Relationship changed with adult children. Is this normal? Please share your experience.

[Crystalcrazy]

Hello.

Im looking for advice please and other people’s experiences.

I have two adult children in their late twenties.

They both own their own homes and have partners. My eldest has a one year old baby.

We used to be so close. One lives local and we’d see each other every week for a nice evening together and message or call in between.

The other lives a few hours away and we kept in touch via phone weekly.

I now find contact is only when I initiate this and we now rarely see each other.

I understand they have their own family’s and both work full time (as do I) but it all feels so sad.

My daughter has been on maternity leave for a year.

I have mentioned how I feel and that I would like to see her and my grandchild more. But I’m just told she’s busy.

I don’t know what to do to make this better, I don’t think it will ever go back to how it was.

Do I ease off and wait for them to contact me?

Is this a normal part of life?

I sometime wonder if I’ve done too much in that past, given too much. My whole life has been devoted to making them happy.
This bit of your post stood out to me, because it is almost exactly what my MIL said. She devoted her life to making her DCs happy after she had a miserable childhood with a selfish mother.
It was difficult for her, once her children had grown up. As a mum we can make our children happy when they are little. We can literally do things, says things, provide things that will ensure our children live happy young lives. As they become older they look for that happiness beyond us, as they should. We can no longer be the source of their contentment, and it is difficult to adjust. It is important for you to find fulfilling things outside of your family. The amount of time they have to spend with you will ebb and flow over the years.

Having said all that, how many weeks did you have to wait until you met your grandchild? I can understand not waiting visitors in hospital, but to make you wait a few weeks to meet your grandchild seems cruel.

the person responsible for the relationship is still you. You sound like a lovely mum, keep showing up for them and wanting to see them.

You mention your daughter a lot but not your other child, are they male or female? In my experience men especially are not great at keeping in touch unless they need something. I see it with my own son, my partner and friends children. My partner has got better at initiating contact with his mum as she's got older but it's often down to her even now she's in her 80s.

With your daughter I expect it is a time thing, you're at work when she's free and weekends she wants to spend with her partner and child. I think it is a natural shift as children grow up and have their own families. Or it could be that her partner is trying to limit her contact - what sort of relationship does he have with his own parents?

So your daughter didn’t want you to see your grandchild for a few weeks when the baby was born, but she wants you to give up work to look after it? Hmmm a sense of entitlement…

I’ve read some of these posts ‘spoil them/offer childcare/treat them/offer money’ ludicrous!! My Mum could not do any of these things apart from love me and them. I absolutely adored my Mum. I didn’t expect any of these things either.

Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason at the time. I’m afraid in today’s world the parents are giving giving giving right up until they die!

Love your child and grandchild/children. Keep checking in with them. Be consistent. Do NOT feel
guilty about anything.

There are plenty of grandparents out there who do zero for their grandchildren. It may be what they have chosen. My DD MIL does very little in comparison to what I do, but that’s her choice. Some GPs are not well enough. Some categorically say no.

You are/have tried/trying to do your best
and that is all you can do.

It is very upsetting indeed. But do not doubt yourself. Honestly people are so ready to jump on a bandwagon on here without knowing anything.

Keep your chin up OP. Nothing is forever.

What kind of "getting together " do you do? You say you are on your own - are you divorced or widowed? And what about her partner's parents? If all the parents are divorced and all work full time then that only leaves weekends to catch up. If there are 4 catch ups then that can be a bit daunting.

I'd suggest offering to host them for each catch up. For brunch, lunch or morning tea. Those tend to be the best times for young ones. Or else just ask then what suits them. If they come for lunch, send them home with leftovers. Make sure your house is child proof. Basically make the catch ups as easy as possible for them.

Try keeping in touch in between with messages. That can be easier than phone calls.

I get that parents are under a lot of pressure today but I find it really depressing when they take for granted that their own parents will provide free childcare and then penalise them by withdrawing their company from them when they don't comply.

Agree with PP about checking in regularly and trying to make catch ups logistically easy. My own in laws had a bit of a "babies just fit in" attitude which wasn't helpful when mine were quite awkward babies.

I would agree and my mum would say the same - I think the op is comparing her childhood and was keen to break the cycle but I can't imagine being asked the same and being so sure. A parent can never say their child had an amazing childhood, that's for the child to say - surely that is what you would say - I tried my best and I made mistakes etc.

I am probably projecting - aren't we all on here!

I think what people are finding difficult is an absolute certainty that you've not done anything wrong - which maybe the case but someone with high emotional maturity wouldn't speak in such confident absolutes or be so against thinking and reflecting on some of the answers you've been given or points to consider.

People can only tell you their experiences, that's surely helpful as it gives you a different perspective. You do come across quite martyr like in some of your language.

Don't forget this is Mumsnet not the real world and often things get over-amplified and over-thought until reality has been completely distorted.

Plus there seems to be a whole younger generation now who are offended by everything and see red flags everywhere. It will be interesting to see what their relationships with their children will be in ten or twenty years time.

You haven't done anything wrong, you loved your kids in the best way you could and did your best for them.
I think the best thing you can do is keep the lines of communication open with your children, suggest and set up a group WhatsApp if you don't have one already so that you feel connected & offer to meet up every so often at their convenience but keep it light.
Let them know with your messages & chat that you have things going on with your life too so they don't feel guilty about being busy - sometimes guilt makes people avoid situations.
It will work out & they will come back to you I think as things adjust with young families, work etc.

This isn't about facts. It's about a persons emotional experience and that of the nervous system. The body doesn't lie. The mind on the other hand does lie.

I wouldn't know what kind of truth you would be seeking to establish. It says so much that you think this is how it could work. Children learn how to relate to others from their main care givers. It's about being attuned to one another and have the skills for emotional regulation and connection and communication. If this isn't possible you can look to establish whatever truth you want, but ultimately the mind won't give you the answer or resolve anything. This kind of thinking will always keep you stuck and defensive.

Ah I think this is your answer. Her partner is a negative influence. I found it difficult when I first got together with my DH . I used to do everything with my DM so when I met him I still wanted to please them both. I would be in the middle with DH and DM trailing round the shops etc. Looking back he was so reasonable to not mind this and was happy for her to come on most of our holidays away especially when I had DS. As an only child and probably ND my DM meant the world to me. I would say just keep on being there for your DC when they need you. They will come back to you.

She later clarified that she thought all those things were abuse. My mum would have said all those things were necessary. So I think there's something very different from my experience

Well this is a bit of a drip feed isn't it as you mentioned nothing about her partner in your OP.

You sound like an absolutely lovely mum. I think this is just a very tricky and busy time and you’ve equipped your children with the skills and confidence to drive their lives forward - even if that means that is their main focus currently.

Maybe see this as an opportunity to focus on you. Can you lean into your friendship group a bit more? Travel, hobbies and learning are things that can be difficult when you need to be on hand for family regularly, but some space has opened up at the moment for you to be a little more self centred in a good way.

As I've said multiple times on this thread, I suspect your daughter is just busy with her life, nothing to do with you personally. That is the most likely scenario.

I do think the expectation of giving up work to do childcare and making you wait weeks to meet your GC says something about them though. They're clearly rather rigid and individualist, which sucks for others who want to get closer.

Things in your most recent updates stand out to me :

You think her partner is controlling
You think he may be trying to pull her away
You were asked to give up work (!) to provide childcare.

Sounds like maybe there was an expectation on your daughter & her partner’s part that you would fall into line on the childcare. You didn’t, couldn’t , and that’s a fly in their ointment.

If that is the case, your daughter is either being controlled to a large degree by the partner, or her amazing childhood has made her a bit spoiled.

This may not be the reason for their cold shoulders, but it stands out to me.

I think you should take up a hobby or evening classes in subjects that really interest you, because I fear you're going to be disappointed in your wish to be more involved in their lives.

Good luck

I would say that not allowing anyone to visit new baby is weird as the Mum usually wants to show them off though maybe not just post birth.
I suspect the partner is trying to push you out but imo he will change is opinion when he sees how much hard work it is bringing up a child - unless he is some unusual husband who happily has his night's sleep broken and is happy standing around in parks and indoor play areas. Of course he may expect your DD to do it all but make sure you are interested - in pics of baby, how baby is doing.
Any chance you could change your hours so you have a day or afternoon off to look after baby, it looks like they are happy for you to save them money.
I don't see your former relationship with your DD returning but I'm sure they will be happy for you to babysit or take the child out in the future, also there will probably be more babies in the future when you might work fewer hours,

3 weeks is a long time to not allow anyone to visit. I don't know what you can do other than keep showing up for her and keep initiating contact and hope things change

Some mothers are more unwell post birth than others and I think unfortunately the "equal grandparents" trend pushes some of them into not getting support from their own mothers until they also feel able to receive visits from their in laws. I'd allow some grace here.

Hi OP

This sounds really difficult. It could be driven by her partner, some people have an idea that they should focus on their 'little family' after children - you see it in threads on here that are quite poralised by things like Christmas, where some people have an attitude of the more the merrier, they love spending time with wider family etc and others are happy to leave an elderly relative on their own, even though they all get on etc, because they want to really focus on spending time just on their own family.

You have mentioned 'children' though and then talk about your daughter, how is your relationship with your other child?