To think some people secretly resent relationships that aren’t 50/50, especially when the woman’s genuinely cared for?

[CherishedNotChained]

I’ve noticed a pattern in a few friendships - when they realise my relationship isn’t totally “equal” in the 50/50 sense (my husband does more of the providing, takes care of a lot of things and I handle others), they act a bit off. It’s not like I brag or make comparisons but there’s this subtle tone of judgement, like being looked after automatically means you’re “less empowered.” I actually feel respected and cherished, not controlled but I get the sense some people only approve of relationships that look perfectly “balanced” on paper.

AIBU to think some people are quietly jealous or uncomfortable when they see a woman being treated well, especially if it doesn’t fit the modern 50/50 ideal?

I think traditional setups can work if the division of labour is equal, in whatever way that pans out for the couple. Where friends may be concerned (perhaps unduly) is if they perceive an obvious unfairness to your situation. For example, as you’ve said both of you work full time, it’s largely irrelevant if your husband earns more when it comes to domestic labour unless his job is much more demanding and stressful than yours and translates to lots of extra hours and mental load than your job.

So I suppose one question in friends’ minds may be whether or not his domestic contributions are equal to (which doesn’t mean identical to) yours. I’m not making a judgement because I can’t know, but as an example, unless your finances are very involved, then I would think it unlikely that managing them takes as much time as the cleaning (just to use my earlier example). But overall, things may well balance up very well in your relationship. Having said that, I’ve come across traditional setups that in reality often mean the woman is bearing much more of the load. If he is doing all the DIY in a complex older house, regularly maintaining an unreliable car, managing a range of bank accounts and investments, working hard to maintain a large garden, organising all tradespeople and taking a lead on planning holidays, while you cook, clean, do laundry and shop, then that might well work out as fair. If he’s just making sure direct debits are set up and the odd DIY job is done, but frequently buying you flowers and chocolates to make you feel ‘appreciated’, then lots of people might feel uncomfortable or concerned about their friend in that situation.

Where I do think traditional setups can be problematic (even with a fair division of labour) is if they extend into attitudes that disadvantage the woman, e.g. a belief that because the man oversees the finances, she shouldn’t have input into major financial decisions. I would personally feel uncomfortable with that (just as an example) for any friend.

Assuming your situation is the positive version of the above, your friends may be surprised at your traditional setup if you’re quite young, but I don’t think anyone would feel jealous of this setup specifically. A genuinely equal division of labour can take many forms and I think people would only potentially be jealous if their version of labour division is not equal or they are treated badly by their partners while your situation is great.

Am I getting this right; you don't work but your DH provides financially and loves and respects all that you do? Well that's wonderful to have such a great relationship and simply that, it's about you both as a couple.

So, you feel your friends who work are jealous, but is this because of your closeness rather than having to work? Is it just because they grumble and say how lucky you are or do you complain about your situation?

I've always worked and have some friends who don't but are very well off financially due their partners' earnings. What i think of them purely comes down to their personality.

A is beautiful, generous, caring, will be so happy to see me and knows how difficult it is to meet up, will cook at her house, does so much for others. A really remarkable woman, a privilege to have her as a friend.

B will be arsey that I can't see her when she wants to, moan all the time about insignificant things like an annoying person at her gym, cancels at last minute because she got up late.

So, as I said, all comes down to the value of a friendship, not money.

Do I feel a bit envious of them not having to work? Probably yes, but it's a tiny factor in my opinion and more how much I value them as a friend.

Theyre gonna come for you 😭 but yanbu at all

Being cared for and wanted and protected by a man is a lovely thing 🤷‍♀️

I’m convinced I’ve read this same post before, your writing style and lack of detail is distinctive! If you’re happy you don’t need our validation! Would you describe yourself as a tradwife?

I'm not sure OP - maybe - but it may also be that what they're trying to hide is concern at what they perceived of as your naivety. Because many women in your position end up very financially insecure and trapped and much poorer than their equivalents who fought for financial equality. If he's earning and you're doing stuff at home, is he also contributing to your savings or would you end up poorer if you split now ?

Some of these women even have investments?! Is that allowed?! Equality gone mad.

🙄

I mentioned that because there is an automatic outrage from MNS when posts like these go up because they assume any woman whose financial needs are looked after by her husband will therefore have no personal finance of her own. This is just isn’t true and we don’t hear from these women because they often don’t have much to complain about that’s why you see a lot of resentful posts about women in 50/50 situations instead.

There are marriages out there where his money is the families money but her’s is hers.

Op I’m surprised you would disclose your personal finances to friends it’s not worth it in the current climate of 50/50 culture.

It was definitely politically incorrect for me to be a stay at home mom back in the 80s and 90s.

I did get a lot of attitude about dependency on my husband as if it were some kind of weakness or lack of gumption.

But the women giving me this attitude, didn’t get that they were just as dependent on their day care; basically having to trust strangers, where I had a loving husband.

Some of those same judgy women wouldn’t stay home and do all that hard work if their life depended on it. They enjoy their independence. Their lunch breaks and their work wardrobe. I got that and didn’t begrudge them their choices.

Other women who needed to contribute to the household income but wanted to be at home with their kids worked it out come hell or high water; taking in work at home in creative ways when work at home was not a thing. That is gumption.

Every mom makes choices, whether they want to admit it or not.

Let’s face it, raising kids in not glamorous. It is 24/7 hard work for no pay taking endless patience and offering little recognition. On occasion a sweet older woman would stop and take the time to tell me or my husband that we were giving our children the best gift possible.

I wanted to take a minute to be the older woman to tell you. I know it’s not easy. I have some idea of some of the sacrifices you make either personal or financial. You are giving your children the best gift you possibly can. Don’t let anyone insinuate or tell you outright that you’re being lazy or selfish.

Good on you!

I'm not sure any relationship is exactly 50/50, or anyone breaks it down in enough detail to be able to work that out.

However I must admit if a friend of mine described their relationship as " being looked after" and "cherished" and
where they were "cared for" - and especially to hear this whole set up being described as making people "uncomfortable when they see a woman being treated well", as if that was the only way women were treated well - I would also look a little askance.

I promise I am not jealous, but to me words like that are ones I would use for a child, or a pet. It implies to me a power imbalance, especially all of those phrase together.

Now you may have the best relationship ever, and of course I also care about my husband - but I am not sure I'd describe it as caring "for" him, and I would find it quite infantalising if he described our relationship as him "providing and caring for me". So perhaps your friends share my interpretations, rather than are directly jealous of your set up

It would be very strange to me to resent a ‘50/50’ situation. In an equal partnership with my husband I expect us both to contribute what we can financially (not necessarily literally 50/50), and wouldn’t expect my husband to provide for me while I sat on my own separate finances. That would feel unfair to my husband.

Haven’t RTFT but why are there so many trad wives coming on MN? It’s weird.

Sounds to me like he’s got it easy, not you!

Think she means envious, not jealous! Two different things

No relationship is 50/50 unless you are earning exactly the same amount at work, working exactly the same hours and doing exactly the same at home … this is never going to happen.
You talk of 50/50 in other ways but again, some relation are like this, some not.
Everyone works differently and has different priorities. Some maybe not be happy staying home and having the bills paid, some might wish they could.
You obviously think that you are not working but are cherished regardless and all your friends are jealous of this fact … or that’s what I took from the post. I think you hope that they are, or think that they should be … in reality they probably don’t care or are glad that they are not in your position 🤷🏻‍♀️

Beats me, it’s like they don’t realise many of us are old enough to remember exactly why women need rights beyond being allowed to get married.

I can see this in the Daily Mail: ‘I’m shamed because my husband treats me like a princess - but other women are just jealous’

I understand. I am not suggesting there is a right or wrong way but pointing out that there are marriages that operate in the way I have described. It makes sense for some to do that.

An entire thread of OP trying to say she’s a trad wife without saying she’s a trad wife.

And no actual examples whatsoever of what
she is harping about, but if this is genuine, which I doubt, and she speaks the way she writes, I imagine any reactions are to do with her irritating communication style and smugness rather than anything else.

OP must have very odd conversations with her friends. I can’t imagine discussing our relative incomes and chore division with anyone

I am not really interested in the balance in other peoples‘relationships,each to their own
In my own marriage we have a very equal relationship which is important to us both

I wish pp would RTFT before assuming (easily done thanks to the vague OP) that the OP is a SAHM that’s “looked after” as it turns out she works as much as her husband and is lucky enough to do all the household chores and life admin. We’re all just jealous!

Or oversharing? Why on earth are you even having these sorts of discussions?

I don't tell people whether my husband puts out the bins or does the washing up or fits shelves?

In these kind of traditional marriages that OP is talking about there us DEFO more pressure on women to have sex wih their husbands more, as part of the deal, regularly and when they're not feeling like this.

I guess the question is, do you have similar free time? His taking care of finances, is that just paying for stuff that’s set up on direct debits and he doesn’t really need to do anything week to week, and then you do 3-4 hours of housework each day on top of working and he sits around being looked after?

I would perhaps judge you a bit if your relationship came across as if you were mothering him. I find men who are unable or unprepared to fend for themselves pathetic and I might judge you for actively seeking that out.

I’d say that’s normal for all relationships though! I also don’t get what you mean? At first I thought it was that you didn’t work (or SAHM) which is my dream so I wouldn’t judge but would feel jealous! DH has said he’d keep working even if we win the lottery as he enjoys it so I guess we’d both be happy 😂