Relationship changed with adult children. Is this normal? Please share your experience.

[Crystalcrazy]

Hello.

Im looking for advice please and other people’s experiences.

I have two adult children in their late twenties.

They both own their own homes and have partners. My eldest has a one year old baby.

We used to be so close. One lives local and we’d see each other every week for a nice evening together and message or call in between.

The other lives a few hours away and we kept in touch via phone weekly.

I now find contact is only when I initiate this and we now rarely see each other.

I understand they have their own family’s and both work full time (as do I) but it all feels so sad.

My daughter has been on maternity leave for a year.

I have mentioned how I feel and that I would like to see her and my grandchild more. But I’m just told she’s busy.

I don’t know what to do to make this better, I don’t think it will ever go back to how it was.

Do I ease off and wait for them to contact me?

Is this a normal part of life?

@BMW6you come across as being very mean and rude. Do you have children?

@Crystalcrazy I understand how you feel. I’m very close with my adult children and would feel very bad if they cut me out of their life. I don’t know why people keep saying maybe it had something to do with their childhood. Nowadays, this generation of children cut off their parents for very flimsy excuses. They blame their parents for everything that goes wrong with them even if it’s because of their own mistakes.

Thank you @BluntPlumHamfor this comment

You sound like a wonderful mum and it sounds just like normal dynamics of a young family forming their own family unit.

I'd fill your life with other activities. At some point your children will realise the relationship needs their input. They've relied on you to facilitate it and taken it for granted. Their lives are fuller so they don't miss you as much as you do them.

Make your life busier. It will change things. You'll never lose them completely but the dynamic has changed.

I see a lot of one of my adult children and not the others but tbh life is so busy I'm very happy with this. You need to find this place in life and know it doesn't represent any of the hurtful remarks that have been said. It's a transition to independent adulthood

I agree with you, thanks for sharing. I see my parents less since having children because I've come to realise it was abusive. But they wouldn't hear me if I talked to them about it. They think my childhood was amazing. I have not desire to fight with them. So I see them but less. Your situation sounded similar on the face of it but very different with these details.

The only thing I would add is that life is so hard at the moment with pressures around cost of living, having children that you want to raise with kindness and managing a job with little help. I'm exhausted. Maybe that bits similar

You’ve been a good parent and you can continue to be a good parent. It’s just that being a good parent to adult kids means being there when they need you and being the one who always instigates the calls or offers to help. Being a good parent to adult kids isn’t related to social time, they don’t need that from you anymore.

It’s fine to feel lonely and sad but actually it’s the result of being a good parent and equipping your kids to live fulfilled independent lives.

Maybe your daughter is really secure. Maybe she knows that she can let the ball drop that is you. Maybe shes keeping a hundred other balls afloat and is so glad that youre just there. No gard work. She can even neglect you but because you're so constant, so consistent, so awesome that you can take this. Everyone else in her life is demanding. You're not.

Its an awesome place to be even if its hard in way your dd doesn't understand.

We can't win. My dd hates me asking about her life

I don't recognise that as family life in the UK. Nearly everyone I know with kids has extended family around and everyone helps one another.

OP, would they come round for nice relaxed Sunday lunches? Once a month, perhaps?

I'm sure she meant that she just wishes that the relationships were as close as they used to be, not that she wishes she didn't have a grandchild.

Does your daughter with the baby spend a lot of time with her in-laws? What is your relationship like with your son-in-law?

I'd probably pull back a bit and give them some space and see what happens. I'd also stop paying for a family holiday if they are now going off and doing their own thing, leaving you on your own.

Where is their dad in all this? Are you divorced? If so, do they see more of him?

Maybe they are just run off their feet and tired. My dc are younger than yours but i am trying to be positive with interactions. To keep conversation happy. It's so easy to fall into negative vibes. If there really is nothing they could be upset about their childhood, carry on making the effort and give it time.

I speak to my mother occasionally, I suspect she’d like it to be more often but she unlike you rarely bothers to call. It’s like it only counts if I call, and this somehow validates the relationship more. I wouldn’t worry if you are initiating and would not read into it too
kuch, normal for kids to leave the nest. Make sure the calls are 2 way and not all about you and avoid moaning:leaning on your kids too much (use your friends for this), would be my only other advice.

She's prioritising her child, just like you've always prioritised her.

It sounds like you've gone out of your way to give your kids a good start in life and have a close relationship with them, but you can't now act like they owe you something as a result.

It seems like she wants to spend the majority of time enjoying 'her' family at the moment, and that's perfectly normal. Just give her some space and let her make some memories.

the way you are feeling is fairly usual I would say. When someone has a baby they have created a new family of their own, and often want to do things with their own family. I certainly did, and my MIL was not happy. I love my MIL but she was so heavily invested in my DH’s life that she found it difficult to adjust, maybe like you are now. Her childhood was not good, and she worked so hard to ensure DH’s and his brother’s childhood was good, that the letting go stage was heartbreaking for her. We see her once every 4-6 weeks, which is genuinely all we can fit in at the moment. I find her quite suffocating and she still treats DH as a child. She also doesn’t have many hobbies of her own to fill her time, although this is improving now.
Your involvement in your DCs lives might increase in the future, but in the meantime I would also ensure that your own life is fulfilling and full of exciting things, it will definitely help.

Keep initiating but back off slightly. I suspect your worry and insecurities may be making you initiate contact more than they’re comfortable with.

every few weeks is a fair amount. She’s busy and has a family and you work full time.

I see my mum once every 4-6 weeks. It’s enough for me as my weekends are precious and I have my dad and PIL to see too, although I see them a lot less often.

My mum does make comments about seeing me more and I have to admit I find it irritating as I feel like that pretty much monthly is quite a lot, and I invite her on holidays etc.

You’ve said your piece now so don’t nag

Yes you have to instigate contact. They're busy and focused on their kids. So instigate contact. If you want to see them more then see them more, but don't expect them to contact you to ask you to come spend time with your child and grandchild.

I haven't seen my dad in 6 months. He hasn't asked and I'm certainly not asking him to spend time with his grandkids. That's not my job, if he wants to see them he will. If he doesn't bother then that's his loss.

Your kids growing up and having their kids has moved your position in their family. For young adults parents are still the center of the family. Now your children are the centers of their own family, you are on the sideline. It doesn't all revolve around you, it revolves around their kids, fall into orbit or be lost.

What a grim attitude.
I wonder if you will feel the same when your own kids can't be bothered with you on the future?
No doubt you will have lots of hobbies and a fun, interesting life so you won't care.

But in reality when you are in that position you will.

Agree. Relationships work two ways. It's true that the children will be first priority but that doesn't mean everyone else has to do the work to maintain the relationship while you focus on them. Otherwise one day you'll find your kids have grown and flown, they're not making the effort with you because they learned it wasn't their job, and suddenly, you realise you have no-one.

I have a image of your dad sitting alone staring at the phone not wanting to intrude on your life because he knows your busy and is just hoping you’ll call and invite him round, (I’m sure that’s not the case as you know your dad and I don’t but I hope you’ve considered he might have a different perspective to you)

Also OP shouldn’t just go and see them more, they’re busy and that would be overstepping

I would also say with parents and children things should flow downwards, you provide for them, they don’t provide for you, you love them more than anything else in the world and they then in turn love their own children more than anything else in the world. It’s never a completely equal relationship, it’s a unique one and a blessing but a healthy one is where your children launch and build their own lives. That does mean you may fall back a bit, but it’s just what it is, you are the launchpad and they are the rockets. Be proud they are out there and they are fine. So keep checking in on them and in time you’ll get a bit more back when the kids aren’t so intense etc.

My mum would say the same thing. We didn’t, she’s incredibly emotionally immature and I ignored it all in my 20’s but as soon as I had my own kids I could barely stand to be near her for a good few years and put a lot of distance between us. It’s a bit better now but will never be the same and never be the relationship she hopes because she can’t accept she did anything negative and as a result I can’t forgive someone who can’t take accountability.

Maybe truly reflect?

My parents made quite a few mistakes too when I was a child & perhaps could be described this way.

I found that I questioned things when my children were small but as they got older and my relationship with them & parenting them became more complex I had more sympathy with my parents.

No one is perfect and I am sure my kids could list heaps of things I have done wrong, I just hope they don't hold it against me in later years.

Every parent messes up in some way - either they are too strict, or too lax, too overbearing, don't spend enough time with their kids etc etc.

I think unless clear abuse happened we need to be kinder to our parents who in the most part are just people trying to do their best.
The OP sounds like that kind of parent.

Not at all. My dad knows he doesn't bother with his kids or grandkids. His priorities are himself and enjoying his life. He has stated this. He was never actually bothered about us when we were kids so it's no surprise. He's not a lonely old man, he's 50 with his friends and girlfriend that are far more fun and interesting than our kids.

Agree with this. Family whatsapp group is a great way to share photis, messages, "saw this and thought of you", book recommendations etc

My DMIL phones every week. Lovely though she is, these calls are often at inconvenient times

When you were their age, how much contact did you have with your parents? TBH, I was wrapped up in my own life and rather took mine for granted. I think that's common