To be hurt we are always the Boxing Day/Easter Monday house

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DH and I have been together for 15 years. When we met my son was 22 and his daughter was 18. Now our children are fully grown up, with their own children, my son has 2 gorgeous little boys who are 7 and 4, his daughter has 2 beautiful little girls who are 3 and 5. My DHs daughter’s mum passed away when she was 12.
Now for some reason we have become the Boxing Day/Easter Monday. My son does Christmas Day with his wife’s family and New Year’s Day with his father. DHs daughter does Christmas Day at her in-laws.
I’ve grown quite used to it, we now go out for a meal on Christmas Day, go to church and have a very peaceful day. I then host a lovely but lighter meal for Boxing Day. However I’m a little sad we have become the Boxing Day house by default. I know it’s just a day and just as special, but I do feel like everyone is a little tired, the kids are all a little miserable at being dragged from their new toys and everyone is starting to feel a bit fatigued from socialising.
The same happens at Easter, we see them on Easter Monday when everyone is just a little tired, and often we don’t even see DH’s daughter as they always go on holiday in the Easter holidays and sometimes leave on the Monday.
I’m not really sure how this started and I don’t think we were ever consulted on it which is fine as obviously I’m grateful to see the children whenever it suits. DH doesn’t mind as much, but he’s a very unbothered man in general. I know his DD doesn’t like me but I like to think I’ve been nothing but lovely to her, she is adamant her children call me by my name as I’m not their grandmother which while it hurts I respect. Though I do find this a little annoying as we pay a 1/4 of her children’s school fees and this comes from our joint pot and while I’m happy to do that and don’t expect anything in return it does sometimes make me feel like I’m good enough to take money from but not to spend Christmas with or be called granny. AIBU to be hurt by this? I know it’s probably not worth actually mentioning as that will just cause upset.

I think people are fixating on the money you give them. You just used that as an example. I believe you have, like I do, joint money. This means even if your husband paid for it, it makes no difference as it’s both your money.
It’s a real shame life has evolved the way it has. It is much easier for your SD to bond with her MIL than you as she isn’t where her mum would have been if she was alive.
your son connects more with a religious family which as you say is understandable but again, hurts.
You sound lovely. You understand but feel sad at the same time. It’s not how you imagined life and you are coming to terms with how it is. Big hug OP. I’d feel really sad too

I agree that you should try to invite your ds and his family on Christmas day every other year, or whatever seems fair.

So, some years you'd see your ds on Christmas day, your sd on Boxing day. Other years you'd see everyone on Boxing day.
Re the "cousins" getting together, you could do this at another time.

I think the current set-up suits primarily your sd. I think the logistics are a part of it, but if her dm hadn't died I do think she and her family would be making the trek out of London to spend Christmas with her parents every other year. I also lost my mother young so understand how hard it must be for her.
I think your DH realises this. I think it would be hard for him to have your ds on Christmas day as it would remind him that his daughter prefers to stay away.

Do you actually talk about this with your dh? Does he talk about things with hus daughter? I get the impression that there are things left unsaid because they are painful and you don't want to hurt anyone.

Out of interest, what was the set-up before your ds and sd got married? Once they were married but before they had children?

DH and I are second tier family at Christmas. It doesn't seem to bother him that DSS only seem to get in touch when they want something. Last Christmas I spent all day beforehand preparing food that I had spent a fortune on and TBH, they made it pretty clear that they didn't really want to be with us. I'm not doing that again and am leaving the Christmas arrangements to DH.

The bit you're being unreasonable about IMO is emphasising in your OP that the money you give your DSD comes from a joint pot. That's misleading, isn't it, because you later tell us that your DS gets the same from the joint pot. So it wouldn't make any difference if you and DH paid it from separate pots - you would still be contributing the same amount.

Leaving that aside and focusing on the Christmas thing. DH and I see my parents and his on alternate years, so I do understand why you have that expectation and I agree with you that's the fairest way. My brother however always spends it with his in laws, otherwise his wife would be upset, so I also know that all families have their own ways of doing it. Your post explaining about the cabs / distance etc does make a lot of sense.

That was a long winded way of saying: I think YANBU to feel a bit upset but probably best just to accept it and try to make Boxing Day a lovely day for you all.

Totally agree with this. I have a much stronger bond with my MIL than I do with my step-mum for exactly that reason.

YANBU to be hurt about this but if you want to be involved in your DGCs lives then fighting over special days is the quickest way to lose that involvement.

It is hard to feel second-best, but as other PPs have said, they probably don’t intend that and most likely don’t realise how resentful you have become about the arrangements.

I now from my own experience life can turn on a sixpence and while it feels like these arrangements are set forever, the reality is they won’t be. Instead of focusing on Christmas and Easter, look at other ways you can enjoy time with your family. Having DGCs during school holidays, or booking a special event (with loads of notice) to celebrate special days such as milestone birthdays of you and your DH. And wise advice from other PPs about making sure you are gently keeping in touch. Text messages on important days for the DGCs, flowers on birthdays, perhaps even old fashioned letters. All of these show you are thinking of them through the year.

One last thing. In your mind, please separate out the paying fees aspect. I’m sure you mean it as a gift and the best gifts come without conditions. If you are very wealthy (and I suspect you may be) this is a great way to pass on wealth to the next generation.

It could be as simple as them not wanting the kids to miss out on two hours of Christmas day through travelling. My mum lives an hour away and I always see her on Christmas eve rather than Christmas day. I just don't want to travel anywhere I can't use a taxi on Christmas. I like to have a couple of glasses of wine with Christmas dinner. My son hates being in the car. The offer is always open for her to pop over on Christmas day when we're home though.

I think you're lucky they do the day after regularly to be honest. A drive with kids isn't very merry. Why don't you go to them?

I would absolutely love to be the Boxing Day House or the Easter Monday house, we are the after thought house, a quick drop in a week or so before Christmas to collect presents, FaceTime on the day with dil's family all there, as they are on Boxing Day and for New Year....... We are the "holiday dog care" house, it's bloody hard especially as by the time next Christmas rolls around I will be a granny. I am desperately trying to set my expectations but it isn't easy.

I actually think you've got a pretty good deal if it's every boxing day and you get them all together. Ok every other Christmas day would be fairer but maybe less practical, and your son has 3 households to consider, so how would that work? Plenty of young families on here have Christmas just themselves, or do every other year with family and don't see the other side at all those years. In my family adult siblings never spend Christmas together anymore because we are both on opposite 'every other years' to each other to ensure parents see someone each year (and because travelling involved in some cases that usually includes boxing day as well). So I can see the benefits of doing it your way instead if you want a big get together.

For Easter, it isn't even a big family get together for all families in the same way Christmas is. We do every other year with parents at Christmas but it's never occured to us to have a similar set up at easter, we just treat it like any other bank holiday and do what is convenient that year, often not seeing any family.

Your DS's dad has a much worse deal than you if he doesn't see his son and grandchildren until new years day every single year.

Your children were already adults when you got together, so you can't expect them to see you as parental figures, and it's very insensitive to suggest you sdil's children should call you granny. My dh has done his best to accept his mum's new partner after his dad's death, but I know he would never, ever see him as the kid's grandparent or want them to call him grandad. Ok your son doesn't mind, but he hasn't lost a parent.

Talking of my in laws, they actually don't usually spend Christmas day together, because they each go and visit their own grandchildren. They celebrate together another time. Would that be an option if you really want Christmas day?

If you want to change it, talk to your son and focus on what you are doing with him. Leave arrangements with your step daughter to dh, who sounds happy as things are.

Rather than edit my post again, I want to make it clear that it seems that the pecking order in who the current set-up seems to be:

Your sd
Your dh
Your son
You

If you were to have your ds and his family on Christmas day it would be:

You
Your ds
Your dh
Not sure where sd would fit in. Would she even care? Would she feel bad tgat her df is spending the day with your dgs?

Grandchildren are not pay-per-view. It's distasteful to mention the financial contribution alongside the visiting arrangements.

Also boxing day is 100% the best day in my opinion! I absolutely refuse to go anywhere on boxing day!

Nah I’d be livid if I was forking out that amount of money for someone who couldn’t hide their disdain for me. If you’re taking that much cash in handouts you bite your tongue and treat the recipient like a queen. Unless you’re a spoilt brat of course, which it sounds like the daughter is. Hopefully her daughters do see you as their grandma as well.

Christmas causes so much angst doesn't it.

OP, I was the DIL travelling 4 hours, down to London for years on Xmas day to see a MIL who treated her son and grandchildren like royalty and me with contempt.

With hindsight I wish I had the courage to stand up for myself and say that Christmas was going to be with my own parents (30mins away), but it was easier to take the path of least resistance and she would have made my life hell all year, whilst my own lovely Mum and Dad would never have put any pressure on me.
It didn't mean that I loved her more, in fact I was terrified of her and hated being in her company.

With our own adult DC, DH and I have stressed that it's just one day, it's what happens the rest of the year that counts. There is no expectation that they are to visit us over the Xmas period at all. If they want to go off skiing (with or without their in-laws) that is absolutely fine with us.

They are seeing you on boxing day! That's a big day. Keep it light and fun, maybe book a panto or a trip to the zoo or something.

With kindness OP, you’re looking at this in a really negative way. Turn it around - on Boxing Day you get to have both children and grandchildren together. They’re not really ‘cousins’ if they have different parents, but they choose to come and make a new family with you. How joyous.

And you get to have a special Christmas Day with DH who prefers to eat out which wouldn’t work with DGC. It sounds like the perfect calm Christmas to me who is still the default to have DCs, DGCs and the occasional random lonely relative on Christmas Day. But rather than looking at what I don’t have, I enjoy what I do have and that’s the key here.

I never called my Mum’s stepdad my grandad - it would have been disrespectful to her own dad and she didn’t want it, so I’d give up on the Granny naming. That’s her way of remembering her mum.

Is the OP's DS also a spoilt brat then @Glowingup? Because he also receives the same amount from his step dad and also never prioritises him on Christmas Day.

I understand the practicalities of the day and why they prefer to stay closer to home…but I also understand why it’s hurtful.
Why not suggest spending christmas in one of their homes, with you and your husband travelling to them?

It’s not the visiting on certain days - it’s the making her dislike of the OP clear while taking her money to pay for ridiculously expensive education for her kids. So no the son doesn’t sound like a spoilt brat from what OP says.
Don’t like your step-parents? Cool but don’t take their money then.

Hmmm this is why I’ve never fallen into the trap of we’ll do alternate years with various family/ in laws / parents etc etc. Way too stressful. We ringfence the day itself so noone sees us then arrange to see family around the festive period depending on everyone’s schedule. Also now have a 4yr old and he would definitely be at home in his own bed with his own toys etc over Christmas Eve/ Day / Boxing Day.

if I were you I’d be getting on with being joyful that they’re there on Boxing Day/ Easter Monday and just enjoy the time you have with them.

re fees - sounds as though that’s a thorn in the side - how did you end up paying 2k/month for this? DS is at a fee paying school too and none of his grandparents pay towards this (nor do I expect them to)! Our decision and we pay.

OP you sound like a lovely and very understanding mum/step mum/MIL.

i think the Christmas one you might just need to accept the way it is for now and it seems like they have sensible and logistically reasons why it’s better for them like that even if it’s hard for you.

perhaps you could offer for the Easter one they they come to you first on Good Friday? Don’t say most family’s alternate as even though that’s true it could come across as guilty tripping I would just message them now so they have plenty of notice saying you would love to host everyone for Good Friday next year and please save the date.

Yes this is how we did it and how my parents did it. No one wants to be travelling on Christmas, some people seem to forget what it’s like having young children. Thankfully not my parents!

My mum was always the Boxing Day rather than the Xmas day, I felt like she preferred it that way (more relaxed) and never thought to ask if she wanted different. However we always did Easter at hers. Could you ask to host one?

Our families always alternate. So one year christmas day will be with ny parents next year will be with inlaws. Makes it fair all round. Works with my brother and sisters inlaws too. Dont know why its not more common tbh. But either way each family is different so whatever works.

I understand why your DS and DIL don't want to travel so far on Christmas Day. I do think they could compromise a little on Christmas Eve, even if it's just your son bringing the kids over for a few hours and DIL stays home if she doesn't want to come. Alternatively, invite them over early December and go for a meal, get the kids to help decorate the house for Christmas.

I default ended up going to MIL's each year for Christmas Day because it meant a lot to her. My Mum was of the opinion that once your kids are grown up they should have their own traditions and never expected us to spend it with her. We started the traditional of going over NYD instead as that's the day we always used to have family over for lunch when I was a kid.