To think some people secretly resent relationships that aren’t 50/50, especially when the woman’s genuinely cared for?

[CherishedNotChained]

I’ve noticed a pattern in a few friendships - when they realise my relationship isn’t totally “equal” in the 50/50 sense (my husband does more of the providing, takes care of a lot of things and I handle others), they act a bit off. It’s not like I brag or make comparisons but there’s this subtle tone of judgement, like being looked after automatically means you’re “less empowered.” I actually feel respected and cherished, not controlled but I get the sense some people only approve of relationships that look perfectly “balanced” on paper.

AIBU to think some people are quietly jealous or uncomfortable when they see a woman being treated well, especially if it doesn’t fit the modern 50/50 ideal?

See also women carrying all the emotional burden and wifework. Nope. Learnt that the hard way too.

I don’t think it’s about outright jealousy so much as discomfort. Some people seem to view any dynamic that isn’t strictly 50/50 as outdated or “unequal” so when they see a woman being looked after in a different way, it challenges their idea of what a healthy relationship should look like. I’m not bragging, just noticing how different people interpret what being treated well means.

A genuine relationship centers on both partners.
If he loves you, you will be cared for. Unless he is terminally ill

I’m not actually worried about what people think, it’s more that I’ve noticed patterns in how people talk about relationships lately. I don’t bring my own up unless it’s relevant but sometimes even small comments seem to shift the tone of a conversation. I just find it interesting how much social expectations shape people’s reactions - it says more about broader attitudes than about me personally.

@CherishedNotChained

I don’t think it’s about outright jealousy so much as discomfort. Some people seem to view any dynamic that isn’t strictly 50/50 as outdated or “unequal” so when they see a woman being looked after in a different way, it challenges their idea of what a healthy relationship should look like. I’m not bragging, just noticing how different people interpret what being treated well means.

I really don't think anyone would have strong thoughts about the dynamic in your relationship unless a) they thought you were being abused or b) you were seeking validation from it when you spoke to them.

You haven't provided any evidence for this supposed discomfort other than people being "a bit off" which is entirely subjective. You're thinking about it a lot more than they are.

Are you the poster who did a long list of things you do during the day and included things like rotating the art on your walls and decorating to match the seasons?

This thread is pointless without more concrete detail about what this apparently shocking lifestyle actually means. Most couples don't divide every cost and task up exactly into 50/50, so your lifestyle must be somewhat unusual-seeming to attract this perceived disapproval.

I do wonder if you are misinterpreting their reactions. It’s more likely to be concern than envy.

I know lots of women who have been SAHM for years. I was a SAHM for a number of years myself.

As we get older I feel increasingly concerned for how financially vulnerable my SAHM friends are.

They would be financially ok if they were widowed, but if their husbands leave them they are in deep trouble.

Lots of them haven't worked for nearly 20 years, they have no pension and no established career to fall back on. The days of lifetime spousal support are long gone.

People conduct their relationships in all different ways. I don’t often see a relationship that looks better to me than my own. I certainly wouldn’t be jealous of the type of set up you are describing.

No, that wasn’t me… though rotating art sounds oddly soothing 😂

It is possible to feel respected and cherished and to give the same in return

yes I do think there is something slightly off if one person wants their selves elevated over someone else and so the relationship isn’t 50 50 . That someone is happy to be a taker over a giver .There is a self importance that I find unpleasant

and I will always be concerned for a woman who can’t manage herself or pay her own way

50 50 on average , over the years, with each playing to their strengths

I find the idea that a grown woman who is physically and mentally healthy needs to be “looked after” uncomfortable. Perhaps it’s just the wording you’re using.

I do believe relationships should be equal, but what equal looks like depends on the individual relationship. As others have said, every task doesn’t need to be split 50/50 to be equal.

I have no idea who pays for what in my friends' relationships, it's not really my business to judge anyway, even if I did. Maybe you need better friends or to stop telling them how looked after you are?
Surely they are not that fussed which of you takes the bins out, or pays the council tax. Can't imagine it's an interesting conversation?

Perhaps you are uncomfortable with the situation OP and are projecting your thoughts onto other people? You don't seem to have any evidence other than your interpretation of other's thoughts.

OP you're being very coy about the nature of this relationship which isn't 'strictly 50:50' so nobody can possibly comment.

Is it that he is a stressed A&E trauma doctor on £150k and you're a stressed Finance Manager on £75k so you do more of the school pick ups?

Or is he a Big Dick guy with a Big Dick job and you have to iron all his shirts, make sure his dinner's on the table and in return he gives you a generous allowance to supplement your 12 hours as week side hustle as an instagrammer / crafter / photographer?

You can only speak for youself and those you know. So the "social expectations" are the views of your friends, as your OP made clear. And their views and experiences, will shape their reactions to discussions on a topic. As one would expect.

I am not jealous.

however it does worry me when women give up their financial freedom and become dependent on another person.

it’s ok being “genuinely cared for”, until you’re not. 1 in 2 marriages fail, and if yours does you are stuffed if you can’t look after yourself. Married or not.

seen too many women convinced he wouldn’t leave, or he’s not the sort of man to be bitter or unfair if they split. Until he does, and they find themselves with no income, no pension, no assets, and often no home.

and that’s not factoring in death, disability, redundancy etc.

so yeah, sceptical about whether it’s a good idea. Not jealous.

My take is that anyone who has thinks men and women who share young children should split finances 50:50 have never taken even an introductory economics course. If they had, they would understand the complicated dynamics at play regarding income and other life responsibilities.

You do come across as a bit insecure. I'm happy for any friends who are treated well!

haha this!

I suspect you are the once projecting your own insecurities OP.

I dont recall ever in my entire life wondering how my friends in relationships divide up household chores or asking them who takes the bins out or washes the car or does the laundry. Like, really?- what a dull and tedious conversation.

As long as my friends are happy I couldnt care less about how they divide out that stuff. The only time it would ever cross my mind to even think about would be if one of them came to me and told me they were unhappy/doing all the work/ wanted to leave and asked for advice.

That’s because it’s a bot scraping information. They have been absolutely rampant on MN today.

All the same shit with samey replies. Word salad with no substance. Some of them reply, like this one, but they stop replying after a while.

All very tiresome.

Agreed. This is today's standard issue Trad Wife thread.

OPs user name is enough to bring your bile up.

I don’t really talk about those details either, that’s kind of the point. It usually comes up indirectly, like when people ask how we split things or make assumptions about what a “fair” relationship should look like. I just find it interesting how quick people can be to judge arrangements that don’t look exactly like their own, even if they work perfectly well for the couple involved.

I do try to check myself on that. But in this case, it’s more about repeated patterns, similar reactions or comments that seem to surface whenever certain topics come up. I’m not claiming to read minds, just noticing that some people seem uneasy with dynamics that don’t match their own.

Oh lord, I've just noticed all the 50 shades dog whistles in the content.

Mm, this is odd.

I'll tell you when I feel "uncomfortable" when I look at other people's relationships:

It's when the woman says things like, "oh, Derek has never changed a nappy <tinkly laugh> but it's okay, he earns the money and does other things so I'm happy to take this on."

or

"Oh. no, I can't meet up for dinner until after the DC are bed - Dave can't cope with the children at bedtime so it's just easier rif I get it all done."

Because while I have no problem with relationships where a man and a woman have mutually agreed that one or the other will take on more or less, I think any woman who is with a man who can't even learn how to change a nappy or feed a child is a fool. What ifyou're sick? Or dead? Or have to go help someone else. And why would you see that as somethign desirable or nice or whatever.

I have plenty of friends who have "traditional" relationships whereby he earns the bulk of th emoney and she takes on the bulk of th ehome stuff. And that's fine. If that works. But, for example, just last week I went to pick up a friend ahead of dinner out and when I arrived, her DH was cooking pasta for him and their DC as obviously she wasn't home to make dinner. She makes dinner 9 nights out of 10. But he IS capable on the odd occassion she can't.