DH and his colleague at dinner tonight

[Frimclo]

DH and I work for the same company, different departments, different floors, very little collaboration between the two, I don’t really know his colleagues and he doesn’t really know mine.
Tonight several of us from various departments went out for drinks, my parents have DS and DD so DH and I took a rare opportunity to join. It evolved into dinner which is fine and everyone was having a great time. I noticed DH was spending a lot of time chatting to one girl in particular, I can’t imagine she’s much more than 25, DH is 42. I felt like they were flirting but upon reflection I can’t remember why I thought that other than a feeling.
As we were leaving something happened I don’t know what exactly but DH said to the girl “did you just give me the middle finger” she replied “I didn’t give you the middle finger” he said “Is there another finger you’d rather give me” (I didn’t really understand this comment) and she replied “yeah my ring one”. It felt very flirty considering I was stood right beside him and made me feel strange. I haven’t mentioned it but it feels like an odd conversation followed by an odd reply? I read it as she was saying she’d like him to marry her? Which considering he is married feels like an awfully weird joke to make.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this and should I mention it to DH?

Exactly this. Is he depending on you not bringing it up? I absolutely would not let it lie for the sake of 'peace'
I wish I'd trusted my gut much earlier.
All the gaslighting and stress he put me thru left me isolated, emotionally violated and with long term health issues, not to mention PTSD.

I wouldn't like this at all. If he's happy saying that in public...

Are they all off work today?

Awful. You poor thing, he probably was flirting, and he’d probably deny it. Some men are just pathetic.

Grim, definitely overstepping whatever finger they meant.

His was def sexual, but I would interpret “ring” in this conversation as his sphincter / arsehole. Hence his “that was quick thinking” comment.

It is the usual grubby banter that goes on between older men and young girls. I think people push the humour boundaries. I am old and said to a workman who was digging the road in front of my house: 'Please can you tell what what you are doing with that hole?' His response: ' Oh yes madam, I can certainly tell you about holes'. I am old enough to be his gran. It is sick but what happens.

Sounds utterly cringeworthy

I don't think " grubby banter" between older men and young women is ever acceptable behaviour. Especially not when they are supposed to be work colleagues and adhere to a level of professionalism.

And how do you excuse the pair of them flirting together all night infront of his wife?

I haven't read the full thread, only the first page of comments and OPs updates. I think your DHs question about finger was a reference to 'fingering' his bum, and her reply was basically "not unless you marry me". So, yes, I think it was very quick of her but flirty on the part of both them and disrespectful to you. Also, unless there is no proper working environment for him at home or the little ones are likely to disturb him if he wfh, I'd find him going into work on the two days he is allowed to wfh suspicious. I think he wants to go in bc she's there and he gets to flirt. If he's likely to flirt OP, I suspect he's also likely to cheat if the opportunity presents itself. Please make sure you are financially secure, and trust your gut.

Ewww this is giving me flashbacks to working in an office and going for after work drinks. Even the men who claimed to be happily married would be pulling shit like this with the young women from the office. It was so gross and blatant. There were a few exceptions but it was so common.

If you both work for the same company OP does that mean you were colleagues who ended up having a relationship and marrying?
Because if so it wouldn't be the first time your H has started a relationship with a woman he works with.

I would ask him what it was all about, in a “that was a weird thing for her to say”, way, and ask if they work closely together. If he’s idiotic enough to behave like that in front of you then chances are they have a flirty relationship at work but there could very well be nothing more to it so I wouldn’t necessarily worry about infidelity. I’d tell him you felt it was inappropriate, and especially inappropriate with you standing right there. Be cool, though, not angry. Don’t give him an excuse to behave badly; he is certainly being provocative. I always think of the guy in Sliding Doors who goes nuclear when accused of being unfaithful (because he was).

I read it to mean finger up the arse too

I thought the same.

And if that actually was the meaning behind it, it comes across as them sharing a secret joke, right in front of you, because they think they are both so clever and have brilliant communication that they can speak in an uncrackable code.
It's an insult to the listeners intelligence if that is so.

Sorry OP. I hope that I've read too much into that and that its not the case

I’d interpret that as the forefinger - for inserting somewhere.

I think most people would interpret the fingers as follows: thumb is agreement, first finger is for pointing / putting into things; middle finger is an insult, ring finger is marriage, little finger are the ones you supposedly get wrapped around or stick out when drinking tea.

That question from him was sexual innuendo.

Somethings going on

that's so flirty! Definitely not appropriate and to think that's with an audience.

I would not be happy with this. Can you tell him you don't appreciate his manner / ask him if he genuinely thinks it's ok / would be happy you having a similar conversation with a man?

I'd agree with this.

Something is off I'd not be happy...keep you eyes and ears open OP.

Irrespective of whatever the hell the finger nonsense was about if he's flirting with someone in front of you like this what is going on when you aren't there!! I couldn't have kept my mouth shut 🙈

Yeah I’m in the minority and see that as quite a funny comeback, but like yeah stick it uo your arse. Would make me laugh out loud.

are you sure and I ask this gently, this isn’t jealousy and insecurity as she’s young and I’m going to guess you think attractive?

Something I've noticed with threads like this is that the woman will say there's been "some" problems in the relationship. But they say it with the view it can be worked out. Whereas the men seem to think that a mere hint of problems justifies cheating. Whatever problems you are having, I suspect he's already checked out. Hence the blatant flirting.

And its rubbish that a 25yr old won't be interested in a 40yr old. Sure not all, but plenty would. In my late teens/early 20s I dated 3 different men close to their mid 30s (not all at once!). She might not want him "forever" or even for a serious relationship, but she's plenty young enough to view him as a fling. She won't care about breaking up a marriage for a fling. She has no loyalty to the OP. So yes she likely was flirting with him.

I agree that you need to try and get access to his phone. I think it will be revealing.

I've known lots of men who, at 40, 50, 60, were physically fit, not balding and of plenty of interest to women in their 20s. People who think this isn't possible or even likely seem to know lots of men who don't age well. When I was in city law those pairings were an extremely common occurrence.

OP - I don't know what's going on or not going on, but in your shoes, I'd feel incredibly disrespected by your husband and be having a serious talk with him.

i cringe admitting this but i have worked in an office for 20 plus years amd we are SO crude and inappropriate sometimes.
So many things could be misconstrued by people we don't work with.

Having said that, NONE of this would have been said infront of a wife or husband or partner - we are "saucy" but not stupid. 99% of it is genuinely innocent banter

Exactly this.