WWYD? Big age gap and no where to turn…

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DH and I have been married for a few years now. There is a 15 year age gap between us. We met a couple of years after I had finished uni.

I had a great life - starting a really great career, living in London, lots of friends. (Would never say this in real life but hell - it’s MN and anonymous so who cares!) I was slim, glamorous and was always able to get any guy I wanted on a date. I met DH who had a fantastic job, great looking and we really hit it off.

We had a great couple of years… lots of holidays, having fun together. I loved that he was older and much more mature than men my own age.

The Covid years hit and we decided to have a baby. We now are married with 2 gorgeous DC.

We moved out of London for DH’s job to a really boring area and I’m a SAHM. We discussed this prior to having kids and I agreed on being a SAHM - neither of us wanted to have kids and stick them in nursery.

However, I’m now early 30s and all I can think about is what could have been. DH is now mid 40s. I see people my age marrying people our age and all of the men that were previously immature all seem to have grown up and are settling down. I notice the age gap between me and DH now, whereas it didn’t seem so big at the start of our relationship.
I had so much potential in my chosen career and I gave it all up. I couldn’t even go back to it anymore as I no longer have the contacts I used to, and I can no longer put in the hours that would be required.

I have a great life with DH. He is a complete workaholic but me and the DC have everything we could ever want and he adores us. We have a lovely house in a ‘good’ area, nice cars, multiple abroad holidays a year etc. but I just feel so unfulfilled. I have no friends other than ‘mum friends’ as we moved away and I’m the only one that’s had kids so we just grew apart. I never got to do the living alone and dating thing really and I really regret that. I see what all of my old friends and university colleagues are up to and I’m so envious of how ‘free’ their lives are.

My DC mean everything to me. I don’t feel comfortable putting them into childcare so I can’t ever work full time really. DH’s work means that he wouldn’t ever be able to regularly help with school drop offs/pick ups etc. This is what we agreed prior to kids. I would never earn even 1/10th of what DH does so it just doesn’t make sense for him to give up work in any capacity.

I’m also now a couple of st heavier and feeling like I wasted all of my glam, skinny years!!!

Not sure what I’m looking for by writing this really. Just any advice or thoughts welcome!

It is a tale as old as time. Woman gives up career for an affluent housewife life. Regret creep in
Retrain get a new career. Get some self fulfilment that’s not based on fripperies and lifestyle
Warn your kids not to have a life that involves women giving up careers and autonomy

No I know tons and they get both discounted or free school fees plus school holidays off. I am in Australia mind you where teachers here make 100k (AUD) plus after only a few years and have a strong union. But my point is that it won't be easy but it can be done.

My god that is so so depressing. One in 45 couples that are happy? Why do we do this to ourselves?

You’ve created your own barriers to career progression. Won’t use child care.
How you going to get any employment traction if you won’t use childcare?
I mean come on, you’re a young woman. You’re affluent Throw some money at the problem. Use childcare stop being a mummy martyr. You don’t have a career because you literally don’t put in the hours

Do you realise that you can divorce him? You don't need his permission to end the relationship. Contact a lawyer and get started with it if it's what you want. He doesn't have to agree to end the relationship, but you can divorce him anyway against his will.

You sound very materialistic and don't seem to have any financial problems so not sure why you are jealous of others? And what exactly do you mean by "better men" compared to your DH?!

Get a job. Problem solved.

But why would I? Who actually enjoys sex with their husband? I get loads of lovely breaks booking the most expensive resorts in the world so he doesn't mind a smaller suite. I don't dislike him. His personality I like a lot. He's great fun. Just not the sex. His refusal to do the jabs is a big sticking point for me because he's technical obese while now being retired and exercising hours a day which ruin any ability of plans between us. He's likely avoiding me as much as I am him. His excuse is ridiculous though when he's fat and training 7 days a week. Verified training. Would have preferred an affair.

This is a very predictable outcome
You refuse to use childcare. You won’t work. You left London moved away from work contacts and the hub of work to live in the burbs. You gave up work,consequently you have no career. Your problem is you. Your choices. Your pursuit of a lifestyle and those choices have consequences.
Retrain, get a job. Arrange childcare. Throw money at it.

Absolutely agree.

This....

You do sound bored to death...

Don't be a martyr to your kids... Most women work... And there is good child care out there... Or with your family income you can have a nanny a couple of days a week.

The pressure is off as you actually don't have to bring in a specific amount of money...

So. Use the days to retrain /do something stimulating....

Don't be So passive

Your kids won't suffer if they have good childcare rather than a bored to death mum!

I agree. Everyone thinks everyone else's life is perfect. Agree about the childcare but what about a nanny. Your kids must be close to school age now anyway. Hire the nanny and spend the time choosing what you want to do in the future: study, work, applying for jobs/uni etc. I understand as had a very similar life trajectory.

I think that you’re bored. The early years are so full on with kids that you have no time, and as you come out of those it’s time to find some stuff for you!

If you have plenty of money, I would look around for a career coach and have this conversation with them.

If you have media experience and qualifications, my suggestion would be to have a look at where you could pivot to, thinking about roles which fit well round a family, using the coach will let you pull out your own feelings.

Eg if you identified publishing as a worthwhile area then you could do a masters in publishing over the next two years, studying whilst the kids are in school. By which time you would probably feel very differently about them being in after school club a couple of nights a week.

Or you might identify that you want to do something with more heart than the media, and pivot to working for charity. You might pick up some part time work from home admin work for a charity which you can fit into school hours, and then use that experience to move into a more senior role in 2 years.

Additionally I would recommend that if you don’t currently have a cleaner, get one. You’ll need that set up for going back to work/study etc.

If you don’t already have a gym membership get one, and aim to get a personal trainer for a few sessions to support with the weight loss. It gets much harder to lose in your 40s and if you’re working, so now is the time to do that.

If you miss your old friends from pre children days get back in touch! Your kids are old enough to be left overnight with their dad or close family. Go into London, meet them, have a night out, book into a hotel and have brunch before you go home!

Sorry but this is a gilded cage of your own making and making comparisons to friends presumably looking through the lens of social media is going to make your life poor!

Start looking at your husband and children as your issue of discontent and look at yourself to improve your self worth. Get a job, use childcare like the rest of us , you can afford a cleaner so employ one!

I am very confused as to what you think will be the outcome if you up and leave.

He can't do full time parenting, you can but then can't work, or go anywhere, do anything - in what way would you be better off?

Or, work within the parameters you currently have which is plenty of money, nice place to live etc, and build a more fulfilling life.

If having done that you still don't feel like you love your husband (and I agree with PP, 'love' and 'wildly in the first stages of love' are not remotely the same thing), then leave him.

It doesn’t help to compare yourself with others - you have 2 DC so if you left your DH your life would still not be carefree and glamorous. Lose the weight - Mounjaro, gym, whatever works for you - and start studying towards a qualification so you can start a new career once the DC start school. It’s not the age difference that’s the problem (I have a similar age difference with my DH), it’s that you are bored and feeling unfulfilled. Once the DC are in school, if you are still unhappy then reassess, but by then you will be able to support yourself financially and be in a much stronger position.

OMG you are me…married a man 15 years older than me, we had a good marriage for 15 years but the next 15 years were just boring as hell. We separated last year and I basically have no life other than my grandchildren.
I have no friends and I’m lonely as hell, I have a part time job but it’s just me that works there so no interaction with people. XH is mid 70’s and has a girlfriend and he still works part time, plays golf and has friends.
My advice would be get out now and make a new life for yourself. The age gap gets worse as you get older xx

I don’t think it’s the age gap as such, I think it’s that you basically settled down very young.

These threads are always feeling sorry for some bloke who shacked up with a girl straight out of uni. I mean if a 36/37yr old was sniffing around my 21yr old daughter I would be horrified. I never feel sorry for these men, I see them as fundamentally predatory.

OP missed out on the formative experiences that many of us had in our 20’s. I got married in my late 20’s to someone 7yrs older than me. I was at the edge of too young for him, he was at the edge of too old for me. By the time we got married I was ready to settle down a bit. There is no way in hell I would have wanted to live a sensible life with a 30 something yr old straight out of uni. Now I have some vague regrets of not kissing more boys but I am happy because I had that more carefree time in my life and was ready to be in a committed relationship with a wonderful man and have kids.

OP you are where you are, try to expand your own life a bit, you aren’t going to be able to go back to your early 20’s again. Thats over. But you can still have a happy and fulfilling life going forward. Get a job sorted etc.

you are 30! Normal folks have to work almost another 40 years to draw their pension.

Yo are incredibly wealthy. You can do anything you want. Find something you want to do, retrain. You may have to stick the kids into nursery though.

Having children is a sacrifice. With kindness, I would suggest you focus on being grateful for what you have and make some plans to build on your career too.

These are the best days of your life. Stop comparing your life to other people’s. Comparison really is the thief of joy. You run the risk of looking back at these precious days and wishing you had been fully invested.

Focus on the good qualities your husband has and cherish those. If you need some fun then organise it, meet old friends, make those plans. Make your life as fun as you need to.

You would miss all you have if it was gone. Reframe and see that you actually have it all. Be grateful. It will increase the happiness in your home and life will be bloody perfect. Your cup is already full.

P.S. cutting off/back on social media
always helps improve happiness levels

i was married so someone older than me and the age difference became more apparent as we got older. We had a child as well but I continued to work so a slightly different situation. I’m not sure the age gap is the issue here as much as your lifestyle. I would be bored as a SAHM and would find it lonely. Could you go back to work or join some clubs or groups?

I think you possibly still have some growing up still to do. I know that sounds horrible. But you are responsible for you. I have changed career 2x since my 50s. I now have a new business and big hopes. But both required a lot of learning. One a masters and the other learning a ton about AI.
Your husband isn’t holding you back, your own choices are. Now decide what you are going to do about it. And yes this will probably require retraining.

Marriages are so hard while your children are young and need you for everything.
There is not time for each other and in some ways (at least for me) your children take and need most of the room within you for sacrificial love. Your relationship goes on the back burner for a bit and that’s ok if you’re working towards your shared goal of raising happy children together.

But as your children get older and and need you less for day to day tasks the love you have for your partner has time to flourish again.

Just be careful what you could throw away with no guarantees of greater fulfilment.
And don’t underestimate how much shared memories and having children together and knowing you’re with the person who loves them as much as you do can mean for your relationship together.

Age gaps do become more noticeable as you get older and there’s no way of getting around that but it’s a balancing act - there is no perfect situation.

And you have to look at the life you would have if you left your husband - you can’t go back to your carefree twenties. You have young children, what ever option you go with there will be complications and compromises.

Get a job

Don't be so judgemental about childcare

Get a hobby

I understand OP, being a SAHM even with all the nice stuff wasn’t enough for me either. I thought I’d become really boring and probably a bit baggy to DH because I had been lonely without enough stimulation. And people don’t understand because from the outside, it looks as if you have the perfect life. I would look into a little bit of childcare - a nanny for a few hours a couple of days a week and I’d use that time to spend on yourself - be it that weight you want to lose or start looking at retraining in a different career. When you find yourself a bit more, you realise that the world is a bit bigger and you can start planning your long game. It’s not that you don’t love you children - we all do - it’s just that sometimes we need to find more.