly (due to an unrelated matter) nothing at all was organised as a leaving gift for her. Awful. And yes, I should have used my words & bought a gift myself, but actually I just didn't have the headspace and was the most distant member of the team - personally I'm a grown up, I do not expect birthday gifts even from my nearest and dearest. I think the whole work buying gifts thing is nonsense and very environmentally unfriendly. And don't get me started on secret santa 🤯😂🙈