Relationship changed with adult children. Is this normal? Please share your experience.

[Crystalcrazy]

Hello.

Im looking for advice please and other people’s experiences.

I have two adult children in their late twenties.

They both own their own homes and have partners. My eldest has a one year old baby.

We used to be so close. One lives local and we’d see each other every week for a nice evening together and message or call in between.

The other lives a few hours away and we kept in touch via phone weekly.

I now find contact is only when I initiate this and we now rarely see each other.

I understand they have their own family’s and both work full time (as do I) but it all feels so sad.

My daughter has been on maternity leave for a year.

I have mentioned how I feel and that I would like to see her and my grandchild more. But I’m just told she’s busy.

I don’t know what to do to make this better, I don’t think it will ever go back to how it was.

Do I ease off and wait for them to contact me?

Is this a normal part of life?

As someone on maternity leave with an almost 1 year old, I can sympathise with your daughter. I really hate the pressure from our families to "visit" all the time just because I'm on maternity leave - they stay for hours and it's just too much. Life is so busy with a baby, and theres so much to do - I can get chores done and turn them into games with my baby, during one of her naps its my chance to rest as the baby wakes a lot at night, she gets distracted during breastfeeding so its not easy to have a conversation with anyone. I just dont want someone in my house for half a day, even if it is my own mum.

Like your daughter, I do see a lot of my mum friends. It's so much less pressure, we can be late/leave early/dip in and out of conversations.

Weekends are my husbands time to see our baby, my time to have some chill time, and time for the three of us to do things together.

I think its absolutely fine to see your parents once a month when youve got your own family.

You are entitled to be sad about it of course, but that doesnt translate to your daughters needing to do anything about it unfortunately.

I'm sorry your children have experienced trauma and loss, but what does this have to do with their upbringing and their attachment? Presumably you have set a nurturing and healthy foundation in their early years so they felt safe at home and have had the opportunity to process the trauma.

Lots of parents like to be in denial. I get it. It must be so hard to admit to yourself that one might have done things that didn't serve the children well and they might struggle because of it. Lots of minds can't go there.

I do understand as the examples from my own childhood are not at all trivial. I guess I should be glad my children only have petty and trivial things to complain about?

OP might not have done anything particularly wrong. I know when I was in my 20s I was busy managing life and wrapped up in having babies and building my family. I came back to my parents more later. This is very common. Mine have stayed closer to me than I stayed to my parents during this time period. My own parents moved across the world from theirs during this time period. People just approach things differently, and it doesn't mean someone did something wrong.

The main point is that every parent does things wrong and that don't serve the children. Some with bigger things, some with smaller less significant things. But every parent does it. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. Understanding that is important because it puts parents in a place where it is easier for them to acknowledge their own mistakes when we understand that no-one gets it right all the time.

I think, for children, it's the acknowledgement of how they felt that counts most. We don't have to agree with their take on it, or how fair they felt it was, but we can still understand it was hard for them, or we could have done it different. But that's hindsight for you.

No it doesn't mean that. I just don't understand why as a parent you wouldn't welcome the suggestion to reflect. Lots of parents here are so quick to shut it down. If there is nothing to be found then great, but I personally doubt it. One can always benefit from gaining more insight about oneself and improve relationships in ones own life. It leads to a more peaceful and brighter life as opposed to being anxious or this or that. The OP is clearly anxious and insecure. She could do some work to try and handle that herself as opposed to bringing it into the relationship with her daughter.

You see, unlike you lots of parents can't actually see that and that's how estrangement happens because it gets carried into the adult relationship.

The OP said their childhood was amazing, which I find so bizzare. Why the need to mention and why call it amazing out of all things.

There will always be something to be found because we're human. I agree that OP's feelings are hers to handle and she should do so outside the relationship. Maybe try to put herself in her DD's shoes and realise it may not be personal (or adjust if she thinks she needs to).

On the whole, it might have been a great childhood. Guaranteed there are things that weren't amazing though.

On the flip side though, I think understanding that no parent is perfect and no childhood is perfect can also lead a mature adult child to have some grace towards their parents, especially if they are parents themselves. Talking about everyday kind of failures here.

Again, being human doesn't result in a poor or difficult relationship.

It could indeed be the daughter is just busy and they aren't actually having the kind of relationship the OP thought they have. What's clear is that both are not on the same page and are possibly not understanding each other about what is happening. How did that happen I want to ask? I don't believe in these things happening without a reason or precedence.

What does a great childhood look like?

I think you will find that children and adult children tolerate A LOT before even considering to step back. They are wired to want to have parents and a relationship. They will tolerate what would be unacceptable in any other relationship until they can't. Stepping back is absolutely devastating and an act of self preservation. I somehow don't think you have been there. My parents are human, but I cannot be around them because it is damaging to my health.

@WhichTeam Yes, I’m 51 and my relationship with my Dad (Mum died years ago) has also shifted in middle age. I had quite a difficult childhood and my Dad caused many of the problems that we experienced. He really shouldn’t have become a parent, he’s far too unstable.

But I’ve come to terms with it and give him a lot of support tbh. I suppose I’m similar to the OP in that I’ve tried to learn from the experience and parent very differently. I have few expectations of him and I don’t resent him for the past, because I can’t see
the point. It won’t change anything.

I hope that the OP’s children aren’t punishing her by not keeping touch. If they are angry with her, best to get it out in the open. I think they’re probably just engrossed in their own lives.

Don't think I don't have a clue. My DH is NC with his parents. I've lived through that.

I also suspect it's most likely they are just engrossed in their lives.

I have parented very differently from my parents. My children report positive feelings about childhood on the whole, though no childhood is perfect (not necessarily because of the parents even. There are always happenings outside the family that impact them). My father was also the unstable type and even abusive. However I do get on very well with him these days. He has mellowed a lot (probably because he's no longer anxious we are going to turn out bad).

On the other hand, adult children can be something to reckon with. My children's complaints are more like things about the dog example I gave. To them it's a big thing but I'm not going to feel bad about making the necessarily and responsible decision on that at the time.

Adult children can change too and become very different people. One of mine has married into money. Her DH went to the very top elite schools and has never known anything like the childhood I had and worked my way up from. I think it was a point of contention in their marriage early on that we didn't just hand them large sums of money like his parents did. I couldn't even if I wanted to. No-one gave us any kind of money to help us get started. If that had resulted in my child stepping away from us, then that would have been on them and I'd be very sad that their values had become so materialistic. Instead expectations seem to have been adjusted.

I gave the example of the dog because it's what my DC currently harps on about. I shut it down firmly the other day. I'm done with that topic and will pull back myself if it doesn't stop. She's ND so I suspect it's the current fixation.

I'm sorry. But I can't help but point out that this hasn't been your emotional experience but your husband's. You didn't live his childhood and they weren't your parents. You didn't rely on them as an infant and didn't have to attach in a dysfunctional way as a 2yr old to try and be loved and survive only to have to give up on the idea of having parents as an adult.

It's great that you can see your parents as 'they are human'. I wish that this would have been all I needed to see in mine. Unfortunately this is just one layer of them with many more ugly layers underneath.

Your difficulties with your parents might have more substance than someone with smaller issues, but every child has them none the less. Yours will too.

I didn't say it was my experience but I have been the supporter of my DH through all of it, so I do have a clue, if not the personal experience. And his parents cut him off btw. That's a whole different experience again.

I am sorry you had a bad childhood but you are hugely projecting on this thread and I don't think what you say is relevant to the OP's situation at all.

We don't know nearly enough to tell what is going on in OP's situation. There. That was your projection of assuming it's not relevant. We just don't know. I think that's as objective as we can be, even though you think you know ;-)

I fully understand how you feel OP

No we don't. And there would be the DD's side and the truth would probably be in the middle.

Nor do we know enough of your story to know if you are reasonable or not with your own parents. If talking to you I'd take your truth at face value, but I'd know that there is another story that's part of it all that might change things drastically.

Some of the responses on here are incredibly off the mark.

For those people asking me to truly reflect on my own behaviour and suggesting that I must have done something, I haven’t.

My Daughter is besotted with her partner. He is quite controlling and I know that how close me and my daughter were used to irritate him.

He has made comments about it previously, the type of thing such as cutting the apron strings.

When my daughter had the baby, I had expected to be able to visit them in hospital and was so excited. However I was told that they weren’t accepting any visits from anyone as they wanted to spend that time alone as a family of three and subsequently didn’t want any visitors for the first few weeks.

I was a a little bit disappointed in this but tried to understand and didn’t mention how I felt.

I have been asked to give up work to provide childcare. I can’t do this, I’m on my own and have to work full time to pay the bills.

I sometime wonder if I’ve done too much in that past, given too much. My whole life has been devoted to making them happy.

It always raises red flags for me when I see a parent blame the partner. Comments such as cutting the apron strings may mean they feel you were too intrusive. If your daughter wanted you to visit in the first weeks, she could have advocated for that. I think the waiting weeks for visitors things is nuts, but I'm thinking that would be something they decided as a couple.

Now, it is possible they have some resentment over you not giving up work to provide some childcare, but they are wrong for feeling that kind of entitlement if that is the case. Of course you need to work to pay bills. Maybe your daughter would have gone back part-time if she'd had to cover less childcare hours and is upset about that?

It's all just throwing things out there to consider. Anyway, they have drawn their boundaries, of course you should have yours. Don't give more than you are willing.

I’m the child in this situation so I’ll offer you my perspective:

I’m close with my mum, I moved out, had two kids and at first would message everyday. Soon after my first was born I found myself feeling almost mentally too busy to message everyday, I messaged as often as I remembered. But now, 6ish years later I probably message a couple times a week with something or another. We also have a big family group chat so if that counts I’ll message in there most days too.

My mum also works full time so I like to think she isn’t just sat around waiting for her children to make contact 🤣

but basically, it’s nothing untoward, it’s just life gets in the way and I think about my mum everyday because she’s wonderful, I’m sure your children do too

I have 2 adult sons and I find the relationships ebb and flow over time most of the time it is me or my DH initiating the contact but not always. One of my sons has a lovely partner and family and the other is single so the amount and type of contact can be different but being different is not necessarily better or worse it’s just the way it is.
We still work so can’t do regular childcare but we see our grandchildren regularly with my son and his partner, they have sleepovers at our house and we can help out in an emergency.
What I don’t do is wait around for my adult kids to find time for me in their busy lives, as well as working I have my friends and hobbies and have a full and interesting life with my DH. Sometimes I’m busy when my children would like to catch up and I think that’s a healthy relationship to have.
OP I would suggest you find productive ways to fill this extra free time something like hobby groups, studying or volunteering can bring new friends into your life and indeed give you more to talk about with your children when you do see them.

It appears that whatever I say you will always find something that’s a “red flag”.

I asked for other people’s experiences, not to be made to feel like I somehow must have done something wrong.