To be hurt we are always the Boxing Day/Easter Monday house

[Nagramama]

DH and I have been together for 15 years. When we met my son was 22 and his daughter was 18. Now our children are fully grown up, with their own children, my son has 2 gorgeous little boys who are 7 and 4, his daughter has 2 beautiful little girls who are 3 and 5. My DHs daughter’s mum passed away when she was 12.
Now for some reason we have become the Boxing Day/Easter Monday. My son does Christmas Day with his wife’s family and New Year’s Day with his father. DHs daughter does Christmas Day at her in-laws.
I’ve grown quite used to it, we now go out for a meal on Christmas Day, go to church and have a very peaceful day. I then host a lovely but lighter meal for Boxing Day. However I’m a little sad we have become the Boxing Day house by default. I know it’s just a day and just as special, but I do feel like everyone is a little tired, the kids are all a little miserable at being dragged from their new toys and everyone is starting to feel a bit fatigued from socialising.
The same happens at Easter, we see them on Easter Monday when everyone is just a little tired, and often we don’t even see DH’s daughter as they always go on holiday in the Easter holidays and sometimes leave on the Monday.
I’m not really sure how this started and I don’t think we were ever consulted on it which is fine as obviously I’m grateful to see the children whenever it suits. DH doesn’t mind as much, but he’s a very unbothered man in general. I know his DD doesn’t like me but I like to think I’ve been nothing but lovely to her, she is adamant her children call me by my name as I’m not their grandmother which while it hurts I respect. Though I do find this a little annoying as we pay a 1/4 of her children’s school fees and this comes from our joint pot and while I’m happy to do that and don’t expect anything in return it does sometimes make me feel like I’m good enough to take money from but not to spend Christmas with or be called granny. AIBU to be hurt by this? I know it’s probably not worth actually mentioning as that will just cause upset.

All I'm going to say is that if my parents or in-laws were bank rolling my lifestyle and kids school fees to the tune of thousands a year, I'd work bloody hard to make sure they felt like they were a priority in my life. Anything else makes you an arsehole.

Why do they have to come at the same time? If your SD doesn't like you, let her DF deal with her and have your son DIL and grandchildren when it suits you and them

I think if someone expresses a preference and the other is too kind to say anything habits develop

although it means they think they care mkre about the day whisky you are happy to see them anytime it’s almost a compliment

If both children get 12k and it’s equal between the daughter and son then technically she doesn’t give her any money. The father gives the daughter 12k and the mother to the son 12k….unless OP is going to say she’s the main breadwinner and if she’s not the breadwinner then technically the husband is giving more to OPs son than OP is contributing?

I find it really distasteful to mention the money when she visits and makes an effort. Giving people money to help them is no strings attached, you can’t use money to control people. It’s either a gift or not.

Just to give an adult child's perspective: I love my mum and we are very close (see her weekly, talk most days). Her partner is really nice too. I wouldn't choose to spend Christmas Day at their house though.

They met when I was an adult and (understandably) offer an open invitation to his adult children too. I like spending Christmas with my nearest and dearest... awkward stilted conversation with the children of my mum's partner just isn't how I want to spend the day 🤷‍♀️

Going to there house doesn't feel like going 'home' either. There's very little nostalgia there.

They are welcome to come to me but (again understandably) don't want to choose between children. So they usually come to mine or my sister's Christmas Eve or Christmas Day evening.

I don't begrudge my mum's happiness. In fact, I was thrilled when she found her partner. But that doesn't mean it's the same as going to both your parents for Christmas where you feel entirely at home. Some people wouldn't be bothered, I am so we tend to do Christmas with just our children or team up with my DSis and her family. DH's family live too far away to consider whilst the children are small and prefer not to travel themselves.

I would be getting the message that Iam second choice, most times. Would have better things to do with £24000 until the disrespect was omitted.

Honestly it doesn't sound like they're deliberately leaving you out, their decisions are reasonable. It's lovely to have a quiet Christmas Eve at home doing final preparations/baking biscuits/getting the kids in their PJs ready for Santa. No one wants to do a big drive on Christmas Day, particularly if they like to have a couple of drinks. If your son is the sort of Christian who is involved in his church and sees it as family then going to a church near you wouldn't be the same- the kids will have friends at church who they will want to see.

For what it's worth, when I was a child our extended family always visited my mum's parents on boxing day or the 27th and that was one of the best days of the holiday. We did chaotic family games like balloon races and played hide and seek with our cousins and had a buffet (which kids often prefer to a roast)

Not sure I follow your maths logic there. The DD receives financial help from the OP and her dad and so does the son. The son receiving help doesn’t cancel anything out. The issue is the DD’s attitude and behaviour in making her dislike for OP clear. If I was receiving financial handouts from a stepparent nobody on earth would have a clue that I didn’t like them as I would go out of my way to be nice to them. If I genuinely couldn’t stand them then I wouldn’t take their money.

Yanbu at all to feel hurt and your son in particular is very unreasonable to always spend Christmas with his in laws. I’m also surprised your DIL allows it - I would actually say to my husband it’s probably only fair we see your parents some years. We (like most people I know) alternate Christmas between families.

I would talk to him and point out that it feels very one-sided that his wife’s family get every Christmas Day and Easter Day and could they please consider coming to see you sometimes and swap things round.

Your step daughter is a bit more difficult and it doesn’t sound like there’s much you can do there. But I wouldn’t let that stop you seeing your son if he does agree - it doesn’t need to be everyone there at the same time.

I think how Christmas is celebrated is a big deal. Before DH and I did Christmas together, I was very much on the side of we have to alternate and he was against that because he was like “but my parents” (I know right!).

After my first Christmas with his family, I realised it’s a huge deal and they go all out and basically celebrate over the three days.

With my family, it’s a normal day except we have a Christmas roast and give presents. We therefore started doing Christmas at his every year once we had kids, as it’s a much more exciting experience for them.

My family genuinely don’t mind though, so I guess that does make it easier, but it sounds like both your DC prioritise the house that make Christmas more exciting.

Can you try and reframe this in your mind, and rather than feeling hurt, feel lucky that you get to share precious time with both sides of your families together over the festive periods throughout the year. You get to see your respective grandchildren enjoying each others company as cousins. Step families can be difficult at times, and I really understand your wish to be known as Granny - but that shouldn't be a reason for you not to be Granny in everything other than name. (And yes - I am a step grandma). Be very thankful if the wonderful family times you and DH host - there are plenty of step families who remain split even at Xmas with parents forced to choose who to celebrate with. Don't allow your hurt to fester and spoil what you have. The pp who pointed out that having you named granny when her own mother died when she was so young is a step too far for her is right.

Ds should spend every second Christmas with you if at all possible. Let your husband sort out his daughter. Also just btw if there is any issue I'll marry one of them ! (I'm joking. Its just a peek into another financial life from my world).

Stop being so passive!
“ok DS and DIL, next Christmas you’re all coming to ours on Christmas Day - I can’t wait to host you!”
Also, regarding your stepdaughter’s children calling you by your name, that’s absolutely fine! My children called my stepfather by his name as did their children (my grandchildren). They actually called my mother by her name when they were older too.

@Nagramama YANBU to feel hurt OP, but I wouldn't say a word to any of them about it as you could end up with conflict that could destroy current relations (and not just between you and the DC, but also with your DH). Compromise is always required for these important annual events and whilst I think your DS and DSD could have been fairer and compromised to alternate each year where they spend Christmas day, I can understand from everything you've posted how they've arrived at the current regular arrangements. It appears that your DH also isn't unhappy with the arrangements and you seem to be the only one who is so, if I were you, I'd continue to accept them unchallenged, particularly as it's just a difference of 24 hours. Try to see the positive in what you do have - all yours and your DH's family together on at least two days at special times of the year where you can all spend time together as a blended family without anyone else feeling stressed or resentful - you are enabling this by continuing to be selfless and gracious about it, so nice work OP. 😊

This is an interesting thread. Easter is a far more important Christian holiday (and without the mad build up of Christmas). I can understand the son wanting to spend Easter at his church (I know some people have said he could go to a church near the OP but he will want to go to his own).

One of the things I hate about Christmas is the mad build up which starts in November. Then everyone is frazzled by the day itself. There are actually twelve days of Christmas so Boxing Day is okay. I try to do something for Twelth Night as well.

I remember someone once describing Christmas as a task where they had to get to four random spots on a map within 48 hours or everyone would be cross.

Let me try to explain differently.

Mum and dad gift 24k as a whole so if they earn equal amounts into that pot they both contribute 12k (unless one if a larger earner then it’s not equal).

Then they gift 12k to the son and 12k to the daughter so then actually the daughter is accepting the father’s contributions and the son is accepting the mothers therefore the 12k is from the father and not the step mum.

OP doesn’t seem to like the step daughter and I can’t really see she’s done anything wrong. OP hasn’t mentioned she’s willing to go visit them on Christmas Day. The step daughter is visiting regularly and making an effort. I feel like there’s a lot more to this story that a paragraph, and again I find using money on control people off and odd. You either wanted to gift to people or don’t but it shouldn’t come with strings attached.

It sounds as if there are good reasons for the current pattern to have developed but I understand why you are hurt by it.
Christmas and Christmas Day have become a bit overrated and assume a ridiculous importance so you feel it important to see your family on that day, but really time spent together is what matters not what day it is or whether you are second choice.
With your ds I would ask if you could visit them briefly on Christmas Eve in the afternoon to deliver presents and see the children, no assumption of being given a meal. Or invite them for a brunch on one of the tedious days between Christmas and New Year.
For the broader group I would have a conversation about when would be a good day for a family get together, start your own tradition. Don’t try to make it a replicate Christmas.
Think about what you would enjoy on Christmas Day, if you and your husband want different things then alternate or look for a balance.
You can’t control other people, you can communicate with your DH and you can control your thinking.

It would be ideal to see them on the big day but they do already make sure they see you so I would just take that as a win. Hop over to Gransnet - there are so many people over there who barely see their adult kids at all.

You can question it but I’m not sure the end result would ever be that they are genuinely happy to be there on Christmas Day.

It doesn't sound like anyone is trying to hurt you, it sounds like they are doing what works for their family and their children. I don't think there's any more to it that that.

Also we don’t know that much about the family finances. If you met when she was 18, doesn’t your husband has any money of his own built up from before the marriage? Did his wife leave any money to him or was there insurance?

It would stand to reason step daughter assumed her father was able to pay something towards school fees, especially if he inherited some money from her mum. Perhaps it would be better for her if the money did come directly from her father’s pot so she wouldn’t need to feel beholden?

Haven’t RTFT but until the children are older I think YABU to expect anything to change, your post explains the logistics and I would do (and did) the same with kids those ages.
When the kids are tweens it’ll become much more possible to have more variety, we now host everyone because we have the most room for guests and some are travelling for a couple of hours. All kids are over 10 though

She could try, but should prepare to be met with a "thanks but no thanks". Can't demand they drive an hour away on Christmas day with small children.

This response nails it.

You have choices. You can continue to rail against this and harbour your grudges, or you can make Boxing Day your own. Have some fun games, a buffet spread with everyone’s favourite things, make up some traditions like everyone brings along their favourite Christmas present to show the others. We have “Christmas “ with SILs family and it has evolved over the years into a thing centred around family being together and fun, the food is incidental and often it’s not on Christmas Day itself. I love it as I am an only DC and it’s so wonderful to have large numbers of people around celebrating together.

On the money front, many GPs support their DGCs. As you support both your DGC and your DHs equally then I would try to just let that go in your mind. Money shouldn’t buy access to DGC and I can totally see why both sides prefer to stay nearer home on CD, as your DH prefers going out, they may not even think it is a big deal to you.

Plus it's a sure fire way to start a family rift. I would not appreciate this pressure and a parent/grandparent trying to dictate how I spend Christmas. Once upon a time they were the ones with children choosing how to spend it, they could give those children the same respect.

You're missing the part were the OP doesn't host, because her DH insists on eating out on Christmas day. So she's insisting that the DD drive for an hour, go to a restaurant with a 3 and 5 year old, doesn't drink, because she's got an hour drive home. It would be bloody selfish to insist on that, until the children are at least around 8.
My children lost their Dad young, so I totally understand her not wanting the OP to be Granny. There's so many older people who want control because of the money they give. The OP hasn't given details of whose house they are living in, were the money came from that the DD gets, it could be part of her inheritance etc. It's interesting that her son (or his wife) isn't getting the stick her SD is.