Relationship changed with adult children. Is this normal? Please share your experience.

[Crystalcrazy]

Hello.

Im looking for advice please and other people’s experiences.

I have two adult children in their late twenties.

They both own their own homes and have partners. My eldest has a one year old baby.

We used to be so close. One lives local and we’d see each other every week for a nice evening together and message or call in between.

The other lives a few hours away and we kept in touch via phone weekly.

I now find contact is only when I initiate this and we now rarely see each other.

I understand they have their own family’s and both work full time (as do I) but it all feels so sad.

My daughter has been on maternity leave for a year.

I have mentioned how I feel and that I would like to see her and my grandchild more. But I’m just told she’s busy.

I don’t know what to do to make this better, I don’t think it will ever go back to how it was.

Do I ease off and wait for them to contact me?

Is this a normal part of life?

That's quite the reach you made there!

She only says she wishes they could go back to spending an evening together - no reason why the GC couldn't be there too!

Its hard to say for sure without knowing your children, but it sounds rude to me if they never return calls etc

Yes of course life is busy with young kids/work/general life. But can they not send WhatsApp updates once a week or similar?

If you didnt initiate contact how long would it be before they contacted you?

I would be tempted to take a step back.

She’s in a different phase of life, probably overwhelmed as a new mother. A new baby in the family forces everyone’s identity to change even though we didn’t ask for it. Give her time and see what happens, keep the avenues for contact open. Don’t burn your bridges by complaining at her right now.

I’m not saying this is the case for you but my mother would say my childhood was amazing but it was actually very difficult, because of her and my father. Maybe your perception is correct but a little honest reflection never hurt anyone.

Since you work ft I guess you can only see them in evenings and weekends but this is their time together as a new family. Suggest a Sunday lunch at yours once a month and see how that is received perhaps?

I would stop ringing then. It's obvious she doesn't want to talk on the phone for whatever reason (too tired, busy or something else).
Whatever the reason you're putting pressure on her by constantly ringing.

A weekly phonecall sounds like a lot in the first place.

Text instead. A breezy non demanding text where she can reply in her own time might seem a downgrade from a weekly phonecall but you have a higher chance of getting a reply.

Me and my adult DCs text regularly in the week, sending memes, links, wordle results. We can go days without texting, it's not a big deal. And we have a catch up call every couple of weeks.

Weird assumption to have made.

I disagree with people saying it's normal, I think their behaviour sounds rude and insensitive.
I live a distance from my parents and I was very keen for my kids to have a relationship with them so I constantly sent photos and updates of them when they were babies & rang regularly to share news.

There is no reason your children can't send a quick text or WhatsApp most days, it literally takes seconds to do.

Are you on your own? Your posts sound like you are.

It sounds normal to me. When I was in my 20s and 30s I didn't have a huge amount do with my parents. I was busy with my own children, my parents were still young(ish) and busy themselves, so there wasn't much need to be visiting often or checking in.

Now our parents are in their 70s, I've found we've gone back to being in touch with them more frequently. Even if it's just to hear about the most recent medical appointments and coffee mornings. But the need to do that is there now when it wasn't 20 years ago. And our kids are adults, so I'm less tied up with their lives.

I think expecting to meet up every week is too much. They get two days a week off work once she returns to work. That’s two days to not just get the boring stuff done but also to relax and maybe a trip out as their new family.

Having one of those days taken up as granny day becomes effort and then what about the other granny. Now you’ve lost the whole weekend every weekend. Sure a weeknight could work but don’t forget friends and hobbies as well.

Surely granny also has friends and hobbies and then getting those days to align is a problem.

Have you tried a family WhatsApp both children, their parents and you and your dh. That way it can just be pleasant chatter and sharing back and forth.

I wonder if this is affected by your own experience growing up?
My parents lived near lots of older relatives & I was one of the first in the family to move away.

I grew up watching them visit and be closely involved in their relatives lives so I think i saw that as the right thing to do & have always kept in quite close contact with them & visited very regularly.
My kids text their grandparents regularly now too & still come to visit quite often even though they are older. I suppose that feels normal to them.

What was your kids experience of you interacting with your parents etc, OP?

I would be sad about this too OP, but having said that, I can remember times in my own life (I'm in my 50s now) when I didn't often see or speak to my parents. Basically when I was very busy with my own life - I think we tend to take our parents for granted! I still loved and valued them.

I would carry on as you are, keep initiating, keep offering babysitting, but also try to keep the offers light and happy and don't feel hurt or offended if they say no.

There's no point in looking backwards, things move on and relationships change, but you may find that you are closer again at some time in the future.

I don't agree that it is 'normal'. When I became a Mother it was my Mum that I leaned into for support and help. I saw more of my parents when I was on mat leave because I had the time to. Although they were busy themselves working they always loved seeing their DGC and prioritised time for them. If your calls are falling on deaf ears then that must be very painful, if you are close to your DD have you tried to talk to her about it?

I would be sad about this, too and have been guilty of this with my own parents.

I disagree with PPs that said stop initiating the calls - this may be applicable to friendships but not parent-child relationships.

The latter is not equal and you and your children will go through differing stages of availability, need and closeness but, provided there is no backstory, the bond remains unconditional.
Keep initiating, keep supporting them and one day they will come back again knowing that you were always there for them.
And one day, when you are gone, they will look back remember how you never gave up on them.

Well, there is. The baby needs routine, her daughter is probably exhausted after working all day. There’s no reason she can’t go and be a more present grandparent if she wants that to happen.

I would also add, never guilt trip or manipulate them. Call etc and if they say they are busy then say: “I understand and let me know if I can help with meals or babysitting etc”.
My parents never made comments about my lack of availability or contact and I look back and am in awe of how much support they gave me without expectations of anything in return.

I would feel sad too OP.
But I think this is the natural rhythm of life.
You have raised 2 independent DC, with their own homes and families, lots of adult DC at that age that haven't flown the nest but yours are working, with families and with their own homes. Something to be really proud of!
But of course you miss them, that's natural, I'm guessing that your schedules clash as everyone works full time so is only available at evenings,which are not practical or weekends which for your DC are probably really busy. How often do they see their partners parents?
I would invite them all over once a month for Sunday lunch, see how that goes, and keep initiating contact, phone text, etc doesn't matter if it's you that always does it.
Not everyones families are the same, I did have friends who live round the corner from their parents and ate always in each other houses, I also know people who only see their parents every few months and then lots of people in between.
You can't turn back the clock, I think parents particularly mums often feel sadness at the passing of time.
Out of interest did you see your parents a lot when your DC were young? Just wondering if they are modelling how often their saw their own GP? But most likely it's just that life is very busy.

Seems totally normal to me
They work have kids and a partner and a home to look after
They do not have a lot of free time
I love my parents who love very close to me but I certainly do not see or talk to them every week

LunarLights1 She says she wishes it could go back to how it used to be. AKA without the child.

There's a group of people on MN whose instinct is to find the most uncharitable and unpleasant interpretation of any AIBU posted.

You should apply to join. You'll be a shoo-in.

I used to speak to my mum every night, but she would often ring me rather than wait for me to call. It is really hard with a young child and working, I would often be very tired, and maybe wouldn't have spoken so often if she hadn't been on her own.

You said she lived locally? We used to have dinner at my mums every Wednesday without fail. She’d make enough so we’d leave with leftovers. I mean we had a close relationship anyway, but the fact that two night a week I was eating mum’s cooking was a bonus.

Have you suggested things like going to a farm to do children’s Halloween activities? Maybe suggest a day out that’s centred on the baby?

I distanced myself from my mother when I had my child, mainly because I realised how toxic she was/is and didn’t have the mental energy to deal with it any more.

If you don’t suspect this is the case, I would make sure you’re actually asking about the child and her life and not monologuing about your own when you actually do talk. My mum does this and it drives me crazy. I would offer help that isn’t necessarily child related, aka help cleaning or cooking. And I’d absolutely stop calling or ask if your daughter even WANTS to be called. I explained endlessly to my mum that I hated phone calls/couldn’t be called at certain times and she just ignored me and did whatever was convenient for her.

My mother never, ever initiates any sort of meet up. Rarely calls me (although always very happy when I call her), and never suggests visits or organises get-togethers. Her reason is that she 'doesn't want to impose'. The consequence is that 'maintain relationship with mother' is one more item on my to-do list. I love her. But I wish she would pick up a bit of the relationship work.

Your DCs' to-do lists right now will be enormous. You making the running towards staying in touch may actually help them. Not just 'oh I wish I could see you' (that's not relationship maintenance, it's just guilt tripping) but 'how about we meet on this day, at this time, to do this specific thing?' Try being the one who organises for a while and see if it helps.

How and when did the distancing start?
Did something happen? An argument? Did you overstep (according to them)?
Has this come out of nowhere?

It sounds odd.

This is certainly not the case.