To be hurt we are always the Boxing Day/Easter Monday house

[Nagramama]

DH and I have been together for 15 years. When we met my son was 22 and his daughter was 18. Now our children are fully grown up, with their own children, my son has 2 gorgeous little boys who are 7 and 4, his daughter has 2 beautiful little girls who are 3 and 5. My DHs daughter’s mum passed away when she was 12.
Now for some reason we have become the Boxing Day/Easter Monday. My son does Christmas Day with his wife’s family and New Year’s Day with his father. DHs daughter does Christmas Day at her in-laws.
I’ve grown quite used to it, we now go out for a meal on Christmas Day, go to church and have a very peaceful day. I then host a lovely but lighter meal for Boxing Day. However I’m a little sad we have become the Boxing Day house by default. I know it’s just a day and just as special, but I do feel like everyone is a little tired, the kids are all a little miserable at being dragged from their new toys and everyone is starting to feel a bit fatigued from socialising.
The same happens at Easter, we see them on Easter Monday when everyone is just a little tired, and often we don’t even see DH’s daughter as they always go on holiday in the Easter holidays and sometimes leave on the Monday.
I’m not really sure how this started and I don’t think we were ever consulted on it which is fine as obviously I’m grateful to see the children whenever it suits. DH doesn’t mind as much, but he’s a very unbothered man in general. I know his DD doesn’t like me but I like to think I’ve been nothing but lovely to her, she is adamant her children call me by my name as I’m not their grandmother which while it hurts I respect. Though I do find this a little annoying as we pay a 1/4 of her children’s school fees and this comes from our joint pot and while I’m happy to do that and don’t expect anything in return it does sometimes make me feel like I’m good enough to take money from but not to spend Christmas with or be called granny. AIBU to be hurt by this? I know it’s probably not worth actually mentioning as that will just cause upset.

If everyone is a bit jaded on Boxing Day, why not move the get together to a different day? My mother’s insistence that we spent either Christmas Day or Boxing Day with her after she divorced my dad turned Christmas into an exhausting farce. Consequently I have shut the door firmly on the whole thing and don’t bother with it at all.

You’ve noticed that your son and step daughter are bringing tired children to you on Boxing Day so why don’t you suggest a different date when everyone will appreciate it more?

Enjoy Christmas with your husband and friends and see family on a different day.

The maths logic is pretty simple - the DD is getting the money from her dad. The DS is getting the same from his mum. It's from a joint point but as it's equal amounts going from OP and her DH to each of their kids, then it's not hard to logic that as the DD's handout coming from her dad and the DS's from his mum. So there's no need for the DD to fake it as much as you would for the money. It doesn't sound like she's unpleasant to OP though, just that she can't have the kind of relationship that OP would like, which is understandable.

"Uh, no thanks dad's wife, we'll stick with the plans that are working for us, DC and in-laws and see you on Boxing Day. If that's too much trouble, no problem, we'll see my dad when he wants and you can do your own thing with DS. Bye!"

It sounds as though it’s become a tradition and it just works for everyone so why change it.

The other parents may have other children or traditions where if they tried changing things it would be much more difficult then swapping days.

I do get what you’re saying but I personally prefer Boxing Day and although you can say to them you’re happy to host Xmas day, I would be happy to have the Boxing Day.

I find Xmas day can be a bit stressful/emotional. The kids are tired because they’ve barely slept with the excitement and then it’s disappointing when it’s all over to them. Mum and dad are often shattered too. But Boxing Day is all the fun but so much more relaxed. It’s nice because the grandkids are just focusing on the presents you’ve bought them and not everyone else’s.

I see this differently. You are the Boxing day/Easter Monday house. They want to come to you, enjoy it and embrace it. Doesn't matter that it's not Christmas day, it matters that they want to come. Stop worrying about what day it is and enjoy x

Yes I also meant to say it’s probably easier for the DSD to have a relationship with her MIL - there is no history , probably no badgering to make the relationship more than DSD wants it to be and easier to strike up a developing intimacy. It could just be that MIL is more DSDs type of person than OP and she shouldn’t be punished for that.

No way.

It’s ok to offer to host but you don’t tell grown adults where they’re going for Christmas or any other day.

They are not cousins though. Maybe your SD (& her children) would like to see her Dad without your son and his family being there ? Just something to take on board OP. Also, depends on how finances are arranged in my opinion. It could be that those school fees are being paid out of a joint marital pot, yes, but you don’t say whether your DH was already a wealthy man when you got together ? Maybe your finances going into the marriage were not comparable? Maybe some of the money that’s going to your SD (for school fees) was money that came from her mum’s life insurance? Not meaning to be rude here OP, just trying to see things from different perspectives.
IMO, it would be my DS, his wife and my own grandchildren, I’d be putting all my effort and love into and leave your SD to her Dad to manage that relationship. I couldn’t get worked up over your SD’s children calling you your actual name. That’s as it should be imo. I find it more odd that your own grandchildren calling your DH ‘grandad’; your ex-h/p is their grandfather. You don’t say anything about him, maybe he’s not a part of their lives?

Chuck it back. Christmas Eve with darling son, and if DSD can’t do that can you come to them on Boxing Day… see if she’s willing to host for the benefit of the kids

im more interested in school fees.

Do you pay sons kids fees? Do DSD in-laws also contribute a quarter?

Honestly, people come where it’s fun and warm and happy. This sounds like you have a house that’s filled with resentment and point scoring. You also have a lot of criticism of your stepdaughter for not coming and the money you have offered her, but less for your son who also doesn’t visit and takes your money too (even when he has children in state school).

Children, even adult ones, go where they feel loved and welcomed. Dh has 4 aunties (plus his mum, there’s 5 sisters with their children and grandchildren). A lot of the children go to one particular aunt and uncle often for Christmas and not their own families. It’s because home life wasn’t super happy for them growing up and they aren’t particularly warmly welcomed back now. There’s a lot of criticism and passive aggressiveness and just no one is really that happy that they visit. But the other aunt is fun and warm and always looks out for everyone and is no drama. Everyone feels welcome and happy in their home, not like it’s an obligation.

We haven’t been to MIL’s for Christmas (or Boxing Day or Easter) in at least 10 years. Nor has BIL. We haven’t been invited frankly, but no one would be especially thrilled to go because it’s heavy, not fun and happy, to visit. That’s something to genuinely consider. It’s not a criticism. It’s just reality.

You still have them in your life, they still come and spend time with you and you should treasure that. It’s just a day. Also the school fees shouldn’t be “transactional”.

I'm confused. Do you only see the families twice a year, around the big holidays?

You can't just make demands of adults like that.

Side note/ off topic but 2 grand a term in y1 which is only 25% of the fee?? so they are paying 24 thousand pounds per child, per year!? Is that.. normal?? What on earth does it cost by GCSE/ A level years??? (Sorry, I don't know anything about private school fees)

I’d separate off both issues and I say this from experience. Stop offering to host Boxing Day and relieve your disappointment, and take away their option of fitting you in on that day.

We were the Boxing Day house for a few years but I too got tired of hosting (while hungover) to a house full of people who understandably would probably rather be at home watching The Sound of Music!

If the fact that you have the tired bunch on Boxing Day bothers you, bring it to an end. Organise a different festive event maybe based around the grandchildren. We’ve done a train ride to see Santa, a posh Christmas lunch in a nice hotel. Something in the run up to Christmas.

Over the years we kept doing our own thing on Christmas Day, much the same as you, we go out for Christmas dinner, just our own thing without the half hearted participation of others. Interestingly, this year our eldest called to see if they could come with us on Christmas Day. It finally occurred to them that they had never spent the day with us and thought it would be nice. It’s been a long time waiting for the thought to occur to them but I’m glad it did. Even if it hadn’t I’m happier having not wasted the last few years playing second fiddle to everyone else.

You don't have it so bad really. You spend an important festival day with your family regularly. But are feeling a bit sad because you're not the preferred host for Christmas (despite explaining the very very good reasons why they prefer to go elsewhere)
Blended families are all about compromise.
Personally I didn't like spending Christmas with my in laws, so we usually went to them on Boxing Day - like your situation. I preferred spending it at my house, with my Mum.
My SC spent Christmas Eve and most of Christmas Day with their Mum.
This worked better for most people and especially the children.
I think you're allowed to feel a bit sad and resentful that you're denied the 'other' part of Christmas, but essentially Christmas is what you make it. Being the Boxing Day host is pretty sweet too.
In your shoes, I'd have a bit of a moan, somewhere safe like MN and then try and make peace with it. Your SD has her own issues and reasons. The kids will be bigger before you know it. Enjoy what you have.

I agree. They didn't meet until they were 22 and 18, they probably do not consider themselves siblings and they don't consider their children cousins. Do they ever meet up outside of events you organise? If not there's your answer. This is all about what OP wishes people felt that they don't.

If you want your DS to come on Christmas Day would you be prepared to go to church and still see your DSD on Boxing Day?

I think you have to meet half way, and I wouldn’t prioritise the relationship between cousins ahead of yours with your DS.

You can’t change your sd opinion that’s a separate matter. I think it’s crazy you are paying so much money to both children as adults but that’s not the issue. I would work on your son. This Christmas mention them both coming to you next Christmas. You can only ask op and work on building that relationship if necessary.

😯let's all rush over to @Soontobe60's for Christmas?

Completely agree. Honestly @Nagramama I would book a lovely holiday for you and DH every Christmas and Easter and leave the lot of them to it ungrateful buggers.

Have you offered to visit them, rather than them visiting you?

When our kids were small (ie under 12), it was always the grandparents travelling rather than dragging the kids away from their toys, rooms and familiar environment. Far easier, less people to move, less drama and fewer people out of their home (plus only an extra two guests for the host, rather than 4 the other way round).

With small kids, we never travelled for Christmas; it was just too disruptive and no fun for anyone. We chose always to make sure that the kids had as relaxing a time as possible, it’s all so full on at Christmas, being away from home is just an added unnecessary stress.

I also like @Heretone ’s suggestions as an alternative to going off on holiday OP.

Actually OP, as blended families go, you aren't doing too badly. Just remember that life is fluid and things change. Who knows what you Christmas will look like in 5 or even less years time. Is there any possibility to you could join with your son's in laws Christmas Day? We've done this in our family before? It actually worked out well when children were younger and meant the older generation got to socialise with people of their generation too.

As a PP said, we don't know the actual financial set-up and how much of it is the OP's money or her dad's or indeed from her mum's original estate/insurance. For OP, it's joint point for her marriage but that's irrelevant to DD who was grown up by the time OP came into her life and has her own dynamic with her dad. The kind of sums they're talking about for school sounds like this is a wealthy family and the world she's grown up in, so it's fair to assume she'd have got this money whether OP was on the scene or not. The last thing OP should do is be the wife getting in the way of that. Unless it's OP who brought all the money with her, then I don't see that DD has to make being grateful for GC's school fee donation the top priority for her Christmas and Easter plans. They're not being 'ungrateful buggers' anyway. They're doing every Boxing Day, which is a nice family thing.