To be hurt we are always the Boxing Day/Easter Monday house

[Nagramama]

DH and I have been together for 15 years. When we met my son was 22 and his daughter was 18. Now our children are fully grown up, with their own children, my son has 2 gorgeous little boys who are 7 and 4, his daughter has 2 beautiful little girls who are 3 and 5. My DHs daughter’s mum passed away when she was 12.
Now for some reason we have become the Boxing Day/Easter Monday. My son does Christmas Day with his wife’s family and New Year’s Day with his father. DHs daughter does Christmas Day at her in-laws.
I’ve grown quite used to it, we now go out for a meal on Christmas Day, go to church and have a very peaceful day. I then host a lovely but lighter meal for Boxing Day. However I’m a little sad we have become the Boxing Day house by default. I know it’s just a day and just as special, but I do feel like everyone is a little tired, the kids are all a little miserable at being dragged from their new toys and everyone is starting to feel a bit fatigued from socialising.
The same happens at Easter, we see them on Easter Monday when everyone is just a little tired, and often we don’t even see DH’s daughter as they always go on holiday in the Easter holidays and sometimes leave on the Monday.
I’m not really sure how this started and I don’t think we were ever consulted on it which is fine as obviously I’m grateful to see the children whenever it suits. DH doesn’t mind as much, but he’s a very unbothered man in general. I know his DD doesn’t like me but I like to think I’ve been nothing but lovely to her, she is adamant her children call me by my name as I’m not their grandmother which while it hurts I respect. Though I do find this a little annoying as we pay a 1/4 of her children’s school fees and this comes from our joint pot and while I’m happy to do that and don’t expect anything in return it does sometimes make me feel like I’m good enough to take money from but not to spend Christmas with or be called granny. AIBU to be hurt by this? I know it’s probably not worth actually mentioning as that will just cause upset.

1. You've caused Easter Monday with your DS by refusing to see him on a different day than DSD. Change that if you want to.
2. It is completely reasonable and unsurprising that your Christian DS wants to spend the most important Christian holidays with his Christian family. I love Christmas and Easter, but I'm not religious so of course they could be celebrated on different days! They are essentially winter and spring festivals for me.
3. Your DSD's in-law Christmas sounds like it is much more suitable for their family at the moment. This is why we generally go to my DPs rather than my in-laws. I want the DC to have a good time, primarily.

Each family get £1000 a month from grandparents to fund their choice of living - and can't be assed to spend Christmas or Easter every second year with the grandparents only the left over Monday/Boxing Day.

The ship might have sailed but it is amazingly entitled of the parents.

Focus on your son. Leave DH to deal with DSD. If Christmas is already set this year, invite him in September next year, before plans are made. If he says no, tell him that it’s only fair that families alternate, and that your feelings are hurt. Same for Easter—ask early this year.

Why can’t you go visit them on Christmas Day OP? Ask if you can spend the morning with one family and the other in the afternoon if it’s that important?

Honestly, it sounds as though for Christmas Day for both families, it would be a massive inconvenience to slog out to you (at least a 2 hr round trip, presumably in good traffic), kids and presents in tow, on the day itself. When your son was younger, would you honestly have wanted to pack up the car on Christmas morning, drive an hour for lunch and a few hours with one set of grandparents, then get back in the car (with all the presents, unwrapped this time) and drive an hour home again so you could see the other grandparents the next day (who live conveniently close to their own homes)?

What if they actually want a Christmas at home? What if they don't like your idea of Christmas (which appears to involve going out to a restaurant - very expensive and stressful with young children, who will just want to eat as little as possible before going back to their toys). Would you go to them and do all the travelling? Would be worth asking your DS at least.

If your DS is heavily involved in his church, asking to pull him away for said church at the most religious holy days of the year seems like you are setting yourself up to fail. I would see about visiting them instead, and perhaps alternating with seeing your SD's family. If you really want to be with them on certain days, you need to have less rigid ideas of how that will happen. I would recommend getting the cousins together at different times of the year, i.e. start a tradition of an annual BBQ or similar.

I actually think boxing day is a lovely time for you all to get together. It is a tradition just for your family unit & so far everyone seems happy to come over on that day. You get a lovely day with your husband & then all the grandkids come over the next day. It's making the festivities last longer for everyone which is so lovely. I would love a big family christmas/boxing day. What a privilege to have a house full of healthy happy family over the festive period. Try to enjoy it & see it as 'your' family day.

Honestly you’re lucky you get Boxing Day, we refuse to travel so our family only see us in between xmas and new year, you said yourself the moving around is all quite miserable for kids.

I would remove my share of this support.

Maybe try having your son and your dh's daughter on different days? Your son on xmas eve and your 'step daughter' on boxing day. I know you say the cousins like to see each other but to your son they are not really cousins are they? He might enjoy some time with you without also having to socialise with your partners kid and grandkids. Also as others have said, your dh should fund school fees not you. I would stop doing this and then you won't be so resentful.

This answers all of your questions.
The set up sounds perfect for the wants and needs of all involved.
Do you really want people to come to you on Christmas Day out of some sense of duty or ‘fairness’? They would be secretly resentful at missing the day they enjoy.

Why?? Because they see them on Boxing Day not Christmas Day when they live an hour a way? Petty and pathetic!

Sounds fine they make the effort to come with kids every year. Does it really matter? It’s just a family tradition now and they are traveling etc.

Haha yes this seems like sensible adult behaviour….wouldnt burn any bridges and then OP wouldn’t see any family 😂

To be honest, there’s 7 separate households here:

You/your husband
your ex
his ex
son’s family
Son’s in laws
daughter’s family
Daughter’s in laws

It’s probably hard for your respective children to coordinate if the above group of people don’t really socialise all together, they’re always going to be letting someone down on Christmas Day. Plus as they are the ones responsible for the grandchildren, everyone wants to see them. maybe in the future, they might be the glue that brings everyone together and host Christmas themselves? But for now, it’s probably exhausting for them too.

No, because of the DIL’s disdain for me. I’d rather support the proverbial cat’s home.

If they want posh schools they can fund them.

It’s a big deal losing your mum at a young age, something you never get over only learn to live with, so don’t give her grief about the granny thing.

What about doing a summer thing, a lovely garden party or something - I always think Christmas would be better if it was spread out more and in warmer weather!

edit to add - DH and I have been together since we were teens, some 30plus years. I have lovely memories of all his extended family going to his grandparents house on Boxing Day, it was a big tradition and something they had done since they were little kids. When the cousins get together now, that’s what they remember, fun boxing days not Christmas days!

@Nagramama how often do you see them outside these special days?

You say you pay 1/4 of school fees which is approximately £2,000 per term. What happens as the DC go up the school years as the early Primary years are the ‘cheap’ years? Will your contribution increase, if so will you pay more to your son?

Do you do presents on Boxing Day?

As for the granny thing, I don't think that is important. What the children will respond to, and will remember after they have grown up, is the person, not the name. Being called granny doesn't make children automatically like you. If you are patient, have time for them, are kind, are fun, that is what they will consider important.

I had a real, blood-related granny who wasn't these things at all. I also had a step-granny who wasn't these things either. (Mind you, it is only as I write this that these judgements have occurred to me. I have survived remarkably well.)

I'd be hurt by this too. It maybe worth talking to your son about the set up - mainly to make him aware rather than with any hope there will be a change. (This applies to both Christmas Day and New Year's Day).
It's also hard thinking both children will take a considerable sum of money from you but not share special times with you.
FWIW my children only have one set of grandparents alive but have an honoury set that they call granny and grandad - and my children are treated like extra grandchildren, which is lovely. It's sad you can't be referred to as granny (or another special nickname).
I wonder if you could 'take back control ' by booking something like a pantomime for everyone at Christmas and doing an Easter egg hunt early for everyone at a convenient date for everyone. This way you have a really positive experience with the children when they are hopefully less tired and it's not the leftover day.

I know his DD doesn’t like me

This is at the heart of it, surely, so I'd stop trying to conflate your DS and his DD into the same event if what you want is a different day and your DS is open to it. He's your son and you're his DC's granny so focus more on them and stop expecting the same kind of engagement with your DP's child and grandchildren when it's clear the relationship is never going to be the same. That doesn't mean it can't be decent and indeed it sounds like it is, if you adjust your expectations.

You say all this about being happy with funding the schools, happy with quiet Xmas Day etc but you're evidently not and expect more from them, which is a road to resentment. If you want your DP to fund the GC's schools instead of you, have that conversation. If you're genuinely okay with it, make peace with that and don't default to using it as a chip in this scenario to add to your grievances. The DD's reasons for not liking you are not going to change however lovely you are because her mother died and that impacts a lifetime. Accept what you have, negotiate more from those men who are more invested in your happiness (DP and DS) and stop looking for more from someone you know doesn't like you.

Young kids, 2 hours away.... Fancy a d expensive meal out..... No chance.

I never travelled over the key dates when mine were young. We liked it at home.

The old saying, comparison is the thief of joy, stands here.

Don't rock the boat. You have lovely grandchildren, whatever they call you. You know she doesn't like you. If you start fiddling with things, you'll spoil what is already in place. Because it won't come out in your/your DH's favour.

I don't agree that their reasons for always being with your DIL's parents are reasonable. It should be shared. We have always alternated Christmas Day. It's mean of them not to. YANBU

I think it sounds like a sensible set up. We have all sorts of weird Christmases because of blended families, work rotas over Christmas and a sister whose in-laws are abroad. It is just a day, spending time together over the season is far more important than the actual day.

I think you are focusing too much on the significance of particular days. For most people Christmas is the whole period not just the day (in fact, Christmas day can often be stressful and disappointing at times - so much importance is put on getting it right and 'making memories' that we are setting ourselves up to fail).

You are currently guaranteed boxing day, you could make that a special tradition in your family.

We alternated Christmas when our kids were small and if we weren't at my folks, they would always plan something a different day, an informal dinner (Kids could get up and down from the table while adults picked and drank), they would do a box of mini gifts that kept tired kids going (colouring pencils / craft activity / games / little wind up toys that could be raced / puppets etc..), lighter dinner meant no-one was stuck in the kitchen so my parents were hands on with the kids, always a fab day and no stress as a parent.

A friend always hosts Boxing day, she organises silly games and challenges. She told me they play pass the parcel but each layer has a silly challenge for the recipient - wear a blindfold / oven gloves / hawaian shirt / stand on 1 leg / let the kids put make up on you etc.. for the next 15 minutes. It takes about 3 hours to play and the prize in the middle is a tin of baked beans. The kids loved it, seeing their parents / grandparents doing silly things. The kids are adults now and boxing day is sacred - they still come and they still play these games.

Enjoy a peaceful Christmas day and then make your boxing day something special.