Overheard my stepson bad-mouthing me to his friends

[cococream]

Yesterday, my stepson and three of his friends were hanging out at our house. They were in the living room, and I was in the hallway on my way to grab something when I overheard one of them say my name. I stopped in my tracks because it was obvious they were talking about me. My stepson specifically wasn’t saying nice things at all. I heard him call me a “Swedish wh*re,” say I’m “only good at being Dad’s toy,” and rant about how I’m with his dad only for the money, that I wrecked my husband’s first marriage, and things of that sort. His friends were laughing and continuing with jokes. Honestly, it shocked me because he’s always been super nice to me and on his best behaviour. He’s 16 and I’ve known him since he was nine. There are only 13 years between us, and I’ve always treated him like a little brother, so I believed we had a good, cool relationship. I didn’t say anything to him or his friends at the time. I waited until my husband was home so we could have a talk together, the three of us. He refused to apologise, saying he won’t apologise for “saying the truth.” My husband and his ex-wife (who he also called) decided to ground him by not allowing his friends over until he apologises. He lives with us full-time but often visits his mum, and she visits frequently too. I’m good friends with my husband’s ex-wife, she’s even invited to all family events. All of my stepson’s “facts” are factually untrue, which is what truly puzzles me. I don’t think the punishment is unreasonable.

Agree. If I was OP, the delightful little shit would now be living with his mum.

Maybe he should call his father a cradle snatcher or sugar Daddy.
His language was disgraceful, he has a lot of unresolved issues around his parents separation.
Has he had counselling?

How is a woman who’s just been called a Swedish whore the bad guy here.

Because she’s the second, much younger wife and that fact alone is triggering a number of women posting here.

I think if OP had met her husband when she was 42 and was now 49 a number of comments would look very different.

It doesn’t ’justify’ it. It role models it.

It's concern for others tbh.

Such nonsense.

Maybe they simply met and got on.

Your language reveals why this is triggering to you “poor DM living alone”.

Why do you see her as the “poor DM”? She has dated too.

So his dad paid his mum off to be able to get his son full time? Fucking hell. No wonder he thinks every woman just values money, his mother valued money more than him.

I can't begin to get my head around how fucked up this all is.

I am sure you are consistent and refuse any care from any nurse or medical personnel until they are late 20s because their brain is not fully developed? 😂

How does it “role model” misogyny? This is such a batshit thing to think never mind write on the internet.

Are you arguing that age gap relationships are inherently misogynistic?

Why are you making random shit up?

'I think if OP had met her husband when she was 42 and was now 49 a number of comments would look very different'

Well yes quite you seem to be getting the point.

<Disclaimer insulting language is not ok but it was in private, not said to cause upset. It is time to talk to the ds not 'ground' him>

Why is it so fucked up that the son lives with his dad? People are so wedded to stereotypes aren’t they? If a child lives with their father there must be something deeply wrong as children “should” live with their mum. And yes it’s a large age gap but it’s a lasting relationship as they have been together a long time. What is so fucked up besides the age gap here?

No I don’t get the point of the misogyny and the people supporting it because they thought of a second younger wife triggers them.

It does not matter if he was talking to his friends. Misogyny does not become “ok” if you think you are only speaking to like minded misogynists. His disgusting attitudes towards women as demonstrated by his treatment of his step-mom need to be nipped in the bud.

It’s so backwards.

I have a friend who has a child from a previous relationship and their son lives with the dad full time. The negative comments she gets are wild. Yet we know in the reverse instance nobody would criticise a father for not having his son full time.

He should yes but kids tend to attack the replacement not the parent, it isn't right or fair but it is common.

He clearly has issues I agree but he's been grounded so that'll help. Not.

It’s the same age gap as Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas, who have been married 25 years now. Although CZJ was 28 when they met so maybe her brain had just about fully formed. Hopefully Michael’s son from his previous marriage didn’t refer to her as a whore.

I am not somebody’s replacement. Neither is OP.

I did not replace my partners ex wife, and he hasn’t replaced my ex husband. Mainly because if he was just a replacement for my ex, he’d be in the bin where he’d belong.

No one supports misogyny. No-one supports insults. Shall we keep repeating ourselves?

The point is when a 16yr old behaves badly we need to ask why and having a 54yr old dad hooked up with a 29yr old clearly has caused resentment and issues.

So, rather than fume and 'ground' a conversation needs to be had. Starting with 'you do not call her or anyone a whore' but then moving onto how this setup is affecting him.

Age gap relationships cause young boys to speak about women in deeply abhorrent terms. Good to know ✅️.

Yes but kids see new dps as replacements. People have got to lose the defensiveness and try to see it from the dc's point of view.

The only solution though is for him to get over himself and accept it. There are kids who hate that their parent has a same sex partner, or an older one, or a disabled one or someone of a different race. As long as the new partner doesn’t treat the child badly in any way, I’d expect someone by 16 to accept the situation and treat them with respect. You don’t have the right to dictate your parents’ love life and we shouldn’t try to normalise this idea.

Ah so because some random celebs have got a massive age gap then it's all lovely? Youve no idea what his dc thought.

Anywayyy the op's 54 yr old dp needs to talk to his son about inappropriate language and how to treat women with respect, I'd love to be a fly on the wall for that.

DC’s point of view is absolutely unfounded and incorrect.

Which by 16, he either should have learned or been informed.

It doesn't matter how pp's feel about the age gap, it's a problem for DS for some reason, perhaps it's the sisterly relationship with OP needs to change, who wants old Dad in his eye's having sex with someone who acts like his sister, it's a bit weird. DF/DH could play a fatherly role too towards OP/DS.
Maybe his friends were jeering him and he got defensive about the relationship.
He needs someone to talk too.