Overheard my stepson bad-mouthing me to his friends

[cococream]

Yesterday, my stepson and three of his friends were hanging out at our house. They were in the living room, and I was in the hallway on my way to grab something when I overheard one of them say my name. I stopped in my tracks because it was obvious they were talking about me. My stepson specifically wasn’t saying nice things at all. I heard him call me a “Swedish wh*re,” say I’m “only good at being Dad’s toy,” and rant about how I’m with his dad only for the money, that I wrecked my husband’s first marriage, and things of that sort. His friends were laughing and continuing with jokes. Honestly, it shocked me because he’s always been super nice to me and on his best behaviour. He’s 16 and I’ve known him since he was nine. There are only 13 years between us, and I’ve always treated him like a little brother, so I believed we had a good, cool relationship. I didn’t say anything to him or his friends at the time. I waited until my husband was home so we could have a talk together, the three of us. He refused to apologise, saying he won’t apologise for “saying the truth.” My husband and his ex-wife (who he also called) decided to ground him by not allowing his friends over until he apologises. He lives with us full-time but often visits his mum, and she visits frequently too. I’m good friends with my husband’s ex-wife, she’s even invited to all family events. All of my stepson’s “facts” are factually untrue, which is what truly puzzles me. I don’t think the punishment is unreasonable.

Maybe his mother, being a sensible and responsible parent, made the decision that he'd be better off with his dad. His equal parent. Perfectly legitimate decision.

She's very present and engaged in an amicable relationship with her ex and his new wife. So present, she was right there when her support was needed, to address her son's worrying behaviour.

You seem to think that it’s impossible for the DH to know anything about respecting women because he has a younger wife? Okay then.

I was just pointing out that some very happy marriages have large age gaps. I also believe that CZJ and her stepson are very close and both have spoken very admiringly about the other. Which is great. I think it’s awful that we have some weird societal expectation that children must hate their stepparents.

I was younger than this boy when my stepfather came into the picture. I have never considered him a replacement for my father.

That's the language of angry adults.

Agreed.

I was 8 with my stepmum (and that was an affair) and 11 with my stepdad.

Still don’t think either of them are replacements.

CZJ has spent many of her best years in a caring role even with millions to support her role.
It wouldn't be a relationship I'd envy.
A 48 year old man dating a 22 year old woman is probably a dream for a lot of men, not really the norm, unless he is financially secure.

After 7 years shes hardly " new"

I didn't see my step parents as replacements more additions

I'm not obsessed. I'm responding to the posts that distort what I wrote and she almost certainly did. He was 47 when she knew his son as a 9 year old. She says that. Not when she started a relationship with the dad.

Sooo just so we’re clear.

• Man and woman separate
• Woman gives up full custody of her son (for various reasons)
• 2nd woman starts relationship with said man a year after his separation
• 2nd woman is somehow in the wrong.

Never ceases to amaze me how it’s always the stepmother’s fault 😂

So how old was the son when she started a relationship with the dad. I've missed that somehow

At 16, he knows better. I echo the Andrew Tate nonsense, sounds like he’s been watching/indoctrinated by some misogynistic bollocks. I’d be horrified at the toy/whore comment. I don’t know how the OP is supposed to get over that, it’s incredibly insulting. Dad needs serious chats with his ds and ds needs a very serious sanction from both parents.

I’m not sure how old you are @Glowingupbut I have been 49. I can assure you there is nothing decent in a 49 year old dating a 22 year old.

No she doesn’t. She says she has known him since he was 9. She also says that his parents were separated for a year before she met and started a relationship with the boys father. Anyone with reasonable intelligence would understand that to mean that she met the boy once she had started a relationship with the dad. Not some weird shit about how she must have been the nanny (because she’s Swedish - how insulting) and that her current good relationship with the boy’s mother can only be because the OP used to be the family nanny (which makes no sense whatsoever).

Where did I say she was in the wrong. No where. Why not read what I posted not what you think I said. I said that it is probable that she was involved in the family before and gave reasons for thinking that. I then said if that was the case then the dynamics between her and the son would be different. That's all I have said. All the other posts were clarifying where my posts were misrepresented. Like you have done.

There are a lot of problems here. This is a frightening attitude for him to have towards women and points to an Andre Tate mindset. Is his dad doing any actual parenting beyond providing an expensive lifestyle? What is the dad's attitude to women given he started a relationship with someone 25 years younger than himself?

There is literally no reason to think she’s a family nanny who had an affair with her married employer and then ran off with him. None.

It’s a wonderful story, but it’s not evidenced.

As if she’d have a good relationship with the mother if she’d been an employee who had an affair with her husband. Completely implausible.

More likely (and accurate) that she met a man, who was older than her, married him and stayed with him. It happens.

I specifically said it was not because she was Swedish. I give up.

This is spot on… he’s never said it to your face so why make such a big deal out of it? People say different things behind each others back and you weren’t supposed to listening so why did you?!

Oh come on! Him and his mates were calling OP a “Swedish wh*re,” “only good at being Dad’s toy,” etc. In OP's house. When they knew full well there was a good chance OP would hear. And then the little brat doubles down and refuses to apologise.

OP is a better person than me because I would've gone full nuclear and kicked them all out. They wouldn't be setting foot in my house ever again.

A 47 year old and a 22 year old got together, even worse. He might have been ok with it when he was a little boy, as he gets older and can work things out, I'm not surprised he's got more upset about it.

PS NOT EXCUSING THE LANGUAGE! Just can understand why he'd be upset.

More upset about who his grown up father chose to be with?

If they’re happy, and their family/household is working well, I think being upset because of someone’s age is a fairly dramatic take tbh.

This forum is bonkers sometimes.

There is a 16 year old boy spouting Andrew Tate based crap and but the whole focus of the thread is the age gap between his dad and step-mum.

Whilst I can accept he might not like that age gap, or feel the step mum might be to blame for his parents separation, it in no way minimises the language or the sentiment behind that language.

Have you all eaten too many Halloween sweets and having sugar highs?

16yr olds often talk crap. Yes his insulting language is unpleasant but 'grounding' him is ridiculous.

Kids lash out and say shit stuff. It's not new news. What the df should do is talk to him, tell him to treat women with respect (that might be a hard sell tbf) and see why he is so angry.

Also, don't eavesdrop.

Actually you can. Smacking is legal in England. And if my son came out with that, better believe I would. Not that he would because he was raised to know better.

So if you overheard a conversation that included "whore" and your name coming out of the mouth of your teenage stepson you wouldn't stop and listen? I call bullshit.

Kids lash out and say shit stuff? He's 16, closer to man than child, and he's an offensive little gobshite. If I'd ever called a woman in my family a whore, I'd have fully expected to have my arse handed to me. And I'd have deserved it!

You'd physically assault a 16yr old? I don't think that would help.