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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and his colleague at dinner tonight

170 replies

Frimclo · 30/10/2025 22:50

DH and I work for the same company, different departments, different floors, very little collaboration between the two, I don’t really know his colleagues and he doesn’t really know mine.
Tonight several of us from various departments went out for drinks, my parents have DS and DD so DH and I took a rare opportunity to join. It evolved into dinner which is fine and everyone was having a great time. I noticed DH was spending a lot of time chatting to one girl in particular, I can’t imagine she’s much more than 25, DH is 42. I felt like they were flirting but upon reflection I can’t remember why I thought that other than a feeling.
As we were leaving something happened I don’t know what exactly but DH said to the girl “did you just give me the middle finger” she replied “I didn’t give you the middle finger” he said “Is there another finger you’d rather give me” (I didn’t really understand this comment) and she replied “yeah my ring one”. It felt very flirty considering I was stood right beside him and made me feel strange. I haven’t mentioned it but it feels like an odd conversation followed by an odd reply? I read it as she was saying she’d like him to marry her? Which considering he is married feels like an awfully weird joke to make.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this and should I mention it to DH?

OP posts:
DriveVerySlowlyPastNumber23IWantThemToSeeMyHat · 30/10/2025 22:54

What did DH say?

Original poster
Frimclo · 30/10/2025 22:56

DriveVerySlowlyPastNumber23IWantThemToSeeMyHat · 30/10/2025 22:54

What did DH say?

Afterwards? He replied “that was good, that was quick (in reference to the speed of her reply), quickest you’ve been all night, I’m going to leave while you’re peaking!”.

OP posts:
PopcornKitten · 30/10/2025 22:56

I don’t understand what his comment meant about ‘is there another finger you’d rather give me’
im getting the same ick feeling about the wedding finger though.

Original poster
Frimclo · 30/10/2025 23:01

PopcornKitten · 30/10/2025 22:56

I don’t understand what his comment meant about ‘is there another finger you’d rather give me’
im getting the same ick feeling about the wedding finger though.

Yes I didn’t understand that comment either? Maybe someone here could enlighten us to what he might have meant?

OP posts:
BingBongBish · 30/10/2025 23:05

AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this and should I mention it to DH?

Are you two not very close?

I can't imagine not simply saying to my DH "What was all that about?"

It's a completely normal question in those circumstances.

Original poster
Frimclo · 30/10/2025 23:07

BingBongBish · 30/10/2025 23:05

AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this and should I mention it to DH?

Are you two not very close?

I can't imagine not simply saying to my DH "What was all that about?"

It's a completely normal question in those circumstances.

I’d say our marriage is a little rocky right now, financial pressure, 2 young children and what seems to feel like constant arguing so I didn’t want to say anything incase it was nothing and it caused an argument after an otherwise lovely night.

OP posts:
CalliopeFosterBeauchamp · 30/10/2025 23:11

The fact you’re worried about it causing an argument is quite telling.

I don’t know why.m but when I read your OP, my first reaction was to think “If she confronts him, I bet he tells her she’s misheard”.

Maybe because someone who behaves like that in front of you doesn’t seem like they’d have much respect for you. It feels very flirty and I wouldn’t like it.

Original poster
Frimclo · 30/10/2025 23:17

CalliopeFosterBeauchamp · 30/10/2025 23:11

The fact you’re worried about it causing an argument is quite telling.

I don’t know why.m but when I read your OP, my first reaction was to think “If she confronts him, I bet he tells her she’s misheard”.

Maybe because someone who behaves like that in front of you doesn’t seem like they’d have much respect for you. It feels very flirty and I wouldn’t like it.

Yes I think he will either say oh just a random joke or you misheard. However they were chatting all night and it does feel like a really flirty comment.

OP posts:
Terrytheweasel · 30/10/2025 23:21

Whatever is going on the banter is cringe!

5128gap · 30/10/2025 23:21

I think if anyone knows what a man looks like when he's interested in a woman and flirting, it's his partner. After all, you'll have been on the receiving end yourself so will know the signs, even if they're hard to articulate. I'd trust that more than the opinions of other people as to whether it was something or nothing.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 30/10/2025 23:22

You need to be on this and concerned

Splendidbouquet · 30/10/2025 23:22

I don't know what the comment meant but it's obvious from.the interaction, and from your earlier perception that they were flirting, that their relationship is not a purely professional one. That they have some evel of attraction and connection with each other.

Emeraldcrown · 30/10/2025 23:22

I’d have actually thought they were joking about his bum? But maybe that’s my mind! Either way OP he’s blatant to do that in front of you!

wizzywig · 30/10/2025 23:23

Finger in his arse isnt it? Or she wants to marry him?

anonymou5e · 30/10/2025 23:24

When I read his response about is there another finger you'd like to give me I immediately thought there's an underlying sexual joke between them. Her quick response about the ring finger feels like she's trying to change the subject knowing you're there.

Original poster
Frimclo · 30/10/2025 23:25

wizzywig · 30/10/2025 23:23

Finger in his arse isnt it? Or she wants to marry him?

Oh gosh maybe I’m a bit of prude as I hadn’t thought of that. I took ring finger to mean marriage/engagement but maybe I’m just not in the know enough to get the joke. Either way not comfortable with those options! I don’t think there is an explanation that falls in colleague or friend category?

OP posts:
PopcornKitten · 30/10/2025 23:26

Frimclo · 30/10/2025 23:01

Yes I didn’t understand that comment either? Maybe someone here could enlighten us to what he might have meant?

Show quote history

Reading what others have put it’s definitely something you need to raise with him.
You feel uncomfortable for a reason.

MooDengOfThailand · 30/10/2025 23:26

I wouldn't be happy about this at all.

OnlyFangs · 30/10/2025 23:28

Frimclo · 30/10/2025 23:07

I’d say our marriage is a little rocky right now, financial pressure, 2 young children and what seems to feel like constant arguing so I didn’t want to say anything incase it was nothing and it caused an argument after an otherwise lovely night.

Show quote history

People who want to cheat /are cheating tend to stir up arguments to justify their feelings /actions

Starandflowers · 30/10/2025 23:30

I would have thought it was an obvious sexual reference and both of them saying it at all never mind within your earshot is very telling

I I am not usually someone who jumps to conclusions but when it walks like a duck….

PleaseStopEatingMyStuff · 30/10/2025 23:32

I took it as fingering his arse too. Grim.
The whole exchange reads like a back and forth flirty thing that isn't even funny and doesn't actually make any sense.
It was stupid and disrespectful with you stood there.
Tell him he's a dick.

Poppyseeds79 · 30/10/2025 23:32

I'd have also though it was a finger up the bum "banter". Not particularly funny, but they probably both thought so after a few drinks in.

DoYouReally · 30/10/2025 23:33

I'm normally pretty chilled on male/female friendships but this is off, it's inappropriate and if that's what he says/dies when you are within earshot, he's probably far worse when you aren't around.

I'm sorry but he's an ass.

Missj25 · 30/10/2025 23:34

Frimclo · 30/10/2025 22:50

DH and I work for the same company, different departments, different floors, very little collaboration between the two, I don’t really know his colleagues and he doesn’t really know mine.
Tonight several of us from various departments went out for drinks, my parents have DS and DD so DH and I took a rare opportunity to join. It evolved into dinner which is fine and everyone was having a great time. I noticed DH was spending a lot of time chatting to one girl in particular, I can’t imagine she’s much more than 25, DH is 42. I felt like they were flirting but upon reflection I can’t remember why I thought that other than a feeling.
As we were leaving something happened I don’t know what exactly but DH said to the girl “did you just give me the middle finger” she replied “I didn’t give you the middle finger” he said “Is there another finger you’d rather give me” (I didn’t really understand this comment) and she replied “yeah my ring one”. It felt very flirty considering I was stood right beside him and made me feel strange. I haven’t mentioned it but it feels like an odd conversation followed by an odd reply? I read it as she was saying she’d like him to marry her? Which considering he is married feels like an awfully weird joke to make.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this and should I mention it to DH?

I’m not sure what the comments mean either, but clearly it isn’t all professional with them , they flirt & no I wouldn’t like it ..
Do they see one another every day OP ?

Cardinalita90 · 30/10/2025 23:35

Another who read it as finger up the bum. Either way, very disrespectful to you as his wife. I'd be nervous about him going to other work socials alone now personally.

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