Relationship changed with adult children. Is this normal? Please share your experience.

[Crystalcrazy]

Hello.

Im looking for advice please and other people’s experiences.

I have two adult children in their late twenties.

They both own their own homes and have partners. My eldest has a one year old baby.

We used to be so close. One lives local and we’d see each other every week for a nice evening together and message or call in between.

The other lives a few hours away and we kept in touch via phone weekly.

I now find contact is only when I initiate this and we now rarely see each other.

I understand they have their own family’s and both work full time (as do I) but it all feels so sad.

My daughter has been on maternity leave for a year.

I have mentioned how I feel and that I would like to see her and my grandchild more. But I’m just told she’s busy.

I don’t know what to do to make this better, I don’t think it will ever go back to how it was.

Do I ease off and wait for them to contact me?

Is this a normal part of life?

How often do you see her and how often do you want to?

Are you otherwise supportive, offering childcare etc where you can?

Now I see here every few weeks but it’s always me that instigates this.

I kind of wish things could go back to how they were before.

I work full time and don’t have much time to provide childcare. I have offered to babysit if they would like a day or evening out but it’s not been accepted.

Suspect it goes in phases. Working and having a baby is hard.

Did you treat them well when they were kids? If not, sometimes it is something people want to ignore in their early 20s, they survived it, or seemed normal. But when you get your own children, you start to realise the context behind being mistreated from a different angle. Which is hard to process rough the rest of life.

If you treated them well, ignore my comment

Although she is an adult you are still her mother so it's not an equal relationship so yes it's fine that you always instigate it and you need to keep doing that. Ring her at least once a week, fuss and adore the grandchild and all their photos and milestones, ask if she wants babysitting, treat them financially if you are able to. You've got a lovely young family, just cherish and spoil them.

Not accepting babysitting is totally normal at this age. Focus on building a relationship with baby and trust with the parents so that babysitting will come when baby is older. Don't try and force it.

Baby is very young. It makes sense that they may not be ready for babysitting yet.

It sounds like you are all very busy people, all working full time, and now they have a baby too, so that will make it harder to find time to connect. It's disappointing it's not what you hoped it would be, but keep going with what you can. I think often they come back closer around middle age. There seems to be a shift where people pull closer to family again in their later 40s+, from what I've seen.

They both had an amazing childhood so no issues there.

I do all of this and more.

lIt just makes me feel so deflated when in return there’s not even a messaged instigated by them or when I ring the phone doesn’t get answered, instead I get a message to say “busy, I’ll call you back later.” but it never happens.

if you still work full time you’ll be at work most of the time when she is more likely to be free. My toddler and I see my mum a lot in the day because she has retired. We don’t tend to see her much in the evenings or weekends because that’s the time we have with my husband who has been at work all day. Perhaps it’s just a scheduling clash?

I don’t speak to my mother much. Because when I do it’s all about her, her friends, what she has done. Even what her friends cooked when she visited.

No ability to ask me about my life. I’d reassess whether they think you are actually interested in their lives.

Are they friendly and engaged when you do talk to them?

I wouldn't let your insecurity about who is phoning whom get in the way of good relations. Don't let perfection be the enemy of the good.

Is she closer to her in laws do you think?

I guess her relationship with you has changed cause she’s a mother now too so looks at your relationship with a different lens. It’s not a bad thing but ultimately her relationship with you isn’t going to be at the forefront of her mind. She probably assumes things are fine and she’s probably going through an adjustment period.

I do think it’s sad but yes it’s probably within a normal range. Inevitably as they are adults with families you aren’t in the foreground of their thoughts or lives any more.

That said, I did see and talk to my mum more often than that and we saw my in laws monthly and spoke to them twice a week. I’ll be honest, it felt like a lot even though it wasn’t compared to some families.

I would just keep initiating. Call them, look for ways to see the grandchildren that either are no bother to them or helpful. Things may improve as the little ones get older.

I know I’m probably guilty of this at times - life with young children and working is full on and sometimes I just don’t have the mental capacity to then chat with my parents I just want to stare at the TV or doom scroll mindlessly on my phone. Before you know is several days have gone by or maybe longer

If its always you ringing them then STOP!

Your posts do sound a bit whiney TBH. So you've mentioned you have a daughter is the one farther away a son?

I suggest you step back, don't phone and keep yourself busy so you're not waiting for them to call.

Edited to add - you want things to go back to how they were, but I'm sorry you need to accept that time has passed. They've moved on and so should you.

Keep initiating!! I know it must be headwrecking but remember that age and how busy and exhausted you were? I’m not the same as I’m older and set up is different but either way I miss my mum so much but I’m up at 6 and I’m almost crying when I get into bed at night. I used to initiate everything. Mum used to say I don’t ring as you’re busy and I say I’m so sorry but I will pick up as long as I’m not in work or driving,, please ring.

People's lives are busy OP. Your dd is about to go back to work. She's probably rushing round doing all the things she's planned to in maternity leave and then not got done.

She's probably working on getting little one weaned and into a sleep routine that will work with a child minder, doing KIT days, sorting a work wardrobe that fits, and a million other things while being very tired. I know I was.

Keep calling at a regular time each week so she can plan around it. Check the time is convenient, make it clear you are there for her if she needs support, keep it light and don't push. It's a stressy transition and should settle down.

Have you invited them for Christmas so she doesn't have to cook while coping with a little one?

But in general, no, things will never be quite the same again. She has her own family, a house, a career that need to take priority for a while. Finding time to sit and chat isn't easy in those early years.

Completely normal. Don't you remember this stage in your own life, OP? Life is busy, and adults need to break away and establish their own lives.
Congratulations on bringing up two competent, independent adults - if only everyone did such a good job as you!

If they are happy to take your call and see you at your instigation then I wouldn't worry and would just suck up the fact that it will be you contacting them most of the time for the foreseeable future.

I know you work but as you know that's very different from having a young family and chances are, they are just busy.

I wouldn't pull away or make an issue.

I think the fact you wish she’d not had your grandchild probably explains why this is happening

I've read all OP's posts again but can't see where she says this?

She says she wishes it could go back to how it used to be. AKA without the child.

What a horrible thing to say. I didn’t get that from any of OP’s posts.

Can you remember what happened when you were that age/stage of life - how often did you see or contact your parents vs them contacting you? I am of the opinion that things go down the line - I choose to have children so it’s my job to maintain relationships later on not the other way round. In my case I also feel like I have been parenting one of my own parents all my adult life so that also has an impact on my own thoughts. I would not want my DC to feel the way I have over the last 30 years.

Oh don’t be so ridiculous! She said nothing of the sort!