To be hurt we are always the Boxing Day/Easter Monday house

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DH and I have been together for 15 years. When we met my son was 22 and his daughter was 18. Now our children are fully grown up, with their own children, my son has 2 gorgeous little boys who are 7 and 4, his daughter has 2 beautiful little girls who are 3 and 5. My DHs daughter’s mum passed away when she was 12.
Now for some reason we have become the Boxing Day/Easter Monday. My son does Christmas Day with his wife’s family and New Year’s Day with his father. DHs daughter does Christmas Day at her in-laws.
I’ve grown quite used to it, we now go out for a meal on Christmas Day, go to church and have a very peaceful day. I then host a lovely but lighter meal for Boxing Day. However I’m a little sad we have become the Boxing Day house by default. I know it’s just a day and just as special, but I do feel like everyone is a little tired, the kids are all a little miserable at being dragged from their new toys and everyone is starting to feel a bit fatigued from socialising.
The same happens at Easter, we see them on Easter Monday when everyone is just a little tired, and often we don’t even see DH’s daughter as they always go on holiday in the Easter holidays and sometimes leave on the Monday.
I’m not really sure how this started and I don’t think we were ever consulted on it which is fine as obviously I’m grateful to see the children whenever it suits. DH doesn’t mind as much, but he’s a very unbothered man in general. I know his DD doesn’t like me but I like to think I’ve been nothing but lovely to her, she is adamant her children call me by my name as I’m not their grandmother which while it hurts I respect. Though I do find this a little annoying as we pay a 1/4 of her children’s school fees and this comes from our joint pot and while I’m happy to do that and don’t expect anything in return it does sometimes make me feel like I’m good enough to take money from but not to spend Christmas with or be called granny. AIBU to be hurt by this? I know it’s probably not worth actually mentioning as that will just cause upset.

As upsetting as it might be, their reasons are very valid. I honestly wouldn't bring it up, coming from someone who always feels guilt around exactly this type of situation every Christmas, its slowly killing my love for Christmas having to weigh up which in laws would be more understanding/ less upset while also travelling really far with young kids. Its so draining, and also ridiculous as its just a day. Your feelings are of course valid but by bringing it up you may cause unnecessary guilt or awkwardness. If I were you id focus on making boxing day special, maybe some new traditions, board games etc, special dessert? As others have said, it sounds like your house has become the go to for relaxing after a stressful few days, which is lovely.

Genuine question, you’ve stated that you want both together and your son won’t budge from his plans either, so why is the problem being made to be all about your daughter?

It’s hard for adult kids when they have 3 or 4 families to see. Really it would be easier if they hosted (assuming they had space/money to) .
We also have a complicated set up as I’m divorced from DDs dad and married to DS dad. Exh is remarried too.
my DDs don’t have kids yet but do have partners. We always do Xmas eve at my in-laws (not DDs grandparents) and DDs and their bfs come too.
xmas morning is at ours as ds still believes, everyone comes.
Eldest dd and her bf then go to her bf familyfor Xmas dinner and Boxing Day.
younger dd does Xmas day with us and goes to her bf and his family for Boxing Day.
my dad and sister come for Xmas day.
we (me dh and ds) go to in-laws for Boxing Day.
DDs see their dad and paternal grandparents between Xmas and new year.
We all spend New Year’s Eve together.

At the minute we tend to dictate a bit more as DS is younger but I have said when they have kids we will work around them. As Xmas should be about the kids.

id definitely stick to Boxing Day it’s still a important part of Xmas. Is Easter a big deal? We don’t do anything specific for Easter except buy Easter eggs!

The money is partially to help with IHT. £3000 pa is standard as is paying fees. Football and swimming and after school
is a lot at £6000 though. The private school is good value for money as a contribution.

I have grown up dc (no grandchildren yet) but they make decisions on where they want to be. Not here? That’s ok. I don’t feel they owe us their presence.

OP your step daughter probably feels her Mum should have been called Grandma. I'd leave that well alone in your shoes and be happy the DC call you by your name. In the end I doesn't matter what they call you because you are still the one making memories with them. I'd just embrace Boxing day and Easter Monday and make them so much fun the DC really looks forward to coming to you. I don't seey DD on Xmas day or Boxing day. I host Early Xmas which is a date first weekend of December I host each year and it is our Xmas day with DD, SiL and dgs's. I make a stocking for them all and we exchange gifts. I cook a full turkey dinner. On the Friday evening we take the DC ice skating and hot chocolate with marshmallows afterwards. On the Saturday morning I take them to a paint a pot place where we all paint Xmas decorations and they get fired so I call back 2 weeks later to collect them. Then we come back and I put on a Xmas movie for DC whilst I finalise the roast dinner. After Xmas dinner we go for a walk around the lake with our dogs and they wear their Xmas coats which the DGC love to put them in and hold their leads. When we get back we exchange gifts and dgs's open stockings. Then I let them help me to decorate the tree which is all ready with lights on just waiting for the decorations. In the evening I take them out around our cup des sac to see the Xmas lights because for some reason it looks like Santa's grotto with so many Xmas lights. One house is loaded with lights. We have some dessert and I put out some Xmas crafting do or DGS's to do which they can take away with them as I know my exh will have nothing organised for them to do at his house then DD, SiL and dgs's leave to visit my exh before they travel back home on the Sunday after lunch. Both my DD and my 2 dgs's have told me it's their favourite Xmas thing to do to visit me. My advice is make the best of what you have. So many people have much less. Some GP won't see their their DGC all over Xmas at all. My DGC always ring me for a WhatsApp video call on Xmas morning to tell me what Santa has brought them. My DS's 1 see every other Xmas day and ds2 I'm lucky enough to see every day but I would never pressure any of them and I leave it to them to decide what they want to do and if I don't get Xmas day I offer an alternative day and always make it such fun they want to come back. I honestly would advise you to do the same.

I know it grates but you are not granny because that title belongs to her late mum, grief from the past can become very acute after having dc.

if you want to rock the boat I’d suggest pushing for Easter not Christmas, but why does it matter? Many people don’t see their grandkids on either day

If you are Christian Easter is a more important festival than Christmas

I definitely wouldn't rock the boat, although I completely understand how you feel. I'd just make a point of doing something extra special on Christmas Day yourselves - push the boat out a bit more.

She’s not actually taking any money off of the OP. Her and her husband have joint finances, her and her husband both have their own children/grandchildren, her and her husband both give the grandchildren the same amount of money. It really makes no difference if they each paid from separate accounts, the outgoing would still be the same.

Didn’t you say in your OP that you go to Church on Christmas Day? You’re contradicting yourself

There's so many older people who want control because of the money they give.

Well, that's easily solved then. Don't accept the money.

I get what you are saying as you feel second choice. We host DHs adult children/gran children on Boxing Day and have done since they were children. DH would love to have them on Xmas day but they prefer to go their own mum’s as its 5 mins down road and what they have always done.

So instead, we have made Boxing Day as big a day as Xmas for them, we do cocktails, full dinner with fancy starters, (a beef wellington or fillet), desserts, cheese board, board games and just means two full on days hosting for us as we tend to host our elderly parents and various siblings on Xmas day. I don’t mind and the DSC and grandchildren look forward to Boxing Day and see it as a really special day and something to look forward to after Xmas.

Maybe just re-frame how you think about Boxing Day and use it as your special day.

I hope you see them more often that just Boxing Day & Easter Monday

You’re very kind to give them all that much money.

To me, your Boxing Day/ Easter Monday sounds lovely and I might enjoy the quiet Christmas. But the issue is that you personally don’t, and that’s valid.

I can’t see why they have to come together though? I think having your son on Christmas Eve would be nice, and then his dd can come on Boxing day. Maybe not every year but sometimes.

Not sure if it will help but from a grandchild point of view.. growing up, we did Christmas day at my paternal grandmother's with that side of the family which was local to us and was great. We then did boxing day with my maternal grandmother and mums stepdad and my mums side of the family. My sister and I got to see all of our cousins, got presents from my mums side on boxing day and had a 2nd Christmas dinner plus we would play games etc.

My sister and I loved that we got 2 Christmases essentially, 2 lots of dinner and 2 lots of presents. My maternal grandparents would do Christmas with my mums stepsister's family as they lived round the corner. Or they would have a relaxing day to themselves and get all of the "merry christmas" phone calls before the chaos the next day with 25ish people descending on their home 😂

I know all of the parents really appreciated that my grandparents were happy to be the boxing day hosts as it meant no in law arguments and we kids always said how much we loved the 2 Christmases and getting to see our entire families in 2 days.

I appreciate its hard and thats just what worked for our family. It may be worth having a chat.... I know both my grandparents would have been happy to host the others if need be so could you even do Christmas day with each child's family on alternating years?