To think some people secretly resent relationships that aren’t 50/50, especially when the woman’s genuinely cared for?

[CherishedNotChained]

I’ve noticed a pattern in a few friendships - when they realise my relationship isn’t totally “equal” in the 50/50 sense (my husband does more of the providing, takes care of a lot of things and I handle others), they act a bit off. It’s not like I brag or make comparisons but there’s this subtle tone of judgement, like being looked after automatically means you’re “less empowered.” I actually feel respected and cherished, not controlled but I get the sense some people only approve of relationships that look perfectly “balanced” on paper.

AIBU to think some people are quietly jealous or uncomfortable when they see a woman being treated well, especially if it doesn’t fit the modern 50/50 ideal?

Depends what you mean. How do you define being “treated well”? Do you mean you do more housework and he pays all the bills?

Like Illprobs I don’t really understand the premise of your question?

I don’t think I know any relationship which is exactly 50:50 or even close to it.

Are you talking 50:50 in emotional terms, practical household labour terms, financial terms?

'Act a bit off' 'quietly jealous' - are you sure you are not reading into your friends behaviour things that aren't there?

I don’t mean it in a purely financial sense. He does take care of most of the financial side but I also handle a lot of the day to day things that keep life running smoothly. For me, being treated well means mutual respect, care and feeling emotionally safe, not a scorecard of who pays what or who cleans more. It just seems like some people struggle to understand that balance can look different for every couple.

Do you talk to your friends about your relationship the way you've posted about it here? Because if you do, they're probably reacting to your smugness, not your actual relationship dynamics.

"some people" of course.
There are always people bitter, resentful and jealous who disguise their jealousy by trying to appear superior.

"Some people" disapproving is always going to be true of of anything.

Who cares

One of my best friend is a stay-at-home.. wife? Never worked a day in her life, doesn't want children, very happily married, and spends time doing things she like. I am sure a lot of people are jealous 😂Those who resent her are not her friends, big deal.

I’ve asked myself that too. I’m quite reflective so I’ve wondered if I might be over reading it. But it’s been a pattern over time, certain comments or tones that only seem to come up when the topic of how my partner and I split things comes into conversation. I don’t think it’s malicious, just that it seems to trigger something in people who have a more rigid view of what “equal” has to look like.

I don't understand... do you have friends who think it's not normal to have mutual respect, care and feeling safe in a relationship?

I’m sure many people in relationships where they aren’t happy or where they feel disappointment in their partner or resentment about their partner’s contribution will sometimes express that as jealousy towards people who are in good relationships and have partners who shoulder their share. I don’t think that speaks more broadly about empowerment or opinion about deviation from 50/50, just their unhappiness. I’m not envious of women who are “looked after” in the sense of being with men who do more of the providing, because I’m very happy with DH and the dynamic of our marriage and wouldn’t have our relationship any other way.

I don’t understand your post op. A relationship shouldn’t be a straight 50:50 transaction split on every responsibility. It should be equal on the whole. Things should be divided by individual strengths while making sure no one is left vulnerable or overwhelmed.

is that not what you are doing?

I actually don’t go into detail about my relationship with friends, that’s part of why I find the reactions odd. It’s usually in passing conversations where someone asks how we split things or makes a general comment about 50/50 relationships. I’m not trying to sound smug, I just genuinely think different dynamics can work well depending on the people involved.

This reeks of stealth brag. I think you want your friends to be envious and I suspect you drop little comments into conversations seeking validation from them and then get disappointed when they don’t all comment on how wonderful he is and how lucky you are.

They probably don’t give it any thought until you go fishing for compliments.

Depends what you mean by "looked after". If you mean that he has full control of all household finances and gives you an allowance and you do all the housework and drudge stuff then yes, I find that not at all "empowering" and I would pity someone who had that set up because they are extremely vulnerable if he were to leave/cheat/die etc

That said, I wouldnt EVER say that of course because thats rude as heck and we all want different things in life so it's not for me to comment on. Personally though, I like having my own money and my own business- that makes me feel secure.

Who gives a rats ass what anyone thinks of your relationship aside from you?

Jealous - so what?

Why do you even care, let them act superior, let them think youre less empowered - it doesnt matter. You cant or wont change their opinion so why bother.

Of course those things should be normal, I agree. What I meant is that some people seem to assume you can’t have mutual respect and care unless everything is split exactly down the middle. For me, equality is about how you treat each other, not whether every task or bill is divided 50/50.

Surely the answer in passing conversation is to just say you each play to your strengths and it keeps the roof staying up around you. You don’t need to go into detail about what 50/50 means financially or practically: all good relationships are 50/50 in the sense you’re each making an equal contribution to the whole via all the many moving parts, which the other is happy with and therefore works.

It smells a bit stealth brag to me.

And also. Is your arse covered if it all went tits up tomorrow? Would you be able to house and keep yourself and any children?

Yes, that’s pretty much what I meant. We both play to our strengths and it feels balanced overall, even if it doesn’t look 50/50 on paper. I’ve just noticed that some people still see that kind of setup as “unequal” because it doesn’t fit the modern idea of everything being split exactly in half.

some people are quietly jealous or uncomfortable when they see a woman being treated well

This bit doesnt fit your post. Why would people be jealous when seeing someone being treated well?

Your post doesnt make sense... Either you have shitty friends, or you dont realise youre being really obnoxious about your situation.

I think you might be overestimating how much people care.

True, I don’t lose sleep over what people think, it’s more that I find the reactions interesting. I guess I’m just wondering why some people get uncomfortable with relationship dynamics that don’t match their own. It’s less about caring what they think and more about noticing the pattern.

I’ve just noticed that some people still see that kind of setup as “unequal” because it doesn’t fit the modern idea of everything being split exactly in half.

But if you're not volunteering an opinion on it to others they are very unlikely to comment on it. My best friend is an unmarried SAHM. On paper I think this is a bad idea and that she's very vulnerable, but I'm intelligent enough to know that I can never understand their relationship and that she's sensible enough to make her own decisions so I keep my beak out. I would never volunteer my opinion on this unless she asked me.

Which brings me back to the strong suspicion that you're fishing for compliments from your friends, who largely couldn't give a shit about your relationship until you start making smug observations about how "cherished" you feel.

If your relationship works for you, why so concerned about (a) what others think about it and (b) how others run their own relationships?

It could be that you're reading things into your friends responses that aren't there, possibly through your own unacknowledged insecurity about the balance in your relationship. Or that they're becoming fed up with the subtle maneouvring in every encounter to get the conversation onto the subject of how great you think your relationship is. Just a thought.

Not a stealth brag at all, just an observation about how people react to different setups. And yes, I’m financially independent and would always make sure I could stand on my own two feet if things changed. I think that’s part of why the dynamic works, it’s a choice, not a dependence.

Yeah this is how I feel.

if you’re not married - and even if you are - not having a job and equal access to money leaves you incredibly vulnerable.

I’ve been there. I learnt that lesson the hard way and it’s shit.

I would speak Up in a concerned way not from jealousy.