Relationship changed with adult children. Is this normal? Please share your experience.

[Crystalcrazy]

Hello.

Im looking for advice please and other people’s experiences.

I have two adult children in their late twenties.

They both own their own homes and have partners. My eldest has a one year old baby.

We used to be so close. One lives local and we’d see each other every week for a nice evening together and message or call in between.

The other lives a few hours away and we kept in touch via phone weekly.

I now find contact is only when I initiate this and we now rarely see each other.

I understand they have their own family’s and both work full time (as do I) but it all feels so sad.

My daughter has been on maternity leave for a year.

I have mentioned how I feel and that I would like to see her and my grandchild more. But I’m just told she’s busy.

I don’t know what to do to make this better, I don’t think it will ever go back to how it was.

Do I ease off and wait for them to contact me?

Is this a normal part of life?

That's sad but that's a very different situation to this one where the OP actively wants to be involved with her children and grandchildren.

Nah I won't be like that though.

Relationships go both ways but it doesn't have to 5050 the whole time. When your kids are young it's your responsibility, then your kids are young adults and they come visit you because they have more energy and free time, then they have kids and you make the effort because they have young kids. Then you're older and their kids are older and it's abit more equal, then their kids are grown and you're old and they make the effort.

My dad isn't interested in me or my kids, I'd rather not see him than have my kids around someone that doesn't really care. If he wants to spend time with them he's more than welcome.

I have three adult children. Eldest 45 year old single lives abroad. I see him about once a year and speak to him about once a month but when we do speak it can be for 2 hours. We really enjoy these conversations. Middle child, married no children lives 300 miles away, visit them about 4 times a year speak infrequently but WhatsApp about weekly. Youngest, married with toddler also lives 300 miles away. I try and visit about every 6 weeks but we chat on WhatsApp often. All have busy jobs with little down time, especially the youngest. I’d happily see them more often but respect that I’m no longer the most important person in their lives but I do feel loved.

Awesome place 😂I hate this attitude people have towards their parents nowadays. How will her dd feel when her child does it to her? I just think people are more selfish now and wrapped up in their own lives. This new age of self centredness/hyper individualism extends to family... unless it's their own 'little family'. The op doesn't have to feel happy and awesome about it. I don't have any advice really, it must be hard.

Emotional immaturity is very much abuse. Your post makes me sick. Its invalidating and what the hell is wrong with this poster doing stuff better with her kids. Parents only have sympathy for other parents because it's a huge projection. They can't bear the thought of the child one day deciding 'no this was and isn't good enough and I'm going to walk away for my own health'.

It's perfectly valid. People don't walk away from people that made a few mistakes. People walk away when there is no accountability and the same shit keeps happening. Personally I am thrilled that younger generations want to be treated better and treat their kids better. It's only really a problem for the older generations if they refuse to change and work on themselves and go with the times.

OP this sounds painful, but it doesn't sound purposeful on your children's parts. You've mentioned a lot about your daughter being on mat leave - how has she found it? Does she have day to day support, is she sleeping, and how is she feeling in herself?

Babysitting isn't the help everyone wants at this stage. She might prefer having you offer to drop around a meal / help bag up clothes baby has grown out of / take a load of laundry to your house to wash and dry over the weekend. Practical help is invaluable, though I appreciate that you're working full time too. I know I have a close relationship with my mother and MIL, but it does grate both DH & I that any (seldomly given) offers of help are the fun bits. They offer to babysit every few months, and then call us to come home if the baby fusses. 😅

You also mentioned weekly nights - were you going to them or them to you? Who was cooking and hosting? Have you offered accommodations to suit the baby - e.g. I'll bring you dinner on Friday, and I'll be out of your hair by the baby's bedtime.

How baby proofed is your home for visits? It hurts my MIL we stopped calling over after our eldest was born but their house is so so unsuitable. Any gentle requests to secure the many fragile class cabinets to the wall were met with "oh we don't mind if they break them" - we minded if the children were broken in the process though.

I'd also make sure you're not requiring your kids to be an emotional support for you - just a watch out many parents fall in to with adult kids. And that you're not comparing your motherhood journey with theirs, either favorably or negatively.

Ignore the horrible comments. By any chance is she suffering from post natal depression? Is her partner controlling?

You probably don't agree, OP, but if I were your adult child I would find all of this too intense and smothering.

Ok, your opinion but the OP says that she has tried really hard to do things differently with her children to how her mum treated her and now is in this position.

My point is that anyone can do what they think is right with their kids & try their best but still find they have inadvertently done things 'wrong' in the eyes of their adult child.

Do you have adult kids?

If my late mother had ever asked me that question, I couldn't possibly have told her the truth - and comments she made through my life demonstrated very clearly that she'd no idea how unhappy I was.

I think it will get better with time.
In my 20s I was awful for taking my parents for granted and focusing only on my exciting young life.
Now I am in my 40s I am a bit less self-focused and I treasure time with my parents.
Can you remember what it was like when you were in your 20s and busy with a young family?

I think my mum feels as you describe OP. I'm a bit older than your daughters but have just gone back to work after having my 3rd child. There is a lot of backstory with my mum that sounds like it isn't the case with you, but what I have asked her to do if she wants to see us more (as she says she does) is more of the legwork. As in not only suggesting meeting up but being prepared to drive over to us and 'fit in' with what's going on. So not getting annoyed that I can't sit and chat with her or that DC are demanding my attention, but sit and have a coffee and help DS1 with his homework, or watch something with DS2, or hang around in the kitchen and watch the baby while I cook. And then eat with us without moaning that it's something basic the kids like like shepherds pie, and then push off again at a reasonable time - not get offended when I say I need to put DC to bed etc. But she doesn't ever want to do all that as she feels her house is nicer and more comfortable (both true) and if she comes over to me she doesn't get 'hosted'. But packing all the kids up and going over to her is a palaver - the older two get bored there now and she always has a list of jobs for me and the whole thing takes hours. So while we do go over at least every 2-3 weeks it would be much easier and she would see us a lot more often if she was prepared to do some of the legwork. We only live 25 minutes apart so it's not like it isn't feasible to pop over for a couple of hours.
Obviously this may not be the case for you but I wonder if your daughters might do better with you offering to pop over to them? Or asking them if they have anything planned for an upcoming weekend and offering to meet them there or somewhere nearby afterwards for a coffee?

Just editing to say my mum has a tendency to want to take over/ do things her way and not take into account what the children or we would like to do. So often outings we could include her in we don't, because we know eg a day at a farm park will be spent with her wanting to stop for a drink every half hour, not wanting the kids to do specific activities she worries about etc. Again if she was more prepared to fit in (or even just do her own thing - eg 'oh no I don't fancy the playground but I'll sit in the cafe with a book - come and get me when you're done') we would include her in a lot more. I think it's worth considering whether you can be like this at all, and if not maybe going out of your way to demonstrate that a few times - ask to be included in things or suggest outings but then be led by them when there!

I really sympathise with you but this reminded me of an episode of Wife Swap (UK) that really struck a chord at the time.

A super strict and rather cold mum swapped with a very warm and indulgent mum. I was shocked at the reunion scene as the children of the strict mum seemed to absolutely adore her and had missed her so much, whereas the children of the warm mum seemed completely indifferent. It started a long conversation with my DH afterwards about parenting styles.

You sound like you’ve done a really good job of raising your children - being late 20s and both owning a house and having partners is impressive and untypical in my experience.

@ComedyGunsNot in cheap housing areas. Two salaries as teachers can easily get a house. It’s a big issue in the SE and property hot spots.

Then all it takes is to take accountability and change. That's literally all it takes.

Why? Am I only qualified to speak on the topic if I have adult children?

Yes, this seems to be a fairly normal pattern (abuse excluded obviously). "My parents did x wrong, I will do it better!" Next stage: "I'm doing this better!" A couple of decades later: "I didn't get it right all the time. My parents are human. Maybe I can extend some grace to them."

It doesn't even mean she has done anything especially wrong. Her DD might just be caught up in her own life and finds the contact enough, at this stage.

Your perspective will change when you have adult children. Not saying you don't have anything to offer now but it's a bit like non-parents who have the answers to parenting. If you don't have the experience, you don't have the same idea what it can be like.

Don't think parents don't have opinions about adult children. They're just more likely to keep quiet about it.

I don’t believe it’s just being busy. I think when people have their first baby, especially daughters, they pull towards their mother more - if they have a good relationship. There’s also a huge amount of truth in the comment about people overlooking childhood problems until they have their own child. OP I don’t think your children are too busy for you. They spend time with friends, one is on maternity leave. If she wanted she would be calling on you to help with the baby, or bringing the baby to visit so you could hold them whilst she drank tea and chatted. There’s a reason they’re pulling away, can you honestly reflect on why that could be, even if that’s painful for you to do so?

This is my current situation too!

I'm one of these adult children and my perspective on my parents has changed too. To the point they lost all benefit of the doubt I had for them. Children a wired to try and love their parents, to belong and make the relationship work. It takes a significant breakdown in the relationship for children to distance themselves. This breakdown is always on the parent as they set the tone of the relationship on the day of their child's birth and have always held more power.

This isn't about a few mistakes and my hunch is that you don't understand the difference either from a lack of experience or insight into what a child might have experienced that differs from how you saw as their experience.

I would never have not returned my mum’s calls when my kids were babies/little. I always wanted to tell her the latest news about them despite having my own business and being busy. I’d be hurt too.

I do understand that. I am finding in my early 50s my thoughts about my parents have undergone another shift (not for the better either). However, I can also accept they are human and did their best, though really they should probably never have been together and were probably not really mature enough to have children when they did.

My adult kids are quite happy and I have a great relationship with them. My understanding of their experience is formed by what they have told me. I would also never invalidate them as I know all to well what that is like. People know their own experience and it's shitty to tell them they are wrong about that.

However, adult children are not always reasonable either in their expectations. We don't always have to agree with them. Example: My eldest isn't happy that she didn't have a dog as a child when she wanted one. Youngest child (12 year gap) has a dog. At the time I couldn't have afforded a dog for her and didn't have the time for a dog and all the commitment that needs with walks and extra work. It was reasonable to say no to a dog at the time. The situation is very different with the youngest. Can afford it, have more time now. She also wanted a more realistic breed. If eldest child resents that, oh well, sometimes parents get to make decisions. I can acknowledge it was a disappointment for her and share the reasons with her, but it doesn't mean I have to agree it wasn't just and reasonable in the circumstances at the time.

Unfortunately we can't always provide the childhood we wanted to due to outside circumstances too. We are not the only influence on their lives. My children have been profoundly affected by traumatic loss in their teenage years, which is something that will certainly have shaped their perspectives of that time a lot.

The examples you describe are so trivial and show that no, you don't understand. For an adult child that has experienced a complete breakdown of the shallow relationship there was it's actually insulting to come up with examples like that and think this might have anything to do with it and the OP.

Nobody has a difficult or non existent relationship with a parent because they didn't get a pony.

I think your expectations are unreasonable.

I see my adult DC every few weeks. We message regularly on WA and speak on the phone maybe once a week. I would say we are very close emotionally.