WWYD? Big age gap and no where to turn…

[Abcdefghno]

DH and I have been married for a few years now. There is a 15 year age gap between us. We met a couple of years after I had finished uni.

I had a great life - starting a really great career, living in London, lots of friends. (Would never say this in real life but hell - it’s MN and anonymous so who cares!) I was slim, glamorous and was always able to get any guy I wanted on a date. I met DH who had a fantastic job, great looking and we really hit it off.

We had a great couple of years… lots of holidays, having fun together. I loved that he was older and much more mature than men my own age.

The Covid years hit and we decided to have a baby. We now are married with 2 gorgeous DC.

We moved out of London for DH’s job to a really boring area and I’m a SAHM. We discussed this prior to having kids and I agreed on being a SAHM - neither of us wanted to have kids and stick them in nursery.

However, I’m now early 30s and all I can think about is what could have been. DH is now mid 40s. I see people my age marrying people our age and all of the men that were previously immature all seem to have grown up and are settling down. I notice the age gap between me and DH now, whereas it didn’t seem so big at the start of our relationship.
I had so much potential in my chosen career and I gave it all up. I couldn’t even go back to it anymore as I no longer have the contacts I used to, and I can no longer put in the hours that would be required.

I have a great life with DH. He is a complete workaholic but me and the DC have everything we could ever want and he adores us. We have a lovely house in a ‘good’ area, nice cars, multiple abroad holidays a year etc. but I just feel so unfulfilled. I have no friends other than ‘mum friends’ as we moved away and I’m the only one that’s had kids so we just grew apart. I never got to do the living alone and dating thing really and I really regret that. I see what all of my old friends and university colleagues are up to and I’m so envious of how ‘free’ their lives are.

My DC mean everything to me. I don’t feel comfortable putting them into childcare so I can’t ever work full time really. DH’s work means that he wouldn’t ever be able to regularly help with school drop offs/pick ups etc. This is what we agreed prior to kids. I would never earn even 1/10th of what DH does so it just doesn’t make sense for him to give up work in any capacity.

I’m also now a couple of st heavier and feeling like I wasted all of my glam, skinny years!!!

Not sure what I’m looking for by writing this really. Just any advice or thoughts welcome!

@Abcdefghno you have a decent caring husband who treats you well, you have no financial worries. Why not talk to him about doing something more for yourself, retraining. You're a team.

Mark my words, a man like him would be snapped up in days. Then youd be left with two kids to bring up pretty much on your own. Men tend to avoid women when they haven't got time to date. And then you'll have to find time for a career. Be careful what you wish for.

Look your option boil down to
A. Do nothing
B. Blow it all up
C. Proactively build on what youve got.

I was in tv/media its a young persons game. Forget it now you have 2 kids... its gone. Pick something else - retrain, start a business, whatever....
Set health goals, set travel goals, whatever.
Make some friends locally who have similar lifestyles to you.

Build on what you've got would be my advice.

When I met my dh and 33/34 and felt my 20s were a fucking waste - just emptiness, drinking parties and working long hours looking for meaning and to dampen the lonliness.
Politely you have no clue what a sea of human effluent most women wade through to find a decent husband - the info you provided is scarse but his biggest crimes seem to be aging and working hard... 🤨 so im struggling to shout ltb because he seems decent, family oriented and you loved him enough to marry him. Your discontent with him is your discontent with yourself.

I wish I'd met my dh aged 25 (although he'd only have been 18 so it wouldnt work....!) And we'd have more time, happiness and memories and most importantly more children!

But did you miss the bit where she says her dh is a workaholic. What does me time look like if you as the sole earner aren’t home before 9pm/10pm/11pm

Where they live isn’t London where you can go out into the centre and be surrounded by people and things to do at 9/10/11pm. It’s the countryside and the only things you can be surrounded by is sleepy sheep, cows and horses

The age gap will feel wider and wider as you age, once he hits mid 50’s you’ll really see it. But that doesn’t mean you should end it and blow apart the family you have made, remember that all of this was your choice. But you do sound like you are unfulfilled and need something for you, You need to find yourself a new career/job, make sure you are seeing friends and exercising. The children will grow and become more independent, don’t lose yourself while you’re waiting for it.

I don’t have much sympathy because of the judgy comments about sticking kids in nursery. And the insistence that it wouldn’t be possible for you to work. Of course it would. Work is like a social outlet for me these days with 2 kids. I’d be bored stiff without that. There is nothing wrong with being a SAHM but it sounds like you are really unfulfilled and bored by it.

People should be warned about age gaps. My friend is mid 40s and her husband is early 60s. He's retiring and just had knee replacements, whilst she's still very glam and at height of her career. They essentially lead separate lives, but with young children holding them together. Not always the case of course, but 15 years is a big gap, and it widens as you get older.

I agree with a few other posters, it sounds like the age old ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ we all do it! But what you see online isn’t real & what people choose to tell you about their lives isn’t necessarily real either. Maybe speak to your husband and see if there is anything you can both do to reconnect, you must have fallen in love for a reason. Remember the small little things are all that really matter in the end xx

I think outside of MN it’s not an unpopular viewpoint and according to stats most people do marry within their age range and those marriages are most likely to endure .

I agree with this too - it feels like the man has had his fun and growing up and independence. Then in his late 30s or 40s or whatever he settles down with a younger woman who hasn’t that fun and freedom so it doesn’t feel fair to me. And there’s often some misogynistic thinking involved in the fact they want the youngest woman possible. I feel if men want younger women they should marry them when they too are young!

Obviously some women are fine with this arrangement but many live to regret it. Especially if they become financially dependent on their husband and didn’t develop their career.

I also stuck to my age range and typically never dated a man more than 7 years older or younger than me.

What does love even mean, really? I agree with the saying that love is a verb - it's the actions big and small that we take every day to show love and caring. It's something that has to be worked at and nurtured. I'd at least have lots of open conversations with my DH, push for changes and try counselling etc before just walking out.

Yes , I agree ..
Why don’t you just leave the man alone if these are your feelings towards him ..

That’s sad - what happened to your friends? It’s never too late to make some news ones.

Exactly

Two things strike me. First you sound immature and unable to accept that life has its stages and you made your choices. Second, you didn't know yourself well enough to make the choices you did, probably too immature then too.

Your dh has done exactly what was asked/expected of him, you can't blame him. It's really on you and you need to own it a bit.

I don't know how you can turn this around but you will make everyone unhappy in the process of getting out of it if you don't. Learning to be very grateful for the blessings you have is a difficult thing if you are, well, just not.

Great post. Agree entirely.

Not wanting a job or career because you’d have to use childcare is ridiculous.

Most 20-somethings who marry and have kids with other 20-somethings both have to work because they’re too early on the career/housing ladder to afford to do anything else. So if you really want to live like a 20-something, get a job.

Work will not only give you something to focus on other than your kids, it will potentially give you a new social life, friends and your own income which you can rely on if you decide that the age gap really is the problem in your relationship and you want to leave

I would also like to point out that age gap relationships can work.

My grandparents had a 14 year age gap. They both worked very hard and accumulated wealth, meaning they retired at 60 and 46. They spent the next 20 years together travelling, holidaying, sharing hobbies. The biggest ‘issue’ is that my grandfather died at 80, leaving my grandmother a relatively young widow at 66. They had an absolutely fantastic time together and she wouldn’t change it for the world.

OP I've given up a lot in my life, partners, homes, jobs. At the time I thought it was because they were making me unhappy and it's only in old age that I've realised that I suffered badly from depression. It's too late for me now, but please explore your mental health before you make any rash changes, your post reminded me so much of my younger self.

I understand what you mean to some extent. Having kids is a big life change for most people. A lot of freedom goes, you can’t just do what you want when you want to. Of course there are huge rewards but there can be a loss of an earlier version of yourself, or a hypothetical version ie what could have been. But this is just projecting a narrative that does not exist. Yes, those years might have been more fun, but there would have been some downs too. I’d suggest a couple of things to reflect on. You mentioned no to childcare which is fair enough. Is this primarily your thinking or his? Are you thinking no childcare ever? Would it be ok at a certain age? What do you do for yourself in the week? What do you do when your DC are at school? Hobbies? Could you study something new, either just for interest or with a view to retraining? Could you volunteer? Could you go to the gym? Have you reached out to old friends? How do things work with money in your home? Might it be worth seeing a counsellor or life coach to help work out what you want? To me it sounds like you are lonely and bored (and maybe feeling powerless?) which I know can be hard. But thinking about what could have been will not move you forward. There’s lots of small steps you could take to make life more interesting. Re the passion being gone, I don’t think this can always be sustained at the levels earlier on after you have kids. But I think emotional intimacy really grows which gives a real sense of security and peace. I also do wonder if in some way you resent your DH in the sense that he’s off out of the house and you’re at home with the kids, maybe feeling under appreciated? That can be a big passion killer.
Whatever choices we make, nothing can be perfect, there always going to be the good and the not so good. Talking to your DH about how you feel so you can work out together how to move forward could be a plan. Or if you prefer not, just smaller steps/choices might help. Good luck.

I think you are feeling very isolated and alone. Are there any groups you could join , children's groups? Volunteering can be very fulfilling. I think you are bored with the same routine , day in, day out. You need to meet people, be around others. You will feel good talking to your dh about your day, you can make friends. Being a mother doesn't mean you have no life. Please give it some thought

I think as you grow older lots of options close for you as you choose other ones. You’ll have women who concentrated on their careers wishing they had prioritised finding a husband. Most people don’t manage to do everything as they’d hope as there’s only so much time and energy. I think it’s natural to wonder what your life would have been had you chosen a different path. When you think of this life you’ve no idea what it would have actually been like and so have a fantasy version.

I think like others have said you should try to work at your marriage.

I’d look at the things you can change relatively easily first. Look at diet and exercise and lose the weight you’re unhappy to have gained. Spend some time feeling good about your appearance and clothes, this makes a huge difference.

Then find something fulfilling to do alongside your parenting. Even if for a couple of days a week. Can you retrain for a new career, you’re still very young so plenty of time when the kids are older.

Plan some fun things with your DH and see if there is still any spark. Do you have any childcare at all? Perhaps look at what’s available locally - it doesn’t have to be a nursery, maybe a nanny is a better option?

You are early 30s. Your best years are yet to come. I think you need to get back to work. If you have the resources you can get a live in nanny. Kids will not suffer and particularly not if mum is happier. Secondly work on the marriage. DCs leave you tired and in need of a refresh. Go take some counselling and focus on reinvigorating the marriage. Make sure you make time for both of you as well as the kids.

You need to go back to work, and re-discover purpose beyond your children. They will be in school soon and you will feel even more bored and dissatisfied.

No judgement of SAHP - I know that there are some parents who find it incredibly fulfilling but you are clearly not one of them. Great childcare and early years education can add so much to a child's first five years. My children's lives were enhanced by their relationship with our wonderful childminder. I am a better mother because I work.

You are so young and you sound utterly trapped. You can't work on your marriage unless you are both staying in it out of choice, not necessity because you've made yourself totally dependent and unable to leave by the age of 30.

You need a career - you sound bored. Why not look at getting a nanny if you don’t want to use nursery or childminder? Better for your DC to be looked after by someone else for a few hours a week than for their family to be split up.

Also, if your DH is a workaholic, then a talk about him putting effort/time into your relationship as well as family time with the DC might be necessary.

You have a few choices but start by working on you. Get your body back in shape if that's what is getting you down. Stop looking at others and thinking the grass is greener, it invariably isn't.

Work at the marriage. Your DH is a good provider and you obv fancied him and married him, so buried is a spark of passion, find it again. Or end the marriage and have a lesser life than now in the hope you meet someone your age!

Make new friends. I used Facebook after my DH died and I moved to a new area. My DCs are young adults now but they were 13/14 when their DF died. A strong network of female friends is liberating. There are 14 of us in a core group, 8 of us are good friends, and there are about 25 in the wider group. We hit festivals, shows, meals, visit places, go away for the weekend (Copenhagen is our next trip followed by Wroclaw). This means I have something in the diary most weekends.

But mostly, find some feelings of gratitude for what you have. I think your set up sounds like a good foundation for a successful relationship and family life.