To be hurt we are always the Boxing Day/Easter Monday house

[Nagramama]

DH and I have been together for 15 years. When we met my son was 22 and his daughter was 18. Now our children are fully grown up, with their own children, my son has 2 gorgeous little boys who are 7 and 4, his daughter has 2 beautiful little girls who are 3 and 5. My DHs daughter’s mum passed away when she was 12.
Now for some reason we have become the Boxing Day/Easter Monday. My son does Christmas Day with his wife’s family and New Year’s Day with his father. DHs daughter does Christmas Day at her in-laws.
I’ve grown quite used to it, we now go out for a meal on Christmas Day, go to church and have a very peaceful day. I then host a lovely but lighter meal for Boxing Day. However I’m a little sad we have become the Boxing Day house by default. I know it’s just a day and just as special, but I do feel like everyone is a little tired, the kids are all a little miserable at being dragged from their new toys and everyone is starting to feel a bit fatigued from socialising.
The same happens at Easter, we see them on Easter Monday when everyone is just a little tired, and often we don’t even see DH’s daughter as they always go on holiday in the Easter holidays and sometimes leave on the Monday.
I’m not really sure how this started and I don’t think we were ever consulted on it which is fine as obviously I’m grateful to see the children whenever it suits. DH doesn’t mind as much, but he’s a very unbothered man in general. I know his DD doesn’t like me but I like to think I’ve been nothing but lovely to her, she is adamant her children call me by my name as I’m not their grandmother which while it hurts I respect. Though I do find this a little annoying as we pay a 1/4 of her children’s school fees and this comes from our joint pot and while I’m happy to do that and don’t expect anything in return it does sometimes make me feel like I’m good enough to take money from but not to spend Christmas with or be called granny. AIBU to be hurt by this? I know it’s probably not worth actually mentioning as that will just cause upset.

From what you say, your DH's daughter sounds unpleasant. Why can you not be gran/nan??? And why on EARTH are you (and your DH) paying a quarter of her childrens school fees? And £12,000 a year FFS! We don't pay any bills for our (adult) children, they're grown ups FFS. They pay their own way, like grown ups do. I mean, we buy them gifts, and pay for meals out sometimes, but not their bloody bills!

And whilst they don't have children yet, if they do ever have them, I don't see why we would be paying for their schooling. You and your DH need to stop paying towards his daughter's childrens school fees!

One of my adult DC did Christmas day AND Boxing day at their partner's family's homes (parents, grandparents, auntie,) AND Easter Sunday and Monday!!! They never had time to fit us in. (We live 18 miles away, and all of the partner's family were within 1-2 miles ...So they weren't keen on coming out here as they found it as 'bit much' with having to fit in the partner's family.)

We just saw them The Thursday or Friday before Easter, or 22nd or 23rd December and swapped gifts then. We were always disappointed and hurt that they put the partner's family ahead of us, every year. For the 7 years they were together. We never said anything though. Maybe we should have, but I guess we just accepted it (that we were second choice.) Even if there is a bit of a distance, they could come every 3rd year for example.

They've split now, and they have a different partner, and this year they're coming to us for Christmas day! I'm so pleased!

Hopeully you can get this sorted @Nagramama You need to be firm and say you want them at yours for Christmas day for a change. If they say 'no' (which they probably will!) then don't bother hosting them at all (on Boxing day/Easter Monday etc...) OR as other posters have said, go away on holiday, and to hell with them all.

And withdraw the bloody funding for your stepdaughter's childrens schooling. I mean it wouldn't be so bad if she was a lovely person, and was nice to you, but she sounds quite mean-spirited. As I say, not even allowing you to be called gran or nan.

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If they can do it on Boxing Day, they can do it the day before

You and your DH need to withdraw the funding, and tell them that you want them Christmas Day next year (2026.)

Great plan! Good luck with that.

From what you say, your DH's daughter sounds unpleasant. Why can you not be gran/nan???

Because OP isn't the gran/nan. The DD's mum died. It's completely understandable why she doesn't want her dad's wife, who didn't raise her so isn't even a trad step-mum, to take the name that her mother should have had. Going to war on that issue would be a very bad move. OP has more to lose if what she's actually seeking is quality time with a happy extended family.

I guess that helps it all boil down to - why does what the OP wants take precedence over what the DD wants? And the answer is... it doesn't.

Of course they could. But who wants to drive an hour away on christmas day with little kids?
OP could try offering to go to them though perhaps.

I voted YANBU for being hurt, but I don’t think there’s anything you can or should actually do about it other than make Boxing Day and Easter Monday as lovely as you can. It does sound like it’s not a snub so much as various practicalities. As children get older they’ll be less fussy on the Christmas come down, so it might feel easier to have a nice time.

It sounds like things won't change so you need to accept that it is what it is for Christmas and Easter but maybe try and create a new tradition - maybe a weekend away in the summer - more neutral ground and change to have some time together with no pressure of christmas etc

@Nagramama you know why and the reasons and sound and you also prefer to see the cousins together. And they all make a lot of sense

surely the fact that both are happy to come together (given the ages that they met) and the fact they are happy to facilitate that cousin relationship even though they aren’t says a lot

I think it’s impossible to make everyone happy with a combination of blended families and distance. There are… 5 sets of families in total? So having a tradition of everyone to you on Boxing Day is lovely, though honestly it sounds like a total faff for your stepdaughter. Can you go to them instead? Or can they stay over at yours and you make a big fuss over a sleepover? Instead of competing with food can you do something kids love like make your own pizza or a hot chocolate bar or whatever? Do a Christmas movie and kid sleepover in the lounge? Just thinking of some ideas that will be very different and special with you.

I don’t see how you could expect them to come to you if they can’t get to you easily and you don’t go to church and that’s important to them. And if your son isn’t welcome without your stepdaughter then that leaves them out too.

would they prefer to split up and you could visit each family on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day? Or do you all get together regularly?

for what it’s worth, my mom always had us call my grandmother’s husband by his name as her dad died when she was a teenager. It didn’t affect my relationship with him at all and I named my son after him. So the name is likely more important to you and her and really unimportant to the children. For what it’s worth - my mom did regret it in the end but she was just really sad that her dad missed out on her adult life and it took a while to get past it.

OP how did you spend your xmas’s when your DS was young?

My DH and I made the decision some yrs back to stop alternating between my DM and inlaws and do my own xmas with my kids in our home.

Both DM and DMIL had yrs hosting xmas and did that in their own homes and never went to their own parents/in laws. I dont feel the slightest bit guilty that the GPs dont see us on xmas day. They had their turn! And i will accept gracefully what my DC decide to do when they are adults.

If you don’t want to continue to school fees, don’t. Stop. It’s not linked to Christmas.

I find it very very odd that you feel hurt you’re not grandma. Your DSD’s mother is dead. Her children have a grandma and it tears her up that she never got to hear them call her that.

Talk to your children about it. They probably assume you are ok with it.

From what you say, your DH's daughter sounds unpleasant. Why can you not be gran/nan???

Because she is not her children’s grandmother and the poor woman lost her mum when she was only 12 years old.

A friend of mine lost her mum at 11 and although she does get on with her dads new partner, it would be incredibly painful for her to see her called nan by her children, knowing that should have been her mum. My friend has always talked about her mum with her children and they call her nan. They wouldn’t want to call another woman their nan. Her dads new partner completely understands this and has a lovely relationship with the children.

"DS and his wife are practicing Christian’s now so going to church is massive for them which isn’t something we do"

In your first post you say you and your DH go to church every Xmas Day.

Oh can they? I can’t stand it when people volunteer others time.

I’d’ be upset that your DS doesn’t make you a priority; they could go to church and then spend Christmas day with you every other year. How far away do they live? DH’s DD is his business really; though I’m sorry she doesn’t let her DC call you grandmother, it would be nice for the children. You are definitely NBU to feel upset about missing Christmas Day with everyone; if your DS and DH know how you feel maybe they will take it upon themselves to work something out, without you forcing the issue.

I literally cannot believe someone told you to give your head a wobble about wanting to be called granny. How incredibly rude even if you had just been basically pleasant after all that time I would absolutely have told my children to call you granny. My children grew up with a step-grandfather. Some people are so self centred and rude. Would it really hurt her to allow her children to call you that and let's face it, that's what they would probably call you naturally in this situation so she's going out if her way to stop them. Bereavement or not, that is vindictive.

Why not move your family celebration date completely, by a few days. The kids may be less tired, and if they can’t bring their new toys with them (can they?) they’ll have had a few days to play with them and won’t mind do much.

i can understand why you feel you are seen as second best, but surely you’ve got the best of the deal. Both adult children come to see you and you know where you stand instead of it mewing mix and match every year. Would either of your kids invite you to their parents? Or would you invite the other grandparents?

as for being upset they don’t call you granny, they enjoy being with you or they don’t. I have four grandchildren, I don’t need to be 3rd or 4th grandmother to children that have other families too!

This OP

It is a bit unsettling for you.
Could you speak to your son and ask if he would invite you to share Christmas at his home every three or four years? You could bring a dish that they enjoy.
It would mean attending church and mixing with your DIL family and experiencing their Christmas every few years.
Those years you could visit your DD on Boxing Day.

Your DH could do the same and ask his DD if she would host you every few years.

Possibly your two children do not feel like close siblings and they might feel it is important that their children celebrate with cousins. Do you think that your two kids are close?

Do you have a name that you would like to be called, other than Granny? A name that sounds more like family? Aunt XX, Dear XX, Papa's XX, Grand Old XX, Huggy XX.... You can make up a title. You don't have to put up with being called a name that you find disrespectful.

My DH’s mum met her husband when DH was about 22. He has three step siblings, one of whom he has never even met. Some of them have children and DH would be horrified if they were referred to as our children’s cousins. And we never refer to his step dad as grandad. Because he isn’t their grandad and they aren’t cousins. They are related with no choice by marriage. Do your DS and DSD even get on? Do you spend time with your children away from step parents?

And just add, step dad is lovely, DH prefers him to his mum but that’s another story!

I wouldn’t view it as second best tbh, that’s just how they split the 2 days. We always go to my in laws on Boxing Day - it’s not because we don’t value them, it just became hard to coordinate different siblings / spouses and who was where on Christmas Day. Some people plan way in advance and others don’t. It was also stressful for us. When my dm was alive, she only had me so I couldn’t leave her alone on Christmas Day and my dh understood that. My mil also, thankfully, understood this. My Bil was also in a similar situation. It was then decided that we do Boxing Day at Mils. It saves the worry on the lead up and Mil gets her day with all of her children and grandchildren every year. They do a low key Christmas Day and then we basically have another Christmas Day on Boxing Day. We all get there in the morning, there’s lots of gifts and games. Mil does a Turkey in the afternoon and we all stay until after supper. It’s a long day but it’s great fun. Now my dm isn’t with us any longer, we have a chilled Christmas just us and the dc at home and then off to the in laws for Boxing Day. We certainly don’t view it as they are second best just because we see them on Boxing Day. I don’t understand why you do if you’re getting the whole family together for the day.