To think some people secretly resent relationships that aren’t 50/50, especially when the woman’s genuinely cared for?

[CherishedNotChained]

I’ve noticed a pattern in a few friendships - when they realise my relationship isn’t totally “equal” in the 50/50 sense (my husband does more of the providing, takes care of a lot of things and I handle others), they act a bit off. It’s not like I brag or make comparisons but there’s this subtle tone of judgement, like being looked after automatically means you’re “less empowered.” I actually feel respected and cherished, not controlled but I get the sense some people only approve of relationships that look perfectly “balanced” on paper.

AIBU to think some people are quietly jealous or uncomfortable when they see a woman being treated well, especially if it doesn’t fit the modern 50/50 ideal?

You are happy to work more than he does ? Because he loves you and respects you … in words. And you hope /pretend people are jealous of you because something inside you is ? scared ?

I'm good for all of that and more. I might be provided for by my husband but I'm not an idiot.

Yes, I’m not sure people are secretly resentful of you - more like potentially worried for you. I mean, if you’re going to be doing all the home jobs as well as working full time, it’s good that your DH appreciates it, but personally I’d rather he mucked in instead of just being appreciative.

Personally I think it’s always a mistake to divide work up in such a fixed way OP. It’s never good to become de-skilled. Nothing lasts for ever and I’ve seen many situations where a man is widowed and has no idea how to cook a meal or what days the kids do swimming. Or a woman is widowed and can’t pay a bill or change a light bulb. These are extreme examples but you get the idea.

I agree, and my situation is nothing like yours so there is no bias. People find it hard to accept that a woman could be fulfilled and happy in a relationship that isn't 50/50 and I suspect that often comes from a place of resentment as they don't feel they have the option to live that way. I don't think it's that way for everyone, some women are more fulfilled in a career and want independence but just don't understand that other women can be fulfilled and feel safe in other ways. There are definitely some who are that way due to jealousy and resentment though.

You haven't given a single example of these reactions or statements. Your posts are frustratingly vague. It's probably all in your head.

Yeah, it sounds more like concern that even though you work the same hours, you are expected to do the majority of the housework and other admin while he contributes a bit of extra cash.

So you are basically a house wife, but also have a full time job on top? And the fact you get to keep your wages because he pays for everything and he's nice to you makes it OK for you? And he gets all the housework etc done so he's OK with it too.

It's up to you how you spend your time OP. I'd rather have half the time back.

I am curious though, was it explicitly agreed? Did you one day have a conversation in which it was agreed that you would do everything and he would pay for everything?

Hmmm.... Really odd that people find your set up unusual in that case! Most households with young kids are similar....

Possibly you are getting people's backs ups by describing your situation being cherished and taken care of. It is an odd infantalising way of describing what is just normal life

i do not know the financial set up of my closest girlfriends
nor would I ask , nor would it ever come up in conversation
so the fact that it is coming up suggests that either you are desiring it to be discussed and wedging it into conversation because you know it is wrong and subconscious asking for help or they are bringing it up because they are worried about you

the fact you a perceiving a negative reaction tells more about you
you either desire to be a controversial rebel
or you are expecting a negative reaction and go looking for it

either way you know your set up is controversial do either shut up and crack on and enjoy it privately
or
change the dynamic

Yeah, I'm a tad smug in my relationship too. I hear friends and colleagues moaning about their inept men and quietly smile to myself. He's not a great cook but he's good at heating things up.

If you both work full-time, what does it mean for him to take care of the financial side and you take care of the home? Does that mean he physically is the one who pays the bills each month while you tend to do the laundry? Does it leave you both with equal amounts of leisure time?

Or is this a situation that because he earns more, you have to make up for it by being the domestic servant?

It is not judgement, I think, it is jealousy. I am the sole breadwinner, have been for the past n-number of years, due to extraneous circs beyond my dh's and my control. And yes, I feel jealous, because it is nice to be looked after, financially and morally, without a doubt. To not carry the burden all the time by yourself. I don't know what it feels like in the 50/50 type of a relationship, so can't comment on the 'a bit off' by that brigade.

Both myself and my dh work full time and I do by far the majority of the admin, childcare, cleaning, washing, shopping. Cooking is almost even probably I do 60% . And I also look after all the finances. The finances are the easy pretty much automated part. The rest is much more effort so maybe your friends are just watching out for you, it’s not really fair. I know from experience!

So he handles 'financial side'

If he dropped dead tomorrow. Would you know bills to pay etc

I doubt people are jealous in this scenario... it sounds like you're both working full time but you're doing most of the domestic tasks too.

If it works for you that's fair enough but I'm struggling to understand why you think people would envy your set up?

Op for this reason I wouldn’t event disclose how lucky you have it to friends because it just invites jealousy and judgement.

I know close friends and relatives who are in relationships where husbands provide and there is none of that silly 50/50 crap. Some of them have never paid for a meal in 15 years of marriage. Before people start jumping on saying wait till he leaves you for a younger model or whateevr, these aren’t ‘trad wives’ they’re professionals themselves. Some work and some don’t. They have pensions and savings. Some even have their own investments. So if shit hit the fan they have safety nets.

The bottom line is the husband does majority of the earning and paying if not all. It’s the wife’s choice if she wants to contribute and there’s no expectation from the husband for wife to do so.

This is it, isn't it?

And no doubt also why the OP has been so vague.

It eventually transpires that he does the online banking and she does the housework, cooking and 'life admin'.

It sounds about as equal as a tonne of bricks and a butterfly on a weighing scales.

It’s the word “jealous” that gets me. That women - and it’s only women - who dare to comment on anything in a less than gushing fashion are bitter and jealous.

Why would your friends know the ins and outs of your relationship dynamics anyway unless you’re bragging or over sharing?

“Some have never paid for a meal”

how crazy is that ? Once you are married it’s legally as much yours as his even if he flashes the card on

Hmm. Are we experiencing a sudden influx of tradwife posts? Seems to be rather a lot of this bollocks around at the moment.

Surely nobody thinks any relationship is "split exactly 50/50". That would mean each partner works half a week, gets paid the same, does half the housework and half the DIY/car maintenance, half the childcare (and half the pregnancy?) and they take it in strict turns to choose what to watch on TV.

OP's comparing a situation in which she does 100% of the home & family stuff, earning 0% of the money, with a non-existent comparator. And, for some reason, claiming that dependence on her partner is loads better than the imaginary 50/50 situation.

EDIT: I hadn't read the whole thread because it's so irritating 😂 Now I see she does earn a living and is in a fairly normal relationship. Which makes it even more irritating!

I think it's just the "being looked after" phrase that gets me. I'm a SAHM and do most of the childcare and cooking. Tbh me and husband share housework as it's often easier for me to look after the children while he cleans up.

Anyway my point is... I don't see myself as "looked after" at all. I see myself as making a valuable contribution to a household and feel very infantalised at the idea of being "looked after". I like to think that me and my husband "look after" each other. I think that kind of language absolutely suggests a power imbalance even if there isn't one, as you say.

I think in a lot of modern day relationships, women do more than their fair share. So maybe both spouses’ financial contributions are 50:50 but the woman does a lot more in terms of childcare, housework and the mental load. So these households are more 65:35 - with the woman doing the bulk (but described as 50:50 as salaries are broadly equal).

If the above is true of any of the friends you are talking to, i think they probably feel a bit resentful and disappointed. And your situation (which sounds more 50:50 in terms of being fair & equal) brings it home to them that some women do have an equal partner.

Thats just a guess though. And obviously there are plenty of families where the man does an equal share (or even more)

Great point.

Yes what an odd way of thinking - do some people just not get what a marriage is in the first place ? and think it is more like friends living together in the same house ?