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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt we are always the Boxing Day/Easter Monday house

240 replies

Nagramama · 31/10/2025 02:21

DH and I have been together for 15 years. When we met my son was 22 and his daughter was 18. Now our children are fully grown up, with their own children, my son has 2 gorgeous little boys who are 7 and 4, his daughter has 2 beautiful little girls who are 3 and 5. My DHs daughter’s mum passed away when she was 12.
Now for some reason we have become the Boxing Day/Easter Monday. My son does Christmas Day with his wife’s family and New Year’s Day with his father. DHs daughter does Christmas Day at her in-laws.
I’ve grown quite used to it, we now go out for a meal on Christmas Day, go to church and have a very peaceful day. I then host a lovely but lighter meal for Boxing Day. However I’m a little sad we have become the Boxing Day house by default. I know it’s just a day and just as special, but I do feel like everyone is a little tired, the kids are all a little miserable at being dragged from their new toys and everyone is starting to feel a bit fatigued from socialising.
The same happens at Easter, we see them on Easter Monday when everyone is just a little tired, and often we don’t even see DH’s daughter as they always go on holiday in the Easter holidays and sometimes leave on the Monday.
I’m not really sure how this started and I don’t think we were ever consulted on it which is fine as obviously I’m grateful to see the children whenever it suits. DH doesn’t mind as much, but he’s a very unbothered man in general. I know his DD doesn’t like me but I like to think I’ve been nothing but lovely to her, she is adamant her children call me by my name as I’m not their grandmother which while it hurts I respect. Though I do find this a little annoying as we pay a 1/4 of her children’s school fees and this comes from our joint pot and while I’m happy to do that and don’t expect anything in return it does sometimes make me feel like I’m good enough to take money from but not to spend Christmas with or be called granny. AIBU to be hurt by this? I know it’s probably not worth actually mentioning as that will just cause upset.

OP posts:
Bumblebee72 · 31/10/2025 03:38

I wouldn't push any of this to be honest. I think whether it is Christmas day or boxing day would be a the grass is always greener type scenario. Cause upset to get Christmas Day and discover it is when the children are over excited and irritable.

I think it is unreasonable to expect to be called Granny when "traditional" Granny died at a pretty tough age for your DIL. I don't think you should interpret that as her not appreciating you.

I wouldn't bring the money you give into it. You aren't buying their time - it makes it all sound very transactional.

GummyBearette · 31/10/2025 03:49

99bottlesofkombucha · 31/10/2025 02:42

I’d be hurt too. I’d work on my son in your place. I’d ask him about Christmas Day and when he said his wife prefers her family for Christmas you say, I see. Don’t you think that most families alternate these things rather than tell one side of the family they will never get a Christmas Day? There are two of you in this marriage you know.

and I’d leave it at that. But if he could come Christmas Day I’d definitely have it Christmas Day!! If dh doesn’t see his daughter that year say I know, I wish she valued us more too. Sometimes I feel only good enough to give her money. But I am having a Christmas Day whether or not she can come. We can try and arrange something else where the children can meet up.

I really really wouldn’t do that. Trying to insert yourself in your child’s marriage is not going to strengthen your relationship.

Ivymom · 31/10/2025 04:09

Comparison is the thief of joy. Try not to focus on the fact that they spend certain days with their inlaws and instead, make some fantastic traditions for the days they spend with you. Get matching family pajamas, play board games, watch movies and eat finger foods all day. Make ice cream sundaes with a bunch of different toppings. It doesn't have to be anything like a big fancy Christmas or Easter dinner. Just make it something fun and memorable for everyone.

I've told my children that when they are grown, with families of their own, I'm happy to be the Boxing Day house. I'm willing to work with their schedules so they can establish their own holiday traditions and I can still be included in the celebrations. As much as I love hosting the holidays, I love spending time together more and will strive to be the parents/inlaws who accommodate everyone so I continue to get to celebrate with them and the families they create.

Figcherry · 31/10/2025 04:17

Nagramama · 31/10/2025 03:19

I think for DHs DD it comes down to travel, and the Christmas her in-laws host. They go all out, goose, beef wellington all sorts. They also live a cab ride away so they do Christmas morning in their home, then get a cab to in-laws for Christmas lunch and the evening then a cab back. I understand it allows them to drink etc. which would be much harder travelling to us. She is also very close to her in-laws, I think she’s developed a more maternal bond with her mother in law than she has with me. DH also prefers to eat Christmas dinner out so I don’t think she feels bad in that sense.

DS and his wife are practicing Christian’s now so going to church is massive for them which isn’t something we do, so I think his wife’s family are more aligned on their idea of Christmas.

I understand the reasons but it still hurts.

Show quote history

Aaah. Practicing Christians. That explains a lot. I was raised a Catholic and still managed to visit dh’s family every other Christmas, I’m sure there’s a suitable church near you. It’s not very Christian to leave someone out is it?

sunshinestar1986 · 31/10/2025 04:29

Nagramama · 31/10/2025 02:21

DH and I have been together for 15 years. When we met my son was 22 and his daughter was 18. Now our children are fully grown up, with their own children, my son has 2 gorgeous little boys who are 7 and 4, his daughter has 2 beautiful little girls who are 3 and 5. My DHs daughter’s mum passed away when she was 12.
Now for some reason we have become the Boxing Day/Easter Monday. My son does Christmas Day with his wife’s family and New Year’s Day with his father. DHs daughter does Christmas Day at her in-laws.
I’ve grown quite used to it, we now go out for a meal on Christmas Day, go to church and have a very peaceful day. I then host a lovely but lighter meal for Boxing Day. However I’m a little sad we have become the Boxing Day house by default. I know it’s just a day and just as special, but I do feel like everyone is a little tired, the kids are all a little miserable at being dragged from their new toys and everyone is starting to feel a bit fatigued from socialising.
The same happens at Easter, we see them on Easter Monday when everyone is just a little tired, and often we don’t even see DH’s daughter as they always go on holiday in the Easter holidays and sometimes leave on the Monday.
I’m not really sure how this started and I don’t think we were ever consulted on it which is fine as obviously I’m grateful to see the children whenever it suits. DH doesn’t mind as much, but he’s a very unbothered man in general. I know his DD doesn’t like me but I like to think I’ve been nothing but lovely to her, she is adamant her children call me by my name as I’m not their grandmother which while it hurts I respect. Though I do find this a little annoying as we pay a 1/4 of her children’s school fees and this comes from our joint pot and while I’m happy to do that and don’t expect anything in return it does sometimes make me feel like I’m good enough to take money from but not to spend Christmas with or be called granny. AIBU to be hurt by this? I know it’s probably not worth actually mentioning as that will just cause upset.

Because you pay similar amounts to both sets of grandchildren,
Just pretend you pay for your son and your hsuband pays for his daughter.
Unless of course you are the much higher earner.
Also, yes you are right to be hurt, I think what you both do massively improves your kids/grandkids quality of life and what I've noticed is that people who are well off are always seen a bit differently, as if you have no feelings, it's very strange.

Tbh
I wouldn't give such a massive amount of money to my grandkids at all.
At least not in that way.
Because, money always affects relationships, they will always feel entitled unless the recipients are such amazingly good people.
Instead, I would take them out to places, maybe save for their first homes or just do a will that you do not tell them about.
Then, if someone is doing their own thing, you'll feel less resentful.
I mean unfortunately it doesn't seem that you can ever stop, but at least with your son
I would speak to him, say spend every other holiday, its massively unfair as that's your own child.

Whippetwonder · 31/10/2025 04:30

Mine are just getting to the age where grandchildren are not far off ..
It's made me think a lot , especially as I have 3 boys ..
If I was in your situation op ....I would want my DC to do exactly as they please with their family ..I definitely 100% would not want someone visiting me at any point over Christmas,who did not want to be there .
Regarding the school fees ...never give money to someone with any expectation of buying their time ..either give it willingly,or don't give it .
Regarding you being step mum ..she lost her mum when 12..you were never going to fill that hole for her ,it was to big to start with..
You say they are tired on boxing day ...but on Christmas eve they will be hyped up ,over excited, probably a bit difficult and hard to get to sleep..no wonder mum wants to keep them quiet at home .
Christmas day ,really is everyones choice where they spend it ..don't guilt them in to coming to you ... people can get set in their ways ,and that's then what makes Christmas for them ..
I actually think you have the perfect set up ..a lovely Christmas with your DH ,and then family boxing day ..it's exactly how I would like it ,when I'm a granny.
I had 4dc
It was to difficult getting them out of the house over Christmas..so we never did ..we visited Grandma one Sunday in Dec and that was it ..no dragging the kids away from their toys on Christmas eve ,or Christmas day or boxing day ..

unleashthebook · 31/10/2025 04:35

I agree that it’s unfair for you.

My own dd loves to have Christmas Day at home with us (not least because his parents hold a pretty boring Christmas Day as they don’t drink 😬) but even she accepts that every other year she needs to suck it up and swap the days.

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 31/10/2025 04:40

Nagramama · 31/10/2025 03:19

I think for DHs DD it comes down to travel, and the Christmas her in-laws host. They go all out, goose, beef wellington all sorts. They also live a cab ride away so they do Christmas morning in their home, then get a cab to in-laws for Christmas lunch and the evening then a cab back. I understand it allows them to drink etc. which would be much harder travelling to us. She is also very close to her in-laws, I think she’s developed a more maternal bond with her mother in law than she has with me. DH also prefers to eat Christmas dinner out so I don’t think she feels bad in that sense.

DS and his wife are practicing Christian’s now so going to church is massive for them which isn’t something we do, so I think his wife’s family are more aligned on their idea of Christmas.

I understand the reasons but it still hurts.

Show quote history

You literally said in your OP that you go to church on Xmas day. Presumably not with your DS, as he is not there until Boxing Day.

DisforDarkChocolate · 31/10/2025 04:44

Nagramama · 31/10/2025 02:33

Yes school fees, their eldest is in Year 1 at a London prep school (with insane fees) and the 3 year old is in the pre-school of the same school.

I wouldn't pay to be honest, why should you?

Neemie · 31/10/2025 04:47

You are turning Christmas into a chore full of obligation. I loved Christmas as a child but I started to dislike it as an adult and my children associated it with being carted around the grandparents. Even though they love their grandparents they aren’t keen on the packing up and travelling. So many of my friends have slipped into this kind of routine of doing the rounds of parents and often step parents with rather reluctant children in tow.

Whippetwonder · 31/10/2025 04:53

Neemie · 31/10/2025 04:47

You are turning Christmas into a chore full of obligation. I loved Christmas as a child but I started to dislike it as an adult and my children associated it with being carted around the grandparents. Even though they love their grandparents they aren’t keen on the packing up and travelling. So many of my friends have slipped into this kind of routine of doing the rounds of parents and often step parents with rather reluctant children in tow.

Agree.and I never did it with my dc

Glittertwins · 31/10/2025 05:03

My parents positively discouraged the transporting of our DCs away from their new presents and us carrying things up and down the country. They come to us for a few days instead so it fits around everyone’s stuff.

Quitelikeit · 31/10/2025 05:16

I think your last post nailed it on why they like their current set up.

I can totally see why you would love Christmas to be at yours at some point and maybe it still can be in the future.

However you are doing the right thing by being silent and allowing them to chose what works best for them.

I also do not think you are being used for money and as you have pointed out both children get the same amount - so I assume he pays for your son just as you pay for his daughter?

Let this one go for now

Dancingdance · 31/10/2025 05:28

we pay a 1/4 of her children’s school fees and this comes from our joint pot

Stop this. If your DH wants to pay then fine, but not from the joint account. It comes straight from his savings or salary. The grandchildren’s parents should be paying though.

99bottlesofkombucha · 31/10/2025 05:34

Figcherry · 31/10/2025 04:17

Aaah. Practicing Christians. That explains a lot. I was raised a Catholic and still managed to visit dh’s family every other Christmas, I’m sure there’s a suitable church near you. It’s not very Christian to leave someone out is it?

Show quote history

I agree, their idea of Christmas is pretty Christ free. I just can’t understand being so one sided in your Christmas approach. We alternate, because we care about both of our families.

applegingermint · 31/10/2025 05:36

It sounds like in the in-laws for both children simply do a better Christmas Day. If you & your husband prefer to go to a restaurant then that’s just a miserable way to do Christmas with young children.

My SIL always goes to her in-laws as they go all out for Xmas with loads of extended family around whereas her parents put on a very small formal meal, just the immediate family, and it’s frankly boring and dull for the children.

Anditstartedagain · 31/10/2025 05:43

Nagramama · 31/10/2025 02:31

I’ve suggested this, DS has been open to Good Friday or Christmas Eve but DHs daughter is always too busy and prefers a quiet Christmas Eve. I do also understand we are an hour from their family and with small children it might be easier to travel with them a little tired out on Boxing Day than all hyped up on Christmas Eve. We prefer to have them all together as it lets the cousins see each other too.

Show quote history

Maybe that’s the issue. They don’t think they’re important enough to see individually or that you don’t want to play with the children yourself. Perhaps they or the kids don’t like the choas of everyone meeting up.

MannersAreAll · 31/10/2025 05:46

Dancingdance · 31/10/2025 05:28

we pay a 1/4 of her children’s school fees and this comes from our joint pot

Stop this. If your DH wants to pay then fine, but not from the joint account. It comes straight from his savings or salary. The grandchildren’s parents should be paying though.

Changing the account the money comes from would be a pointlessly argumentative waste of time given they pay the exact same amount of money to the OP's son for his children.

Anditstartedagain · 31/10/2025 05:53

Do you invite them to stay over or are you expecting them to drive 2 hours with young kids on one day?

Have you suggested you travel to a family friendly meal out near them instead?

Nestingbirds · 31/10/2025 05:59

Understandable you feel like you do.

Its not your job to facilitate the children’s relationships, wihich is distant at best at your own expense.

Organise for your ds and family to come Christmas Eve, your ds has already agreed. Make sure iIt is a magical and happy experience.

Take a day off and go out for lunch on Christmas Day and then see dsd on Boxing Day if that’s the only day she is prepared to cone.

It will mean a far longer and nicer festive period for you, and Christmas Eve is by the far the best day of Christmas! The anticipation and excitement is wonderful.

I also sense you pander to your dh often in this thread, he doesn’t ger to call all of the shots op, what about what you want to do? Please start asserting and meeting your own needs, you are just as important as everyone else. You are not ‘lucky’ to have him. You matter as well op.

tombombaclot · 31/10/2025 06:11

You’d hate if I was your daughter/DIL, I’ve got 2 toddlers and Do Not Travel over Christmas. Whoever wants to come is welcome to but I’m not carting the kids around when they just want to be with their presents, in a place they’re comfortable. But that’s beside the point I guess, it sounds like your kids have gotten into a routine and it works for everyone, or so they thought…

HeyThereDelila · 31/10/2025 06:15

Not much you can do about your stepdaughter, but I’d suggest talking to your DS one day and inviting him and his DW for Christmas Day; maybe he’d take the hint. We rotate the sets of parents invited to ours each year else it’s unfair.

If my stepdaughter was rude or not very warm to me I wouldn’t be paying for school fees. Your DH should pay all that himself, not take it out of joint money. That’s taking the mick.

WeeGeeBored · 31/10/2025 06:24

If I was you I would be happy to keep things as they are. Your stepdaughter is entitled to honour her mum’s precious memory in any way she wishes. If the gc’s call you granny it will keep reminding her of what her mother has missed. Some people never see any family at Xmas. And your friends are right to remind you that it is just one day. None of us knows what the future will bring but we do know that we will all experience loss of some kind. So appreciate and enjoy what you have right now.

Movingonup313 · 31/10/2025 06:29

You are stuck between a rock and a hard place. If fed up being the boxing day/easter mionday family then only you can change that. Its tough though isnt it. If you speak up you might be ostracised. If you arent good enough to be granny id say your money isnt good enough either. Id sack that. She is being mean to you. Even when parents separate, where new "gran" is long term witj grandad, then granny get the title. Its not disrespecting her late mother. You will have a loooooooong period of being unhappy about this so.please do something about it. The kids will quickly adapt to using your new title.

Helphjjjjb · 31/10/2025 06:39

Mention it to your DS. It may just have fallen into a pattern where you don’t do much as they are not visiting on Christmas Day so he doesn’t see Christmas at your house as a big deal.

Give the GC their presents on Boxing Day if that is the day you see them.

Anything else you can/want to add on and offer to GC? An advent day decorating the tree, with a Christmas Movie? Christmas Eve dinner - some wonderful Scandinavian traditions?