To think some people secretly resent relationships that aren’t 50/50, especially when the woman’s genuinely cared for?

[CherishedNotChained]

I’ve noticed a pattern in a few friendships - when they realise my relationship isn’t totally “equal” in the 50/50 sense (my husband does more of the providing, takes care of a lot of things and I handle others), they act a bit off. It’s not like I brag or make comparisons but there’s this subtle tone of judgement, like being looked after automatically means you’re “less empowered.” I actually feel respected and cherished, not controlled but I get the sense some people only approve of relationships that look perfectly “balanced” on paper.

AIBU to think some people are quietly jealous or uncomfortable when they see a woman being treated well, especially if it doesn’t fit the modern 50/50 ideal?

So you both work full time but because he earns more he does less domestic labour and management of the mental load? As long as you are happy with that then there’s nothing for you to worry about. 🤷🏻‍♀️

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Why is this topic coming up so much? I have several friendship groups and who does what or who pays for what very rarely if ever comes up. Are you sure you're not threading it into the conversation yourself?

I don't understand your question. Surely the starting point in any relationship is quid pro quo. Each party brings something to the relationship so it evens out. Certainly how my relationship works and most people I know, although there are some horror stories on mn

It's kind of hard without knowing what your relationship dynamics actually are.

But to ne, feeling cherishes, respected, loved and safe should be a minimum in any relationship. The way youve written it, it sounds to me like you're saying you feel so loved that it's fine your husband doesn't pull his weight in practical matters. Like it doesn't matter that you have to pick his dirty underwear and wet towels and rubbish off the floor, because 'seeing mess' isn't his strength (poor man) and he gives great hugs so it's all good.

Either that or you have made the assumption that people who have 50 50 relationships split each task equally and methodically and sit down with a chart every day and that sucks all the joy out the relationship. It's still possible to feel very loved and do 50 50 without splitting every task or negotiating about it. Like my husband will tend to run the kids around to clubs etc while I cook. Because he likes driving more than cooking and I like cooking more than driving. We sometimes switch it up. We're both doing stuff we'd probably rather not, for a similar amount of time. And we both appreciate what the other does, while doing 50 50 (edited to say this was the case when he earned more than double my salary, and its still the case now)

I suspect your friends think that you do more, and feel a bit sorry for you

I'm working on my career to hopefully make my husband a house husband one day.

Nobody else's business.

'We both work full-time, he just earns more and tends to take on the financial side while I manage more of the home and life admin. It’s really quite ordinary, which is why I find it funny that some people react like it’s unusual.'

What do you mean by he 'manages the financial side', OP?

He manages the financial side while you cook, clean and do 'life admin.'

You do the cleaning and he decides how to spend the money? That should be something you do together.

It isn't envy that you think your friends feel, OP!

We both play to our strengths

Are you in a relationship with my ex? That line is straight from his playroom, and his strength is also buying his way out of the more mundane tasks.

It must be the people you mix with if you’re genuinely getting that vibe from them because with all my friends/family, none of our relationships are 50/50 even split. Some people earn more than their partners, others do more childcare/family admin/chores, some are carers to parents and children so are unpaid etc
Some have joint accounts others have only personal ones, some pay or proportion of wages others pay specific bills.
i only know these things as I’ve been friends with the people for years and when new jobs, children, ailing parents come up in the conversation work hours etc are discussed. We certainly don’t sit around comparing and judging, it all sounds very odd and not the meaning of friendship at all…

I think equality is about both contributing where and when you can. If something needs doing, just do it. A higher earner isn't contributing more unless their work is harder/more stressful/takes longer. Yes, we play to our strengths and interests but both get free time and money to spend on ourselves.

"What I’ve noticed is that some people assume that can’t be equal because it doesn’t look 50/50 in a spreadsheet sense. That’s really what I meant, how people’s definitions of equality differ".

As no real person living in the UK today who is/has been in a cohabiting partnership thinks that an "equal" relationship is one where everything is split exactly 50/50, it sounds very much like you've made up a concept to argue against it.

And again, your OP was about your friends, not "people". So what "some people" may or may not think is irrelevent to whatever point you think you're trying to make. Which does - as others have pointed out - increasingly come across as insecurity, the more you post.

OP, I don't believe you. If what you say about your rleationship is true, there's not a chance in hell anyone is looking at you and feeling jealous.

So you are clearly either describing it in such vague terms here we're all getting it wrong, or you are completely unable to accurately translate your friends' opinions. No one has ever been jealous of a woman who works full time and takes on all the home burden becuase their husband also works full time but earns more money. No one. Ever.

Far more likely your friends disapprove and feel sorry for you because you are so clueless about how uneven things are and they probably think your DH is a bit of a dick.

Yes I agree. If your friends are acting weird and uneasy, it’s because of the way you are saying it. Just stop saying these things that are rubbing them up the wrong way.

Most people don’t care about other people’s balances of workload in their relationships, not even for a split second.

I have friends with a whole array of different types of relationships, I don’t feel uneasy when they talk, unless they start preaching to me.

The title of the thread is weird - how can the OP expect her friends to be thinking 'oh she is genuinely cared for - not like poor little me I only have fake care ! '

With this update, I suspect people think your dh is taking the piss. You both work full time yet you're doing more ( most?) of the home stuff and life admin.

So hold on…. You both work full time? From your initial post I thought you were ‘looked after’ like a lady of leisure. Turns out you’re stuck with the grunt work because precious husband earns more money in his big important job! That’s not equal in any sense of the word, no matter how you try and fancy it up. No wonder your friends get twitchy when you’re saying how cherished you are.

he just earns more and tends to take on the financial side while I manage more of the home and life admin.

Given that 'the financial side' really only means setting up a few direct debits and paying bills online, I'm going to assume you 'managing more of the home', means despite working full time, you've doing way more than him on top of that.

It took a while, but you've actually said it ^^ now.

Your friends will not be jealous, so if they're acting weirdly, there'll be another reason I'm sure.

Oh thank Christ for badminton.

Just seen your update to say respect and care make things equal, not making sure 'who does what' is roughly equal. I think the two go hand in hand, it's not respectful of your partner to let them take on the lions share of life's necessary crap, assuming you both gave the same capacity in terms of health and time.

Everyone brings their own experiences to this sort of discussion. So there are many many examples your friends might have direct experience of (through other friends, family, parents etc) of your sort of setup but with less mutual respect and care. If you had your exact setup but your DH took what you did for granted, expected you to look after everything to do with home life and complained that you didn’t “bring enough” to the relationship because you earned less than him, it would be awful. If you had an exact 5050 split but no mutual respect and trust either it would be just as bad in many ways too, but at least you’d both be sharing in the same things. Basically any relationship setup is no good if the couple don’t have mutual respect and trust.

If you’re both full time working, how do you have time for all the extra home and family stuff if he doesn’t do that? It can’t take that much longer to do the finances.

I think 50/50 isnt as common as you're making out. There's much more complexity to indicoaul situations.

I think the bigger problem is when both people in a couple work full time it is often the woman still taking on the home and emotional labour.

Many women also work part time, like me, and are happy to do the majority of housework but that doesn't extend to things that are simply disrespectful. There's a difference between taking care of the house and literally picking up someone's pants or putting their plate in the dishwasher.

Also, anyone who's been on MN a long time will have read 100s threads where a woman who has been financially dependent on a man for years has been completely screwed over

This is such an odd post, and agree with whoever said it sounds like a stealth brag! I don’t think there is a modern expectation that relationships are 50/50. In my friendship group, there are numerous setups covering who contributes more financially, housework, life admin etc etc. I don’t know any couple who I would say are 50/50 on all things - me and my partner certainly aren’t and it sounds exhausting to keep score to make sure everything is even. At various stages of our relationship, I’ve given more than I’ve taken and vice versa, that’s just life as you move through the different phases, particularly when children are involved. And I take on the bulk of the tasks that play to my strengths and my preferences, as does my partner.

I think you're being a bit disingenuous OP to phrase this as a question. What you really mean is "I'm so lucky I have a husband who loves me so much he keeps and protects me. Other women who are less loved by less rich or kind men are jealous of me". Because that's what you mean, isn't it?

‘Cherished not Chained’ sounds like the title of a Mills and Boon book

Wait, so you both work full time but then you have to do all the cooking and cleaning when you get home? That doesn’t sound like 50-50 to me. I bet you have to buy all the birthday and Christmas presents and carry the mental load - dental appointments and the like while does what? Bins, mowing the lawn, and washing the car once a week? It sounds like he has a very good deal and I’m glad he appreciates it.