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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and his colleague at dinner tonight

170 replies

Frimclo · 30/10/2025 22:50

DH and I work for the same company, different departments, different floors, very little collaboration between the two, I don’t really know his colleagues and he doesn’t really know mine.
Tonight several of us from various departments went out for drinks, my parents have DS and DD so DH and I took a rare opportunity to join. It evolved into dinner which is fine and everyone was having a great time. I noticed DH was spending a lot of time chatting to one girl in particular, I can’t imagine she’s much more than 25, DH is 42. I felt like they were flirting but upon reflection I can’t remember why I thought that other than a feeling.
As we were leaving something happened I don’t know what exactly but DH said to the girl “did you just give me the middle finger” she replied “I didn’t give you the middle finger” he said “Is there another finger you’d rather give me” (I didn’t really understand this comment) and she replied “yeah my ring one”. It felt very flirty considering I was stood right beside him and made me feel strange. I haven’t mentioned it but it feels like an odd conversation followed by an odd reply? I read it as she was saying she’d like him to marry her? Which considering he is married feels like an awfully weird joke to make.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this and should I mention it to DH?

OP posts:
nomas · 31/10/2025 06:55

Frimclo · 30/10/2025 23:25

Oh gosh maybe I’m a bit of prude as I hadn’t thought of that. I took ring finger to mean marriage/engagement but maybe I’m just not in the know enough to get the joke. Either way not comfortable with those options! I don’t think there is an explanation that falls in colleague or friend category?

Show quote history

Many men want a finger up their arse during sex.

He is a sleaze bag to say such things in front of you. This would be the start of the end for me.

Toydrum · 31/10/2025 07:03

bluebettyy · 31/10/2025 06:54

Her dh is in the wrong here. Let’s not blame the woman who likely wouldn’t look twice at him.

Show quote history

I agree but in solidarity to women it would have been good if the colleague hadn’t encouraged him.

TattooStan · 31/10/2025 07:08

bluebettyy · 31/10/2025 06:54

Her dh is in the wrong here. Let’s not blame the woman who likely wouldn’t look twice at him.

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Yes totally, he's mostly in the wrong, although she also shouldn't be so distespectful infront of his wife.
But she wouldn't be around to hear the comment, so I'd still probably address it like this with him afterwards.

babyproblems · 31/10/2025 07:36

I wouldn’t say anything but I would start watching v carefully. Read some of the threads on here about emotional affairs - there are so so many. I expect this is very early days but it’s set on that path imo. Who speaks like that?? Not two normal work colleagues. He needs to be very careful about jokes that are suggestive or even conversation that could be interpreted in that way. Have we all forgotten Me Too? Maybe she was playing along or instigating even but he’s on thin ice in every sense.

Itworkedout · 31/10/2025 07:51

Maybe he was drunk and gave himself away in front of you. But she clearly didn’t care that you knew either. There’s banter and then a step too far. Maybe it’s a jokey friendship but it’s flirting too. Don’t ignore your gut feeling op. I would investigate quietly and see what else you can find out.

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 31/10/2025 07:54

I'd have said something along the lines of "Wow, you would think I wasn't even here, come on you" but that's me I just blurt stuff out

I would be saying something to him, asking what the private joke was about

OchreRaven · 31/10/2025 08:01

Not ok. Definitely means a finger up the bum (or could mean marriage which is what she said). Either way asking your young female colleague to marry you or play with your bum in front of your wife is not okay. Totally disrespectful to you and could be considered sexual harassment if she chose to go to HR so he’s risking your family’s financial future as well.

I would calmly ask him what was meant as it made you uncomfortable. If he tries to fob you off then tell him you will assume he meant he was suggesting she fingered his bum and calmly explain why that is not an acceptable joke for a married man at a work event. If he doesn’t get it then I would seriously be considering if this was the person I wanted to spend my life with and whether I could trust him to not over step boundaries he doesn’t even recognise.

Catwoman8 · 31/10/2025 08:10

Don't just brush this under the carpet , you need to have a conversation about it. He needs to know the conversation was inappropriate and how it made you feel.

divorcinganabsolutewanker · 31/10/2025 08:22

Why didn't you say something there and then!

Zempy · 31/10/2025 08:22

It’s never dandruffy Keith is it?

The reference is about her finger up his bum.

I would go apeshit about this.

bluebettyy · 31/10/2025 08:24

OchreRaven · 31/10/2025 08:01

Not ok. Definitely means a finger up the bum (or could mean marriage which is what she said). Either way asking your young female colleague to marry you or play with your bum in front of your wife is not okay. Totally disrespectful to you and could be considered sexual harassment if she chose to go to HR so he’s risking your family’s financial future as well.

I would calmly ask him what was meant as it made you uncomfortable. If he tries to fob you off then tell him you will assume he meant he was suggesting she fingered his bum and calmly explain why that is not an acceptable joke for a married man at a work event. If he doesn’t get it then I would seriously be considering if this was the person I wanted to spend my life with and whether I could trust him to not over step boundaries he doesn’t even recognise.

Edited

I hope she does go to HR. Letcherous middle aged men get away with this stuff too often

CosySeason · 31/10/2025 08:27

Your instinct is telling you that something is off and they were blatantly upfront about their cringey flirting. Makes me wonder if this is going on all day at work.

surreygirly · 31/10/2025 08:27

banter would not bother me in the least

Duckyfondant · 31/10/2025 08:29

He was flirting. I don't think she was at all. He sounds disgusting to be honest. I'd maybe jump ship before he cheats, if he hasn't already.

Didimum · 31/10/2025 08:34

It’s flirting. Brazen and disrespectful. Imagine how they talk to each other when you’re NOT there?

I’d be furious, OP. Find your self-respect, as you sound quite trodden down.

LAMPS1 · 31/10/2025 08:34

That’s the thing about flirting….nobody else gets the little in-jokes and fine nuance of the conversation, although that was all rather blatantly sexual.
I’d have been cringing to have heard that I’m afraid OP. And very worried about his fidelity. No way I couldn’t have asked him about it when home.

IstillloveKingThistle · 31/10/2025 08:34

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 30/10/2025 23:22

You need to be on this and concerned

Agree.

You’ll never find a better friend than your gut instinct. I’ve been there - twice . He knows I know- despite evidence.

That was flirty . Ring I woukd take as “ arse “ as in ring. Just my perception.
Definitely not normal and you heard what you heard.

computergrandma · 31/10/2025 08:36

Frimclo · 30/10/2025 22:50

DH and I work for the same company, different departments, different floors, very little collaboration between the two, I don’t really know his colleagues and he doesn’t really know mine.
Tonight several of us from various departments went out for drinks, my parents have DS and DD so DH and I took a rare opportunity to join. It evolved into dinner which is fine and everyone was having a great time. I noticed DH was spending a lot of time chatting to one girl in particular, I can’t imagine she’s much more than 25, DH is 42. I felt like they were flirting but upon reflection I can’t remember why I thought that other than a feeling.
As we were leaving something happened I don’t know what exactly but DH said to the girl “did you just give me the middle finger” she replied “I didn’t give you the middle finger” he said “Is there another finger you’d rather give me” (I didn’t really understand this comment) and she replied “yeah my ring one”. It felt very flirty considering I was stood right beside him and made me feel strange. I haven’t mentioned it but it feels like an odd conversation followed by an odd reply? I read it as she was saying she’d like him to marry her? Which considering he is married feels like an awfully weird joke to make.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this and should I mention it to DH?

There seems to be a big age difference between your DH and the girl so I doubt she'd be interested in him. Maybe it appeals to his ego to think she might find him attractive at his age? Also, work colleagues can become close purely in a platonic way as they spend so much time together, so perhaps he just found it easy to chat and joke with her. Hopefully there were other work colleagues there who he's equally comfortable with.

IstillloveKingThistle · 31/10/2025 08:36

surreygirly · 31/10/2025 08:27

banter would not bother me in the least

That didn’t sound like banter. I’d love to know what your perception of not banter is…

Namechangerage · 31/10/2025 08:37

I was also thinking the arse thing. It seems like banter with a sexual undercurrent. Flying close to the edge but not quite over. Th fact he could disrespect you like that is worrying. Is there anyone you know and can trust who spends time with them at work to ask them about it?

Namechangerage · 31/10/2025 08:38

computergrandma · 31/10/2025 08:36

There seems to be a big age difference between your DH and the girl so I doubt she'd be interested in him. Maybe it appeals to his ego to think she might find him attractive at his age? Also, work colleagues can become close purely in a platonic way as they spend so much time together, so perhaps he just found it easy to chat and joke with her. Hopefully there were other work colleagues there who he's equally comfortable with.

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Lots of affairs happen between men in their forties and women in their twenties, oldest story in the book.

OP I would trust your gut here. Ask him about in a calm moment.

Bigtreeesss · 31/10/2025 08:39

Could you ask to borrow his phone to look something up because yours has died and have a snoop

i think you’re guts telling you somethings up and even if it is just flirting it’s not appropriate at all and doing that in front of you & his colleagues I’d hate to think what they’re like when you’re not around

lovescats3 · 31/10/2025 08:42

Are you going to put up with this shit ? You deserve more.it was sexual and they are either having an affair or well on the way to it.

lovescats3 · 31/10/2025 08:43

You need to raise your standards - how can an evening be lovely when your husband spends it chatting up another woman?

SqB · 31/10/2025 08:48

When people say ‘ring finger’ that is sometimes linked to someone giving them their ring, as in, anal. I had someone say this to me and was horrified