To be hurt we are always the Boxing Day/Easter Monday house

[Nagramama]

DH and I have been together for 15 years. When we met my son was 22 and his daughter was 18. Now our children are fully grown up, with their own children, my son has 2 gorgeous little boys who are 7 and 4, his daughter has 2 beautiful little girls who are 3 and 5. My DHs daughter’s mum passed away when she was 12.
Now for some reason we have become the Boxing Day/Easter Monday. My son does Christmas Day with his wife’s family and New Year’s Day with his father. DHs daughter does Christmas Day at her in-laws.
I’ve grown quite used to it, we now go out for a meal on Christmas Day, go to church and have a very peaceful day. I then host a lovely but lighter meal for Boxing Day. However I’m a little sad we have become the Boxing Day house by default. I know it’s just a day and just as special, but I do feel like everyone is a little tired, the kids are all a little miserable at being dragged from their new toys and everyone is starting to feel a bit fatigued from socialising.
The same happens at Easter, we see them on Easter Monday when everyone is just a little tired, and often we don’t even see DH’s daughter as they always go on holiday in the Easter holidays and sometimes leave on the Monday.
I’m not really sure how this started and I don’t think we were ever consulted on it which is fine as obviously I’m grateful to see the children whenever it suits. DH doesn’t mind as much, but he’s a very unbothered man in general. I know his DD doesn’t like me but I like to think I’ve been nothing but lovely to her, she is adamant her children call me by my name as I’m not their grandmother which while it hurts I respect. Though I do find this a little annoying as we pay a 1/4 of her children’s school fees and this comes from our joint pot and while I’m happy to do that and don’t expect anything in return it does sometimes make me feel like I’m good enough to take money from but not to spend Christmas with or be called granny. AIBU to be hurt by this? I know it’s probably not worth actually mentioning as that will just cause upset.

Your SD will always internally be a 12 year old girl who has lost her mum. I would not mention the granny thing. She will feel robbed that her mother never got that title.

Maybe host something on Christmas Eve or Good Friday instead?

I’ve suggested this, DS has been open to Good Friday or Christmas Eve but DHs daughter is always too busy and prefers a quiet Christmas Eve. I do also understand we are an hour from their family and with small children it might be easier to travel with them a little tired out on Boxing Day than all hyped up on Christmas Eve. We prefer to have them all together as it lets the cousins see each other too.

Do the children really have school fees at 3 and 5?? Or do you mean childcare?
It seems you are resentful about it, and that's understandable. Could you ask that dh contributes to this if he wants, but you don't want to anymore? That's what I'd be doing for a start. Maybe then his daughter's dismissive attitude to you will sting less. You can't do much about her visits, however you can pull back a bit emotionally and financially.

Yes school fees, their eldest is in Year 1 at a London prep school (with insane fees) and the 3 year old is in the pre-school of the same school.

If you accept being the Monday house it won't change. They are happy with the situation. It's easy for them. You clearly feel second.

If you don't fancy paying school fees then don't. It's not your responsibility.

Use the fee money to travel more atvthe seasons and offer them to see every second Christmas/Easter on the day that suits you

Well you could say you don't want to be contributing to this any longer, unless you're providing similar to your son?

The thing is with DHs daughter I genuinely don’t think she’d bother to see us if we suggested a different day. DH wouldn’t risk not seeing his daughter or granddaughters and is quite happy as things are so won’t change it. DS would be open to Christmas Eve or Good Friday but not Christmas Day or Easter Sunday as his wife likes that with her family so it would cause an argument or upset.
DH also would be very upset if I suggested we only see them every other year.

Do you pay school fees for your son's 2 gorgeous little boys who are 7 and 4?

We aren’t directly giving DS school fees as his children are in state school. But we do pay his wrap around care and hobbies for the children including private swim lessons so it works out pretty much even. However his children do call DH Grandad.

Let DH handle his daughter.

I wouldn't bother. I am not the one being chosen second at all times and happily paying her childrens' expensive fees.

The four grandchildren get the same amount of money?

I’d be hurt too. I’d work on my son in your place. I’d ask him about Christmas Day and when he said his wife prefers her family for Christmas you say, I see. Don’t you think that most families alternate these things rather than tell one side of the family they will never get a Christmas Day? There are two of you in this marriage you know.

and I’d leave it at that. But if he could come Christmas Day I’d definitely have it Christmas Day!! If dh doesn’t see his daughter that year say I know, I wish she valued us more too. Sometimes I feel only good enough to give her money. But I am having a Christmas Day whether or not she can come. We can try and arrange something else where the children can meet up.

More or less yes. Our contributions to both of the girls school fees work out about £12000 a year (£2000 per child per term give or take). We then pay a similar amount to DS that covers swimming lessons, football and after school club.

If I ever said something like that to DH he would be very upset and offended that I would suggest anything the such about his DD. I don’t dislike his DD she’s lovely and I appreciate that our relationship will never be a close one. I’d never suggest that she only uses us for money as I don’t think that’s actually what’s happening, it just feels like it is. DH has made it very clear that his daughter is now and will always be his priority and if he was ever put in positions where she and I weren’t getting along he would side with her. His devotion to her is something I actually love about him.

Fair enough. I would communicate with my son about not just being the second choice. It is normal to alternate between grandparents at seasons. Otherwise I would choose to spend the money on traveling at Christmas and Easter and enjoy life. I wouldn't bother sitting around waiting for a visit on Monday/Boxing Day and at the same time covering the children's/grandchildrens' expensive fees/needs.

Hang on £12,000 a year for each grandchild? Or have I drank too much wine?

No £12,000 combined for both the girls then the same for both boys so £24,000 a year total or £2000 a month.

It's a crazy amount of money but I suppose you can afford it.
Tbh your children are very entitled paying you attention the way the choose to.

Are you saying that you don’t want to see your DS & GS on Christmas Eve if your DIL will only come on Boxing Day? I think you should leave DIL to your DH and concentrate on building as close a relationship as you can with DS and his family. If I was DS I would be hurt if you only want to see him when your DH’s daughter is also available.

Yours & DH’s grandchildren are not cousins and his DD doesn’t sound like she wants that kind of relationship.

I’m surprised that your dh’s dd having lost her dm has relegated her df to second best, that’s mean imo.
Your ds however, he needs to speak up too, his dm should be as important as his in laws.
The common denominator in all of this is of course you and your dh. I’d hazard a guess that the other in laws are still married to each other, eg dsd’s in laws have never been divorced and same with ds’s.
After my parents split we still visited dm alternately on Christmas Day (df moved abroad) but I preferred the family unit at dh’s home.

I know my dd prefers to be with her in-laws at Christmas, ( dh and I are both still together) because her in-laws are much more fun than us but she is fair. Ds loves to be with us and my dgs also adores his dgrandad ( dh).

I wouldn’t use the fees as leverage it will make things worse. Better to establish your own tradition on Boxing Day that the dgc love.

A different lunch that they all love.
A walk and hot chocolate afterwards.
A movie or game.
The dgc will remember it.

@Nagramama family dynamics are sometimes tricky. Just re-read what you've written.

"I know his DD doesn’t like me"

"I do find this a little annoying as we pay a 1/4 of her children’s school fees"
"I’m happy to do that and don’t expect anything in return" (don't you?)

Isn't it obvious why you're not first choice, perhaps?

The important thing, must surely be, maintaining a relationship with the adult children (your son/his daughter). Your expectation, that it must occur on a very specific day, to acknowledge your importance in their lives, seems a little short-sighted?

Be happy to see them, without condition?

I think for DHs DD it comes down to travel, and the Christmas her in-laws host. They go all out, goose, beef wellington all sorts. They also live a cab ride away so they do Christmas morning in their home, then get a cab to in-laws for Christmas lunch and the evening then a cab back. I understand it allows them to drink etc. which would be much harder travelling to us. She is also very close to her in-laws, I think she’s developed a more maternal bond with her mother in law than she has with me. DH also prefers to eat Christmas dinner out so I don’t think she feels bad in that sense.

DS and his wife are practicing Christian’s now so going to church is massive for them which isn’t something we do, so I think his wife’s family are more aligned on their idea of Christmas.

I understand the reasons but it still hurts.

It sounds like your house is the go to when everyone has had enough of being fake

To be honest, I can see why she goes to her inlaws. Christmas is so fucking stressful as a mum with 2 kids. I would choose a quick cab ride over an hour in the car back and fourth any day.

You also say they go all out and it sounds like a right treat. What would your Christmas day look like as an option? If youre going to tear me away from a beef Wellington a cab ride away, to a roast chicken and aunt Bessie roast potatoes, i wouldn't be too enthused either.

I dont really see the problem if you see them boxing day and do a big meal then? It sounds like you all have a good time and you say DH enjoys eating out.

Overall though - you see them both, so dont be that nag that moans about being the christmas day household vs the boxing day household. The last thing you want is to guilt them into coming.

Finally - if you dont want to contribute to fees then dont. You are clearly resentful about it, because you were very quick to pull that card.

Your update is literally explaining very fair reasons why they don’t come to you . Of course they dont want to travel for 2 hours on Christmas day with two young children when they are able to have a drink and a quick journey home as the alternative.
your husbands likes to eat out at Christmas, when the alternative is a home made Christmas where kids can be kids and not have to sit for hours at a restaurant then I would be choosing that too .
Your son is spending the religious holiday with the side of family that is religious, it makes perfect sense for them to.