To be hurt we are always the Boxing Day/Easter Monday house

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DH and I have been together for 15 years. When we met my son was 22 and his daughter was 18. Now our children are fully grown up, with their own children, my son has 2 gorgeous little boys who are 7 and 4, his daughter has 2 beautiful little girls who are 3 and 5. My DHs daughter’s mum passed away when she was 12.
Now for some reason we have become the Boxing Day/Easter Monday. My son does Christmas Day with his wife’s family and New Year’s Day with his father. DHs daughter does Christmas Day at her in-laws.
I’ve grown quite used to it, we now go out for a meal on Christmas Day, go to church and have a very peaceful day. I then host a lovely but lighter meal for Boxing Day. However I’m a little sad we have become the Boxing Day house by default. I know it’s just a day and just as special, but I do feel like everyone is a little tired, the kids are all a little miserable at being dragged from their new toys and everyone is starting to feel a bit fatigued from socialising.
The same happens at Easter, we see them on Easter Monday when everyone is just a little tired, and often we don’t even see DH’s daughter as they always go on holiday in the Easter holidays and sometimes leave on the Monday.
I’m not really sure how this started and I don’t think we were ever consulted on it which is fine as obviously I’m grateful to see the children whenever it suits. DH doesn’t mind as much, but he’s a very unbothered man in general. I know his DD doesn’t like me but I like to think I’ve been nothing but lovely to her, she is adamant her children call me by my name as I’m not their grandmother which while it hurts I respect. Though I do find this a little annoying as we pay a 1/4 of her children’s school fees and this comes from our joint pot and while I’m happy to do that and don’t expect anything in return it does sometimes make me feel like I’m good enough to take money from but not to spend Christmas with or be called granny. AIBU to be hurt by this? I know it’s probably not worth actually mentioning as that will just cause upset.

It's per family, but please just absorb the fact that the OP is wealthy, and move on. Many, many people my parents' and PIL's age (70-80s) saved a lot of money for their pensions, or benefited from generous final salary schemes.

OP I would be sad too. I don't understand women who prioritise their own mums so much they forget their husband's mums want to be close to their grandchildren too. My PILs were always quite assertive about seeing us regularly, and would establish when that would next be before they left us each time. They wouldn't want to stay more than 3 days, as they felt it led to tensions (even with their DD), but meetings would be every 2-3 months, and they were 5 hours away! They would come up here more (obviously), but we always saw them regularly. My DCs are super close with both sets of grandparents; my DD in particular took the death of my MIL very hard. We always alternated and yes, I felt more comfortable in my own family home and with my mum, but never uncomfortable at my lovely PIL's house, and why shouldn't my DH feel that comfort in his family home too?

I hope you can talk to your DS about how you feel, and get him to reason with his DW.

I think the crucial detail here is ‘we prefer having them all together so the cousins can see each other’. If that’s the case, I don’t think you can expect Christmas Day, as people will have different priorities/ alternating routines on that day which are unlikely to coincide

Have you lost a parent at such a young age that they never got to know you as an adult, and never got to meet your children?

Are you really so small minded that you can’t see how it would hurt to be in the SD’s position? Especially when her and her children are only invited over if her step brother and his children are going to be there.

Really? She lost her mum at 12 and stepmum came along when she was an adult.

For the step daughter OP is her Dad’s new partner, she hasn’t had any “mum” involvement whatsoever. If stepdaughter doesn’t want to call her Granny no doubt due to grieving her mother, then I do think OP should wind her neck in and realise it’s not all about her.

I’d see them on different days as they aren’t really step siblings as they were adults when they met and I’d rather have a lovely day with my son and his family without a stepdaughter that doesn’t like me.

It's just a day!

No, my SIL says he hated travelling on Christmas Day when he was a young child. The SDIL’s family get to spend Christmas morning at home before going to her ILs. This is what most young children want - at home with their new toys.

I think you're trying to do two different things.

Your only child is your son and he is the one you need to speak to. He should alternate Christmas and Boxing day with you. His wife has no grounds to be offended, that is what normal couples do and that is fair. He should also be considering the feelings of his mother (not least as they get £12k a year from you which is like one of them getting an almost £20k payrise).

The situation has been created because you've tried to put two step siblings together as if they are siblings, which they're not. Their kids are not cousins, they're step cousins, if that is even a thing, but it's not a close thing especially as the step children didn't grow up together. They don't need to see each other at Christmas or at all.

As an aside I wouldn't be happy to be second fiddle both to my son and my husband. Who are you the priority of?

We had a step grandfather who we all loved dearly. We 4 cousins were 6,5, 2 and 1 when he and my Nan got married. We all called him my his first name, or daft nicknames. No one ever suggested we called him grandad.
I was 2 and my cousin not quite 1 when my grandad died.

You ve established the traditions for so long already lean into it
Dont be the one to mess it up. You would be the bad guy
Make boxing day nice chilled etc

I think these are very good points. The focus had been on the step-daughter but it’s really the son if anyone who is the solution to this. The SD situation is what it is and could be a lot worse. The DS situation is completely different and should be treated separately not lumped together, that’s only clouding the real issue.

Your only child is your son and he is the one you need to speak to. He should alternate Christmas and Boxing day with you. His wife has no grounds to be offended, that is what normal couples do and that is fair
This just isn't true. There's no 'normal' and frankly, parents should stop expecting their adult children to do this. There's no set way of being 'fair' and once as adults you have your own children, then you prioritise what is best for them - not what your own parents expect.
Sadly mine and DH's parents are mostly dead now so we don't have this but we do have 3 adult children between us. SC and DD and whilst I would love to see them at Christmas, they have their own lives too - so we'll see them when it works for everyone.

Boxing Day and Easter Monday are still good days I think.

My mum died when my children were very young. A friend of a friend became their Nanny. It's just a courtesy title after all.

I also think that there is a sense of entitlement with the school fees. Cut your cloth and all that. Even though I'm not a 'be grateful' person some recognition and appreciation would be appropriate.

I'd move Christmas to another week and go on holiday with the school fees money. Fuck 'em.

Maybe I have a different view. But it sounds like the adult children are all secure enough in their relationships with you that they don’t feel the pressure to come to you on the big day. Because it’s a lot of pressure for families. You’ve got a secure relationship and a routine. Sounds like you raised them happy and secure.

In your shoes if my son wanted to visit on Christmas Eve I would do that
if your stepdaughter visited on Boxing Day I would also do that
I would establish my own special traditions on those days
it’s not on you to try to arrange contact between the two sets of grandchildren- they may be related in a blended family sense but not in any other way and your stepdaughter doesn’t seem to attach very much importance to it
don’t take it personally- it feels like it’s your husband who should feel hurt by his daughter’s responses

Haven't read this all but Boxing Day doesn't have to be second best. DD really enjoyed it growing up with my in laws. It was equally important in our calendar of family things. Less cooking hassle, timings less important meant hosts more relaxed.

What is about CDay that you feel you miss out on?

You don't say how old you and other half are. I would sigh with relief I wasnt expected to provide the 'magical'Christmas or Easter! There is so much pressure to provide a ( extremely expensive) Christmas meal, the children are hyperactive and everyone pretending how everything is great! The best Christmas we had was by ourselves, venison steak for dinner and a quiet snooze - magic! The worst was when we both had flu! How I managed to cook for 12 I have no idea. I simply wanted to tell everyone to p.... off. All the uneaten food sat in the dining for 3 days only to be thrown in the bin. Simply book a holiday or meal at a restaurant, suck up the cost and enjoy no pressure.

You could maybe move coming to you to 27th Dec, giving them Boxing Day to 'recover' from Christmas Day - doesn't address the emotional wanting to have Christmas Day with them but might fix having grumpy people who are Christmassed out.

Agreed!!

Actually that’s really true. We used to have a massive family gathering on Boxing Day too - as my parents also ringfenced Christmas Day (as I do) and tbh we had the best time with cousins / extended family. It was really fun!!

We are always boxing day for son and his family, we don't mind as we can do whatever we like Xmas day.

I would suggest doing Christmas Day next year, all bright and breezy.

That’s a shame you're not allowed to be called Granny / Nanny, I think it would be a nice touch. However it’s something organic, maybe one day the child will call you that through a feeling.

If anyone said that to me, i wouldn’t be going there. Grown adults don’t need to be told what they’re doing and when.

I think these days parents of small children are less likely to prioritise their extended family and more likely to do what suits the children. I get that it must suck for some of the in between generation that drove their kids around on Christmas Day and tried to make the best of getting their kids to sit through meals at awkward times and it's not being reciprocated by their adult kids. Norms change though.

Personally I wouldn't want to drive an hour on Christmas day regardless of how cheerily the idea was proposed to me.