WWYD? Big age gap and no where to turn…

[Abcdefghno]

DH and I have been married for a few years now. There is a 15 year age gap between us. We met a couple of years after I had finished uni.

I had a great life - starting a really great career, living in London, lots of friends. (Would never say this in real life but hell - it’s MN and anonymous so who cares!) I was slim, glamorous and was always able to get any guy I wanted on a date. I met DH who had a fantastic job, great looking and we really hit it off.

We had a great couple of years… lots of holidays, having fun together. I loved that he was older and much more mature than men my own age.

The Covid years hit and we decided to have a baby. We now are married with 2 gorgeous DC.

We moved out of London for DH’s job to a really boring area and I’m a SAHM. We discussed this prior to having kids and I agreed on being a SAHM - neither of us wanted to have kids and stick them in nursery.

However, I’m now early 30s and all I can think about is what could have been. DH is now mid 40s. I see people my age marrying people our age and all of the men that were previously immature all seem to have grown up and are settling down. I notice the age gap between me and DH now, whereas it didn’t seem so big at the start of our relationship.
I had so much potential in my chosen career and I gave it all up. I couldn’t even go back to it anymore as I no longer have the contacts I used to, and I can no longer put in the hours that would be required.

I have a great life with DH. He is a complete workaholic but me and the DC have everything we could ever want and he adores us. We have a lovely house in a ‘good’ area, nice cars, multiple abroad holidays a year etc. but I just feel so unfulfilled. I have no friends other than ‘mum friends’ as we moved away and I’m the only one that’s had kids so we just grew apart. I never got to do the living alone and dating thing really and I really regret that. I see what all of my old friends and university colleagues are up to and I’m so envious of how ‘free’ their lives are.

My DC mean everything to me. I don’t feel comfortable putting them into childcare so I can’t ever work full time really. DH’s work means that he wouldn’t ever be able to regularly help with school drop offs/pick ups etc. This is what we agreed prior to kids. I would never earn even 1/10th of what DH does so it just doesn’t make sense for him to give up work in any capacity.

I’m also now a couple of st heavier and feeling like I wasted all of my glam, skinny years!!!

Not sure what I’m looking for by writing this really. Just any advice or thoughts welcome!

of course it doesn't. But it's a great base from which to plan change.

I don’t think OP needs a new man, I just think she needs something in her life that isn’t kids.

@valentinka31 Not if you are not attracted to your husband and fundamentally don't love him.

How you handle age differences depends on your situation, your needs and attitudes. For 15 years I lived with someone 49 years younger than me. She wanted a child and I couldn't give her one for medical reasons. So she found someone she liked who could.
Now I live with her, her husband and their daughter. I no longer have a sexual relationship with her; we are all close friends. And I support and have a relationship with someone so much younger than me it's almost embarrassing.- but fun.
How you live your life depends on your attitudes - and imagination. Few people have much of that. They like to follow the herd.
But when I was much younger I decided that if you live like everyone else you might just as well never have lived at all.

Sounds like you have a wonderful life but yes as others have said marriages need maintaining.

The ‘free, younger, dating’ people will be married or in the thick of baby years soon. You’ll be past it sooner and ready for your second wind whilst still being very young!

You could give it all up and try being a single mum and it might not seem so appealing then!

I do think you should be honest with your husband about how you feel as he shouldn’t be settling for someone who only half loves him when his ‘soulmate’ could be out there? I don’t think you’re being fair to him.

If you’ve got young children and you’re married you are living the life of someone in their 30s (as well as someone who’s maybe 40) even if your friends haven’t settled down yet. It’s very normal to be settled down with kids in your 30s, but I do get that you feel you settled down too early in your 20s. How old are your kids? Could they go to childcare one day a week and you do something part time? Childcare can be great for kids- mine loved the social aspect. Maybe once you can get back into work, you will feel more like yourself again. It doesn’t have to be the same work. Just something that makes you feel like you’re more than just a mum.

To quote a mumsnet staple, “comparison is the thief of joy”.

If you were a single career woman, you might also wonder if you’d be happier as the sahm with a happy family and well off husband you currently are.

If I’m honest, your post focuses on all the wrong things. Being slim, being able to “get any guy” in the past. Of course that’s fun, for a bit! But there is more to life.

If I were you, I’d focus on trying to maintain your personal interests and start working again. That will enhance your life. Thinking about other men and your weight wont add anything.

Go to a job agency or see if you can speak to a careers coach! Working in tv will give you good transferrable skills - have you thought about festivals, theatre, events management, the arts? Also look at doing a course!

My daughter was at home with me until she was over 2.5, then went in a few mornings a week and now she is 4 she is in childcare a few days a week and honestly it has been great for her in terms of socialising, confidence etc… She has learned so much from the nursery staff and the other kids - she loves going in! I felt like I was going mad when it was just me and her, you need to use your brains and challenge yourself. Look up courses, speak to some career people, do a bit of part time volunteering or even just take up a hobby. Even if you just put them in for the 15 hours initially it would be good for all of you!

As someone who had a kid at 39 I am very jealous of my friends who have teenagers and are going to festivals, plays and on adventurous holidays with their kids!

If I’m the sole earner so DW can be a SAHP then call me unreasonable but I’m not paying for a nanny for them to have me time, they can have me time when I get home

It sounds like you need a bit more going on in your life to feel fulfilled. This should be possible without upending your family situation. Just some tweaks. Get those children into even a little bit of childcare - it will do them good. Spend that precious time on self care and doing things for you. Get that glam back! Explore dormant interests. If you are doing 100% of the childcare yourself, that is really hard, no matter if you love doing it. You are giving out all of the time. Important to be able to express this to your husband as well. Don't expect him to fix it, but he can at least be supportive. Btw, I also think it's really important to be that role model for your children that says you are an independent person who can look after your own happiness, show them how that's done. They will look back and admire you for that.

I would not throw that away just because "I'm not in love anymore" Being in love is temporary. It's never going to last. It either evolves into something stronger or it dies.

And as we get older our objectives in life change + our bodies change as we age. Don't mistake 'calm and peaceful' for boring.

Be very careful that you don't throw away a good marriage chasing social media representations of just how wonderful everyone else's life allegedly is.

You need to discuss how you feel with your husband, find out what he is feeling (ie find out if the marriage is 'good' or not) and then plan fwd from there. If it's just low key calm and peaceful and you both want some excitement, make plans. If you need a part time job, retrain.

@MeTooOverHere Totally disagree. My in-laws have been married 60 years and they are most definitely still in love with each other. They're amazing ❤️ Life is too short to be married to someone you do not love.

Good-o. My advice was to the OP.

@MeTooOverHere I was arguing your point about not being in love after a certain period of time. It is pretty obvious the OP isn't.

I think some of the comments here are from people who have never been with someone from a young age where there is a big age gap. You are living like it's the 1950s and no wonder you aren't happy. You need more in your life. If DH is earning 250k you can afford a really decent nursery. Just put the kids in kindergarten and start some kind of volunteer work that might lead to paid work (not at their school) that will help broaden your social circle and give you some relief from the domestic. Going back to work saved my mental health.

Despite what others say, 15 years is a really big age gap. I have 7 years between me and my DH and I really notice it especially now, and it has only become MORE of an issue as we have both become older. These relationships from a young age with someone a generation removed keep you pretty sheltered. You missed your young wild and free stage. As the children grow older I would encourage you to travel on your own just for short trips. In Europe, everything is close so it's easily done. Get a nanny if you need one or leave the kids with relatives. Do classes, do a dance class, do evening classes, anything at all.

Or consider leaving. You are only early 30's. You can meet someone else. You can start your life again. Past 40 this gets much harder. You would get a lot of child support. If you want to leave, start preparing now with a 2-year plan which includes a confidential chat with a lawyer and a plan for your own career. Teaching is a great career for single mothers. I know plenty and they are very happy. If you feel like this now, imagine when you are 45 and he is SIXTY years old?

Oh cmon it's a HUGE age gap and you know it. Anything over about 7 years is big. Even over 5 years I would say.

@DeepRubySwan "Teaching is a great career for single mothers." You're pulling my chain!!!

There is a HUGE difference between being IN LOVE and LOVING someone. Don't lecture me, I know exactly what I said and I don't appreciate you butting in.

Is there a TL;DR please?

@MeTooOverHere Oh dear. That's kind of the point of debate 😆 And no - I do not agree with you. My in-laws are still in love after 60 years.

@Abcdefghno not really much advice but a bit of solidarity! I also worked in film & tv and met my now husband who was 11 years older. Fell pregnant quite quickly and had to give it up as I could no longer fulfill the 70+ hour weeks and travel to shoots. He still works in that industry and is away quite a bit, leaving me with our two disabled DC. It can be very lonely. I went back and retrained and now at 32 years old work as a midwife. The hours are long but I only work 3 days a week and feel like I have an actual life away from the home! Going back to work is very daunting however I do think it’s beneficial for mental health purposes.

This isn't a debate. This is an advice column.

I have requested multiple times. We've been married 18 years. No prenup. I would get an incredibly generous settlement. I'm still a very glamorous size UK 6 at 43. He has said multiple times I look better now than when we married. He has absolutely no interest in a divorce and he had a shame kink that only emerged when he passed the £20m net worth threshold which is what absolutely repulses me. He wants me to talk dirty about how much he repulses me though which just...isn't what I signed up for. He tries to trigger me by not showering etc to say mean things. We simply aren't compatible anymore. TRUST ME. I have encouraged him to find someone better for him.

Many of those single, glamorous friends probably wish they could settle down. Instagram isn’t reality — it often shows only the highlights. You seem to have a lovely life, and I’d really encourage you to count your blessings and try to see things from a different perspective.
Imagine being a single, beautiful woman in London: working long hours, living in a small rented apartment, going out partying often, dating different men, and then coming home alone at night — feeling empty and lonely. And remember, youth doesn’t last forever. In just a few years, the number and quality of potential partners tends to decline. Many of the good men will already be married, leaving mostly divorced ones or men with their own issues.
Now, think about what you have: two beautiful children, a good husband, financial stability, and the precious chance to spend time with your kids as they grow — moments you’d miss in a 9-to-5 job that wouldn’t care for you the way your family does.
If you feel things have lost a bit of spark, you can always bring it back — maybe by losing a few pounds if that makes youfeel better, planning a romantic dinner, or having a cozy movie night with some champagne. Talk openly with your husband about how you feel, what you appreciate about him, and what he appreciates about you.
Trust me, you haven’t missed out — you’re actually one of the lucky ones.

Really? How long have you been married? I only know one couple out of 45 we're regularly in touch with who are happy in their marriages. The one is age appropriate but they're both from ex-soviet nations and as conservative as you could possibly imagine. She cried and had a meltdown about him seeing her fall asleep pumping because he took a photo. He meant it as a joke. He is a good guy. She saw it as an epic failure she's atoned for over 9 years to never look so unattractive.