Relationship changed with adult children. Is this normal? Please share your experience.

[Crystalcrazy]

Hello.

Im looking for advice please and other people’s experiences.

I have two adult children in their late twenties.

They both own their own homes and have partners. My eldest has a one year old baby.

We used to be so close. One lives local and we’d see each other every week for a nice evening together and message or call in between.

The other lives a few hours away and we kept in touch via phone weekly.

I now find contact is only when I initiate this and we now rarely see each other.

I understand they have their own family’s and both work full time (as do I) but it all feels so sad.

My daughter has been on maternity leave for a year.

I have mentioned how I feel and that I would like to see her and my grandchild more. But I’m just told she’s busy.

I don’t know what to do to make this better, I don’t think it will ever go back to how it was.

Do I ease off and wait for them to contact me?

Is this a normal part of life?

I would feel how you feel. I’m not in exactly the same position but when I feel I’m being taken too much for granted I try and keep busy and step back a bit.
I try and be quite upbeat with them and not let them know how I am feeling as they are busy and I’m pleased they have their own lives even though I miss them being young.
With my son we have an agreement that he will call me as he works erratic hours - he knows it’s not that I don’t want to call him but I am available at more times than him.
Do you have a family WhatsApp group? I usually find a picture of the cat or link to an article prompts a few catch up messages!

Your children are not there to be your social life. If they are now living independent lives with their own partners and children, congratulations! You’ve done your job. Be happy for them. Be there when they need you, but focus on building your own independent life now that they don’t need you nearly so much.

I feel for you and can totally understand how you feel. As others have said you should feel proud you have raised confident , independent children who are off doing their own thing. I don’t think you have done anything wrong it’s just they aren’t thinking about you and are taking you for granted. I was very close with my mum even after I left home and I don’t regret that . She was my best friend and I made the effort to see her. She needs to remember you will always have her back and those friends will come and go. Mums are precious. I lost mine a month ago.

This is my experience too, Op. I have a son who lives about 40 minutes away and my daughter is abroad, 10,000 miles away. I don't hear much from them at all.

I'm still busy though. I'm 56, I have a DH, we both work and have nice holidays etc. But, like you, I find the lack of contact a bit insulting. Or rather, it makes me wonder whether I'm even likeable (I tend to catastrophise).

We have a family whatsapp, and I post in there for contact. But it can be days before I get a reply.

What's really jarring, is that their Dad is placed on a pedestal, despite him doing far less parenting than me. He was overly strict with them and never generous. I was the opposite.

I watch my sister being a super mum right now (her kids are still young), she really really spoils her children, and I can already see that they aren't that grateful. I feel like tipping her off, that in 5 years they'll bugger off and none of this spoiling and treats and money spending will be remembered.

But obviously, I don't say that. 😂

I can but hope, that kids get closer when they have children themselves, although I see that's not happened (yet) for you, and let's face it, when my DD has kids, I'll rarely see them, as they're so far away.

So, no solutions for you Op, but I definitely hear you.

I was taking with a couple of friends yesterday in similar situations to you OP. I think it's the realisation when the grandchildren come along that you are no longer the hub of the family and in charge. They've got their own families/partners now and have become adults. Unless you're involved in regular childcare (which is not always possible due to working and/or distance) then you can feel a bit superfluous and even ousted. In trying to bridge that gap one friend has initiated monthly sunday lunches, another reads a bedtime story twice a week via facetime with her 4yo grandaughter who now lives overseas and also sends postcards (everyone loves receiving post). It is difficult to get the balance right as every family is different, as time moves on family's evolve and change, and try to come across as interested rather than needy. Maybe have a chat and talk about what would specifically work for you both?

I think this is going to be the story for many mothers and fathers in this era of child centric parenting. Kids are taught that the world revolves around them and it makes them selfish as a result. Even so many posters are automatically assuming that the OP must have done something wrong instead of realising that the simple explanation is that the daughters are self absorbed and thoughtless towards their mother.

Different culture from UK, but life didn't revolve around us children and we were brought up valuing parents and there was an expectation that we would help them like they helped us etc. The 'my little family' nuclear family focus of this generation is not healthy nor beneficial in the long run. And I think society in the UK is a lot less happy as a result.

In other words: children don't put up with and ignore what isn't good enough anymore. They focus on their own needs and happiness.

If the relationship is nurturing and nourishing for them they will come back. People don't leave what makes them happy.

..... life is always a bit more complex. Did you shout at them lots, shame them or ever hit them? My childhood seemed amazing but all the above happened

Yes like the PP you seem very confident they had amazing childhoods, but I wonder what they think? It sounds like it was definitely way better than you experienced, but it sounds like you swung so far the other way, as you say yourself, they may have found it suffocating or too much.

Is there any chance you have, to some extent, lived through them, which is why it's so hard now you're not as involved? Every parent-child relationship is complex with good and bad elements and it sounds like you're not open to that complexity, which might mean they feel like they couldn't bring anything up with you that they wish was different.

That's just a theory. It could also be straight busyness of course, but it is interesting that you're not being asked as a provider of potentially very useful help on the weekends for example.

If there was a chance of criticism, do you think you could bear to ask your child more openly if you're doing ok supporting them right now, is there anything they would wish you were doing differently?

This stage in life is really hard, little ones don’t always sleep, you can still be finding your feet etc. it’s not about you and your feelings OP. Keep up staying in contact and checking in on your kids. i expect I’ll be chasing mine dowm in due course, it’s just the way it is. In time when they have more space to breathe they will probably pick up the phone and call you first. But that won’t happen if you put more pressure on right now.

This ^
i had this with my relatives - they were at work during the day and wanted to talk in the evenings, it was super difficult.
I also noticed that sometimes parents give out too much advices too soon and it puts off, it’s better to let adult children to make their own decisions and mistakes.
I also wonder how much you have in common with your own children in reality. If you were colleagues would you have a good friendly relationship? Looking that way might help you to find a common ground and a new role for yourself in their life.

No, all of what you describe is abuse.

After suffering these type of behaviours, and worse, from my own parents as a child, I am on the complete opposite scale.

We don’t even raise our voices at each other.

Sometimes this can mean conflict avoidance, and that can be a negative dynamic in itself. My DH and family conflict avoided themselves all the way to NC.

No parent is perfect and your children will have things they didn't think of as great. It's just life and you're not a mind reader.

I think what you describe is pretty common at this stage of life for your children. It doesn't mean anything is wrong. I think it's also pretty common for adult children and parents to have different ideas of what kind of contact they want and the frequency. That's where you sometimes have to have give and take, or accept that things are different than your ideal, but you do have contact. Is it something you can gently talk to them about, being open that they may not want to change things, and that's okay, it just needs adaptation of expections? It sounds like everyone in your family is very busy.

My children know about my childhood.

I have openly asked them in the past if they had a happy childhood and the answer was yes.

That wasn’t said to please me, it was a truthful answer. They were surprised I felt the need to ask but the reason is I need to be sure that they never felt the way I did.

I have asked them why they think we don’t spend as much time together as we used to.

The answer is that they’re always busy.

On a weekend they do a lot of activities and visit places. I see the photos so know this is the case.

I honestly think the situation is that due to work and everyone having busy lives, there isn’t always a lot of spare time.

And they seem to be consumed in their own little family units now.

And I get that, I just wish I was included more.

Sorry op but your kids should make more effort with you. Having lost my parent in my early 30s the only thing I wished was for
more time with them. I hope your kids realise that there are few relationships in life that are worth maintaining and the ones with your parents are at the top of the list.

OP, I disagree with many on here, I suspect it's because your children are happy and off living their own lives that they forget to call you, and that you can sometimes be a victim of your own success. My happiest child calls less than my unhappiest child and that is because they are spreading their wings, busy with friends, having relationships, and in your dd's case, has a small child to nurture and work to consider.

I think it's ok to express you'd love to see more of them, but that just isn't how life is right now. It sounds like they genuinely are busy. I think the only solution is for you to get busy yourself with your own life, and sad though it is, let them get on with theirs with as much contact and as little discussion over what they 'should' be doing as possible.

These things ebb and flow, and if you are around, don't make anyone feel bad and don't make your happiness dependent on them, then my guess is they will include you as much as they can and that new opportunities, say, with your grandchildren will open up too.

It seems straight forward then - everyone is busy.

I think some people are just not bothered and become wrapped up in their own lives. I have young school aged children but see my Dad at least once a week and phone him every day, my Mum has passed away now but I would also see her at least once a week if she was well enough.

DH and I would be pleased not to hear from DCs as that meant their lives were going well - they would phone if, for example, they felt they’d been treated unfairly at work or not got a bonus.
I think DD is going to be v busy with her baby - it’s early days, I can’t believe they won’t want some childcare help in the future. Bide your time. Are you on WhatsApp? It’s very easy then for DD to send pictures of baby -easier for her than phone calls.

Kindly, I think you need to try and find something else to focus on and fill your time. It’s lovely that you want to spend time with your children and grandchildren but if you don’t have anything else to fill your time that becomes the main focus. It means that your happiness is dictated by someone else’s availability. That’s a lot of pressure to put on other people.

In your children’s defence. It’s hard to find the time to raise children, provide enriching activities, work, eat well, exercise, maintain a relationship with your partner and stay sane before you start adding extended family into the mix. If you’re not the only parent or grandparent then the list of ‘weekly’ obligations to other people become endless. Everyone feels entitled to your time and you’re somehow supposed to be grateful and survive on the dregs that are left once everyone else’s needs have been met.

Relationships ebb and flow. If you want to maintain a good one ease off a bit. Stop mentioning how much you miss them and want to see them. You could inadvertently be adding extra pressure and guilt tripping them.

As for the annual holiday. That’s also a very big commitment. Whilst it’s generous of you are you sure they want to go? We go away with relatives occasionally but it’s quite common for us all to break off and do our own thing throughout the week. Before you offer again I’d be clear about what everyone’s expectations are and what you all want out of it. Perhaps a shorter break would work better?

I believe you when you say your dc had a happy childhood.

do you cook? Gathering for a meal seems to be doable for most families. Even if you have to make it and transport it to them.

I would tell your daughter you would like to see her/ DH/ dc more and see if getting together for an evening meal works for them

don’t give up. I do think being available and willing to help with dc will come into play soon enough. even going over in the evening so they can get caught up on laundry or errands or other life admin. I hate to make it seem like you “have to be doing something helpful” but this dynamic seems to be the most effective in spending time together

If dd has been on maternity leave for a year it’s not a new baby and she’s not working! Of course the baby should be getting to know grandma. For whatever reason, the op has been dumped. She won’t be when she’s needed and no doubt presents will be bought.

im sorry @Crystalcrazy but what role has the baby’s father in this? My Dsis stopped seeing DM due to controlling partner - is this a possibility.

Other DD (further away) does she see her sister? Can she come and stay with you? My DDs ask to stay with us. Which we like! No chasing them. Ws leave it until they need a country break.

Sounds to me like she is miffed about something. Either that or her partner wants her to pull away from you for some reason. Do you think you might have upset them in any way?

Ease off and let them contact you. It’s the only option left really. You’ve tried asking and appealing and it’s not changed anything.

Are you busy in life generally? The only thing I can think of is that they might feel pressured by you “needing” them too much for too long.

I agree with @QuietLifeNoDrama, ease off abit. Many people in their 20’s are out there enjoying being adults and having complete autonomy from their parents. Tbh, it sounds as if you did a great job helping your children to develop the confidence and life skills to spread their wings.

If your DD isn’t returning phone calls, switch to texts once or twice a week. Ask how she is and also share what you’ve been doing-focus on yourself more and find some activities that you enjoy doing.

If you’ve had a good relationship up to now, it’ll be fine in the long run.