WWYD? Big age gap and no where to turn…

[Abcdefghno]

DH and I have been married for a few years now. There is a 15 year age gap between us. We met a couple of years after I had finished uni.

I had a great life - starting a really great career, living in London, lots of friends. (Would never say this in real life but hell - it’s MN and anonymous so who cares!) I was slim, glamorous and was always able to get any guy I wanted on a date. I met DH who had a fantastic job, great looking and we really hit it off.

We had a great couple of years… lots of holidays, having fun together. I loved that he was older and much more mature than men my own age.

The Covid years hit and we decided to have a baby. We now are married with 2 gorgeous DC.

We moved out of London for DH’s job to a really boring area and I’m a SAHM. We discussed this prior to having kids and I agreed on being a SAHM - neither of us wanted to have kids and stick them in nursery.

However, I’m now early 30s and all I can think about is what could have been. DH is now mid 40s. I see people my age marrying people our age and all of the men that were previously immature all seem to have grown up and are settling down. I notice the age gap between me and DH now, whereas it didn’t seem so big at the start of our relationship.
I had so much potential in my chosen career and I gave it all up. I couldn’t even go back to it anymore as I no longer have the contacts I used to, and I can no longer put in the hours that would be required.

I have a great life with DH. He is a complete workaholic but me and the DC have everything we could ever want and he adores us. We have a lovely house in a ‘good’ area, nice cars, multiple abroad holidays a year etc. but I just feel so unfulfilled. I have no friends other than ‘mum friends’ as we moved away and I’m the only one that’s had kids so we just grew apart. I never got to do the living alone and dating thing really and I really regret that. I see what all of my old friends and university colleagues are up to and I’m so envious of how ‘free’ their lives are.

My DC mean everything to me. I don’t feel comfortable putting them into childcare so I can’t ever work full time really. DH’s work means that he wouldn’t ever be able to regularly help with school drop offs/pick ups etc. This is what we agreed prior to kids. I would never earn even 1/10th of what DH does so it just doesn’t make sense for him to give up work in any capacity.

I’m also now a couple of st heavier and feeling like I wasted all of my glam, skinny years!!!

Not sure what I’m looking for by writing this really. Just any advice or thoughts welcome!

I'm going to be honest, OP, but I think you're in for a rough ride if you're not absolutely crazy about him. The age difference will get bigger as you both age - not literally, obviously, but unless he's extremely healthy and sprightly into old age, there's going to be a serious mismatch.

I agree. It’s not.
I’m 10 years younger than DH. I’m aware, sometimes, that the age gap is there, but it’s certainly not a reason to be unhappy

If working doesn't feel right when the children are young, but you want to be engaged with the world in a different way, how about study? There might be a PT masters, partly online, over 2-3 yrs that would open future career doors.

But I know some very fit 70 year olds….

If she’s early 30s and he’s 15 years older he must be approaching 50. Men go a bit funny around 47 I’ve found. Maybe it’s a drop in testosterone. But regardless it doesn’t sound like he’s a problem. They have just grown stale

@Abcdefghno I had so much potential in my chosen career and I gave it all up. I couldn’t even go back to it anymore as I no longer have the contacts I used to, and I can no longer put in the hours that would be required.

Many people would like to be SAHPs as there really is not much fulfillment to be had in a workplace, except for the small minority of people who get to work on something really interesting and fascinating. My work is just a grind and I would not see it as fulfilling.

I never got to do the living alone and dating thing really and I really regret that. I see what all of my old friends and university colleagues are up to and I’m so envious of how ‘free’ their lives are.

A lot of things you see on TV or on social media aren't really representative of reality. I'm not married, but I never did the 'living alone and dating thing' (I wasn't aware this was a thing) and I am not aware of anyone I knew from school who did this.

I don't think your friends and colleagues are really free, as they will be just be grinding away at work. All I do is grind away at work, and I have nothing outside of that, so to me it's the people who have lots of money and who don't have to work who seem free.

I actually think you would be better off moving back to London. Did something similar and wasted so much.
I hated living in the countryside. I had no friends and I refused to get pregnant till we moved back. I knew if I had children living in that place my life would be over

At least in London it gives you the choice of what you can do.

I think there is a huge difference in experiences between what your dh’s life looks like and what yours looks like.

I will ask you a question that I ended up asking dh something similar. If roles were reversed and you didn’t go to work and had to sit in the house, no matter how beautiful it is, looking after your dc 24/7 would you make that your life or would you want more?

If you are the spouse who goes to work then you view your life very differently to the spouse who stays in the home and isn’t able to go out on their own. It is almost like a gilded cage and sometimes it takes a decision to rip the plaster off and go back to London even if it means a smaller house. Although when we returned we ended up in a bigger place than we could have imagined and we found it was so much cheaper

No good earning £250k per year if you are throwing most of that amount on genetal living expenses and lots of holidays and treats to get away from the place or to make it more bearable.

Like others im not sure id say this is an age thing. Im 33 and my husband is mid 40s and I dont even notice the age difference. We still have passion etc. It may be more a relationship issue op?

Have you tried being grateful?

15 years is nothing. The only difference between 30 and 45, is how much you have left on your mortgage.

You really are scraping the barrel of things to feel bad about.

Your friends might be jealous that you have.2 babies.

Anyway. It’s a very tough time when kids are little. I would try to get through this stage and would think that things will improve.

Plus you will be free of children well before you’re 50.

There does not seem to be a good reason to throw this marriage away and break your family up and I therefore think you would regret it.

This is a shit thing to say. 15 years is a huge age difference. You don't get to decide what people are upset about.

It's the age you guys met, you were too young. I understand because I was 20 when I settled down with my husband. There is 7 years between us. I get what you are going through. Where are your parents? Your family?

Ok, come back and expand a bit on the questions asked, so you can brainstorm your own postings, otherwise we are doing guess work

I’m mid 40s and still in my glam slim years, more than ever. But yes you have a big age gap and I can imagine it will keep feeling bigger.

Having worked extensively with Media types, I would say you are well out of it.

They are vacuous, narcissistic and largely ill educated but will give themselves airs and “big themselves up”
Sadly the public are easily fooled and lap up their drivel. l.
The MSM is a facade. All that glitters is not gold.

Perhaps look further education/study to give yourself a boost in self esteem which may in future provide part time employment options.

Ish. It is because the man cares. Being intimate regularly with my husband just reminds me how utterly repulsed by him I am and how much I never want to have sex with anyone ever again. When we go on holidays with the children and share a suite we don't. It's the only time I get a glimmer of hope that I could actually save the relationship.

What an awful thing to say about your husband. He deserves to divorce you and find someone who is not repulsed by him.

Hi OP.

You could be me. I am 31, DP is 45. We have children together, I work very part time and my DP works full time with a six-figure salary. I could stop working tomorrow if I wanted to, but I don’t, because…

I think you need to find something fulfilling in your life that isn’t just child rearing, and perhaps not be so set on your children not being in any sort of childcare? I have a nanny once a week, on that day I work and also get some free time for myself. It’s also good for my two year old as she gets to socialise with a couple of other kids her age, and they always do fun activities which sometimes I am too tired or have no will for! Childcare doesn’t mean nursery 5 days a week.

I also love my DP and we do lots together, again we have childcare that means we can go on dates, mini breaks, nights away together… these things keep our relationship fresh and exciting. I don’t even think about our age gap, unless I’m winding him up or he brings up an 80s movie 😂

If you don't love your husband OP then it's not fair on either of you to stay married. It's that simple.

I think you risk turning into the sort of person who is never happy with what they've got, OP.

If I were in your shoes I would start listing things I'm grateful for every night before going to sleep (I do this already and it is actually backed by science to improve mood).

I would look at what career I could have moving forwards, either now or in a couple of years time. Maybe see a good career advisor or look at various online uni courses etc.

I would lose weight if it were making me unhappy. Personally, I slowly went from obese to normal weight following the advice in 'the obesity code' by Dr Jason Fung.

I would consider putting my children in child care at least some of the time. While I can understand not wanting to put your very young children in nursery if you don't have to, studies suggest that child care after the age of 3 is actually beneficial. I'd suggest reading this summary: https://criticalscience.medium.com/on-the-science-of-daycare-4d1ab4c2efb4

Then if you've made a bunch of positive changes and you still feel unfulfilled in your marriage, then at least you know it's actually about your marriage and not about something completely different. You could then look to rekindle the relationship (read a couple of the Gottman books, they're great) or decide to divorce.

Whatever your do, don't just while away the years wishing you were your glam 20-something self. Life never stays static and we need to change and grow with it.

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@Abcdefghno You sound very rigid in your attitude, and fretting about a past that can never come back is preventing you from taking any kind of constructive, forward thinking approach. Have you no other interests or any ideas at all which you could develop into something? My Mum worked as a chemist before giving it up the way you did to be a SAHM: when the kids reached 12 and 10 she started thinking about a possible alternative career, then she unintentionally became pregnant with me. She decided to become a local councillor, since that was something she could realistically fit in with my care, was passionate about serving her local community, was environmentally active long before it became fashionable, and she set up a lot of projects in young adult education. She could just possibly have progressed to standing as an MP, but didn't want to. It set a great example for me, and kept her marriage to my Dad on an even keel, since she was less bored and frustrated, and they had plenty to talk about.

I know further education, which used to be the way adults retrained and got back into the job market, isn't what it was, and I don't know what's available near you, but an Open University qualification - certificate, diploma, full degree, even though that takes a lot of discipline and commitment to do, is SO worth it; also a lot of City and Guilds, providing real employable skills, is now online: just look at all the opportunities here. Just start small, something which will take a couple of hours of your day, and build from there.
Vocational Training | Qualifications | City & Guilds

You literally have zero idea of how bad things can be.

You are living the dream.

You can do a masters, bump up your qualifications, reconnect. When the kids are at school you'll have 9-3 each day. There's so much you can do. Look at the good. And now make space for your next stage and project.

Having enough money to stay at home 24/7 does not automatically equal a happy marriage. I speak from experience. Now remarried.

Or what? Ditch him? And what of the kids?

You married an older guy and had kids. You won't have freedom to be 'free' and unattached and find a new genuine match until the kids are older. Or what? Do it now? Go down the gym and find a guy? I don't know. Do what you need to.

You made a choice. But it's easy enough to change. Just will now hurt people.