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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH and his colleague at dinner tonight

170 replies

Frimclo · 30/10/2025 22:50

DH and I work for the same company, different departments, different floors, very little collaboration between the two, I don’t really know his colleagues and he doesn’t really know mine.
Tonight several of us from various departments went out for drinks, my parents have DS and DD so DH and I took a rare opportunity to join. It evolved into dinner which is fine and everyone was having a great time. I noticed DH was spending a lot of time chatting to one girl in particular, I can’t imagine she’s much more than 25, DH is 42. I felt like they were flirting but upon reflection I can’t remember why I thought that other than a feeling.
As we were leaving something happened I don’t know what exactly but DH said to the girl “did you just give me the middle finger” she replied “I didn’t give you the middle finger” he said “Is there another finger you’d rather give me” (I didn’t really understand this comment) and she replied “yeah my ring one”. It felt very flirty considering I was stood right beside him and made me feel strange. I haven’t mentioned it but it feels like an odd conversation followed by an odd reply? I read it as she was saying she’d like him to marry her? Which considering he is married feels like an awfully weird joke to make.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this and should I mention it to DH?

OP posts:
Phobiaphobic · 31/10/2025 08:54

ReadingSoManyThreads · 31/10/2025 00:13

Well, they're either shagging each other or if not, want to.

Yes. I think your gut instincts are right, OP. Sorry.

ThePoetsWife · 31/10/2025 09:00

Is he senior to her? If so he’s asking for trouble as this could be viewed as sexual harassment

Tuesdayschild50 · 31/10/2025 09:00

Don't be worried about bringing up this shitty behaviour!!
He needs to remember he is 42 not 25 himself get some respect for his wife and his children and find some self respect to not act like that with a colleague right under his wife's nose.
Don't accept his behaviour tell him in no uncertain terms regardless of life being rocky at the moment that you won't accept that from him people only disrespect us when we allow them too.
Don't be afraid of his reactions step up to him and let him know you mean business then you will get your answers.
I'm happily single now and yes my children have grown up been here got the t-shirt.
Don't let him off the hook you deserve emotional peace x

LushLemonTart · 31/10/2025 09:02

CinnamonJellyBeans · 31/10/2025 02:03

I'd be really crushed to be friend zoned by my husband while he chatted up another woman in front of me.

Me too.

He sounds so disrespectful. As does she.

If I still wanted the marriage to work I'd have gone off it. Although tbh if I was being ignored I'd have gone home home.

Citrusbergamia · 31/10/2025 09:02

Listen to your gut.

Either bring it up with him and risk an argument as he'll minimise it and tell you that you're nuts/crazy/batshit and storm off (typical behaviour when they're caught out)

or

just watch from the side-lines. You'll see things that might be subtle but will also be glaringly obvious now your blinkers have been nudged a bit.

Either way, he needs to stop drinking so much with his work colleagues to avoid HR issues in the future...

DiscoBob · 31/10/2025 09:10

I'd say it's his fault for implying he wants her to stick her fingers up his arse?! That's what I took his comment to mean. Fuck knows what hers meant.

It sounds a bit odd for sure.

BrightSpark10 · 31/10/2025 09:12

Is your husband working in the front office by any chance? If so, this is probably not the worst he said. It’s a completely different vibe than back office folk…

TheCaribbeanIsCallingMe · 31/10/2025 09:16

Oh dear. I have actually lived through this almost exact scenario, obviously different words said, but the vibe very much the same. It happened several times with several different women. I don't want to panic you, but for me it didn't end well. It was exactly what my gut was telling me.

Of course he will deny, deny, deny. For me, I went through his phone when he was passed out drunk, and all the evidence was there. I would urge you to do the same. Turned out he was sleeping with my best friend too.

Suffice to say, I left. We also had young kids at the time, it was not easy.

I'm married now to a man who has never been this disrespectful. If he is up to no good, don't waste your best years on him.

But first and foremost, you need to know what you're dealing with, and I would go to any lengths to find that out : go through his texts, whatsapps, e-mails, bank accounts etc. Don't sleepwalk through this.

If there are any nights out in future, I'd pretend to drink, but actually order soft drinks. Order yourself a tonic water and tell him it's a G & T. Your observations when they are drunk and you're not will be telling. I was often drunk when these things happened, and it was always hard to recall exactly what had been said, which makes you doubt yourself.

Ariel896 · 31/10/2025 09:19

OP, I really feel for you. The fact they did this right infront of you, imagine what they do when you’re not there. The level of disrespect is awful. I hope you can talk to him today or at least start some snooping

Nanny0gg · 31/10/2025 09:21

anonymou5e · 30/10/2025 23:24

When I read his response about is there another finger you'd like to give me I immediately thought there's an underlying sexual joke between them. Her quick response about the ring finger feels like she's trying to change the subject knowing you're there.

My first thought too

Ring finger makes no sense - especially in front of his wife

Nanny0gg · 31/10/2025 09:23

Frimclo · 30/10/2025 23:17

Yes I think he will either say oh just a random joke or you misheard. However they were chatting all night and it does feel like a really flirty comment.

And sorry, everyone else will have noticed/be watching

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 31/10/2025 09:25

I read the ring finger rather differently, ie his ring piece (his arsehole) and that’s why he chuckled at the quip. Look, he fancies her. He wouldn’t waste his time bantering and giving her that level of attention if he didn’t. She probably also fancies him, but that doesn’t mean either of them will actually act on it.

How is your marriage generally?

Whatsthatsheila · 31/10/2025 09:29

Well if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck…

in my experience when it comes to work colleagues you trust your instincts…

do some quiet snooping if you can - I’d not be averse to checking his phone.

Do you have a work bestie that can do some subtle digging at work @Frimclo

id only go in guns blazing with proof. I wouldn’t say anything upfront cos if there if the ducks are fucking then they’ll just hide it better

Loloblue · 31/10/2025 09:33

I read the finger as up the bum. But also - how coarse and disgusting, honestly. And the embarrassment for you. You must speak to him and the fact you feel you can't seems like you need to properly evaluate your relationship.

Sunnysideup999 · 31/10/2025 09:34

He wants her to finger his a**.
Both are way out of line and to do this in front of you is beyond disrespectful.

bluesunnyskies · 31/10/2025 09:36

Sorry OP, he was flirting openly in front of you with this woman.

Negroany · 31/10/2025 09:49

Frimclo · 30/10/2025 23:25

Oh gosh maybe I’m a bit of prude as I hadn’t thought of that. I took ring finger to mean marriage/engagement but maybe I’m just not in the know enough to get the joke. Either way not comfortable with those options! I don’t think there is an explanation that falls in colleague or friend category?

He meant "finger to shove up his bum", she meant "engagement ring" (for some obscure reason) unless it was a weird oblique reference to the anus being referred to as one's "ring piece", yeah, maybe it was that?

Either way, horrible. Even if you weren't right there (does she know who you are?) and even if he was single, it's a horrible exchange for a work do.

I wonder why the first question about middle finger arose!

Imbusytodaysorry · 31/10/2025 09:56

wizzywig · 30/10/2025 23:23

Finger in his arse isnt it? Or she wants to marry him?

This !

Imbusytodaysorry · 31/10/2025 09:59

@Frimclo i can’t imagine that happening in front of me and me not saying anything.
Id probably have had plenty to say before it got to that stage .
Op your husband is a dis respectful pig.
He clearly thinks he can do what he likes .

Id be making sure I was in a secure position before this escalates.

LemonTreeGrove · 31/10/2025 09:59

5128gap · 30/10/2025 23:21

I think if anyone knows what a man looks like when he's interested in a woman and flirting, it's his partner. After all, you'll have been on the receiving end yourself so will know the signs, even if they're hard to articulate. I'd trust that more than the opinions of other people as to whether it was something or nothing.

True

FartSock5000 · 31/10/2025 10:02

@Frimclo they fancy each other. This was outright flirting.

He has probably been encouraging her attention. Things not being well at home with you, he's been enjoying this flirtation. It's going to escalate into an emotional affair then a full blown one.

Talk to him now. He will flap around whining about how he's allowed female friends and you are sooooo controlling and wahhhhh but end of the day - you saw it. It happened and it is true.

So, you can try to discuss now and nip it in the bud and work on finding each other again or you can ignore and let this progress and end up divorced down the line when he inevitably shags her.

Communicate now. Give your marriage a chance and then you'll know you did everything you could have done to save it.

Wedontdeservedogs · 31/10/2025 10:04

CinnamonJellyBeans · 31/10/2025 02:03

I'd be really crushed to be friend zoned by my husband while he chatted up another woman in front of me.

Yep, this.
Sorry OP Flowers

Izzywizzy85 · 31/10/2025 10:05

He’s been really disrespectful to you. So has she, but really she’s young and owes you nothing. Why was he sitting with her all night instead of his wife? What a tit.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 31/10/2025 10:06

I think in these circumstances, checking his phone would be justified.

I also thought 'finger up the bum' from his question. Sorry OP.

Even if nothing is going on, I would not be impressed with this behaviour at work. If a load of Internet randoms are thinking sexual references then a lot of your colleagues will be as well. And that's not OK especially for a manager.

Splendidbouquet · 31/10/2025 10:07

Frimclo · 30/10/2025 23:37

Yes and I’m only part time so I’m only in 2 days a week. He also has the option to work from home 2 days a week but chooses not to, his office is pretty empty on Fridays but I’m sure she tends to go in too.

This is a very worrying update OP.

The two of them together in an otherwise virtually empty office?
And the two of them comfortable flirting and having sexual conversations right in front of you?
If their relationship hasn't turned physical yet then it sounds as though it's well on track to happen soon.

Honestly OP you need to have a conversation with him. Not just about his behaviour at the event but about his relationship with his colleague.