To think some people secretly resent relationships that aren’t 50/50, especially when the woman’s genuinely cared for?

[CherishedNotChained]

I’ve noticed a pattern in a few friendships - when they realise my relationship isn’t totally “equal” in the 50/50 sense (my husband does more of the providing, takes care of a lot of things and I handle others), they act a bit off. It’s not like I brag or make comparisons but there’s this subtle tone of judgement, like being looked after automatically means you’re “less empowered.” I actually feel respected and cherished, not controlled but I get the sense some people only approve of relationships that look perfectly “balanced” on paper.

AIBU to think some people are quietly jealous or uncomfortable when they see a woman being treated well, especially if it doesn’t fit the modern 50/50 ideal?

This thread is so vague it's ridiculous OP.

Do you have children?

Do you work outside of the home?

Do you have your own pension?

What exactly do you split on a day to day basis?

If you can't be arsed to answer these simple questions, what was the point in starting a thread?

It's like pushing water up a hill with a pair of chopsticks.

OK. So what are your strengths and contributions? And what are his?

If it's 'just a normal relationship' why do you think people are resentful of it?

All relationships involve different strengths and contributions. For example, my partner earns a bit more than I do, so we split our mortgage and bills proportionately to what we earn. And in terms of household stuff, we each tend to do the stuff we're best at, or like more. Why do you think anyone would be resentful of that?

well, maybe in your world. Definitely not in mine. Most people I know just want to feel that there's quality in the amount of time they get to sit on their butt doing nothing.

So if you're making your husband a whisky sour, getting dressed up for him and never letting him see you without make up becuase that' simportant to him, then sure, I'm going to think your relationship is a bit odd. I'm not going to be jealous though.

And if he earns all the money and controls it and so comes home and brings you diamond ear rings or flowers but you can't buy a new pair of jeans unless he gives you some cash, then yes, I have an issue with that. But again, I'm not jealous. If your husband shows his love and care for you by thiniking about what you would like and need and proactively doing that fo ryou, then I might be a little jealous becuase DH, for all his many great qualities, doesnt have the ability for even the most basic of forethought!

This absolutely. All the years I was married (widowed now) I don't think I ever discussed the inner workings of my marriage with anybody. The only time any of my friends ever wanted to talk about their marriages to me was when it was going to ratshit and they wanted comfort/validation.

I've noticed that people can be quite judgey of our relationship because whilst we both work FT, DH does a bit more of the housework and childcare. Nobody would bat an eyelid if it was the other way around. The "split" in terms of money is irrelevant, everything all goes into one pot. Most of our relationship, he's earned more, but now I do. It always completely shocks me that anyone thinks they have a right to make judgements about the division of labour in our relationship, in which we're both very happy. It seems to be people who don't have much success in finding stable relationships themselves. I would advise to pay no attention OP.

Me thinks the lady doth protest too much....

You’re all wasting your time. You will not get any concrete answers. They are always the same. You’ll start spotting them a mile off soon.

You still arent making any sense. You say these topics come up "indirectly"- how? how can you "indirectly" grill someone about the specifics of what they do in the house and what their husband does?

Who are these people who are constantly asking you about your relationship?

Seems like nonsense.

You’re being so coy. Do you do all the housework? It sounds like you do all the housework.

You’ve understood it almost exactly right - it’s not a rigidly “traditional” setup but yes, he takes on more of the financial side and I handle more of the domestic and emotional load. What I’ve noticed is that some people seem a bit surprised or even uncomfortable when they realise that, as if it automatically means there’s a power imbalance.

But for us it genuinely feels fair and balanced, we both feel supported and appreciated. I think that’s what I was getting at, how some people interpret “being looked after” as old-fashioned, when in reality it can just mean being cared for in a way that works best for you as a couple.

I do get negative comments about my relationship from some people. I don’t know that they’re jealous, I have no idea. But I do get inexplicable bad vibes from SOME (not all!) people as they learn more about my relationship.

I’m not a SAHM, though I have been in the past. But I only work part time in the evenings as I have toddlers with me at home in the day, and I get to spend some time on my ‘passion project’ which earns precious little money but I’m very good at it.

I had shitty remarks especially when I was a SAHM, but nothing compares to the disdain and horror I get when people learn my husband also does a great deal of the housework 🤣 I’m exaggerating a little obviously, but people really, really don’t seem to like it. I love cooking and tbh actually enjoy cleaning, so I do lots in the house when I’m home and my husband is at work. But my husband is just very much a “provider” to his core, he cannot stand to be doing nothing whilst I’m busy with something. I think he sees it as his life’s mission to make my life as comfortable as possible in any way he can. I don’t think that’s particularly unusual, my grandad was exactly the same for my grandma.

but yes. People do act like I’m some sort of she-devil succubus because my poor husband does quite a bit of cooking, ironing, laundry… sorry!

I agree OP, I think it is resented and there is a lot of jealousy. My DH is a high earner and I haven't worked a "job" pretty much since we've been together. I work as an artist (I have my BA and MA in Fine Art) but I'm honest enough to say that my art career, while lucrative wouldn't be able to afford me the kind of lifestyle I currently have which is down to DH.

I know people will say I'm vulnerable but in my case it isn't true. Any savings we have are joint and every penny DH saves in his own name he matches with savings and investments in my name, we split it down the middle. Everything we have is ours to share.

I've definitely seen jealousy masquerading as concern as well as straight up envy and bitterness from other women over my situation. Honestly I don't want to go into all the details of our financial arrangements with nosey, envious women so I just let them stew.

What you’ve described is very much a standard relationship. There are outliers, but men generally earn more and women generally do more domestic labour (I’m not making value judgements, but that’s the state of things).

As such, I have to ask what (again, please be specific) you meant by this: What I’ve noticed is that some people assume that can’t be equal because it doesn’t look 50/50 in a spreadsheet sense.

What would you consider ‘50/50 in a spreadsheet sense’? And, as it’s unlikely to be the state of affairs in the majority of relationships, how can people ‘secretly resent’ relationships that aren’t? Unless they’re resenting the majority of relationships (likely including their own)?

I don’t get this at all. I don’t know any couples who split every single household task and financial 50/50. I know some couples where one partner isn’t in paid employment and does the bulk of household stuff and some where both work and household tasks are split according to working hours, skills etc. Some who have an income disparity, others where it’s similar. The only thing that I feel should be as close to 50/50 as possible is leisure time and I’d be concerned if a friend wasn’t getting that, or close to that. Other than that, crack on.

this is where I disagree. I personally don’t think I could ever feel “completely balanced” if the financial aspect isn’t equal.

if dh or I earned enough that meant one of us could not work but still have enough disposable income to be putting enough money aside in pensions and savings for each that should the worst happen each person would be equally financially stable, then ok.

the reality is very few people earn enough to do that.

currently I feel “balanced” because I am not dependent on him. Our power dynamic is equal. He could leave or die tomorrow and I would still be able to pay mortgage, bills, and be financially stable without his income. I could leave and he’s be the same.

if you are dependent on him and his income, and would struggle to pay your way without, then it isn’t equal is it? You are tied to him in a way he isn’t tied to you. You can’t walk away because how do you pay rent on a new place, find a deposit, how will you live when you’re older with no pension.

that isn’t balanced to me. That’s one person holding the power and the relationship together.

I'm getting strong Samantha Brick vibes.

You sound really quite obnoxious. I couldn’t care less how my friends organise their relationships and wouldn’t have a clue how equal they are. Are you sure it’s not you who is jealous of others’ more equal relationships and you are trying to justify your own.

I don’t want to be “cherished” or “treated well”. I want to be equal.
Sorry OP.

Haha, nothing that mysterious - we both work full-time, he just earns more and tends to take on the financial side while I manage more of the home and life admin. It’s really quite ordinary, which is why I find it funny that some people react like it’s unusual. The post was more about how different people interpret fairness or equality than about our setup specifically.

Maybe you are overthinking it ? Do you want people to show they are envious of you rather than a bit surprised ? I totally agree that no one should be keeping a score card but you shouldn't expect people to praise you or look up to you

You say you aren’t vulnerable, but what would happen if you separated? Or he had an accident or other issues meant he couldn’t work?

how do you support yourself, or both of you then? Are your investments enough to support you for 3-5 years until you can start earning and supporting yourself? Enough to pay rent, or buy? Do you have the earning power to support yourself? Do you have pensions as well?

If so, great. Most don’t. If not, that’s where the vulnerability lies…

All the same

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5435175-to-think-that-fatphobia-is-sometimes-just-discomfort-with-the-truth-about-health?page=1

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5435894-to-think-that-sometimes-knowing-too-much-only-ends-up-hurting-you?reply=148179505

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5433064-to-not-want-to-date-men-who-dont-have-degrees?page=1

But that all sounds completely normal and would in fact reflect the majority of relationships. So id imagine you are in fact misreading these reactions you think you are getting.

I’m definitely not assuming that at all, I think respect should be the foundation of any healthy relationship, whatever the setup.
What I meant is that some people seem to link “equality” only to practical things like who earns what or who does which chores and overlook the emotional balance that can exist even when roles look more traditional.
For me, respect and care are what make it equal, not whether it’s a textbook 50/50 split.

Thanks for all the replies, I’d stay and debate equality theory all night, but I’m off to play badminton 🏸
(Maybe that’s our real 50/50 - he serves, I smash 😄)