DH and his colleague at dinner tonight

[Frimclo]

DH and I work for the same company, different departments, different floors, very little collaboration between the two, I don’t really know his colleagues and he doesn’t really know mine.
Tonight several of us from various departments went out for drinks, my parents have DS and DD so DH and I took a rare opportunity to join. It evolved into dinner which is fine and everyone was having a great time. I noticed DH was spending a lot of time chatting to one girl in particular, I can’t imagine she’s much more than 25, DH is 42. I felt like they were flirting but upon reflection I can’t remember why I thought that other than a feeling.
As we were leaving something happened I don’t know what exactly but DH said to the girl “did you just give me the middle finger” she replied “I didn’t give you the middle finger” he said “Is there another finger you’d rather give me” (I didn’t really understand this comment) and she replied “yeah my ring one”. It felt very flirty considering I was stood right beside him and made me feel strange. I haven’t mentioned it but it feels like an odd conversation followed by an odd reply? I read it as she was saying she’d like him to marry her? Which considering he is married feels like an awfully weird joke to make.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this and should I mention it to DH?

He’ll probably gaslight you saying it’s in your head you any take a joke etc

Yeah he was referring to the "cheeky finger" (sexual, up his arse to stimulate the prostate....its a thing) and she replied with the implication that he might get the cheeky finger if he wants to put a ring on her finger.

He is an utter shit and she is happy to try and nab your husband in front of you. Whatever happens now, no matter what you forgive and try to solve, your marriage is about to end.

I am so sorry but honestly, this is how it will happen. So you know what they say, get your retaliation in first. See a solicitor so you know where you stand and put things in place.

Again, sorry xx

I despise the rhetoric that 25 year olds must be wanting someone’s 42 year old husband. He’s basically a has-been in her world and undesirable. She sees him as someone the age of her dad.

The whole conversation sounds idiotic and doesn’t make sense - I wouldn’t see it as an indication that she wants to marry him(!) It’s more likely that she did have her middle finger up at him and was trying to cover it up, as it seems they have that irritating “banter” where they both take the piss out of each other. They were both drunk and saying nonsensical things. It doesn’t sound particularly professional.

Personally I would approach him with the angle that the conversation could be taken the wrong way and be more careful about how he interacts with colleagues especially on nights out. Cause I’ve seen it happen where people have “banter” like this, and it goes too far, and ultimately complaints may occur or work gets awkward. And by too far, I don’t mean romantically, but ultimately someone’s going to say/do something to cause actual offence.

For me, the fact they are openly having such discussions in front of you and others, suggests there’s nothing romantic there.

I doubt she’s interested in a middle aged has been. I’d be pissed off at your dh though.

"I despise the rhetoric that 25 year olds must be wanting someone’s 42 year old husband. He’s basically a has-been in her world and undesirable. She sees him as someone the age of her dad."

@20000000l there are plenty of young women who love men in their 40's. I was one of them, I always had a thing for older men. I never saw any of them as my dad or has-beens, and certainly not undesirable!

Saying that, I did marry someone my own age.

No. The majority of 25 year olds want people their own age, especially those without daddy issues. No one finds middled aged traits desirable? Kids/wife, dad bod, balding? Yeah, real sexy. So much more sexy than men her own age at peak attractiveness(!)

No I agree with *ReadingSoManyThreads *I preferred men with experience, maturity and financial stability. Not some kid in his 20s. I do think with age gaps it's mostly younger women-older men, because men are so immature and dating someone my own age would seem like babysitting. It's quite common feeling.

OP, why are you being so passive about this? It was inappropriate. Tell him you are not happy, it was unprofessional and gross. Calling this banter is nonsense. It was flirting and very overt at that. If you can't talk to your DH you don't really have much of a marriage anyway so you might as well get it out.

How was it a lovely evening when your DH spent the whole evening flirting with a 25 year old woman in front of you and then he suggested she should finger his bum? It sounds quite awful really. He doesn't seem to respect you much at all. I can imagine his flirting is workplace gossip. I can bet if you asked around you would hear about it.

And many, many women in their 20's look to date older attached men. They see these men are established and have already shown they are family men. The men feel flattered and fall for the ego stroking and voila affair. It happens all the time which is why it is a cliche. Thinking otherwise that most women that age only date men their own age is naive. People who cheat often do it right in front of their partners so they don't look suspicious. It is cheaters handbook 101.

I would be wary and put some boundaries in place immediately. He mor likely is not cheater now, but looks like he is laying some groundwork for one. He sounds like he is acting like an utter fool.

It’s really hard to think of the right thing to say in those circumstances, but what I would have liked to have said at the time if I was you is “what do you mean by that?” to her, or just “why your ring finger?” to put her on the spot. It’s easier said though when it’s something unexpected like that. Could she have not realised you were his wife do you think?

Well if a woman was chatting to a man and then later her male partner tried to question her about it the woman would be told there are so many red flags you need to leave he is being controlling dont let him treat you like that he has jealousy issues

So it works both ways - the OP has every right to speak to her partner about this BUT so should any man then

Watching your husband flirt with a younger woman is a 'lovely night'?

You really need to up your standards, even if it does cause an argument or sour a night out. Some things are worth fighting for, and your dignity is one of them

I think the joke was that she was telling him to swivel on it.

Your husband was flirting with her and she flirted back. It’s weird. It’s disrespectful to you.

Go through his phone. Don’t say anything - just wait and go through his phone.

I had an ex who had an emotional affair. I couldn’t prove anything else. But he had dinner at night with her instead of coming home to me where I had dinner waiting. This was happening for weeks.

They had plans to meet up. He had flirty emails in his junk email (he hid them) and he deleted all their texts except some drunk & flirty texts about meeting up Saturday night. In the emails he talked about wanting someone who didn’t nag and he sent her a photo of an engagement ring when she said she didn’t nag.

The man was a useless POS who would leave dirty dishes on the floor of the lounge room for days, once vomited on his bathroom floor and never ever cleaned it. It dried out and then the ants carried it away. He once threw broken glass in the garden where our dogs would play - even though he was standing right next to the bin. He was lazy, he was an idiot and he wasted my time.

Id of thought he meant given a finger in a sexual way ..anal

He'll obviously lie about it, but yeah he's embarrassed you in public and made you the object of gossip - everyone will have noticed him flirting and what a weird and creepy comment about the finger.

He's an utter and total wanker.

And just think - openly flirting, ignoring you and weird comments in front of you is what he thinks it's ok to do when you're actually there.

I also wonder why you and him did not sit together at the meal.
Did he choose to sit with her ..how did that seating arrangement come abou

Did you not think it was odd your husband was basically ignoring you all night

I agree. He doesn’t respect you OP.

He wants her to finger his bottom and she wants him to marry her- is the joke? Ew. I would think ur gut instinct is right, they have gone betyong being just colleagues

… so I didn’t want to say anything in case it was nothing and it caused an argument after an otherwise lovely night.

@Frimclo, it was very much something and it was not lovely.

It sounds like it was they who looked like a couple. Your H and this OW were chatting together all night, and you had the impression that they were flirting. They were, and they brazenly continued their sexual teasing/frisson right in front of you and others. He (and she) made an utter mockery of you and neither cared who witnessed their sleazy flirting. His colleagues are probably used to it.

A husband who would put on such a disgusting display has checked out. I would assume that his inappropriate relationship with this young woman has been going on for a while now. What is unknown is what stage they are in, but he’ll be flattered and validated by her attention and reliving his youth. You may decide to investigate his phone for further evidence, but I would absolutely confront him. Read him the riot act and don’t allow him to gaslight, minimize, deflect, or shift the blame. You know what you saw and he crossed your boundaries. If my H publicly humiliated me like that, making me an object of gossip and pity, he would be sent packing immediately and I would be researching my options with a solicitor.

Get fierce and refuse to tolerate his contempt, @Frimclo. Be passive at your own peril.

I didn’t get why she said ’Ring’ finger as anatomically speaking that would be awkward but she actually probably meant his ring finger - as in the finger she used for arseholes - in more sense than one obviously 🙄

I'm pretty laid back and generally am all for a quiet life but those comments would have made me say to him immediately "what the f* was that all about?"

I wouldn't like that at all. Her lame response can be put down to her age. But he shouldn't be indulging it and encouraging it.

I would have just said in the car afterwards: "She's a cheeky fucker isn't she, making that ring finger comment infront of your wife? Don't you think you're too old to be flirting with a 25 year old?"

Banter after enough drinks often contains comments which don't make sense or aren't as funny as they seemed at the time, and this sounds exactly like that. I don't think that you have anything to worry about because it happened in your presence, and he was keen to move on rather than stay with the flirting.

But it's definitely worth a frank discussion, and I think that you have to accept that most middle-aged married men wouldn't say no to a risk-free fumble with a 25-year-old from the office, but is it likely that that was on offer?

My guess is that it may have been, but that the moment has passed. Time to improve your relationship and life.

Her dh is in the wrong here. Let’s not blame the woman who likely wouldn’t look twice at him.