Overheard my stepson bad-mouthing me to his friends

[cococream]

Yesterday, my stepson and three of his friends were hanging out at our house. They were in the living room, and I was in the hallway on my way to grab something when I overheard one of them say my name. I stopped in my tracks because it was obvious they were talking about me. My stepson specifically wasn’t saying nice things at all. I heard him call me a “Swedish wh*re,” say I’m “only good at being Dad’s toy,” and rant about how I’m with his dad only for the money, that I wrecked my husband’s first marriage, and things of that sort. His friends were laughing and continuing with jokes. Honestly, it shocked me because he’s always been super nice to me and on his best behaviour. He’s 16 and I’ve known him since he was nine. There are only 13 years between us, and I’ve always treated him like a little brother, so I believed we had a good, cool relationship. I didn’t say anything to him or his friends at the time. I waited until my husband was home so we could have a talk together, the three of us. He refused to apologise, saying he won’t apologise for “saying the truth.” My husband and his ex-wife (who he also called) decided to ground him by not allowing his friends over until he apologises. He lives with us full-time but often visits his mum, and she visits frequently too. I’m good friends with my husband’s ex-wife, she’s even invited to all family events. All of my stepson’s “facts” are factually untrue, which is what truly puzzles me. I don’t think the punishment is unreasonable.

School is for learning, not parenting.

There's definitely something wrong with a man in his late 40s starting a relationship with someone in their early 20s whose brain and emotional maturity haven't even fully developed, but that's not the issue here.

There's nothing wrong at all

apart from you dismissing someone in their early 20s and believing brain and emotional maturity haven't even fully developed . You are being ridiculous.

groomer, dirty old man etc, it would still be inappropriate but at least closer to the truth

You are worst than the teen here!

There is something wrong with you. I have seen you on a few threads now minimising some truly horrendous stuff. I think you need help.

I can't be bothered to have this argument, but it's all evidence-based, I'm not making things up. Feel free to research brain development!

Did you know him as a 9 year old before you formed a relationship with his Dad. That's the critical bit about my post. Of course it's not always the case, but generally if you know a non family 9 year old well it's either because you are very close to one of the parents, childhood friends for example, or you are involved in looking after them. At 22 the OP is unlikely to be a childhood friend of a person with a 9 year old. It's just conjecture, but if it's true it changes the dynamics from how you describe your positive step parents relationship.

Once again, it isn't ok to say bad things about anyone. However, he was talking privately to his friends and is allowed an opinion even if his choice of words are offensive.

Instead of grounding and involving the ex the op and her dp should calm down and ask the ds why he is so angry. I know some of you obviously don't talk to your kids but when they lash out like this it's the time to start.

He doesn't need 'grounding' he needs a conversation and chance to say how having his sleazy 54 yr old dad living with a 29yr old makes him feel. Not very good it seems .

That's the crux of it really. His language is disturbing. He doesn't need to be happy with the OP and his dad's relationship (although this should've been dealt with by now as they've been together for quite a while), but most children manage to be angry without making such derogatory remarks.

And it's always women who draw the short straw, not his dad who brought the OP into his life.

Why are you so obsessed with this? And why do you seem to think the OP knew the son before she knew the father? No, not many 22 year olds might know 9 year olds outside their own family but she got to know him once she started a relationship with his father.

I read that to mean she’d been with the father since the child was 9. She was 22, he was a separated father in his 40s, the child was 9.

All when she met the father and child, not that she knew them before.

Having just watched an EastEnders Story line evolve, I would find this concerning and I would be interested to know what he is watching on line.

Friends with mid-teen sons have mentioned some very unpleasant videos and viewpoints.

I would speak to him, and tell him it is absolutely unacceptable to use that language about that anyone, and he does not speak about women in that tone. Full stop.

They’ve been together what sounds like a while, that’s likely not going to change, and I wouldn’t be putting up with being spoken about like that regardless of his frustrations. He’d be told to get some respect and lose the misogynistic language.

There was the Adolescence programme which warned of the consequences of teens getting involved in misogyny. But every excuse is trotted out for this boy and everyone else is to blame.

As a society, it is worth looking at the roots of why children behave in the way they do. This surely gives an insight in to how to help people behave better. What the child said is utterly abhorrent. But he didn’t say it from nowhere. His father when 49 started dating a 22 year old woman. That is bound to have shaped how he is today.

But it ‘should’ revolve around it, because the age gap has shaped how his son will think.

Or we try to become less judgemental about people in age gap relationships and stop using misogynistic tropes about gold diggers and whores. They’ve been together 8 years and it doesn’t sound like the OP is going anywhere.

I don't need help, and I'm not minimising anything. I just don't buy into needless drama.

But thanks for your concern.

I didn't say she must have been the Nanny. But it's the most likely situation by far. It is most likely that she was involved with the family as per the reasons in my post. She knew the son at 9 which was years before she started a relationship with his Dad. How many 22 year olds know a 9 year old well that isn't a family member or a child of a close friend or who they had caring responsibilities for. There is a small chance that a 22 year old from a different country is a close friend of someone in another country who has a 9 year old or who meets a random man with a 9 year old and becomes friends with him and his wife to a stage to get invited to family events a d then the son calls her a gold digger. You think that is the most plausible explanation.

No kidding. There’s little point in having the father talk to him when the father is likely where he’s gotten his misogynistic views from, given the circumstances.

How does a man in his 40s, dating a woman in his 20s justify misogyny?

Why have you decided the father is misogynistic? Based on what evidence?

wtf? Where are you getting the idea that she knew the son before she started a relationship with the dad? The OP has literally never said that. And why would her having been the nanny make it more likely that she’d now be friends with the mum? It’s not actually that uncommon to get on well with your partner’s ex.

So people in their 20s shouldn't be allowed to make their own decisions now?

Shit, there's loads of doctors in my local hospital who are in their 20s.

Most of our armed forces personnel are either teenagers or early 20s!

Shit!

Is someone gonna tell them?

What boundaries is she supposed to have had, exactly?

What would 'Treating him like a step parent" have consisted of, in your view?

Given he's refused to apologise when told to by both of his "real" parents and slagged off his dad's wife in his dad's house it doesn't seem as if it would have made any difference had she taken on more of a parent role.

Where are you getting all this from?

She met her husband when his son was 9 while he was going through divorce. Where did you get they knew each other for years before?

If someone in their 20s has a brain that’s so undeveloped that having a relationship with them is unethical then nobody should be having a relationship with them at all. The age of consent should be 27 or whenever people think the brain is fully formed.
There are people in their early 20s working as doctors, barristers, soldiers, firemen and police officers.