To think some people secretly resent relationships that aren’t 50/50, especially when the woman’s genuinely cared for?

[CherishedNotChained]

I’ve noticed a pattern in a few friendships - when they realise my relationship isn’t totally “equal” in the 50/50 sense (my husband does more of the providing, takes care of a lot of things and I handle others), they act a bit off. It’s not like I brag or make comparisons but there’s this subtle tone of judgement, like being looked after automatically means you’re “less empowered.” I actually feel respected and cherished, not controlled but I get the sense some people only approve of relationships that look perfectly “balanced” on paper.

AIBU to think some people are quietly jealous or uncomfortable when they see a woman being treated well, especially if it doesn’t fit the modern 50/50 ideal?

Haha, neither of those extremes, thankfully. Just two people with different strengths who make things work in a way that suits us. The point of my post wasn’t really the exact setup, more how people react when they realise a relationship doesn’t look perfectly 50/50 on paper.

@CherishedNotChained

I don’t really talk about those details either, that’s kind of the point. It usually comes up indirectly, like when people ask how we split things or make assumptions about what a “fair” relationship should look like. I just find it interesting how quick people can be to judge arrangements that don’t look exactly like their own, even if they work perfectly well for the couple involved.

See I would never have a conversation with my friends about "how we split things". When I see my friends I want to talk about more interesting things than who pays the mortgage and how many nights a week he does the washing up. I have some vague sense of what they do for work (or not) and what their partners do but I would never go through an inventory of financial responsibilities and household tasks.

It would only ever come up in a scenario where there was friction over something.

If people are asking you this sort of question unprompted then either you've been talking about it yourself in the first place or they are concerned that you are in a vulnerable position in the relationship.

Is it a D/s dynamic?

What? Who on earth stays at home, as a 'housewife' (and doesn't work,) if they have no children? I mean, maybe if they're over 55, (and have worked for some years in the past,) but anyone not working any younger than that (when they have no children) is batshit IMO.

@CherishedNotChained I think you are imagining things. No-one is jealous of you. 🙄

You’re being very very vague, OP. Which might be why people are voting YABU.

What exactly is it that you do/your DH does, how are you communicating this and how are people reacting? This is anonymous forum, so you don’t need to waffle. You can be specific.

But no-one does care OP. Not even you.
It's another made up "provider energy" thread.

Are you sure you’re not subconsciously insecure about your situation- even if it’s just in terms of outside judgement? In my experience only people who question themselves start seeing jealousy in others and would then start a thread on it. The thread doesn’t come across as you being totally fine, the lady doth protest too much and all that.

@CherishedNotChained

Haha, neither of those extremes, thankfully. Just two people with different strengths who make things work in a way that suits us. The point of my post wasn’t really the exact setup, more how people react when they realise a relationship doesn’t look perfectly 50/50 on paper.

I'm sorry I just don't buy this. Normal people don't ask their friends whether everything is split exactly 50/50 at home. It just isn't that interesting.

If you work a little (which is implied by your post) and are not a totally surrendered wife and unless you are expressing dissatisfaction no one would comment on this.

You must be encouraging these conversations.

By not equal or 50/50, do you mean that your spouse is the main earner/ sole provider financially? I'm not sure how that relates to being treated well, which for many people isn't about money.
It's unclear what you mean.

No, nothing like that. It’s just a normal relationship where we both have different strengths and ways of contributing. My post was more about how people perceive balance in relationships, not about any particular dynamic.

Except it realy is about the exact details. Because the vast bulk of us are fully aware that our relationships are not exactly 50:50. If we're really lucky, we're in a place where we feel that our contributions and our DH's contributions are roughly equal in value, if not identical in nature. So your basic premise is flawed. In real life, it's when a relationship really does seem to be fully 50:50 that people are surprised.

And as for taking on the bulk of the homecare stuff, most women feel resentful becuase it's NOT 50:50 and we all know it. If we're lucky, we feel that at least he contributes sufficiently in other ways. So if anything, people are looking at you oddly because you don't care that it's not.

Are you actually the Three Word Username person who was coming on to rile people up about misogyny and men/women a few weeks ago? is this just your new tactic?

You don’t seem to be able to articulate in what ways your relationship isn’t 50:50. Maybe your friends are just as confused about how your relationship is “unequal” as some of us on this thread are and you are mistakenly reading their confusion as jealousy?

So, you don't talk much about how your relationship works, and you don't care what people think about it, but you definitely think everyone's resentful of how 'cherished' you are in your 'not 50-50' relationship? The relationship that you don't talk about? Or care what people think about?

Right.

Honestly, everything about your post sounds to me as if you're massively in denial and have a particular agenda to push.

I’m not being deliberately vague, it’s just a pretty ordinary setup. He earns more and covers most of the financial side, I manage most of the day to day logistics and emotional load. We both make decisions together and it feels balanced to us. What I’ve noticed is that some people assume that can’t be equal because it doesn’t look 50/50 in a spreadsheet sense. That’s really what I meant, how people’s definitions of equality differ.

Yes, if you are doing everything in the house and for the children then I can assure you no one feels jealous of that. Most people want their male partner to pull his weight with the kids & not treat them like a skivvy.

Yes, he’s the main earner but for me that’s only one part of it. Being treated well isn’t about money, it’s about feeling valued, cared for and respected. The financial side just happens to be how we’ve chosen to structure things but the emotional dynamic is equal. I think that’s what some people struggle to understand - that you can have both traditional and modern elements and still feel completely balanced.

Outside of questions already asked about what your ACTUAL set up is, I'm genuinely interested in what you think happens in your friend's lives. Are you really trying to tell us that evey single one of uyour friends has 50:50 with their DH? Very very unlikely to me.

Nope, not me. Just posting about something I’ve noticed.

What do you mean when you say ‘being looked after in a different way’ and talk about not ever being exactly 50/50? I think that’s the part that’s not yet clear, which makes it hard to comment.

What I would guess from your comments is that you possibly mean that you and your husband take on fairly traditional roles (example only - he does most of the finances and you do most of the cleaning). Is that right? And then some friends perhaps seem to convey subtle disapproval, maybe because they think he should be doing half of the cleaning?

If that’s inference is correct then I can see that some people might think it’s a bit outdated - while I think it’s important that people don’t fall overly into gendered roles in relationships, as others have said it’s almost impossible (and probably unproductive) to literally try to split all tasks 50/50. Age can also come into it. I don’t want to generalise, but those more traditional roles are probably now more common (though definitely not ubiquitous) among those in their 70s and older. I can understand perhaps an element of surprise in friends’ responses if you’re much younger than that and you occupy very traditional roles. It could just be surprise rather than any negative judgement/jealousy that you’re getting snippets of in people’s responses. Having said that, if you play to your strengths are genuinely happy, it doesn’t matter.

If any of my assumptions are wrong then please disregard my comments!!

If you’re not earning enough to keep you and any children from tomorrow on your own, you’re vulnerable.

many women stay at home without the need for children, so what? A few men too, but I guess it's less often.

It's a bit sad if you can't imagine finding things to do by yourself and you need a boss to tell you how to spend your time. Have you not got any identity , are you defined by whatever job you are doing?

I have children, so I go to work to escape, whole different scenario 😂

What does he actually "do" @OP ? I'm well curious now and your posts are all so vague 🤣

If he's the higher earner and carries the financial weight, and you're the one with more flexible time so manage more of the childcare and home stuff... Well, that's not strictly 50/50 but neither is it in anyway outlandish enough to have people commenting!

What does he do? Is he the higher earner and does all the childcare and housework?? Are you a lady of leisure?? (I feel I've cracked it - I hope so!)

You’re conflating 2 different things. Every relationship should have respect, what’s that got to do with “traditional roles”? I don’t care how anyone divides up responsibility at home, but I do hope everyone is striving for respect.

Are you assuming your friends who have 50/50 set ups don’t have respectful relationships? Or are you assuming they’re jealous of you because you do despite not bringing as much money to the table? Are you assuming they only get respect because they earn? It’s very confusing.

I don’t think anyone’s relationship is perfectly 50/50 all the time. It’s more that some of my friends talk about it as an ideal or seem quite firm that anything else is “unequal.” Day to day, I’m sure most people’s setups shift depending on circumstances but there’s still this social narrative that true equality has to mean exact balance.