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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and his colleague at dinner tonight

170 replies

Frimclo · 30/10/2025 22:50

DH and I work for the same company, different departments, different floors, very little collaboration between the two, I don’t really know his colleagues and he doesn’t really know mine.
Tonight several of us from various departments went out for drinks, my parents have DS and DD so DH and I took a rare opportunity to join. It evolved into dinner which is fine and everyone was having a great time. I noticed DH was spending a lot of time chatting to one girl in particular, I can’t imagine she’s much more than 25, DH is 42. I felt like they were flirting but upon reflection I can’t remember why I thought that other than a feeling.
As we were leaving something happened I don’t know what exactly but DH said to the girl “did you just give me the middle finger” she replied “I didn’t give you the middle finger” he said “Is there another finger you’d rather give me” (I didn’t really understand this comment) and she replied “yeah my ring one”. It felt very flirty considering I was stood right beside him and made me feel strange. I haven’t mentioned it but it feels like an odd conversation followed by an odd reply? I read it as she was saying she’d like him to marry her? Which considering he is married feels like an awfully weird joke to make.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this and should I mention it to DH?

OP posts:
JustSomeRandomOnTheInternet · 30/10/2025 23:36

Frimclo · 30/10/2025 23:07

I’d say our marriage is a little rocky right now, financial pressure, 2 young children and what seems to feel like constant arguing so I didn’t want to say anything incase it was nothing and it caused an argument after an otherwise lovely night.

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His behaviour with this other woman may well signal the very reason you are constantly arguing as men generally behave badly to their wives when cheating, to get a reaction to convince themselves that they are justified in cheating, and are just a victim in need of solace elsewhere.

Another woman basically saying she wanted a married man to put a ring on it in front of his wife is complete trash IMO. A husband engaging in that kind of disrespect to his wife is worse.

I’d tell him what you heard being clear that you didn’t mishear, and ask if something is going on. I wouldn’t even make the effort to try to get evidence tbh. You should know from his reaction, and anger as a response is pretty damning, unless you’re the type to accuse him of cheating with everyone. If you’re not sure, at least you’re aware and can be on alert for further signs as it’s not like he would admit it unless he’s a rare specimen.

Original poster
Frimclo · 30/10/2025 23:37

Missj25 · 30/10/2025 23:34

I’m not sure what the comments mean either, but clearly it isn’t all professional with them , they flirt & no I wouldn’t like it ..
Do they see one another every day OP ?

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Yes and I’m only part time so I’m only in 2 days a week. He also has the option to work from home 2 days a week but chooses not to, his office is pretty empty on Fridays but I’m sure she tends to go in too.

OP posts:
Menocandoone · 30/10/2025 23:40

Should you “mention” it? Mention it? Er yes, you really, really should. I’ve no idea what the actual fuck it was, but I know it wasn’t good for you op. It was weird, flirty and entirely inappropriate….and you were literally there?
Ask yourself this…would you be chatting this type of seedy shite with any other man, whether your DH was present or not? And how would he feel if you did this in front of him?

LBFseBrom · 30/10/2025 23:41

wizzywig · Today 23:23
Finger in his arse isnt it?
...
That was my immediate thought, I doubt she meant marriage.

Crude or what!

However I understand there is often banter between work mates.

JustSomeRandomOnTheInternet · 30/10/2025 23:42

Even worse if they were making a reference to a sex act they may have done, in front of his wife. That is on another level.

Missj25 · 30/10/2025 23:47

Frimclo · 30/10/2025 23:37

Yes and I’m only part time so I’m only in 2 days a week. He also has the option to work from home 2 days a week but chooses not to, his office is pretty empty on Fridays but I’m sure she tends to go in too.

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I’d be chatting to him straight away OP ..x

Dramatic · 30/10/2025 23:49

His was a sexual reference and hers was saying she'd like to be married to him. Neither of which is appropriate for them to say even if it wasn't blatantly in front of you, his actual wife.

Yes you should confront him, even just to make him aware you weren't happy about it. But to be honest it would have me questioning my marriage if my DH went on like that with another woman.

TheOGCCL · 30/10/2025 23:50

The thing that seems a bit weird here is that they seem to have been so blatant. If there was something amiss, why advertise it?

Menocandoone · 30/10/2025 23:51

TheOGCCL · 30/10/2025 23:50

The thing that seems a bit weird here is that they seem to have been so blatant. If there was something amiss, why advertise it?

I’d wager there had been drink involved…..

Tryingatleast · 30/10/2025 23:51

Op talk to him and ask how he’d feel if you’d talked like that with a guy

WeeGeeBored · 30/10/2025 23:52

Frimclo · 30/10/2025 23:17

Yes I think he will either say oh just a random joke or you misheard. However they were chatting all night and it does feel like a really flirty comment.

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They are a couple of bastards to be chatting together all night while you were there. Horrible behaviour. What a fucking idiot he is to be “bantering” like that right in front of you. If you were all friends it would be different but you don’t know her so it’s rude. Fuck ‘em.

Original poster
Frimclo · 30/10/2025 23:53

Menocandoone · 30/10/2025 23:51

I’d wager there had been drink involved…..

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Yes quite a lot. These comments were around 10pm and most of DHs team had gone to the pub around 4 as they completed a big project today and were given an early finish. So some of them had been drinking since 4 and shots were offered at some point (a lot of them are younger with no kids!).

OP posts:
Bionicnose · 30/10/2025 23:56

And the 25 year old was disrespectful, too, and he praised her, in front of you. Mwat.

PopcornKitten · 30/10/2025 23:57

This all sounds awful. Has he gone to bed now OP? Can you talk to him in the morning?

ReadingSoManyThreads · 31/10/2025 00:13

Well, they're either shagging each other or if not, want to.

Franjipanl8r · 31/10/2025 00:21

I’d do some phone snooping to see if there were inappropriate messages between them. It could have just been some really awkward attempt at banter after a few drinks otherwise.

Minxmumma · 31/10/2025 00:35

Ergh. That's utterly cringe making and beyond awful behaviour.

I would bring it up but prepare for him to create an argument and deflect your concerns. But the more he deflects the more certain you can be that there is more to it.

From bitter experience I know to trust your gut. You know the signs of flirty behaviour. And a woman who behaves so brazenly is probably doing so as she believes he is hers and you are just the poor gullible wife.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 31/10/2025 00:41

Emeraldcrown · 30/10/2025 23:22

I’d have actually thought they were joking about his bum? But maybe that’s my mind! Either way OP he’s blatant to do that in front of you!

This.

It's a subtle way of saying "back off, dickhead", the inference being "ram it up your hoop".

DBD1975 · 31/10/2025 00:54

Emeraldcrown · 30/10/2025 23:22

I’d have actually thought they were joking about his bum? But maybe that’s my mind! Either way OP he’s blatant to do that in front of you!

My thoughts entirely, bit naive to think this meant marriage (in my opinion).

DBD1975 · 31/10/2025 00:56

Dramatic · 30/10/2025 23:49

His was a sexual reference and hers was saying she'd like to be married to him. Neither of which is appropriate for them to say even if it wasn't blatantly in front of you, his actual wife.

Yes you should confront him, even just to make him aware you weren't happy about it. But to be honest it would have me questioning my marriage if my DH went on like that with another woman.

Both were sexual references, the ring finger has nothing to do with marriage in this context.

Netcurtainnelly · 31/10/2025 01:00

Franjipanl8r · 31/10/2025 00:21

I’d do some phone snooping to see if there were inappropriate messages between them. It could have just been some really awkward attempt at banter after a few drinks otherwise.

It might be more than that. How do you know what was going on underneath the table if they were sat very close to each other.
Very odd behaviour anyway.

Francestein · 31/10/2025 01:05

I’d be telling him that I am embarrassed to know him. His behaviour was disrespectful to you and inappropriate with her.

airportfloor · 31/10/2025 01:21

I don’t really think it matters what the specific meaning is. Maybe cos I don’t get it.

but it means there’s a split between you and your husband, you’re not able to ask him, and you need to connect.

the question is if you and he are able to properly talk, open up, and find a way through

Sez1990 · 31/10/2025 01:50

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 31/10/2025 00:41

This.

It's a subtle way of saying "back off, dickhead", the inference being "ram it up your hoop".

Show quote history

I agree with this, the woman’s reply was a jokey insult to DH’s sexual “banter”. Ring referring to bumhole as well as being the name of the wedding ring finger. I doubt your husband was hoping she’d say a thumbs up, so I think the “flirting” was a bit one sided

CinnamonJellyBeans · 31/10/2025 02:03

I'd be really crushed to be friend zoned by my husband while he chatted up another woman in front of me.